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“...So, do you think Wile E. has any hobbies outside of chasing after the Roadrunner?”
Kevin blinked, his niece’s voice breaking through his mid-day malaise. “I’m sorry, what?”
It was Wednesday, easily the slowest day of the week for the team at Avery, Jones, Maltese & Avery, as it was right in between the busy nature of Mondays, which usually saw toons pushing to try and be first in line for submitting their case, and the hustle and bustle of Fridays, where it rush to get things filed and organized before their office closed for the weekend.
While nowadays, Kevin was much less likely to come in late or leave early, he could still enjoy a nice slow day now and then. Days where he could metaphorically catch his breath, where he could just rest and zone out for a bit in-between all the research and prep work and client meetings that typically filled his weeks.
But, with nothing too concrete to focus on, it was only natural for thoughts to wander, and in the case of his niece/law firm partner, her thoughts had apparently wandered towards a certain cartoon coyote.
“It’s a valid question, right?” she told him. “I mean, even the people who are 110% dedicated to their careers still have at least one thing they like to do outside of that.”
“Well,” Kevin began, rubbing the back of his head, “I know he likes to read sometimes. Though, a lot of books are about roadrunners, or machines and traps that can be built and used to hypothetically catch a roadrunner… He also likes to skim recipe websites for roadrunner-based dishes. Does that count as a hobby?”
Paige gave him a flat look. “Come on, Kevin, I’m being serious!”
“So I am!” Kevin replied back. “I honestly don’t think he has any hobbies outside of whatever things that he can connect back to chasing and catching the roadrunner. And, knowing him, I don’t think he wants a non-roadrunner hobby either.”
“But, is that healthy?” Paige asked. “I’m not trying to say he should stop trying to catch the Roadrunner altogether-” Trying to convince Wile E. of that was a fool’s errand. She could give him a whole laundry list of reasons why he should reconsider his life-long goal, and she was certain he’d still brush it off like it was nothing.
Not that she really wanted to try and stop him anyway. Paige knew how toons operated, having their own quirks and fixations and reasons for doing what they do, and she wasn’t about to try and tell Wile E. to complete drop what was a core part of his life like it was nothing, especially not while she knew how much those chases and traps and games of strategy meant to both Wile E. AND the Roadrunner.
“-but that’s not even the part I’m worried about,” Paige continued. “What if the chase has to end one day? I know it takes a lot to take out a toon for good, but what if eventually one of them gets seriously hurt - or worse - and then they can’t do their chase anymore? Or, what if they decide they don’t WANT to do it anymore? Or what if he actually catches the Roadrunner one day?”
She specifically used the word ‘catch’ and not ‘catch and kill/eat’, because she was almost certain Wile E. would never want to permanently get rid of the Roadrunner, but would their game of chase still be fun and satisfying to both of them after Wile E. finally got that big win, or would that just be it? Would they just have nothing to occupy their time after that? No purpose for their dynamic, nothing to live for or strive towards or share?
Paige didn’t know, which just made her all the more worried about the possibility. “I just think we should make sure Wile E. has at least one thing he can fall back on if he, for whatever reason, has to direct all that energy somewhere else. Don’t you think he should have that?”
“I mean, yeah, everyone needs hobbies,” Kevin admitted. “I just don’t think you’re gonna be able to convince him of that, if only because I’m pretty sure if you look up ‘single-minded’ in the dictionary, a picture of Wile E. Coyote is gonna be there as one of the examples.”
“I’m not saying it’s going to be easy,” Paige told him. After all, she knew the coyote nearly as well as her uncle did. “I’m just saying it’s worth exploring, given how good it’d be for him in the long run.”
“Again, you’re not wrong,” Kevin replied, even if he still couldn’t help but feel like Paige was taking on her own Sisyphean task. Toons were as stubborn as they were resilient, and while he knew Paige would be kind and patient with her pursuit, he wasn’t sure if Wile E. would grant her that same courtesy.
Regardless of this doubt, Paige knew she had to at least try. So, with her inbox still free of new emails and not many other means of staying productive available to her just yet, she decided it was the perfect time to take a break and do some non-law related research.
There had to be hundreds upon hundreds of options for hobbies out there, and surely ONE had to appeal to Wile E., right?
“The sky’s the limit,” she quietly reminded herself, a search engine already open on her screen and a blank notebook page and pen at the ready.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()
To say that trying to find a hobby for one Mr. Wile E. Coyote (Genius) was easier said than done was a MASSIVE overstatement, Paige soon learned nearly a month and a half later, her heart sinking each time she looked at her list, which was now filled with more lines and scribbles than words.
Funny thing was that going into this project of hers, Paige had assumed the hardest part of it would be getting Wile E. to try out a new hobby long enough for him to see if it piqued his interest. She had figured he would initially see the hobbies she suggested as uninteresting or not worth his time, and as such had prepared for each one of them.
In reality though, it was the exact opposite, as whenever Paige brought him a new hobby kit or bundle of supplies, he’d happily give it a shot almost immediately! What’s more, he’d often be pretty good at them without too much trial and error, taking to most of her hobby suggestions like a fish to water.
…Unfortunately, Wile E. would then, just as quickly, put what he was able to do with these hobbies towards his latest roadrunner-focused scheme.
One of the first hobbies Paige had suggested had been painting, given how natural he seemed with a brush back when she saw him paint out the train tunnel Dr. Lorre had left his message in - and to be fair, she had been right in these assumptions, as Wile E. didn’t hesitate to jump right into painting.
However, instead of trying to paint a self portrait or an abstract piece, Wile E. immediately painted out a desert landscape before then painting in himself, Roadrunner and the latest trap that was on his mind, essentially turning the painting into a more visually pleasing blueprint.
Thinking that going more niche was the way to go, Paige tried different types of art, but to no avail. Rock painting had been a complete flop, as instead of putting a cute picture or an encouraging phrase he liked on them, Wile E. only painted them to look like giant pieces of bird seed.
(Meant as both bait and a confusing distraction, Paige had learned, though these ‘seeds’ still ended up being eaten anyway. Wile E. had apparently already known that large birds like the Roadrunner tended to eat rocks on occasion to help with digestion, but neither she nor Wile E. expected Roadrunner’s beak to be strong enough to break through the rocks almost instantly - though Paige was also pretty sure she’d seen the speedy bird swallow a couple of them whole.)
Crochet had seemed like a good open-ended hobby with lots of variety, but she soon quickly discovered that whether it was knitting up some plush decoys or creating a giant net or a stretchy scarf that was perfect for bungee diving towards his prey, Wile E. saw his crocheted creations as only good for ONE thing, and it wasn’t to be admired or sold off an Etsy shop.
It was at this point that Paige had decided to try a different form of art, and found a simple ukulele to give to Wile E. the next time they saw each other, thinking that music would be enough of an abstract concept that he would (hopefully) have enough to explore and experiment with - which could, in turn, lead to the coyote developing a genuine interest in it.
A couple weeks later, Paige had to force a smile as she and Kevin listened to him explain through diagrams and a few strums on his now-broken ukulele that although he HAD composed the perfect catchy tune to attract the Roadrunner to his location (and somehow hooked it up to a speaker system to help amplify his song), his plan to distract the Roadrunner with music and dancing long enough for him to be caught had been… heavily flawed, to say the least.
Paige tried not to let herself get discouraged, still believing somewhere in both her head and her heart that she could help Wile E. find something that would click with him (and ONLY him), but each new attempt at getting Wile E. hooked onto a hobby seemed to have the same result.
Baking? Treats for the Roadrunner. Photography or video-making? Tracking and surveilling the Roadrunner. Cycling? Just another method of transportation he could use to chase down the Roadrunner.
Roadrunner. Roadrunner. Roadrunner!
Paige groaned in frustration, crumpling up the paper and tossing it into her desk-side trashcan. How the hell could so many commonplace hobbies so easily be used as a means to potentially hunt down and capture a bird? Leave it to a toon to make the impossible all too easy.
Sighing, she tried to calm herself. “You’re not done yet,” she said, picking her pen back up. “You just have to try thinking of what Wile E. would enjoy doing. Think of stuff he already enjoys doing.”
Except that was a much, MUCH smaller list. She knew he enjoyed inventing, but outside of the traps and machines used in his ‘career field’, the only other things Wile E. built or invented things meant for the sake of his new human friends - whether that was to help make their office lives easier, keep their homes safe, or help get them out of bed on those lazy mornings.
Had Wile E. EVER invented something just for himself, Paige wondered. Did the coyote even LIKE inventing, or did he just see it as a means to a seemingly impossible end?
Thinking over the other things she’d seen Wile E. take an interest in didn’t offer her much help either, much to Paige’s aggravation. She knew the coyote enjoyed reading, but on the few occasions she’d seen his home bookshelf, Paige had only found non-fiction titles - engineer’s guides and inventor biographies and textbooks for nearly every field of knowledge (and, of course, cookbooks).
Maybe she just had to help him get into the fiction genre? Paige wrote down ‘sci-fi?’ in her notes, not quite knowing where to even start with that one, as she didn’t read sci-fi too often herself. Maybe he’d also enjoy a fictional drama or mystery? She wasn’t sure.
Wile E.’s interest in real-life science, meanwhile, had the exact opposite problem, as whenever she tried to find hobby kits focused around those fields, the only things that came up were generic encyclopedias and elementary-level chemistry sets that Paige was sure Wile E. would have been annoyed and utterly offended by, had she actually tried to gift something like that to a genius such as him (not that Paige would have been able to blame him, she hated being treated like a kid too.)
And speaking of that geniusness, Paige had to remind herself that In spite of everything, she’d had a few successes with some hobby suggestions - hobbies that couldn’t immediately be used as a weapon or strategy against her canine friend’s eternal rival. A model ship-in-a-bottle kit, a book of crosswords, a 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle - all of them had actually been successful.
But that success had been extremely brief. The first crossword in the book he finished in only five minutes. The model kit took less than an hour, and the puzzle was apparently finished within an afternoon.
What’s more, each time Wile E. finished one of these projects, he would present it back to Paige (as if he was the one doing HER a favor), give her a polite nod of appreciation, and then immediately direct his attention back to his one true goal, all while remaining hobbyless.
So maybe the best route to go was something more long-term, she wondered, like collecting stamps or trading cards! …Then again, she wanted to ignite a new passion within the coyote, but not necessarily a new obsession. Dungeons & Dragons could be a long-term hobby, but outside of her, her uncle and the Roadrunner, Wile E. wasn’t much of a people-person (that and he totally seemed like the type to railroad the game towards his own character’s needs and desires.)
After hitting dead end after dead end, Paige sighed at her mostly-blank page, its empty lines practically taunting her. With nothing to write and any attempt at thinking up more ideas coming up dry, her gaze wandered over towards the office’s large meeting room where she could see Kevin and Wile E. working silently side by side.
The coyote had made his way to town that day to offer some insight on a specific case that involved some of ACME’s oldest products from a toon family’s inherited storage unit, with these products being so obsolete that Kevin hadn’t even been able to figure out how they worked, much less how they were defective.
Thankfully, between the two of them, they were able to not only figure out what they needed, but they also now had the means to search for incidents that were similar to what the family was alleging. As Kevin combed through acquired incident reports and buried product reviews from decades past, Wile E. - not wanting to leave just yet in case his lawyer needed him - kept himself busy.
While she had no hope of seeing what specifically the coyote was writing and/or sketching from her desk, Paige could tell what it most likely was judging by the mischievous glint she could still see in Wile E.’s eyes.
In that moment, part of a song from one of her favorite musicals from her teenage years (honestly, STILL one of her favorite musicals, as embarrassing as it was to admit) suddenly popped into her head: How do you write like you're running out of time? Write day and night like you're running out of time? Every day you fight like you're running out of time? How do you write every second you’re alive?
As much as she wanted to facepalm and roll her eyes at her inner theatre kid, Paige also couldn’t help but agree with her sentiments.
This, in turn, prompted memories of another song from the same soundtrack. “Take a break,” Paige quietly sang under her breath, “The Roadrunner can wait… You’ve already made your mark… Just take a break.” She sighed again, closing her notebook for the time being. Maybe more ideas would come to her later…
Nearly an hour later, Wile E. was finally set to leave the firm for the day, with Kevin (having promised him some drive-thru he could eat on his way back to the desert), following him to the door. As they walked though, Wile E. made sure to wave goodbye to Paige as well, silently wishing her the best of luck on whatever case she had on her plate that day. And Paige…
Wile E.’s steps slowed as he stared at the young lawyer. She hadn’t ignored him - “Hope you have a good night too, Wile E.,” she had replied, just as friendly and courteous as ever - but the smile she gave him didn’t quite reach her eyes, falling as soon as her attention was directed back at her computer screen.
Although perhaps a bit tired, she didn’t seem stressed out necessarily. She just seemed… sad.
As soon as they were through the front door, Wile E. tugged on Kevin’s jacket sleeve and pointed through the door. “What?” Kevin asked. “Did you forget a pencil or something?”
Scowling, Wile E. pointed again, tapping the glass hard as he tried to make Kevin see that he was pointing right at Paige. Once he seemed to get it, Wile E. allowed his concern to show on his face, tilting his head to silently ask if everything was alright with her.
“Oh, uh- Yeah! Paige is fine,” Kevin tried to assure him. “She’s just, uh, busy. Been doing lots of brainstorming lately.”
Wile E. furrowed his brows. With a case? he silently asked.
Having gotten pretty good at reading the cartoon canine’s expressions and understanding what they meant, Kevin shook his head. “Not with work stuff. Just… a personal project.”
He watched Wile E.’s scowl deepen in annoyance as he gave him the ‘go on…’ hand gesture. Kevin couldn’t really blame him for being so curious, but he didn’t think it was his place to try and explain what exactly his niece’s ‘project’ was.
Frankly, Kevin also wasn’t sure which scenario would be worse for her: Wile E. trying to take pity on her by faking an interest in a hobby, or shutting her efforts down entirely with the insistence that he didn’t NEED a hobby. (Or, even worse, thinking she was trying to ‘fix’ him and/or his life and getting offended by the whole thing.) So, plausible deniability it was.
“I’ll keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn’t get too down about it, and I’ll be sure to give her a hand if she needs one,” Kevin promised, giving the canine a small smile. “But for now… I think this project is pretty important to her, so it might be best to let her work it out for herself.”
At least that was the truth, somewhat. For as much as he still believed it would end in some level of disappointment for her, Kevin knew Paige well enough to know that she wouldn’t accept that disappointment until it was the only option she had left.
Wile E. didn’t seem to agree, but nodded anyway, keeping any further thoughts to himself as he got into Kevin’s car. A personal project, Wile E. repeated to himself. Since it was apparently so personal, the self-proclaimed genius extraordinaire didn’t take too much offense to her not asking him for assistance on it. Still, part of him felt a duty of sorts to assist in SOME way…
That had been his dynamic with his attorneys since the beginning, after all, with the three of them helping each other better their lives (even if their perspectives sometimes clashed.) And, given all the generous gifts and trap materials she’d been giving him lately, Wile E. felt even more of an obligation to take some of the stress off her shoulders, or at the very least-
The car’s dome light flickered on briefly as Wile E. suddenly got an idea. Oh, yes, he thought to himself with a proud smile, his tail beginning to wag. That should do just nicely!
For the next week or so, Wile E. would still dedicate most of his daytime hours to plotting, trap-building, and chasing the Roadrunner - he was still a workaholic at heart, after all, and taking a whole week off wouldn’t be fair to him OR his prey/friend, even if it was to help cheer up another friend.
But, as soon as the sun went down, Wile E. turned his attention to all the materials and items he’d been gifted, a clear plan in mind for each of them.
Although there were still tiny mishaps here and there (as was to be expected), many of these specific plans came to fruition, much to his excitement - and by the time a week was up, Wile E. was heading back to Albuquerque with a packed bindlestiff over his shoulder and a joyful skip in his step!
()()()()()()()()()()()()
“Wile- Wait, wait, Wile E.! Where are we-!” The coyote gave her no answer - not a single sign - instead just flashing his teeth at her in a wide grin as he continued to drag her towards the building’s back entrance. “Ugh, Wile E…” Paige wanted to be annoyed with him, though even if she could be, she knew it wouldn’t last too long.
Her surprise still lingered however, as while she was always happy to have his company, she hadn’t expected Wile E. to make his way back to the city for at least a few weeks, if not a whole month. And he was just so excited too, yet he refused to give away anything until they were both outside.
Once there, Wile E. pulled out his bindle, eagerly handing it to her. Had he found more ACME evidence in his cave or out in the desert. Cautious, Paige slowly slowly untied the red and white sack - but instead of another tower of busted ACME products, she saw…
Paige blinked, unable to say anything at first. “Wile E… Did you-?”
Wile E. smiled, rubbing his hands together. Yes, YES! He knew she was going to love his gifts! Reaching into the sack, he pulled out the first thing his fingers touched, which ended up being the rock he’d painted for her - a lovely robin’s egg blue with images of desert marigolds painted all across it.
Admittedly, it was more of a miniature boulder than a flat stone like the ones she’d given him, but hey, bigger as always better as far as the coyote was concerned. Carefully setting it next to her, Wile E. pulled out the next item - a perler bead bracelet!
It had taken a bit of time to organize and carefully place all the different colored beads she’d given him, but Wile E. decided being able to spell out Paige’s name within the bracelet itself had been more than worth it. Gently taking her hand, he put it on her wrist, still chuckling silently at her shocked reaction.
The items came quickly after that - a loaf of homemade bread made with hand-picked cactus fruit, a crocheted blazer she could wear to court, a ship in a bottle he’d dubbed the S.S. PAIGE - And, he thought to himself gleefully as he lifted out the (repaired) ukulele, if she loved all of those, then surely she’ll ALSO love-!
One of his ears twitched at the sound of a sniffle. Feeling a sense of dread overtake him, Wile E. looked over towards Paige, who was no longer looking at each item in awe. Instead, she was… crying? No, not just crying. Nearly sobbing!
Dropping the instrument with a hollow *clank!*, Wile E. rushed over to the attorney, waving his hands in panic as he silently pleaded with her. She wasn’t supposed to cry, he was supposed to cheer her up! And sure, he was used to failing in his endeavors when it came to a lot of things, but this? He would have rather taken a hundred boxes of TNT to the face than have a failure like this!
But then, almost as quickly as it began, Paige’s crying started to turn to… laughter? She was laughing? Was she actually happy about his gifts then, or had his incompetence simply driven his friend insane? Completely confused now, Wile E. took out a “???” sign.
“Aww,” Paige sniffled, still giggling as she tried to wipe away her tears. “I’m sorry, I know I’m being weird. I just… You really made all these things just for me?”
Wile E. flipped his sign, its back reading, “OF COURSE!” What else were friends supposed to do when they saw that one of them was upset by something? And what on Earth had upset her so much in the first place?!
Seeing his confusion, Paige figured giving him an explanation was the least she could do. “I guess you can say that when I gave you all this stuff, I wasn’t just expecting you to make gifts for me - though, don’t get me wrong, it’s still really sweet, and I really do love all of these gifts.” She smiled as she saw the relief on Wile E.’s face at that. “Originally though, I’d been thinking… Okay, so, it all started a few months ago…”
One explanation (and a couple of tissues) later, and the two of them were now sitting next to each other on the curb near the firm’s employee parking lot, both of them at ease (thanks to now fully being on the same page) and feeling just a little extra thankful for their shared friendship.
“I know I probably should have just talked to you about how worried I was,” Paige admitted. “I guess I just… wanted to help, but I shouldn’t have just assumed that you needed my help in the first place. You seem like you’re happy, and I’m glad for that. Really glad. I just wanted to make sure you stayed happy.”
Wile E. was touched by how much she cared about his well being, he truly was, but he also wanted to make sure she didn’t start worrying about him again, given that he didn’t expect to change or majorly adjust his lifestyle anytime soon.
Knowing that it’d take a few too many signs to explain and break it all down for her, Wile E. instead pulled a small chalkboard out of hammerspace, alongside a fresh piece of chalk. At the top of the board, he quickly wrote out “THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY” before underlining it.
Then, in a flash, he drew his first picture - a sketch of the Roadrunner that looked so clean and so accurate that part of Paige expected him to come to life and beep at her.
Giggling at the thought, Paige nodded at Wile E. to continue, already having a pretty good understanding on why having the Roadrunner in his life made Wile E. so happy. The bird was both a lifelong companion and an eternal challenge for him to strive towards, for better or worse.
Across from the Roadrunner sketch, Wile E. drew a picture of a brain that was nearly as accurate looking as his first drawing before drawing a simple outline of his skull around the brain.
Paige nodded again. “Your intelligence.”
“GENIUSNESS”, Wile E. corrected with a smirk.
“Right, right.” Whatever term they used, it still made sense to Paige, as it was Wile E.’s intellect that set him apart from other toons and allowed him to create such amazing and memorable things (even if they blew up in his face half the time). It was understandable on that level that simply being smart would make him happy.
Finally, Wile E. went to work on his final drawing, with this one taking the longest, though Paige wasn’t sure if this was due to Wile E. not being as used to drawing this specific image as he was with the first two, or if he just wanted to make sure this one looked just right.
Either way, it still only took him a couple minutes to present it to her, with this final sketch featuring a scruffy-looking, bearded man in a loose fitting suit and a dark-haired woman in a sharp-looking blazer. Paige could feel herself start to get a bit teary-eyed again once she fully saw it. “Me and Kevin,” she answered with a smile.
Wile E. nodded, moving to draw one final circle around all three sketches, as if to say, these are all the things that make me happy, and these are all I need to be happy, before smiling back at her.
“Yeah, I know,” Paige assured him, “But it’s still nice to know. And hey-” Gently grabbing his arm, she moved him close enough to wear she was able to pull him in for a one-armed hug. “Having you as my friend makes me happy too.” Wile E.’s own smile grew at that, his ears relaxing as he leaned into the hug.
In that moment - whether it came from the two of them being in a state of content, no longer worried about the other’s feelings, or it was simply comedic irony striking once again, Wile E. couldn’t say. Either way, it was in THAT moment that he suddenly remembered that he did in fact have a hobby that wasn’t directly correlated to the Roadrunner.
Though, was it even really much of a hobby, he wondered to himself. It was only really something he did on occasion, and as such he could hardly really call it a ‘passion’. But it was still something, enough that he’d figure Paige would like to know about it.
Escaping her hug, the coyote began to rush around the parking lot in search for something. Given that Albuquerque was a decently sized city, it didn’t take him long to find a piece of litter, which he held up for Paige to see before tossing it straight into a nearby open trashcan.
Not getting anything more than mild surprise from her, Wile E. did it again, and again, and again. “Wile E.,” he heard Paige say as he prepared for another go, “we appreciate the help, but you don’t have to clean up the parking lot for us!”
Wile E. shook his head, bringing her attention back to the trash in his head. Since it was an empty, half-crushed cup, he couldn’t exactly bounce it in the traditional sense, but he did manage to mime it out enough for Paige to seem to recognize it as dribbling. He then tossed it in the dumpster, though this time, he made sure his throw was specifically an alley-oop.
“...Basketball?” Paige suddenly realized. The canine grinned. “Basketball,” she said again, nearly laughing now. “You like playing basketball!”
“I DABBLE,” Wile E. signed, still smiling.
“Heh, wow…” In her search for the perfect hobby for him, Paige had gone out of her way to avoid sports and other activities that seemed fairly physical, figuring he’d want something more sedentary and relaxing to do in-between his chases.
And yet, basketball made total sense, as while she couldn’t see him necessarily striving to be the best player ever or get himself into the toon equivalent of the NBA, Paige could absolutely see him trying to use his intellect and more than a few gadgets to try and make the game more interesting and fun for him.
“Basketball seems like a great hobby to have,” she told him. “Even if you only play it once in a while.”
Taking an extra moment, Paige then admitted, “I used to sing. I was in my high school’s show choir, and I even did a couple musicals, though I never got any super big parts. I tried to do choir in college too, but I had to eventually drop it once I decided to go all in on becoming a lawyer. I still like to sing sometimes though, even if it’s just to myself in the car after I’ve found a new Broadway show to obsess over.”
“THAT’S A GREAT HOBBY TOO,” Wile E. signed in approval, with Paige immediately thanking him.
The day was still young, there were still roadrunners to try catching and upcoming trials that needed to be prepped for - and they were certainly going to put their all towards those goals. But before that time came, the two friends decided to just take an hour to sit and listen to one of Paige’s musical-filled playlists.
By the time their hour was up and it was time for both of them to get back to work, they’d promised each other that the next time a touring musical managed to make its way down to New Mexico, they would both take the night off and try to get front row seats.
And hey, maybe Kevin and Beep-Beep would want to come too, Paige thought to herself, smiling at the idea. Because as great as hobbies were on your own, getting to enjoy them alongside a good friend was even better.
THE END