Chapter Text
Avery checked his phone again, ignoring Paige rolling her eyes.
“Look, I got him the thing. He can use it.” He defends. He’s actually pretty certain that the phone ended up being used as part of a trap not four hours later. Wile had rolled their eyes when he presented it, despite it being an important safety measure!
It’s not like they still didn’t have an open lawsuit going against ACME, no. One that, even if Wile’s case was closed, the Coyote was still the main face of the whole shebang.
Tracking people down by tracking dust clouds, explosions, or leaving bird seed on the road and hoping the Roadrunner stopped to give directions was not practical. Surprisingly, a mail carrier ran out to Wile’s cave, but mysteriously, Avery had never managed to visit the shop while it was open.
He was pretty sure there was something he was missing, some paperwork or phone number, but they’d buried it deep.
“I’m just saying, you could just look up.” Paige said, motioning with her cracker. Avery looked up, tilting his head to see up over the low slung courtyard wall that was trying to pretend like it was in any way a sizeable wall.
In the distance, a dust cloud was forming.
“Well, that’s me done for the day. I’m off.” Bugs said, pulling a jacket and hat out of thin air. He waved a handkerchief. “Don’t miss me too much.”
“Safe trip, swift travels, see ya.” Avery said, immediately standing. “I’ll show you out.”
Paige snorted into her crackers and he sent her the stern uncle look. She had to back him up for the last thirty minutes when he said ‘my new house’ and Bugs decided to say ‘our new house’.
He still wasn’t sure how the Toon got the property deed. He was pretty sure whiteout and pen weren’t binding, but Bugs had just shrugged and said something about law of comedy.
Gods, Avery thought he had left property law behind when he left law school.
It didn’t help that Daffy kept piping up with unhelpful commentary, and at one point, nearly signed their own name on were it not for a quick swipe by Paige.
Honestly, Avery hadn’t even invited the two to his housewarming party. Bugs had walked through the gate, carrying a fancy gilt edged envelope that was definitely not the hasty text he had sent out when he realized he actually had a house now, and was suddenly seized by the irrational idea that there were things you should probably do upon acquiring one, like host a party.
To be fair, it wasn’t much of a party.
Not much of a house either.
The realtor had called it a ‘fabulous open living courtyard’ with the slightly deranged smile of someone who knew just as well as he did, that it was actually some rich guy’s attempt at trying to keep a green grass lawn out on the border of a desert.
Scrubland had long since taken it over, the only remnants of the attempt being the low brick wall, and a sad little picnic table, now laden down with a cheese plate, crackers, and a veggie tray that had been pretty picked over as people had drifted in and out. Someone had been assigned to bring plates, but whoever it was, wasn’t here.
The mystery of party planning.
The house itself was still a mess. He’s long since forgotten what you needed to actually live on your own. Food was something that appeared from behind a window, cleaning was done by little invisible elves.
Literally. The hotel prided itself on its service, and its long running contract with the invisible elves.
But it was his. Completely and solely his.
It wasn’t the sleek modern penthouse he had first imagined in law school, but the moment he had taken a step through the door, he knew it was perfect.
There was still part of him struggling with the thought that tonight, he would be going to sleep in his own bed. Something finally lifting off his shoulders, the wear and tear of always living surrounded by people constantly in and out, a place that was only his for one night at a time.
And maybe, maybe just a little bit, he got it because it was near the desert. Just right for somebody who lived out there to stop in and make a visit.
“Look, all men are sworn to protect their home. It’s natural.” Avery defended. “It’s a proud moment when you buy it.”
“Most don’t cry about it in the hotel lobby.” Paige said. Avery pointed a finger at her.
“Inadmissable evidence, biased witness.” He pointed his other finger at the Toons, “Don’t you dare pull out those costumes.”
“Well, now you’ve gone and made it tempting.” Bugs said, raising a brow. Daffy flicked an olive off his toothpick, kicking a costume bag under the table that had definitely not been there before.
“Trust me bub, white curls are not my style.” He said. He gestured with the empty toothpick. “Now, fuchsia on the other hand? Riveting.”
“I have seen it. You left your headshots in your evidence presentation. All three thousand slides of it.” Avery said. He had been thrilled when Daffy walked in through the door, a key defendant in the case.
Then Daffy had pulled out a projector.
“Take it up with my therapist. It was very emotionally cleansing. I had to take a nap afterwards, that’s how spiritually uplifted I was.” Daffy said. He tilted his head to the side, slurping on his drink. “What, you don’t believe in therapy?”
“Well, I do, but-“
“Sure, sure. You’re a big, strong, white man who definitely doesn’t believe in bootstrapping your emotions.” Daffy said, flicking the toothpick away. Paige made a little shrugging motion.
“I mean, I did try to show you towards someone-“ Avery’s finger was pointing again.
“Inadmissable evidence.” Avery maintained. “And besides! What was I supposed to do when the receptionist said she was proud of me?”
Honestly, he always thought the old bat hated him.
“Very emotionally brave if you. I salute you.” Bugs said. Avery had a brief moment of feeling flattered before it plummeted again. “Anyways, I really gotta skedaddle.”
“If it’s the Coyote, we can talk to him!” Paige said with the burnished enthusiasm of someone who has not yet had to dismantle an automatic guillotine made from fan blades and a bowling ball.
Avery winced, eyeing the two. Yeah, maybe inviting Coyote to a party with a hare and a bird wouldn’t be a great idea. They might be party crashers, but he didn’t plan to get them eaten because of it.
He still had mixed feelings about Wile wanted to share the Roadrunner with him as dinner.
“Oh no, it ain’t the Coyote.” Bugs said, sweeping things off the table into a briefcase. A flicker of a black case- Avery raises a finger, that was definitely his phone there- but it snaps shut. “It’s the bird.”
“Daffy?” Avery said. The duck stood, hand to his chest.
“Woah, woah, woah, what did I do? Targeting? Malicious slander?” Daffy said, clutching his chest. “I’ll have you know, I could tear this place down! I’ll sue you out of existence! I have a lawyer!”
“I know! That’s what you did to my car!” Avery paused. “Wait, I’m your lawyer!”
“That car was hideous.” Daffy said with a sniff. “What I did was an improvement.”
“Not to my bills! I should not be a man on a first name basis with a car dealership.” They sent him a fruit basket last Wednesday. It had pineapple, and a condolences card.
“Oh nah, it ain’t Daffy. My old pal would never touch a hair on my head.” Daffy had a look saying he had definitely contemplated it. Probably even tried it. Definitely tried it. “It’s that Roadrunner guy.”
The courtyard went quiet.
“The Roadrunner? Blue guy? Speedy guy?” Paige said, glancing at the dust cloud like she could ask it questions. “Wait, why?”
“Ehhh, ya know how it is.” Bugs said, gesturing with his carrot. Where did he get that? The carrots went missing from the veggie tray hours… huh. Avery was pretty sure he knew who made them disappear. “Ya get a little antsy, want to go hit the road, get a little vacation, go play around the desert for a bit of fun, smooch a cute coyote a few times and next thing you know, exit stage right, pursued by a dust cloud!”
Smooched-
Wait.
Smooched who?
Avery stood still, trying to wrap his head around it. “You kissed Wile?” He said. “No, back up. Roadrunner ran you off? No, back up again. You kissed Wile?”
“Oh, yeah. He was serious about it too. Nearly took my tail off.” Bugs said, avoiding the first question. “I tell ya what, that bird is dangerous when they want to be.”
Avery had a sense of that- he had seen Roadrunner make breaking the sound barrier look like a casual jog. There were rumours that ACME had tried something during the case, only to come up empty. Afterwards, they never tried again.
And considering they had tried to murder him and Wile, in several different ways, including pursuit on motorcycle with bombs, Avery did wonder what the Roadrunner did to only get one attempt.
But still. That goofy face. The cheery beeping. It was hard to imagine something like that running Bugs down.
And kissing! Wile!
“I guess I can’t wrap my head around you- kissing him. Multiple times.” Avery said, gesturing between Bugs and out towards the desert.
“Why wouldn’t I? He’s an attractive fella.” Bugs flicked his carrot like one would flick a cigarette. Even stranger was how Daffy tipped his head agreeably, eyeing Avery like he was the strange one here.
“He’s uh, I suppose beauty is in the eye of the beholder?” Avery finally said, mentally throwing his hands up.
Maybe he was just too human for this. Part of him looked at Wile and couldn’t really imagine that being attractive, let alone how Bugs was describing him, their tone dripping with something wistful.
“See, that’s the problem with youses- you make it about the eyes. For Toons, it’s all about the wisecracking.” Bugs snapped a bite off his carrot. “And Coyote’s hilarious.”
“Because he’s… funny?” Avery said slowly, his jaw working over it. “That’s it?”
That could not be it.
“Pretty much.” Bugs waved a paw. “Out of the pair of ‘em, the coyote’s got plenty of eyes turned his way, ‘stead of his bud.”
Okay. Apparently that was it.
“Toons like a good joke. ‘Course we all find a fine specimen attractive, but at the end of the day, humor gets you everywhere. It’s attractive, a good sense of comedy.” Daffy cut in. “That’s why I’m the attractive one of our little duo.”
“That you are, Daffy.” Bugs said, tilting his head to the side, his smile fond.
“Of course I am- Oh, no you don’t!” Daffy leaped to his feet. “You’re the funny one!”
“No, you’re the funny one!”
“No, you’re the funny one!”
“No, you’re the funny one!”
“No, you’re the funny one!”
“No, you’re the funny one!”
“No, you’re the funny one!”
“No, I’m the funny one!”
“No, I’m the funny one and that’s final!” Daffy said, stamping his foot.
“Well, then it’s settled.” Bugs said with a shrug, folding his arms.
Avery looked between the two, his mind slowly rebooting. That was… huh. He guessed by those standards, Wile was pretty funny. The other was a solid hand at explosives, but the mishaps- yeah, he could see those being funny.
So, out of the two of them, by Toon standards, Wile was a majorly attractive piece? Avery considered the idea, his mind rejecting the thought of it.
And yet. That would explain some of the things he saw sometimes when Wile dropped by Albuquerque. He thought some of the Toons were doing a double take because it wasn’t everyday you saw a smoking- not smoking hot, but literally smoking Coyote walk past.
Porky had literally walked into a wall with their eyes stuck on Wile.
Which. Now that he was thinking about it, they had looked oddly enthralled. He thought Porky had just been steaming red from embarrassment!
“Not just that though.” Bugs said, looking back, oddly serious eyes. “It’s the persistence, ya know? Getting that big brain turned directly on you. Does things to a hare. He just keeps going. He’s not funny because he messes up, he’s funny because he keeps hitting the cues, keeps pushing. Makes a Toon think.”
Which… okay. Okay. Avery could see that part now. And it was true, that after meeting Wile, he was laughing more than he had in a long time.
He had almost forgotten what it was like to actually laugh, not just sarcastically, but shaking with the force of it.
“He never stops.” Avery said.
Bugs snaps his paw. “Now ya get it. And he blushes pretty when ya smooch him. Probably for the best he lives out in the desert. Less property damage when the Roadrunner decides he doesn’t like other Toons appreciating a fine joke.”
Paige pushed her napkin of cheese away. “Okay, I think I’m good to hear less about the romantic escapades of our coyote friend.” She said, making a face. “No offense.”
Avery waved a hand towards her. “No, but wait. If Roadrunner got mad, that implies he has some stake-“
“Meep meep.”
Two little words.
And yet, never could he have thought they’d be said with so much malevolence.
It was midsummer, the local thermostat was asking for chilled lemonade, the air conditioner had decided to move to the polar north, and the sun was fanning itself.
And yet Avery could feel the air drop ten degrees colder.
Slowly, all eyes turned upon the gate.
The Roadrunner’s eyes were fixed on Bugs. One leg, a leg that could sprint down the road at speeds faster than sound, turn on a dime, stop on a quarter, and flawlessly do a split, lifted.
When it cracked down, it shattered the concrete below it.
Avery made a sound easily mistaken for a whimper.
“My deposit.” He whispered.
“Forget your deposit!” Paige hissed. She looked between Bugs and the bird. Her eyes were wide and worried. “I, uh. Remember reading once when I was catching up information for the trial. Roadrunners are known for hunting smaller prey.”
And this Roadrunner definitely looked ready to give it a try.
“We gotta keep him from Bugs.” She concluded. Avery immediately threw a hand out to stop her.
“I’m not letting my niece tangle with that. That’s out of your pay grade.” He hissed back. The concrete had been absolutely pulverized. Nonexistent. The air was buzzing like a lightning bolt was about to strike.
“You don’t pay me anything.” Paige hissed back.
“Definitely out of your pay grade then.”
“And that’s my cue. Lovely house, glad to chat, bye-bye!” Bugs whirled into a mining outfit and disappeared into the ground like a particularly determined- uh, hare.
Only for a blur to start clawing its way into the hole, letting out a blur of beeping that definitely sounded fowl.
Avery rubbed his chin. He was spending too much time around Toons, if he was making puns in a situation like this. At least puns were better than thinking about his repair bills, slowly ticking upwards.
Daffy tossed his drink to the side. “Get a better car next time.” He informed Avery sharply, sailing out the gate. He hopped over the dust cloud with not even a backwards glance.
Only to plummet down another pit, left behind by another one of the previous owner’s rich dumb ideas.
Avery got this house cheap for a reason.
“We should stop them.” Paige said, watching the growing dust cloud.
“Don’t. They’ll work it out.” Avery said, sitting back down. He pulled the cheese plate closer, nibbling sadly on a slice of cheddar as he watched the concrete disappear under dust. “Guess that answers my question. Roadrunner’s definitely got some stake in this.”
More than some stake, judging by how they had already managed to work their way into the tunnel, still beeping. He didn’t understand it, but he could see the air was starting to streak blue, so whatever it was, Roadrunner hated Bugs.
At least the wall was low enough he could just climb over it. He didn’t think he’d be using the gate anymore, not if he didn’t have Wile’s ability to rocket over pits.
Or at least not have to worry for long about breaking his legs.
At least his house was intact.
“You sure? The Roadrunner seems pretty unhappy.” Paige said, folding her arms. “I didn’t think they got worked up about anything. They always seemed so calm.”
Avery took another bite of cheddar. “I mean, must be weird knowing your… Hunter, I guess? Is attractive to a lot of people.”
The look they gave Bugs was the same look you’d give to someone who tried to steal your lover. He couldn’t get it out of his head, the same look he saw on the soap operas that would pop up on the hotel TV. Dripping with jealousy and anger.
Are you coming back?
He suddenly felt very very lucky Roadrunner never came by the office. He liked having things like walls. Flooring. It was bad enough how things mysteriously tended to explode nowadays.
Paige looked back at the dust cloud. “Guess he must think Bugs wants to seduce Coyote away or something.”
Avery looked behind the dust where the Coyote was skulking, creeping along the brick wall. He had plates under one arm. Plates attached to a stick of dynamite.
Their eyes were fixed on the Roadrunner, the blue bird reflected in gold.
“You know.” Avery said. “I don’t think the Roadrunner has anything to worry about.”
“Wait, Bugs took my phone-“