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Ten years, forty-nine wars. Forty-nine names. He can put a name to every face he's seen, can accurately describe every battle and war he's ever seen to the tiniest, easily missed detail. It gives him nightmares sometimes, being to able recall anything in perfect detail and it never helps that he can't stop it when he's dreaming.
Three years in the Order gives his brain new ammunition and make it so much worse. Sometimes when he's dreaming, the memories start to overlap - a figure in a war that happened after they died, a red rose misplaced in the middle of a puddle of dried blood instead of resting on a lover’s grave, an Akuma where there shouldn't be one.
Three months of being held prisoner by the Noahs, of feeling bones split and crack and break and muscle rip almost daily feeds his nightmares even more. Sheril Kamelot makes him actually, truly afraid where the countless wars before never had, and there are nights when he can't sleep because it hurts so much and nights where he flat out refuses to sleep in an attempt to stave off the nightmares.
So, by the time he’s rescued, Lavi's reached the point that he's almost fairly completely sure he's hallucinating the sunlight illuminating his rescuer to look like an angel from Heaven, but he's past the point of caring and he practically falls into his rescuer's arms and refuses to let go and if that’s his body shaking with sobs, he’s past the point of caring.
Kanda makes for a very grumpy, terrible, and violent guardian angel come to save the day. Regardless, when they're free and clear of Noah pursuers, he holds Lavi up and gets him back to the Order in one piece, with very minimal hitting a certain someone upside the head. (Only once, Lavi notes, and even then he'd barely felt it.)
He spends a week in the infirmary just healing, smiling at Lenalee and Miranda when they come to visit him, and playing chess with Timothy when the head nurse lets him. Kanda doesn't come during the days, usually doesn't come at all, but Lavi wakes up one night from a nightmare to find Kanda frowning and leaning over him, hand on his shoulder like he'd been trying to wake Lavi from his nightmare. Kanda’s hair brushes against his neck, jaw, cheek, and Lavi thinks it tickles but he tries not to giggle when Kanda’s frowning so much and maybe looks a little worried, too.
Grumpy and rude as he is, Lavi's rather fond of this particular guardian angel and tells Kanda as much once when he's slightly out of it from being less than half awake. He remembers getting a pillow shoved in his face in response, and Kanda telling him to "just go back to sleep, idiot rabbit." Lavi does as told, and as he falls back asleep with the knowledge that Kanda’s sitting a few feet away and watching over him, he wonders if that twitch of the mouth he’d seen before there was a pillow in his face was an almost smile from Kanda.
His first night in his own room, back in his bed, makes him feel almost giddy.
The almost, not-quite-there giddiness lasts until he's asleep, and then drops off completely when he's sucked into another nightmare instead of just a peaceful dream.
If he moans and thrashes around in his sleep, he doesn’t realize it until he wakes up.
It starts as a normal dream, he thinks, but with the addition of Akuma - level threes, so many level fours - it changes rapidly, and it's a war scene from years ago. Torn and bloody limbs lie on the ground, broken bones shattered and sticking out, with ripped and torn skin, muscle, fat clinging to them. Blood, so much blood, everywhere.
He's seen worse, he reminds himself. He tells himself to breathe, it's nothing, it's a dream.
It's when Sheril's face slides into his vision that he stops being able to calm himself down. Lavi feels his legs shake and tries to stay standing, but then he realizes he's sitting and his legs aren't the only things shaking - it's his entire body, shaking with convulsions as the pain rocks through his body. When he tries not to scream, tries to stand and move - because it's a dream, that's it - he feels like his legs are caught up in a net and his arms flail around before he falls towards the floor.
His head lands solidly against a cement floor, cushioned only by the clothes thrown on the ground, and it's then that Lavi realizes he's awake, that's he half off his bed and his legs are tangled up in his sheets and his throat feels dry and raw like he'd been screaming. Lavi doesn't move for a moment after that, then he slowly pushes himself up and back onto the bed. Carefully untangles too long legs from the sheets, and then he stands and exits his room.
He thinks to himself, he could use that grumpy guardian angel of his right now.
Memory doesn't fail, and he finds Kanda's door quickly, leaning against it when he reaches it and knocking softly. "Yuu," he calls out into the wood of the door, voice soft as his knock but loud enough to be heard in the room.
When he doesn't get a response, he drops his head against the door and tries again. "Yuu, I know you're in there. Please."
He wonders if it's the almost pleading tone in his voice that gets Kanda to open the door.
Well, he doesn't, really, because when the door opens there's no time to wonder. Leaning against it had not been his best plan, and he slips and starts to fall when the door is suddenly swung open - Kanda reacts with that speed of his, reaching up and catching Lavi and pushing him back upright.
Lavi gives him a little smile in return. "Knew you were in there."
"What do you want?" Kanda sounds tired, and he reaches up to grab the door again, like he's ready to push it shut again at any moment. Lavi figures he probably is. Cruel angel, he thinks. Should care more about the one's life he saved, he also thinks.
Lavi doesn't actually respond to the question right away, but when Kanda sighs and starts to shut the door, Lavi shoves his way in before the door can move very far. The door stops moving and Kanda blinks at him and stares, then gestures impatiently at Lavi when he still gets no response. Lavi opens his mouth and then shuts it. Feels like his mouth is suddenly too dry and like he can't form full sentences. He does the next best thing: short, one or two word answers. "Nightmare," he says, running his tongue over his lips and not looking Kanda in the eyes as he hugs himself. "Real -" stops, lets out a shaky breath, tries again, "- real bad." He stops again, and this time he does look at Kanda when he speaks. "Sheril."
Kanda's silent as he looks at Lavi, with no pity on his face and Lavi's thankful. Instead, there's just an understanding there, and Lavi steps towards Kanda as the door shuts finally. He likes this, this ability to go to Kanda like this because he knows that Kanda understands in a way that the other's won't. Also that Kanda is more likely to hit him upside the head instead of coddle him.
It's why Lavi doesn't hesitate to wrap his arms around Kanda, to press his face against Kanda's shoulder. "Thank you," he says into the fabric of Kanda's shirt, and he smiles when all he gets is a grunt in return. He feels hands at his hips, and he goes when pushed, pressing his lips to the exposed skin of Kanda's neck just before he tumbles back onto the bed. Pulls Kanda down with him, too, and lays still as he watches Kanda roll off him and sit up. Kanda's barely able to sit up before Lavi moves and pushes his way into Kanda's lap, laying with his back against Kanda's chest and humming a little when Kanda wraps an arm around him.
"Are you going to be able to actually sleep?" Kanda asks, and Lavi shrugs as he closes his eye and tilts his head.
What he thinks is: yeah, he'll sleep just fine now.
What he says is: "Dunno. Maybe."
Kanda snorts, and Lavi smiles. He presses back against Kanda, opening his eye and leaning his head back to get a good look at the swordsman. And to no one's surprise, least of all Lavi’s, Kanda is just watching him. Lavi sighs before pushing himself up and pressing a quick kiss to Kanda's cheek. Kanda jerks back in surprise, and Lavi grins. Pushes himself up again and presses a kiss to Kanda's other cheek. Then his forehead, then his nose. Kanda, bless his normally ever angry soul, just sits there, blinks and stares at Lavi. Lavi almost smirks - he likes this mellow Kanda, who doesn’t automatically react with threats and attempted maimings, and he thinks he should start faking nightmares just to see it more.
Lavi takes the opportunity to move up again and properly kiss Kanda, who doesn't respond to it for a moment, and then he's kissing Lavi back. Lavi feels Kanda's hand on his cheek and when Kanda's thumb runs over the string to his eyepatch, Lavi lets out a little shiver and moves closer. The kiss itself is just a sweet thing, nothing really to it or remarkable about it, but Lavi doesn't want to pull away even when he does. He decides he'd like more.
He also decides he's far too tired for more.
And that he's gonna try for more in the morning.
As it is, he just closes his eye and rests his head against Kanda's shoulder, smiling a little (or a lot) when he feels Kanda kiss his forehead. "Yuu," he says.
"Hm?" Kanda's voice is soft, by his ear, and Lavi tries to press even closer.
Lavi's still smiling when he replies, saying, "Thank you." He's not sure what he's thanking Kanda for, truth be told. Maybe for saving his ass, or the fact that Kanda would apparently come in to the infirmary and watch over him, or maybe that Kanda's pretty much watching over him now.
"Go to sleep, Lavi," Kanda replies against Lavi's temple, and when Lavi feels Kanda's fingers start to card through his hair, he hums in response. It's easy for him to fall asleep now, to sleep without nightmares, when he knows Kanda is sitting there holding onto him and watching over him.