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<Siffrin>
You don't know how you got here.
When did you pry your eyes away from the ceiling of the inn room? When did you slip out of bed and sneak out, without even grabbing your cloak? When did you make your way to the docks? When did you take a seat with your legs dangling off the edge?
…It doesn't matter. What matters is the dense fog you can see in the distance. The silhouette of an island you can barely see, getting a splitting headache in the process. Your home that you can never go back to.
You thought you had made peace with it. You have your family after all! All of you agreed to travel together, and you hadn't even thought about your island at all when you were stuck in Dormont due to your craft exhaustion, or even in the two weeks it took to travel to Bambouche. You were so happy, to see Bonnie reunite with their sister, to be dragged around by the preteen as they gave a tour of the coastal town they grew up in.
And that’s the problem. It's all feels so familiar. Too familiar — you’re willing to guess you lived near the coast. The lingering smell of salt and fish. The cacophony of bells ringing across the harbour. The crashing of waves against the rocks. It feels wrong in a way you can't explain. The sand you're used to is lightless like the night sky — but you only know that tiny piece of information from the King's final words, so it doesn't count.
Sometimes, you close your eyes and try to convince yourself that you're back home. It almost works, but it's like a puzzle piece that barely doesn't fit.
You break your line of sight from the fog before you can blackout from the pain. You can feel it again, the gnawing hole in your heart that has only grown wider since you've arrived in Bambouche. It's getting harder and harder to ignore. You're sure your family has noticed how you refuse to go to the beach (or anywhere that provides a direct line of sight with the island), and it's only a matter of time before they call for a family talk.
You don't want to tell them. You've told them about a lot of stuff! But not this. They'll never be able to understand. Odile would talk about how she felt her Vauguardian roots were cut off, but that's not the same as not even knowing — and never being able to know — what roots were cut off. They'll feel sorry for you but they'd never understand what you feel.
Not to mention you shouldn't even be feeling this way. You already managed to establish for yourself that the more you try to remember, the less you actually will. That the Universe will only let information pass when you're not thinking about it.
So why are you still thinking about it? Why are you still so desperate for scraps of information that you're also chasing away? Why can't you just be happy with what you already have and stop wishi wanting for more than you deserve. Why can't you-
“Sif...?”
Isa's right behind you, and you can feel yourself freeze as his footsteps get closer and closer, until he's right beside you and taking a seat with you.
He shouldn't be here. He's never woken up and caught you sneaking out to the docks before. Why now? You been avoiding going to beaches with them for a reason! You can't just- let them see how pathetic you are. See how selfish you are, yearning for something you can't have.
You're brought back to the present by fingers snapping in front of your face. Did you… really just zone out in front of Isa? Again? He literally just arrived! Before you can berate yourself, he speaks up.
“So… are you gonna tell me why you're out here, in the middle of the night, without your cloak, and willingly getting sprayed by the ocean?”
You open you mouth and-
“Please don't try to tell me you're fine. You're crying.”
You are? Sure enough, when you bring your hand up, your cheeks are wet and you catch another tear rolling down.
“It's nothing.” Your voice betrays you by cracking right at the end.
Isa simply looks at you with his “I know you're lying but I won't push for now” face, and opens his arms. You dive into them without second thought and tightly hug him back. You shouldn't be doing this, taking advantage of his kindness like you deserve it. But you sink further into him as a sob escapes your throat and your tears start coming faster. You feel his hand bury into your hair, gently undoing a few tangles as you soak his shirt in tears.
You don't know how long you remain in this position for. When you manage to pull yourself away, the first thing you notice is the look of concern in his face.
“Let's go back to the inn. We'll talk about this after you get some sleep.” You try to bury your face in your cloak before realizing you don't have it and nod.
Isa stands up and offers you a hand. You... ignore it and get up on your own, making your way back with him following behind. You ignore the eyes on your back.
When you make it back to the inn, you let out a sigh of relief when you don't see anyone else awake. At least you didn't wake anyone else up. Making it into your shared room, you collapse into your side of the bed and immediately feel your eyes slip closed. You forgot how exhausting crying was. You can feel Isa getting into bed after you, but it's almost distant He’s going to make you talk tomorrow, but for now, you sink further into the mattress as sleep pulls you away.
— — — — — —
<Isabeau>
“ZA! Where's Frin??? Breakfast’s ready!!!!!!”
Bonnie's been insisting on coming to the inn every morning to make breakfast for everyone, even though you all could just head over to their house. Nille said she didn't have the heart to argue against them.
“Still asleep. And we should probably let him sleep in today.”
Almost everyone turns towards you when you say that. Bonnie frowns.
“But the food will get coldddddd. He better wake up soon!!!”
Mira is the first to ask. “Did something happen last night?”
You poke at your food as you figure out how to phrase your sentence. “They went to bed really late yesterday. I found them… crying outside last night. I told him we would need to have a talk but I think it's best for him to get enough sleep first.”
You can feel the concern radiating off of everyone, even Bonnie. All of you are thinking the same thing. Its probably something to do with the loops again. Nille wasn't given a lot of information but she was told enough to know how bad the whole experience was for Sif. All any of you can hope is that Sif will be willing to talk this time.
Small conversation starts up again, but you can feel the anticipation as everyone waits for Sif to wake up.
— — — — — —
<Siffrin>
You've been awake for a while. You have been staring up the the same ceiling, just like the night before (except that there's light instead of darkness now). Isa was already out of bed when you woke up. He probably let you sleep in. Which means everyone's having breakfast right now.
…Which then means he's telling everyone what happened and you're going to have a family talk the moment you make your way downstairs.
What can you even tell them? Do you even want to tell them anything? This technically doesn't even concern them. You're the only one whom this concerns, unless you count the King and that boulanger. They don't need to know, but you need to tell them something.
…
You should head downstairs, before one of them can come up and get you.
Sure enough, everyone is already gathered at a table, and all of them turned to look at you the moment you walked in. You ignore the looks of concern as you put on your practiced (and adjusted, after they started calling you out) smile, and sit down in the empty seat.
They were kind enough to let you get halfway through breakfast before turning all attention to you.
“Siffrin, we need to talk about last night.” Odile says, always the first to initiate conversations.
“What about last night?” Please drop it please drop it please drop it.
“Sif… I found you crying at the docks last night, staring out at the fog. Something happened, and you know we can't help you if we don't know what happened.” Stars above, they're really going to make you talk about this.
“It's nothing,” you notice the looks of disbelief on all their faces, “it really isn't anything! I just got overwhelmed and needed some fresh air.”
That should get them off your back. And it very nearly does. Except Odile doesn't buy it, always the most perceptive.
“That doesn't explain why you went out to the docks, especially after avoiding them and the beach all week.” (So you were right to say they noticed.)
“I just…wanted a change in scenery???” You absolutely fumbled that. Too uncertain, and now even more attention is on you.
You notice how Nille seemed to be deep in thought. She's the next to pose a question.
“You were staring out at the fog…?” Isa nods before you can even try to deny it.
“Then, does this have to do with the Forgotten Island?”
Your breath catches. Nononono how did she manage to guess that??? You can't let them know. You can't! You're lucky no one caught your reaction, attention turned towards Nille’s words.
“Ah, the island north of Vaugarde...I remember when it happened. Well... "Remember" isn't the right word, is it? We all just know something happened.” Odile starts scribbling in her notebook.
The same lines. At least you were slightly more prepared this time.
“Oh yeah!!!! It was all everyone could talk about for weeks!!!” Bonnie jumps in. Different from the script, but the same sentiment nonetheless.
“Why would you be looking at the island last night?” You didn't expect Mira to be the first to address you.
A nervous laugh slips out of you. “I wasn't!! I didn't- I didn't even know the island exists??!!” The words coming out of your mouth sound strangled. There's no way you convinced anyone.
Petronille is staring at you again. You're starting to really hate that expression. You don't know her enough to read it but you have a feeling it's not going to be good for you. You're proven right as she lets out a gasp, before you could make an excuse to leave.
“You're- you're from the island! We've had a few people wash up on the beach ever since it happened, and they all had darkless hair. And the same accent as you! They never told us what happened but- but I- I…”
Nille can't seem to find her next words. Everyone at the table is staring at you in shock. You open your mouth to deny it, but nothing comes out. Of all the people who you thought would figure it out, you wouldn't have guessed it would be Petronille. They're not going to let you out of this conversation, not anymore but you don't want to tell them. This is your blinding problem, they don't need to get involved!
Your vision just started to blur at the edges when Odile’s voice cuts through your thoughts.
“Siffrin, breathe.”
You force a breath into your lungs but it turns out shallow and ragged. Mira’s hands find their way into yours and suddenly she’s right in front of you. You can see her take exaggerated breaths and you try to follow.
You manage to take a breath in. And another. And another. Eventually you can feel yourself calm down.
You’ve barely started the day and you have already had one panic attack. Just great.
“Frin, I’m gonna touch you now.” You barely get time to process what Bonnie just said before they throw their arms around you and latch onto you. You didn’t even notice them move around the table to you. You keep your eyes on the food in front of you. Any semblance of appetite you had before is now gone, but you also can’t bring yourself to look at your friends.
The table is silent for a moment. Bonnie’s arm around you are keeping you grounded, preventing you from zoning out. But you still feel sick. There aren’t any lines anymore. You almost want to loop again to avoid this conversation. You can’t anymore. The thought of going back causes your stomach to turn anyway.
“Based on your reaction, I’m guessing Petronille was correct.” Odile’s gaze is almost like a knife. You sometimes wonder why she’s not a scissors type.
You bury your face into your cloak (Hey, you have it this time!). You know you can’t deny this.
“Sif… why didn’t you tell us?”
“There’s nothing to say.”
You can feel everyone exchange a glance. Nille looks like she thinks she shouldn’t be here.
“You're still hiding something.” You really hate how forward Odile is with her words sometimes.
“I’m not.”
Mira starts to wring her hands. “You need to talk to us Siffrin. We can't help you if you don't.”
“Stop. You can't help me.” Your eye starts to burn and you desperately try to blink the tears away.
“It doesn't have to be everything!” Isa tries, “you can just tell us something small, and we can work something-”
“I CAN’T!”
Your outburst shuts everyone up. Isa has his hands up, like he wants to reach out to you but is hesitating to like the coward he is. Odile has a face of neutrality put up but you know better than that. Everyone else wears similar expressions of concern as you try to keep your breathing under control. Tears threaten to spill over but you don't let them.
“I can't tell you, because there's nothing there. Not my family, not the life that I had and certainly not the name of my own blinding country. I don't remember. The Universe won't let me remember. So what do you expect me to tell you? My old life? My home? My home is GONE and I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER IT.”
You don't know when you stood up. But you breathe heavily as you look down at the wide eyed stares of the rest of your family. A few tears roll down your cheek.
“Sif… I am so sorr-”
“Drop it.” You hiss at Isa as you jerk away from his approaching hands. You ignore how he flinches like he just got struck.
You- you can't stay here anymore. You can't stand their pity and concerned looks. So you turn and head back to your room. No one stops you.
You lock the door behind you. You're not technically locking them out since Isa has keys, but the illusion of security is nice. You bury yourself back into the bed and feel a sob rip out of you. You let yourself cry, muffling your cries with the pillow, and pray to the stars above that no one can hear you.
— — — — — —
<Isabeau>
You could definitely hear a pin drop in this silence.
Sif’s words repeatedly run through your mind. You thought- you don't know what you thought, but certainly not this. You don't think anyone could have guessed that they were from the Forgotten Island. In all your conversations with the others trying to guess where he came from, the island didn't even come up. Which is weird, but you're sure it has to do with the fact that it disappeared.
“That… could have gone better.”
You agree with Mira, but you also doubt that Sif would have told any of you anyway. There was a chance that this was something he would have taken to the grave. You’re not happy that he stormed away, but you think both sides need time to process what just happened. To your side, Odile is furiously scribbling in her notebook, presumably writing down everything that Sif said.
“Oh crab, I shouldn't have said that. I should have noticed how upset he was getting…”
“What's done is done Petronille. The best thing we can do now is to give them space. In addition, we should probably talk about what they said.” Odile sets her pen down.
Bonnie speaks up. “He said he couldn't remember anything about his home? How does someone forget their home??!!”
“Plus, he's shared stories about his childhood before, hasn't he? Isn't that why we all thought he had somewhere to go back to?” Mira says hesitantly.
Odile sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. “I suspect it's more complicated than we think. He mentioned something called the ‘Universe’. Is anyone familiar with that term?”
Sif’s mentioned it to you before, on your way to Bambouche, if you remember correctly. You'd joined him when he was stargazing one night, listened as he spoke of his beliefs. It was interesting, the first time you've ever heard him speak so passionately, though he didn't seem to remember the conversation the next morning.
“It's part of his beliefs, I think. He said… that it's not a god, and that it's ‘everything’, and ‘if we follow its lead, we'll be led to where we need to go’.”
“That doesn’t exactly give us anything to work on.” Odile taps her pen on her notebook. Frown lines are etched on her face.
You can see Mira bite her lip. “How are we supposed to help them? I… I don’t think Siffrin’s willing to talk about this either…”
“We can try to talk to him again when he feels better, but not with all of us. We need to try to get a better understanding of what Siffrin means by the Universe not letting them remember.” Her tone conveys a sort of finality, but you can hear the concern underneath.
Standing up, you move to put your empty plate away before going back to your shared room. “I’m going to go check on them. See if they need any comfort.” You get various sounds of acknowledgement back.
You’re not surprised the door’s locked. It seems like Vauguarde is the only country where leaving the front door unlocked is common, and Sif likely doesn’t want anyone suddenly barging in. You almost turn around (privacy is important after all!), but your worry for them wins out. Twisting the key, you slowly push the door open and quiet step in.
The room is dark, whether they pulled the curtains closed on purpose or just didn’t open them when they woke up you can’t tell. They’re laying on the bed, curled into themselves. Soft, steady breaths can be heard, but as you move closer you can see tear stains on their face. They probably cried themselves to sleep, exhausted by their high emotions despite the day just starting. You stare at them a little longer, feeling your heart break a little. You hate it. You hate seeing them distressed and signs that they’re not okay, and you hate how you don’t know how to help them. You still don’t, and never will, understand the extent of the horrors they experienced in the loops, and you have a sinking feeling this is going to be a similar situation.
Hesitating slightly, you decide to settle down next to them, reaching out to brush their hair away from their face. They lean into your hand, which startles you a bit. While Siffrin has revealed that they don’t mind touch, you hadn’t expected them to be so touchy. Not that that’s a bad thing! It’s just that your traitorous heart flutters every time they lean into you, or ask for a hug, and even right now. But you promised to wait, so you will, and you’ll make sure to continue to be there for them when they need it.
Pulling yourself back out of your head, you lean back against the headboard, combing your fingers through their hair as you wait for them to wake up.
— — — — — —
<Siffrin>
You come back to the waking world with a hollow feeling in your chest. Stars, you didn’t mean to fall asleep. Bonnie’s probably mad at you for not finishing breakfast and everyone knows how little of a person you truly are now.
If you don't have a home to go back to, what kind of person does that make you?
If you don't have memories of your own childhood, can you still consider yourself human?
If you have forgotten something as important as your country, your childhood, your family, your own name, then are you even a person?
Its words echo in your ear again, and you shiver, trying to block the memories out.
Any potential monologuing you could do is halted when you notice the hand in your hair. You press into it against your better judgement, sighing as the noise in your head quietens. There’s a weight on the bed beside you too. You crack your eye open, only to come face to face with Isa.
“Hey Sif, you feeling better?”
No. “Yeah.”
“Good! The others have come in to check on you a few times already, but we let you sleep cause it looked like you really needed it.”
They shouldn’t have done that. Why do they still care so much about you? You’re nothing, barely worth their time and effort. You don’t say this aloud though, it’s just something else they’ll get concerned over.
“What time is it?”
“Almost lunch. Are you hungry? Bonbon should be preparing food right now but I’m sure they don’t mind making a snack for you.”
“It’s fine.”
…
…
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Not really. Your hesitation is noticed by him.
“How about this, I ask you a few questions, and you can choose if you want to answer them or not. No pressure! I don’t want to force you to say everything right now.”
You guess that works. It’s not like you can hide from them anymore, so you might as well be able to control how much you say.
Isa shifts his body a bit, giving you the choice to move closer to him, (you’ve gotten used to cuddling him after Dormont, even though it’s awkward sometimes). You eye the space between the two of you, before closing the distance. You’re being greedy, and you most definitely don’t deserve this. Doubts rise at the back of your mind, but this does really feel better so you relax into his hold. You decide you can hate yourself later. Isa takes this as confirmation that you’re okay with answering questions.
“Was that your first time going to the docks?”
“No.” You’re relieved he hasn’t caught you out there before.
“Is any of this related to the loops?”
“Pass.”
You’re aware he can infer that the answer is yes, but you really don’t want to deal with both this and the loops right now. Not when you haven’t told them anything about it. You only told them the basics of Wish Craft. The thought of telling them where it comes from makes you nauseous. So does the idea of telling them about your connection to the King, and the reason why you tried to reason with him. You see a hand tightening-
“Why didn’t you tell us?”
“It’s my problem. None of you need to get dragged into it.”
“Sif. Siffrin. We’ve said this before and I’ll say this as many times as it takes for you to believe it. We want to help you. You aren’t dragging us into anything. You don’t need to shoulder everything by yourself.” You can hear the conviction behind his stern tone. You don’t respond.
Isa decides to move on. “… What do you mean by the Universe doesn’t let you remember?”
You lean more of your weight into Isa as you look into your hands. Your next words come out quiet, almost a whisper.
“It’s exactly what it means. I can’t remember anything. The Universe stops anyone from remembering the country. Trying to remember my childhood or looking at the island just gives me a headache.”
Isa is quiet as he processes what you said. Maybe you should have passed on this question, but it’s also too late.
Right before the silence stretches on for too long, Isa speaks up.
“Sif, I don’t want to freak you out or anything okay? But there’s something I think you should know. If you’re not comfortable continuing this conversation, tell me and I’ll drop it.”
Your face twists into a look of confusion. What does he mean by that? What else could you freak out on? You let him continue.
He takes a breath in, and out. “Are you aware that you’ve talked about your childhood before?”
You jerk yourself away from him, eye wide. You search his expression for a hint of a joke but you find none. There’s a lump in your throat and your breathing quickens. You give a small shake of your head. How could you have shared anything about your past if you don’t remember it? When did you even say anything about your old life?
“I thought so… Sometimes you would bring up something about your parents, or your home, and end up forgetting what you were talking about entirely, sometimes even halfway through your words. The last time it happened was right before we reached Bambouche.” Isa says quietly.
You don’t have a response to this. Your mind is spinning and his words sound impossible. But you know he’s not lying. He wouldn’t lie about this sort of thing to you. All you can do is stare at Isabeau in disbelief.
Isa adds, “I’m pretty sure Madame has been noting down everything you say when it happens. We could ask to see her journal if you want to. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind.”
Something in you cracks and tears start running down your cheeks again. (How is this the third time you’ve cried in less than a day?) All this time you had thought you had lost part of yourself forever, yet Isa is telling you that there is written proof of your childhood. Saying it’s complicated mess of emotions is an understatement. You lift your hand to try to wipe the tears away but they’re immediately replaced by new ones. Isa just sits there, patiently watching and waiting for you to process everything.
Eventually you’re able to force words out of your mouth. “Ca- Can I hug you? …Please?”
He closes the distance and you bury your face into his shoulder. Your sniffles turns into sobs and you press yourself further into Isa’s embrace, for a second time.
Eventually you manage to pull yourself away, rubbing your eye.
“Better?”
You nod, unable to bring yourself to speak.
“Let’s go downstairs for lunch then. Bonnie should be done by now. We can talk about this later with the rest of them, or I can tell them for you, but let’s eat first.”
You’re not able to suppress the small smile on your face as you follow behind Isa.