Chapter Text
“Well?”
“...he seems to be telling the truth,” Emilia said, conflicted. Even Otto was forced to agree he wasn't lying after testing his knowledge of their camp. “He knows a lot about us, and-” she chewed her lip. “And Beatrice said she could feel their contract.”
Across from her, Anastasia stroked her scarf. “This could be a good thing,” she said eventually. “One of our objectives for this expedition is to cure the victims of Gluttony. Bringing one of them along could prove useful.”
Emilia tilted her head. “One?”
“Forgive me, Emilia-sama, but we don't know them. Too many variables can prove fatal.”
“Then... how do we decide?” The boy she'd just met would want to go, she was sure of it. Going by his claims, an expedition of this nature would be something he would be reluctant to miss; she worried a bit about his mental state, but she supposed anyone would act that way in his situation.
“The Augria Sand Dunes are dangerous. I already have the knowledge to get us there, so what we need is strength.” She smiled, but it didn't seem to reach her eyes. “How about a friendly duel?”
Emilia chewed her lip, unsure. “Will your knight agree?”
“I'm sure he will.”
She sighed. “Okay,” she said, and for a split second she wondered where she'd heard the word.
-*-*-*-*-
“This feels uncomfortably familiar,” Subaru said.
He was standing across from Julius, his whip in one hand while Julius held his sword. He looked haggard, exhausted in a way Subaru hadn't thought he was even capable of looking. At his words, however, he seemed to grow slightly curious.
Anastasia announced a beginning to the duel, but he remained still. “Familiar?” he echoed.
Subaru chuckled uneasily. “I guess you don't remember it anymore, huh? When we first met, at the opening ceremony, I insulted the knights order. You...” he winced. “...put me in my place, I guess.”
His eyes widened. “I... we fought?”
Subaru snorted. “Not really. I couldn't do much, back then. All bark and no bite.”
Julius had lowered his sword, somewhat, and a confused Anastasia once again announced the beginning of the duel. Was he feeling guilty about it? “I don't hold it against, you,” Subaru said quickly. “If anything, I'm grateful! Kinda sucked at the time, but the worst part was shaking that 'self-proclaimed-knight' epithet afterwards.” It was shaky at best, for an attempt at a joke.
It didn't seem to help. Julius had his head down, now, but at least his grip on his sword had tightened. Subaru decided to take this as a good sign.
He cracked his whip, bending his knees slightly. “Enough waiting! Let's duel. You don't remember our first one, so this can be our new start. No hard feelings either way, yeah?”
Julius continued to stand in silence, for a short moment, and when he finally broke it his voice was nearly silent. “It's like you don't care,” he said.
Subaru faltered. “Huh?”
He finally raised his head, and met Subaru's confused gaze with a scowl. “You've been forgotten,” he said. “To the world, to the people you've sworn to serve, you've ceased to exist! And yet you joke, you act as though-” He cut himself off, frustrated.
“They've forgotten me, but I'm still here, Julius. I haven't lost anyone, I've just lost the way they saw me-”
“And that's a good thing, isn't it?” Subaru froze. “I don't remember you. I don't know you, but everything I've seen suggests that you're a fool. So you stand here, declaring that you remain unaffected as though it's some sign of virtue, when instead you're doubtless elated at the chance to repair a broken reputation!”
Subaru scowled. “That's not even close, you prick-”
“Not a soul remembers when I 'put you in your place', as you said,” he growled. “Allow me to refresh their memories.”
They launched themselves at each other, Subaru now full of white-hot rage.
This really was familiar.
-*-*-*-*-
Subaru wasn't sure if he'd actually expected to win, or if it had been some remnant of optimism yet to be snuffed out. Regardless, he should've known better than to hold onto it.
Felix didn't even attempt small talk, when healing his bruised face. It hurt more than expected.
-*-*-*-*-
Subaru felt like screaming.
You need me, he wanted to say. Let me protect you. Let me stay by your side. He felt closer to the way he'd been at the Capital than he had in over a year, and yet he couldn't bring himself to care.
“Emilia-tan, I- I know I'm not very strong, but I can still help! This is important, and- and as your knight, I should-”
“As of right now, I have no memory of any knight at all,” she said gently, though her face was tinged with unmistakable sorrow. “It's... a lot of information to process. I'm reeeally glad you want to come with us, but...”
She trailed off, and Subaru knew she was searching for an excuse to leave him behind, to justify forcing him to stay. “But you're injured,” is what she eventually landed on, her eyes fixating onto his bandaged leg and arm. “You should stay and rest,” she continued, gesturing towards a bedridden Otto. “Once we come back, we can figure things out.”
He wanted to cry. “But-!”
“Subaru,” she cut in. “I believe you, when you say you're my knight. And I believe you when you say that you're useful. But you're not what we need for this expedition.”
He grit his teeth. “What if it's dangerous?” he said, voice rising. “What if there's something out there that none of you could have predicted? You could die out there, Emilia-tan-!”
“And you'd be able to change that-?”
“YES!” The room quieted instantly, and Emilia looked at him in shock. “I've done it before,” he continued, voice on the verge of yelling. “I've- There's been so many times, and-” He sank to the floor, knees weak, and worked to steady his breathing.
“I promised to be there for you,” he said softly, and his voice cracked. “I promised. Just... let me keep that promise. Please.”
The silence stretched longer, and Subaru refused to meet her eyes. He knew how much promises meant to her. And he knew how often he'd broken them in the past, but she didn't. She didn't know anything about him.
He felt disgusting.
“I'll be back soon,” she said eventually, and tears began to form in the corners of his eyes once again. “Once I'm back...” She trailed off, opening her mouth as though to speak, but nothing came out. Without another word she turned towards the door and walked out, rejoining the busy streets.
Beside him, Otto and Beatrice stayed silent. They didn't know him well enough to offer him any comfort, after all.
-*-*-*-*-
He was going to go anyway.
Was, past tense. Was, because Reinhard was there, now, standing alongside Anastasia and Emilia and Julius and Garfiel, and his eyes had met his, a sympathetic expression serving regardless as a warning.
This Reinhard didn't know Subaru. Subaru walked back to the inn.
-*-*-*-*-
Otto had remained slightly unsure about the boy until he saw him interact with Patrasche.
In fact, the distrust had grown significantly for a small time before then. Ever since the Pleiades expedition had left he'd been acting happy and excitable in a way that Otto knew better than to trust; he didn't have to know someone well to understand when they were putting up a mask, and this was about as obvious as it came.
Still, he'd refused to put it down around Otto. Beatrice, too, and it was clear that it was hurting her. What sort of contractor kept up an act even near their spirit? How was Otto meant to trust someone who didn't trust him back?
And then one day, he'd asked for Patrasche by name. He'd been visiting Otto frequently, while he healed, but most of his time was spent helping to rebuild. He always seemed so busy, so overwhelmed with things to do, so exhausted; a part of Otto suspected he wanted Patrasche to help him with some task. Still, Otto couldn't recall ever giving Patrasche her name, nor could he remember anyone else bringing it up. He couldn't even recall the ground dragon acting anything less than snappy with anyone. So he'd trusted what he couldn't remember, and sent Subaru her way.
When he hadn't returned later that night, he'd worried that the boy had taken her and run. Why else would he ask for a ground dragon just before disappearing? But Beatrice has insisted he was still in Priestella, and so he had accompanied her to the stables, a quick Murak helping him walk.
They'd found him asleep in the pens, a protective ground dragon wrapped carefully around him. There were dried tear tracks on his face, and Patrasche had nearly bitten his hand off when he tried to wake him. Let him rest, she'd snapped, and he'd acquiesced.
But Beatrice refused to leave him there, and Otto felt bad about it, too, so they'd nestled down into the hay beside Patrasche. He'd woken up to an embarrassed Subaru, fussing over him for leaving his bed rest.
“I'm glad you came to find me,” he'd said, “but why'd you join me?!”
“Because we're worried about you, I suppose!” Beatrice had said. There were tears threatening to spill from her eyes, and Subaru had fallen silent.
He'd not let go of Beatrice's hand until they reached the inn again, and the next day he'd only offered them a small, exhausted smile in place of his usual energetic greeting. It felt like progress.
-*-*-*-*-
Beatrice had grown used to not being alone.
She could still recall when this change had occurred, but not the how. Ever since the Library had burned down, her memories had slowly but surely been populated with a growing number of people. She'd spent a year surrounded by the Emilia camp, slowly breaking out of her shell, but the agent of this change eluded her; logically, it had been Subaru, but what had he done? What had he said to her, to coax her out of her prison?
She felt ashamed to ask, ashamed to remind him of her horrible incompetence. So she did what she did best and waited – for him to tell her himself, for him to share his burdens, for him to seek her presence. But he didn't, and she refused to push, and so instead she was left to wallow in that familiar emptiness.
Until finally she and Otto had found him in the stables, and she'd told him they cared for him. The way his eyes had widened, then, made her heart ache. Had he truly believed otherwise? Beatrice supposed it was only fair, in some twisted way, that just as they had forgotten their care for him, so had he.
The following day, after carefully admonishing Otto for pushing himself during his recovery, he had finally asked Beatrice to accompany him into town. She expected the rebuilding efforts, the searches for remains and belongings through piles of rubble. She had not expected the dozens of warm greetings, nor the children clinging to him.
It only took him a split second to notice how out of place she felt. “Mimi, Fred,” he said, practically pulling them off of him. “I can't play today. I'm taking my super-cool partner Beako around the city.”
The children glanced between the two of them, briefly bewildered, and several nearby children did the same. “Can't she just play with us?” the demi-girl asked, and Beatrice puffed up on principle.
“I would not lower myself to-”
“She's shy,” Subaru stage-whispered, and several of them nodded seriously before scampering off. The demi-girl stayed, however, along with two others who looked remarkably similar.
“Mimi still doesn't understand,” she said, and one of her siblings sighed.
“Mimi, she's not a kid, like us. She's a spirit. Don't you remember meeting her before the battle?”
She furrowed her brow. “Spirit... oh! Like the ones that guy Julius had.”
Beatrice nearly protested at the comparison, but she noticed her contractor wince. “It's still strange to hear you talk about him like that,” he said, and the girl's sibling winced as well.
“It's... a lot to take in,” he said, “even with what you've told us. But I think we're coming to terms with it.”
Subaru nodded uneasily, before plastering a fake smile onto his face. “Well, can't say I didn't try. I did more for that prick than I needed to, really.”
The boy chuckled awkwardly. “Yeah...”
They fell into silence, for a moment, before Subaru abruptly reached to grab her hand. “Well, we'd best get going. I'm showing Beako around the reconstruction efforts today. See you guys later!”
“See you, Subaru.” “Later!” “Take care.”
He pulled her further towards the center of town, where the canals met, and the way was filled with greetings. Well wishes, gratitude, questions about his well being and the girl at his side. He answered each with a smile, somehow lighter than any she'd seen on him until then, and for a moment she felt as if she was seeing the image he had been trying so hard to project in front of her for the past weeks.
She stopped in her tracks near an alley, and Subaru stopped with her. “Beako?” he said, and the small concerned tilt to his head infuriated her nearly as much as the disappearance of his smile. Was it her, then? Was he incapable of smiling when it was her he directed it towards?
She pulled him into the alley, away from prying eyes. Already her own were stinging with unshed tears. “Why?”
“Huh?” He furrowed his brows. “Why what, Beako-?”
“Why do these people know you better than I do?”
He froze, then faltered. “I-”
“For weeks, Betty has been waiting for her contractor to speak with her. Betty understands that it's hard, because it's hard for her, too! But-” She sniffled. “But I thought you needed space. How else was I supposed to interpret the way you avoided us, your false cheer, your silence whenever you spent time with us?”
He flinched. “I wasn't trying to avoid you-”
“But you did! You did, and I thought- I thought you were just keeping your mind off of things, not-” She cut off, frustrated tears spilling over. “Not confiding in strangers, over your own friends. So why?”
She watched him closely for any reaction, any answer, but all he did was look away from her. She swallowed down more frustrated words, ready to leave, when he slowly sank down at the base of the alley wall and patted the spot beside him.
She sat. He said nothing, for a short while.
Then, “An alley like this one is where I first met Emilia. Puck, too.” Beatrice tensed at his mention, but stayed quiet. “In hindsight, it was pretty funny. I was getting robbed, and Emilia had just lost her insignia, but she still stopped to help me.”
“That sounds like that foolish girl, I suppose,” she said, and he laughed.
“She's always been like that, hasn't she?” He shifted slightly in place, one hand nearly landing on her head before he placed it on the floor instead. “I love remembering that moment, but I've never been able to tell anyone about it, really. I guess it's nice that I can do that, now.”
Beatrice whirled to face him. “Why-?”
“This isn't the first time I've been forgotten,” he said, “but it is the worst.”
She froze. “That's- that doesn't make sense, in fact. How?”
She saw him take several deep breaths. “I've got an authority,” he said, she froze again. “I'm pretty sure you knew about it. One of them, anyway. I got one when I killed Sloth, and I'm pretty sure I got Greed's just recently.”
Beatrice shifted uneasily. “Sloth died after you said you'd met Emilia, I suppose,” she said, trying her best not to make it sound like an accusation. He nodded.
“My third authority,” he said, “is one I received when I came to this world.”
Beatrice waited for him to explain. He didn't. “I don't know what I can tell you about it,” he said instead. “I've never been able to talk about it, really. But if there's a future I want to prevent, it means some things have to be forgotten. That's just how it works.”
Her eyes widened. “And was this...?”
“No!” He shook his head. “No, it's not like that. Gluttony did take my name, it's just-” He sighed, slumping against the wall. “I've been through this before, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. And it sucks. I hate having to remember what you know about me, or what I've told this version of you. I hate having to remember someone who doesn't exist whenever I look at you, and it's not fair to you or Otto but-”
He struggled with his words, and she filled in the blanks. “It's easier when it's someone you've never met, I suppose.”
He huffed out a small laugh. “Yeah,” he said. “You've always been able to read me like that, you know?”
She was almost afraid to ask. “How did we meet?”
He grinned. “That one never changed, at least,” he said, “but I had a terrible first impression. If it's all the same, I think that one we can leave in the past-”
“Not fair, I suppose! You can't just erase something like that, in fact!”
“Oh? Well in that case, I walked into the Library respectfully and gave you an offering. Then, I asked kindly if you would share some of your knowledge, and you said 'I've never gotten along with a human so well-' Hey!” He chuckled as Beatrice buried a small fist in his side. “What's that for!?”
“Tell Betty the true version, in fact,” she demanded. “Things like proper respect are not something that suits her contractor.”
“I feel offended by that,” he said, “but I feel happy, that you've recognized that about me.” She stared at him fixedly, and he huffed out a small laugh.
“Fine,” he said, “but you can't get mad at me for the things I said and did.”
It was hours later when they finally arrived back at the inn. The bottom of her dress was damp and dirty, but she couldn't bring herself to care.
The gaps in her mind had been filled, mostly. It was easy to understand, now, how she had grown used to having company.
She hadn't realized how much she'd missed sharing a bed.
-*-*-*-*-
“And yer sure we weren't close before?”
Subaru sighed, but there was a smile on his face. “We only met, like, twice, Ricardo.”
He barked out a laugh. “That's a damn shame, I've enjoyed spending time witcha. You too, kid,” he said, turning to wink at Otto. “Let's go out drinkin' again, next time we meet.”
Otto chuckled awkwardly, visibly attempting to forget the night he'd been officially declared well enough to walk around again. “It was nice meeting you, Ricardo-san.”
He chuckled good-naturedly. “Always so formal,” he said, slapping him on the back a couple times. Subaru had to fight a smile at the sight of Otto nearly toppling over. “If we're ever nearby, we'll letcha know. Say goodbye, kids.”
Two of the three triplets at his side protested at being called kids, while the third launched herself at Subaru. “No!” she said. “They're not leaving!”
He winced, raising a hand. “Mimi-”
“Oh well,” she said, dropping down and scampering back to her siblings. “See you later, mini-boss!”
His hand dropped, and he laughed. “I still don't know where that nickname came from.”
“Them comparing nyou to Anyastasia is nyot to be taken lightly, you knyow.”
Subaru whirled around, spotting two figures making their way towards them. “Felix? Crusch? What are you both-”
“We'd be remiss to allow you all to leave without saying our goodbyes,” she said. “Our gratitude, as well.”
“Who knyew the Emilia camp had such a talented enginyeer?” Felix stepped out from behind Crusch's wheelchair, leaning into Subaru's personal space and winking. “It makes me wonder how much else nyou're hiding-”
Subaru slapped a hand over his heart. “Quit teasing me, Felix, you know my heart can't take it!”
Felix pouted theatrically, but a smile still managed to break through. “Fine, then. I suppose I'll have to thank you nyormally.”
Subaru shook his head. “There's nothing to thank me for,” he said. “We're allies, aren't we? Of course I'd do what I could to help.”
“Still, the effects of you absorbing more dragon blood are yet to be seen. You took upon a risk for my sake, as well as creating a device for my mobility; it is well beyond the duties of a simple ally.”
“Then how about as a friend?” he said, and she gave him a soft smile.
“I have met you three separate times now, Natsuki Subaru. I consider that a privilege.”
“Likewise,” he said, and he'd never expected how freeing it would feel to interact with people who understood that he'd already met them. In all his experience being forgotten, he'd never been able to speak about what they'd lost; it was a small change, but it meant more to him than he could put into words.
“If the blood gets worse,” he said, “promise me you'll-”
“We'll contact nyou immediately. In the meantime, I'll keep looking into what makes it dangerous in the first place, nya.”
Subaru smiled. “Sounds good.”
“May you have safe travels,” Crusch said, and they turned to roll back towards the town.
At last, the carriage pulled around, and soon Priestella began to melt away. It felt oddly final.