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“See Grapesie? That wasn’t too bad, I told you I’d get us out!” Choi panted. But it was unexpectedly quiet, just the sound of panting. He looked over to see Soleum with his hands on his knees, eyes focused on the ground. “Grapesie? We’re out? Hey, look around. It’s pretty late, let’s get out of here.” Still no reaction.
Soleum isn’t the loudest person but he is never quiet like this. He could hear every shaky breath, the streetlamps buzzing, his footsteps on the pavement, engines and horns in the distance, the trees gentle hushes. He could see the slender body shuddering, the bikes that they took here, distant apartment lights going out. He did not hear Soleum’s breaths even out. He could not see Soleum’s gaze. Soleum has never let others see him like this, especially not Choi. All his reactions are careful, planned out, clearly perfected for his audience. Kim Soleum was not a good spy though. His emotions always shone through the facade and the guilt usually lining his face was absent in this moment.
Choi’s eyes narrow in concern. “Grapes are you alright? We got out. Can you look around for me?” He drops into work mode and focuses on using the coping skills that generally help civilians calm down during disasters. Choi will usually start with helping others identify the surroundings, if that doesn’t work he tries to ground with his voice or by deep breathing if they have the time.
He sees that Soleum is biting down on his lip so hard that it’s bleeding, his breaths have sped up considerably, his eyes squeezed shut and tears starting to fall. His hand on Soleum’s back rubs gentle but firm circles. The body jerks under this touch but it will help with the grounding, so as usual he does not pull away. He wishes that he had water on him that he could pour on Soleum’s head.
“Follow my voice and listen. Breathe with me, in…” He waited till he could feel the movement of Soleum’s shoulders, “now out…” Choi dragged a finger slowly in the shape of a square on Soleum’s knee, following the pattern of their breathing. The tension in Soleum’s back eased just slightly as they breathed together. “Good, there you go, keep breathing with me. Follow my lead.”
Why is he reacting like this? Soleum has been on much more intense missions in the past. He survived that Looky Mart mission where he chopped his arm off. This wasn’t that intense of a mission was it? The only stressful bit was just a chase at the end?
His thinking was cut off by Soleum’s sudden grip on his arm. “Grapesie? Do I need to be worried?” as expected there is no response. Choi considers the other option, he might be tired, usually after experiencing a panic attack people need to sit down and rest. Sure enough, Soleum’s knees buckle and they both hit the ground unceremoniously. He grits his teeth, closes his eyes, and lets out a quick sigh before schooling his face back into a smile. “Tired? I got you. Lean in Grapesie.”
Soleum hides his face in his knees and tightly wraps his free hand around them, keeping a desperate, tight hold on Choi. He’s aware of how Soleum’s hand shakes despite holding so tight that it’ll bruise. He’s also aware that his knees and back are gonna ache when they get up. With his free hand, Choi quickly shoots Jaekwan a text sharing the location of the bikes, chances are they’re gonna have to call a taxi to get home. Choi adjusts so he’s sitting cross-legged and leans to move his arm fully around Soleum’s shoulders. “Soleum, come here.” and lightly pulled Soleum toward his chest.
His eyes finally open up at the sound of his name, and when he makes eye contact, Choi smiles kindly, and thinks about how easy it would be to take advantage of this vulnerable state. The thought is killed by Soleum moving into his lap and wrapping his arms around Choi’s waist. Then burying his head in Choi’s chest, he started to cry.
He cried quietly, like he was trying to avoid bothering people, or maybe he was trying to avoid being found out? He is supposed to be a spy. How did he survive at that company if this is how he acts when scared? Is this why he has the fidget toys? The cartoons? The kids book that is nearly falling apart from use? He keeps one hand loosely around Soleum’s shoulders, and places a careful hand on the mussed hair. He waits a few seconds for him to pull away, but when there’s no movement, he starts to pet his head rhythmically. Soleum’s arms slightly tighten, the crying gets a little louder, should he stop?
“Thank you.”
Choi freezes, it was nearly silent but unmistakeable. “Mhm, I got you,” and resumes movement “let’s call a cab and get you somewhere warm. My place okay?” suddenly Choi was holding a cornered deer, or a frantic cat. Soleum started to pull away and duck out of his arms, but his efforts were mostly unsuccessful. “Hey, just for a bit, hey, I’m not asking you to stay the night or anything, just to relax until you’re good to go home.” Another trigger, Soleum immediately freezes up before he starts crying again. Choi is shocked enough that he lets go when Soleum pushes him and scrambles away.
Please don’t run, please don’t run, please don’t run. It had to be the word home. Keep that in mind. His eyes are darting around the whole scene, he hasn’t quite gotten his bearings yet, there is still time to get him to calm down. Please don’t run, stay right there. What is the right thing to say here? Whatever makes him not run.
“Grapesie… you don’t have to come with me alright?” Choi slowly leaned back and pulled his phone out. “I’m gonna call a cab, you can come with me if you want, if not the bikes are right there. Just call or text when you’re safe, kay?” He watched Soleum’s eyes dart between the bikes and himself around 8-10 times, and with a silent prayer Soleum seemed to make up his mind. Choi noticed the way Soleum traced a slow square on the ground a couple of times, how he gripped his shirt pocket with his other hand, teeth slightly chattering. He’s looking for something but that is not something that Choi can help with right now.
When he calls for a cab, he holds up his fingers so Soleum had an idea of the timeframe. Over the next 10 minutes, he pushed himself up off the ground. He could hear his knees crack, the wind had picked up and it seemed darker, how long were they here for? The text to Jakewan looks like it was sent about 30 minutes ago. Not long at all it seemed. He holds out a hand to Soleum. Shockingly he takes it.
“Alright, up you go!” Soleum did not let go of Choi’s hand. It was jittery and cold where they met, he didn’t mind it. When the cab came, he made conversation with the driver. Soleum continued to hold his hand. Maybe he’s not a spy. As he chatted with the driver, Soleum stared out the window and tried to take up as little space as possible. This didn’t seem like the dependable junior that he was used to, he almost reminded Choi of a kid.
When they finally made it to Choi’s apartment, Soleum seemed a lot calmer, but was still acting severely unlike himself. He can feel how the grasp on his hand never eased. He was clearly not comfortable but also not willing to let go. Choi gets his keys out one handed and directs Soleum to the couch. “Just put whatever on, a cartoon or something, I’m gonna get us some water,” Choi habitually smiles and tries to ignore Soleum, who’s been volatile. The TV turns on shortly with the volume on mute, and he walks back over to the couch holding water. “Here. Drink up, you had a rough night.”
Soleum is looking at him like he has all the answers. Like he knows how to help.
Choi doesn’t think that he knows, yet he sits next to Soleum and puts an arm around him. The other man melts into Choi, finally taking a drink.
That could’ve been so awkward, what kind of senior would he be if that was interpreted as flirting? How does he interpret this actually? He mindlessly played with Soleum’s hair. This is Roe Deer, he is a spy, his motel is basically empty with a bag still mostly packed, he never lets anyone know anything about him and never asks any questions. He gently scratches Soleum’s scalp, which earns him a gentle sigh and Soleum’s eyes drift closed. His breathing evened out. His cheeks are tear-stained. Choi deftly wipes his cheek with his thumb and licks the salt.
It would be easy right now, he’s asleep in his arms, it would be so easy.
Soleum readjusts so that his head lies on Choi’s shoulder, hair tickling the neck scar. All signs of the earlier panic attack were gone from his system and only uneasy rest was left. His hand drops from Soleum’s head.
Not here. He doesn't need to know right now. He'll break those walls down on a different day.
He tries his best to slowly and gently lean Soleum against the couch. Choi holds his breath as Soleum stirs, but he just rolls over. He quietly turns off the TV and most of the lights, but leaves a lamp on. Finally, he tucks a blanket around Soleum. He likes to see Soleum rely on him. Choi waves that thought away and goes to his own room, vowing to never again bring this night up.