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During the ACME case, Kevin hadn’t gotten to see too many examples of Wile E.’s “geniusness”, his own engineering skills being used only on occasion and still being subject to the coyote’s usual bouts of bad luck, regardless of whether he used any ACME-branded machines or materials in his inventions.
But, when Kevin DID see something of Wile E.’s that was completely his own, he admittedly had to wonder why Wile E. had even bothered with ACME for so long in the first place. It had to be the lack of other easily available resources, because when Wile E. did have the tools to work with, it was a whole different story.
His machine to get Kevin out of bed and dressed in less than five seconds, the security trap for his hotel room (even if he did end up activating it himself, it still worked!), and of course his big final trap for the Congress hearing. All of them were incredible successes for a coyote!
What’s more, the latest invention from the self-proclaimed coyote genius didn’t seem to be an exception. If anything, it would be a huge boon to the rapidly expanding legal team at Avery, Jones, Maltese & Avery.
Although on the surface, it just seemed like a collection of gears, pulleys, and giant, gloved hands, when put together it was an absolutely marvelous machine that could organize, color-code, and file various stacks of forms and documents into an attached cubby - thus making the task of tackling daily paperwork a total breeze.
“I gotta hand it to ya, pal,” Kevin told him, looking as proud as Wile E. himself felt, “when you put your mind to it, you’ve really got a knack for this stuff!”
Naturally, Wile E. thought, allowing himself to only be the tidiest bit smug. Considering the machine hadn’t malfunctioned or blown up and the papers it was grabbing and sorting weren’t catching fire in the slightest, the coyote felt he’d earned at least THAT much.
And, having proved his engineering skills to his lawyer-turned-friend yet again, Wile E. decided to once again bring up the original idea he’d had prior to the two of them coming to a compromise. Reaching into hammerspace, he pulled out a blueprint featuring Kevin’s latest (technically new to him but still VERY much used) car and a massive rocket engine.
Kevin held back a sigh, understanding that the coyote meant well, even if he was still a little… well, looney. “Sorry, Wile E., but I’m still gonna have to say no to that one.” If worse came to worst, he really didn’t want to try explaining to his insurance how he’d managed to completely destroy ANOTHER car in less than a few months.
Though, when he saw Wile E.’s ears flatten, a twinge of hurt present in his otherwise annoyed scowl, Kevin quickly added, “It’s not ‘cause of you, I promise.” That was mostly true after all, given Wile E.’s bad luck wasn’t always his fault. “I just don’t think the cops around here would appreciate me having a rocket car, and I wouldn’t really have too many places to drive it anyway. I mean, I’ve gotten a ticket for going 38 in a 35 zone once, so…”
Wile E. rolled his eyes, but ultimately decided to relent for the time being, rolling the blueprint back up and storing it in a void only he and other toons could access.
With that issue settled, Kevin thanked Wile E. again for all his help as he prepared to walk the coyote to the office’s front door - their and Paige’s next scheduled lunch wasn’t for another few days, and while Wile E. had been eager to show off to Kevin what he’d built, he was also hoping to try and catch the Roadrunner off-guard with a quick return, potentially even catching the goofy bird once and for all before that day’s sunset.
But before they could get too far, Sal suddenly called Kevin’s name. “I just really need a second opinion on this,” he told his fellow lawyer, “preferably before the guy I have on hold gets too annoyed.”
“Right, uh- sorry, just one sec, Wile E.,” Kevin said, not wanting to be rude to his friend but not wanting to leave one of his teammates hanging either. Knowing how important the firm’s work was, Wile E. didn’t take it personally. He wanted to say hi to Paige before he left anyway, though when he looked at her desk, he didn’t see her there.
Probably in another meeting or back in the firm’s records - both of which were scenarios that Wile E. hoped weren’t too dull for her, though knowing Paige she was probably finding some sort of exciting bright side to even the most boring of tasks. An admirable trait, Wile E. thought with a smile.
But while Paige herself wasn’t at her desk, it wasn’t completely empty, as alongside her laptop and a couple of personalized knick-knacks, there was a small box of what looked like gold-wrapped confectionaries. The lid had been taken off it and a couple had already been eaten, leaving only around ten or so little candies left. The way the box was positioned right on the corner of Paige’s desk also made it look more like a free offering to clients and passersby…
Wile E. absentmindedly licked his lips. He wasn’t normally much of a sweets person, preferring the savory taste of meat over anything else in the world. Buuuut, like with nearly any person - toon or human - he did occasionally like something he could crunch on. This still usually meant bugs or rodent bones or some dried jerky, but even so Wile E. wasn’t completely opposed to something like candy as a substitute, and the shiny wrapper did somewhat remind him of a beetle’s exoskeleton.
And, if she is indeed offering, it’d be rude to refuse, Wile E. silently concluded. So, he happily plucked a single piece of candy out of the box. Squeezing it between his claws, he managed to pop it right out of its wrapping and shoot it up into the open air, where he was able to then catch it in his open mouth.
The moment the candy’s taste hit his tongue, Wile E.’s tail began to wag. While human food could never be as delicious or as satisfying as freshly caught and cooked prey, he had to admit that the candy’s high quality ingredients were nearly as mouthwatering, to the point of nearly being too rich. A surprisingly worthwhile treat in a bite-size package!
As he swallowed, Wile E. briefly thought about snatching another, wanting to savor the exquisite taste for just a bit longer, when he heard a sudden gasp that made him immediately whirl around towards the source of it.
“Wile E.!” Paige shouted from across the room, having apparently just returned from the break room, her eyes wide as she looked between him and the small box.
Instinctively, Wile E. took a step back - and that step happened to be just the angle he needed to see the cut gift-tag sitting just behind the box, with it stating in cursive lettering, “To Paige, our FAVORITE big-time lawyer! Love, Mom and Dad”
Oh dear… Scrambling, Wile E. frantically searched his fur pockets for any sort of compensation. He didn’t carry cash with him too often, though it was a habit he was developing with each return to the city. As luck would have it, he did have a crumpled up $5, which he immediately offered alongside a sheepish smile and a silent apology.
But this did nothing to calm Paige down. If anything, she seemed more upset - practically terrified. “No, no, Wile E.! Those candies have chocolate in them!” she explained, rushing towards him now.
“Wait, he ate WHAT?” Kevin cut in, his - and every other human in the office - attention now squarely on the coyote, who could only blink at the situation he had found himself in. “A-Are you sure it was chocolate?”
“Yes, I’m sure!” Paige shot back. “It literally said it right on the box!”
“Okay, okay, don’t panic!” Kevin told her, despite needing to try very hard to not panic himself. “We can just, uh- make him throw up! That’s what you’re supposed to do in this sort of situation, right?”
“Yeah but don’t toons digest things really fast? It might be too late for that!” Paige argued. “We should just get him to the hospital - or, maybe a vet? Whichever is closer!”
“Actually they’re both a good half an hour away, probably longer in this traffic,” Dottie told them. Though her voice was still fairly flat as it usually was, Wile E. could still see the concern in her face. “Don’t we have an epi-pen in our first aid kit?”
“We HAD an epi-pen, and it expired two years ago,” Sal said. “Besides, that’s for allergies, not poisonings. Can’t we just call a toon ambulance service? How does an injury firm not know how to handle emergencies?!“
“I don’t know, maybe because we’re usually dealing with them AFTER they’ve happened and it’s clear the toon isn’t gonna die from them?” Kevin snapped.
As the lawyers continued to argue amongst themselves, Wile E.’s confusion soon turned to mild curiosity as he observed it all. It was strange, seeing humans who were used to seeing much more violent, outlandish, and destructive scenarios get sent into a tizzy over something that, from Wile E.’s perspective, seemed so small and manageable.
Although, the coyote reminded himself, something like an allergy or poisoning may just hit closer to home for humans, as it was something they themselves could deal with in their much more mild form of day-to-day lives and (in the best case scenarios) actually recover from.
Either way, Wile E. was starting to both feel bad for the panicking humans and feel his eardrums hurt from all the shouting. So, bringing a paw to his lips, he whistled loud enough for everyone’s eyes to be back to him.
Once they were all looking, Wile E. pulled out a sign that simply read, “HUMAN CHOCOLATE ≠ POISON FOR TOON CANINES” Really, if anything, the logic should only apply to toon canines eating toon chocolate, Wile E. thought to himself. He then gestured to himself, showing them all that in the minutes since eating the treat, he hadn’t developed any sort of reactions or signs of becoming sick.
Wanting to prove this once and for all, Wile E. helped himself to another chocolate, eating it whole (wrapper and all) before striking a “Ta-da!” sort of pose. That seemed to finally be enough for all the humans to relax.
“Guess it makes sense, given everything else you’ve survived,” Sal told Wile E. “It’d be underwhelming for something as small as chocolate to take you out for good.”
“It was still scary!” Paige said before giving Wile E. a look. Not that she could stay mad at him for very long, but even so- “I don’t mind sharing my sweets with you, but you still should have asked first so we could have avoided a collective near-heart attack.”
Wile E. nodded, holding up a “SORRY” sign as he silently promised to remember her request the next time she had treats on her desk.
“Well, on the bright side, now we all know,” Kevin sighed, patting Wile E. on the shoulder. And that should have been the end of it. Wile E. certainly thought it would have been the end, but in that sense, maybe he should have known better than to underestimate his personal misfortunes.
As he and Kevin left Paige’s desk and headed to the front door, Wile E. only managed to make it halfway before feeling - and then seeing - some gurgling in his stomach. He felt the nausea as his face began to turn a pale and sickly shade of green. “Wile E.?” he heard Kevin ask, but was unable to answer.
Turning on his heal, Wile E. - now covering his mouth with both his paws - zeroed in on the firm’s public restroom it provided for visiting clients and sprinted towards it, leaving a brief dust cloud and a trail of papers he’d caused to fall onto the floor along the way. Once inside, he slammed its door hard - and from there, only a cacophony of random noises could be heard as the restroom itself seemed to shake slightly.
Although perhaps not completely unexpected, all the human lawyers still winced at what they saw and heard. Cautiously following after the coyote, Kevin waited until there was a break in the noises before knocking. “Wile E.? You uh… You okay in there, bud?”
The door opened just a crack, wide enough for a shaking paw to hang an “OUT OF ORDER” sign on it before slamming it shut once more. “Ah, yeah, that’s what I figured,” Kevin nodded.
“Poor Wile E.,” Paige said, wishing she had just hidden the chocolates away.
“Well, we tried to warn him,” Sal offered, though he still had some sympathy for the coyote, just as any person who had experienced the so-called ‘joys’ of food poisoning would.
There was a beat of silence before Dottie spoke up. “You know, we should probably get a new epi-pen, and whatever else we would need for a first aid kit. It would be kind of embarrassing if we got sued for not being able to help someone in an emergency.”
“Right, uh, go ahead and grab that for us, Dottie, and you can invoice me for it after,” Kevin replied. “Thanks.”
With that, the legal team slowly dispersed back to what they were doing before, though Kevin and Paige both decided to stay nearby, at least for a little while.
Thankfully, Wile E. only stayed in the restroom for another ten minutes or so. When he emerged, he was still looking a bit green and feeling a bit woozy, a hand still on his now somewhat-settled stomach, but at least he was looking somewhat better than he had only a few minutes prior, though the confidence he’d had was long gone.
The reaction to the chocolate wasn’t as deadly as it would have been for a non-toon canine, but it still wasn’t exactly pleasant - and Wile E. supposed he should have expected SOME sort of reaction to the treat, if not for purely biological reasons then simply as a reaction to the cockiness he’d been displaying. Such is the life of a toon.
“Hey, bud,” he heard Kevin ask. “How are ya feeling?” Wile E. shot him a sour look, as if to say, “What do you think?”, though in this state even his snark was weakened. “Yeah, I figured. I remember this one time I had some bad pizza, and it knocked me on my ass for the better part of a week. You wanna sit and rest for a bit before heading out?”
Normally Wile E. would opt for just walking off whatever was ailing him, but by this point in his relationship with the firm’s humans, he knew for certain that he wouldn’t be a burden to them if he took up one of their chairs for an hour or so.
As such, he let Kevin lead him back to their breakroom, with Paige following. Once there, she took it upon herself to grab a cup of warm water for him from the sink. “It’s not medicine or even tea, but it’s better than nothing,” she told him with a kind smile. “Hope it helps.”
Wile E. smiled back at her, nodding before gingerly taking a couple sips from the glass. Once satisfied, he placed the remainder of his drink on the table and settled into his seat. A seat that now had one of Kevin’s spare suit jackets, likely left there in case Wile E. started feeling any chills.
“Let us know if you need anything else, alright?” he heard Kevin ask from the doorway. Wile E. nodded, his droopy ears perking up ever so slightly as he listened to their footsteps fade off into the near distance - far enough to give him privacy and peace, but not so far that he’d need to search for them.
It was kind of funny, Wile E. mused. Having been the one to accidentally make himself sick in the first place, Wile E. would have thought the humans would have scolded him, or at the very least teased him for being so foolish. But instead, they were simply kind, wanting nothing more than to help him feel better - as if he’d been struck by the flu instead of self-inflicted food poisoning.
Perhaps they were just grateful the outcome hadn’t been worse. Or, perhaps they were just being good friends. Perhaps they just cared about him, and that possibility was more than enough to warm the scruffy coyote’s old heart, allowing him to drift off into a peaceful sleep.
The rest of the workday went by smoothly, with the lawyers still able to do their jobs, though they made sure to keep themselves quiet whenever they had to step into the break room. It was only about a quarter until the office’s closing when Kevin stepped out to take out his personal trashcan (something he’d been procrastinating on for a few good days).
He’d made it all the way to their office’s outdoor trashcan when a sudden, familiar call startled him. “BEEP BEEP!” Sure enough, when Kevin looked across the street, he could see a tall, bright blue roadrunner looking back at him.
“Oh! Uh, hey there, Mr.- um, Mr. Runner. You looking for Wile E.?” Kevin asked.
“Beep beep!” Roadrunner nodded.
“Don’t worry, he’s just inside.” Kevin replied. “Sorry, he ended up taking a sick day. Do you wanna come inside to see him-”
“Beep!” Roadrunner answered quickly, clearly still using the “two beeps for yes, one for no” method Kevin had used while at Congress. To emphasize this point, he scratched twice at the pavement underneath his feet.
“Yeah. Yeah, that’s fair.” Kevin nodded. “Can’t be a roadrunner if you’re not on the road. You want me to go tell him you’re here instead?”
“Beep beep!”
Kevin gave him a thumbs up and walked back inside. Sure enough, Wile E. was still snoozing, though the twitch his ear and tail gave when Kevin entered let him know that he wasn’t sleeping TOO deeply. “Wile E.,” he said, gently shaking. “Hey, come on, bud, wake up.”
Wile E. huffed, scrunching up his snout in annoyance as he curled up tighter, waving the lawyer away. “Wile E., we’re gonna have to close soon. You don’t have to go all the way back to your cave if you don’t want to-”
If he was still being bad, Kevin didn’t necessarily mind him sleeping over at his place, so long as he didn’t spend the night building traps. “But you should know that you’ve got a friend looking for you,” Kevin told him.
Now THAT made Wile E.’s eyes open. And, if he had any inkling of disbelief or distrust in the man’s words, they were quickly dashed once he heard the muffled “BEEP BEEP!” outside. Instantly, the coyote shot up like a rocket, face back to its normal color as he turned his head side to side, widely looking around for a quick exit - and locking his eyes on the breakroom’s window.
“…Wile E.,” Kevin said, feeling a pinch of panic. “Wile E., no! The door, Wile E., the door!”
Managing to still have SOME control of himself, Wile E. forgoed the window and ran out towards the office’s actual exit - which had been opened for him by Dottie, likely to help him avoid ripping the entire front door off its hinges. Though, as was to be expected, the dive he took out the door resulted in him crashing right into the sidewalk, his roadrunner sidestepping his attack with ease.
Not that this slowed him down any, as once he heard his prey’s “BEEP BEEP!”, that evening’s chase was back on!
From behind them, Kevin, Paige and the rest of the team watched on. “Aww, I’m glad he’s feeling better,” Paige said.
“Honestly, even if he wasn’t, I feel like he’d still try to chase him at least a little,” Kevin lightly snarked. Still, getting to see that his friend was indeed feeling okay enough to still do what made him (and his prey-turned-best-friend) happy was a nice way to end the workday.
Three days later, just a day shy of their next scheduled meal together, a small package arrived courtesy of the USPS’s desert branch, containing a brand new box of gold-wrapped chocolates (which Wile E. had taken the liberty of putting a “WARNING: CONTAINS CHOCOLATE” label on) and a single desert marigold.
THE END