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The Safety Car is finally ending.
Arvid remains focused on the cars in front of him, specifically the Haas of Esteban who he has been trailing for a while now. Alex's crash had been unfortunate, but it had also allowed the field to bunch up, giving him the opportunity to fight the cars in front again. Arvid almost lost hope of scoring points, before remembering that in Baku, anything can happen. This is his chance to improve, despite the horrible pace the car had been showing during qualifying yesterday.
Quickly, the cars ahead of him begin to speed up going down the main straight, and Arvid follows. It's a complete mess front of him as everyone is trying to build up places. Suddenly, just a couple seconds in front, Franco locks up badly while going down the inside and makes contact with his Alpine teammate Pierre, the two sliding to the right and hitting Lando's McLaren in the process. Arvid grits his teeth, attempting to navigate the chaos, but there's barely any space with Esteban squeezing him on his left. Liam - his teammate, his best friend, and his soulmate - is on his right, and there is barely any room between them for his car to fit.
His chest fills with a heavy sense of dread. There is nothing he can do, as Liam tries to turn the corner and the front of Arvid's car makes contact with his left rear. Fuck, fuck, fuck—
Arvid doesn't even get time to think about Liam spinning into the run-off in front of him, because he has to turn the corner and avoid all the debris on track at the same time. But the sinking feeling is impossible to ignore. For a split second, he glances in his mirrors, hoping to see Liam right on his tail even though he knows that's wishful thinking. Of course, Liam isn't there.
There's a familiar ugly feeling brewing, brewing, bubbling up and ready to spill out and all over him. Guilt. He breathes heavily into his helmet, trying to regulate himself. Fuck, he needs to push it down. There are still about fifteen laps left, and he needs to maintain his track position now that he is competing for points.
A loud voice pounds in his head, But if it weren't for your stupid mistake, it could've been both of you competing.
Though it's difficult, he tries to shove the thoughts down and continue driving. The feeling still gnaws at his insides, and his stomach starts to ache, but he still goes on. He just needs to make it to the end, then he can let the guilt consume him like he deserves.
He looks in his mirrors again and mourns what should have been.
As soon as Arvid gets out of his car, he feels disjointed. He had fought hard the rest of the race and somehow secured a P7, just winning the drag race to the finish line between himself and Esteban. He should be happy, scoring points for the team against Alpine after both their drivers retired out of the race. But it just feels so wrong. Liam had qualified ahead of him and had stayed ahead for over half of the race, and his falling down the grid hadn't been a result of his own mistake. Arvid knows who is at fault. The voice in his head had been yelling the answer at him for the past hour.
He looks around but can't seem to find Liam. Did he run off as soon as he could so he didn't have to see Arvid celebrate the points that could have - no, should have - been his? Was he so angry at him, he couldn't bother to face him right now? Arvid feels his hands start to shake as he overthinks all the possible scenarios that could happen in the next few hours. Liam had to be mad at him. A couple months ago, in Spa, Arvid had almost crashed into Liam when they were fighting for the same place. He remembers being reprimanded over the radio, reminded to keep it clean, we don't want an incident on the track that catches both of you out.
It had eaten Arvid up inside after the race, as he had finished in the points and Liam hadn't been able to. However, when the two were at the airport together, waiting for their delayed commercial flight, Liam had assured him that he wasn't mad, not at all.
"I'm not mad, seriously. It's racing, and incidents are bound to happen," Liam had told him. But the part that really stuck with Arvid was this:
"Even if you did crash into me, I know you wouldn't mean it."
Because this time, Arvid had crashed into him. And yes, he hadn't meant it at all, he would never crash into Liam intentionally, but that didn't mean everything he did was okay. And although Liam didn't retire, it had still costed him potential points and his position on track. And even though Arvid would say he knows Liam well, as a person, as a friend, and as a boyfriend, this is Arvid's first time ever making such severe contact with Liam, and he doesn't know how he's going to react. Liam may say that he wouldn't get mad, but that doesn't guarantee that he won't. If Arvid were in Liam's shoes, he would be pissed at himself. At the end of the day, Arvid is just an immature, inexperienced rookie who could never meet the level of his teammate. Liam should hate him. Liam should scream and spit in his face. Even more, Liam should just break—
A marshal calls Arvid over to be weighed, snapping him out of his head - which is probably for the better because Arvid knows if he had finished that thought, he wouldn't be able to contain his tears.
He exhales harshly against the low gusts of Baku. He needs to apologise to Liam. It's not enough to make up for everything, but it's something.
The first time Arvid apologises after the race, they are both doing their post-race interviews. As soon as Arvid enters, his eyes find Liam automatically, like they're wired to his presence. For a moment, his brain stills and the guilt inside of him is amplified by a million.
It's the first time Arvid is seeing Liam's face since minutes before the race, when they were giggling together after the drivers' presentation over Liam getting the honour to present the marshal award. No trace of happiness can be seen on Liam's face now. His mouth is pulled downwards, though he isn't quite frowning, as he answers a question. Arvid needs to apologise, right here and right now. He can't stand the feeling inside of him, some horrible mix of nausea, anxiety and self-hatred. He has to do something to subside it.
As he approaches, he isn't entirely sure what Liam is talking about. But then he hears something about someone going for a gap into Turn 1, and he freezes. The same four words ring in his mind. He's talking about me, he's talking about me, he's talking about me. Suddenly, Arvid feels like he's going to throw up. He tries to interpret Liam's face as he talks, but Arvid's brain is cloudy and he can only read every one of Liam's microexpressions as bad, or angry, or disappointed, or upset, or...
Arvid regrets coming in this room. He debates turning around and going the whole opposite direction, thinking he can apologise later instead, but then Liam's PR manager makes eye contact with him.
Fuck, he's been spotted. He has to go up to Liam now.
He swallows and holds back his emotions as he goes up to Liam, who hasn't seen him yet.
Arvid wants to hug him, kiss him, press his nose into Liam's neck, but there are cameras pointed at him everywhere, and he also doesn't feel like he deserves to do any of those things even if they were alone. He resorts to placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezing gently.
Softly, he manages to say without bursting into tears, "I'm sorry, mate."
Liam turns to him, and he seems surprised that Arvid is even there. Arvid can't read his expression at all.
"I haven't seen it yet, bro. But..." Liam mumbles in response as they dap each other up, Arvid letting go to wrap his arm around Liam's waist and pull him in for a small hug. It's natural to him, all the touching and grabbing. He still can't tell whether Liam is mad at him and is just pretending not to be for the sake of PR, or if he really isn't that upset. All Arvid can say is "I'm sorry," again.
Liam only continues, his expression unchanging, "Did you go down the middle or...?"
"Mate, it was just..." Arvid has to pause, unsure how to explain himself without sounding completely stupid and suddenly breaking down.
He pulls Liam away from the microphone in front of him as he goes into detail about what occurred during the Safety Car restart. How the entire midfield was so bunched up by the time they were all along the start-finish straight. How Esteban was on his left and Liam was on his right and everything happened so fast. He has to contain himself from slinging insults at himself - here and now is not the right place, with a million strangers surrounding them, able to take his words and twist them to fit their own narrative.
He avoids Liam's gaze. His eyes feel like sharp pins all over Arvid's skin, piercing deep into him like Liam is trying to find the true intentions behind Arvid's words. He still can't place how Liam feels, he isn't reacting, or smiling, or frowning, or... anything, really. Arvid can't take this anymore. He can feel everything about to erupt, like he is being overfilled to his capacity and his walls are about to burst.
He wants to say more, but he can't say it here, and Liam doesn't deserve to hear his explanation anyway. Arvid knows that Liam knows it's his fault. It's written all over his face.
And Arvid deserves this. That doesn't mean it can't hurt so badly.
Overwhelmed, he wraps up with a final, "I'm sorry," before allowing Liam to go back to his interview.
Liam walks away, and Arvid already misses his presence. It only adds to the heaviness in his chest, the millions of emotions combining inside of him. It's all too much - he needs to leave this room, he needs to be alone. He feels the walls cave in all around him and he can't breathe. There's a lump in his throat growing bigger every second. He's going to throw up.
Arvid quickly excuses himself to the closest bathroom.
Arvid apologises two more times after this.
Once during his post race debrief, filmed to go up on VCARB's Instagram. And once on his usual post-weekend Instagram story.
Right now, he sits on his hotel bed in some more comfortable clothes, only feeling slightly better than he did before. He isn't doing himself any good though, as he wastes his time doomscrolling on the VCARB Instagram, looking at the comments under his reel and his 'points finish' post.
The words all mix together into one loud jumble of noise. Immature. Arrogant. Inexperienced. Not a team player. Not good enough.
It's so loud. He has been so overwhelmed all day, and his brain can't shut up no matter how hard he tries to quiet it down. The worst part is that this isn't even the thing that hurts him the most. Rather, knowing that Liam hates him right now, that Arvid's stupidity has ruined the relationship the two have together, not only as boyfriends but as close friends too, makes him die inside.
And he's so angry, at nobody but himself. He wishes he could do something, anything, to let out his rage onto himself, but he's also a coward who couldn't dare do anything drastic knowing that his manager is only a floor down from him. He resorts to throwing his phone on the floor ahead of his bed, the thud when it hits the carpet echoing through the room. He brings his knees to his chest, willing the thoughts to go away.
Eventually, he hears his phone's ringtone. Arvid frowns. He would rather not talk to anybody right now. But he still thinks he should reply to the person and let them know to call him back later, tomorrow maybe. Just to be nice. He waits patiently for the call to go into voicemail, before crawling off his bed and tiptoeing slowly to where his phone lay on the floor. He sits down carefully and picks up the phone, to several messages from the same contact.
lili 🥝
Arvid
Can we talk?
Please
Arvid drops his phone in panic. Fuck, oh, fuck, no, I-I— He can't talk to Liam. Not now. He's already expecting the worst, but a conversation means that it's actually real. He can't handle that right now.
The tears start to form, and this time, Arvid does nothing to stop them from falling. Big, fat tears stream down his face, and he feels so fucking stupid for crying, because he doesn't deserve to feel this bad for something that's completely his fault. A incident that was caused by his lack of skill, his inexperience, his ignorance. It's all him. He's the problem. He always has been. Today is the first time it has come back to bite him, for good.
lili 🥝
Arvid please
I know you've read this
Please don't ignore me
His phone, open on his and Liam's message history, sits a metre away from him as he backs into the nearest wall, leaning his back against it. He curls himself up into a ball again and sobs. He doesn't care how loud he is or how ugly he sounds - all he can hear is the rushing in his head, voices yelling and reminding him how horrible he truly is. All he can do is cry. He really is just a kid. He didn't deserve to make it this far with racing. He is such an awful teammate, friend, boyfriend to Liam. Liam deserves so much more than any part of Arvid.
The thoughts play on repeat in his head, an endless loop that keeps getting louder. He doesn't even hear the jingle of keys, the sound of the front door opening, or footsteps treading through the hotel room.
However, when Arvid's bedroom door opens, his head snaps up. He can't see much through his blurry vision, but he doesn't need to see properly to know who has come inside. There are only two other people who have a spare key to his room, and, well, he doesn't know why his manager would just barge into his room suddenly. And he could recognise that presence any day, anywhere, any time. So, that just leaves...
"Arvid," Liam breathes.
Instinctively, Arvid shuffles himself further away from the door where Liam stands, trying to hide his tear-stained face with his arms. Liam only follows, picking up Arvid's phone from the floor and slowly moving closer to Arvid. When Arvid reaches the corner of the room and no longer has anywhere to move, he leans his whole body against the wall on his side, still bunched in a ball. Liam carefully sits beside him.
For a long time, the only sound in the room is Arvid's crying and heavy breathing. The tears still aren't stopping any time soon. Liam is deathly silent, which only terrifies Arvid more.
At some point, Arvid croaks, "I-I'm sorry, fuck, I'm so sorry."
Liam turns to face him completely, "Arvid—"
"Wh-why are you here?" Arvid interrupts him, unable to contain his cries, "You shouldn't w-waste your time on me. You should be angry at me. I-It's all my fault, I ruin everything all the fucking time, and I'm the one wh-who messed up your race and got in the way and proved just how useless and pathetic I am," the words all jumble out of his mouth. His voice is strained from spending all this time crying.
He doesn't dare look at Liam, fearing what he might see. He expects Liam to realise that, yes, he should be angry at Arvid, and he should just start yelling at him and reinforce all the horrible things Arvid has read online, that he's starting to believe are all true.
But none of that happens. Instead, in a low voice, Liam just mumbles, "I'm not angry, baby."
Arvid flinches, before squeezing his eyes tightly shut, "Why? I-I ruin everything. Like in Spa. Except I couldn't avoid you this time," he shudders, lowering his head further, "I'm so fucking stupid. I don't even know why you're even here, listening to me talk shit. Just leave, L-Liam. Please."
He hears Liam swallow, before he whispers, "I'm not leaving, Arvi."
Why is Liam not getting it?
Arvid finally lifts his head and makes eye contact with Liam in a rush, spluttering with a watery voice, "Liam, y-you don't understand! You're supposed to hate me. You're supposed to be angry, and scream at me, and I'm supposed to just sit here and take it, because it's what I fucking deserve—" but he cuts himself off when he finally focuses on Liam's face.
Liam looks devastated. His hair is a mess, as if he didn't care to put any effort into making it look good and just needed to find Arvid as quickly as possible. His cheeks are flushed red and his mouth is pulled into a concerned frown. And the worst part: he's on the verge of tears, the wetness in his eyes obvious within Arvid's dark bedroom. Arvid's heart only breaks even more. He's the reason Liam looks like this - because Arvid just can't seem to keep his mouth shut. Arvid doesn't even get to completely form that thought within the constant noise in his mind, because Liam starts to speak.
"I know what you're thinking, Arvid," Liam murmurs gently, leaning in a small fraction closer, "Just— don't. I'm not upset, and even if I was, you would never be the reason. Please, I-I just want you to stop blaming yourself."
Liam holds out a hand, and Arvid hesitates. Does he... does he deserve this? Why is Liam being so nice? Why isn't he angry?
He takes Liam's hand anyway, which seems to relieve the older boy a little bit. Liam squeezes Arvid's fingertips, "It's alright, Arvid. I promise, I'm not mad at you. And I definitely don't hate you. Why... why do you think I should? Why do you think that's what you deserve?"
Arvid sniffles, a few teardrops still sliding messily down his cheeks, "Because it's my fault. We were up for a double points finish with both of the Alpines retiring. But of course, I ruined it all, with my stupid inexperience. I-If I was just a better driver..." he doesn't continue the sentiment, exhaling shakily.
Liam shakes his head firmly, "Arvid, I saw the replay. There's nothing you could've done, with me and Esteban on either side of you. You did what you could, and it was just unlucky that it ended up being your teammate that you took out. Sure, in the moment I was a bit confused as to why you suddenly hit me. But do you remember what I told you in the airport when we were in Belgium?"
Arvid almost laughs to himself. How could I even forget?
"Even if you did crash into me, I trust that you wouldn't do it on purpose. And I know that this time, it wasn't. It was just a racing incident, and those always happen," Liam smiles, terrifyingly sincerely, "The fact that we are able to fight each other on track like this is a good thing. Even if you did something stupid on track, that's on track. When we're off track," Liam pulls Arvid's hand to his lips and presses a long kiss to his knuckles, "it doesn't change a thing. I could never, ever hate you, Arvi. I love you so much."
Arvid frowns, but he uncurls himself from his ball of comfort and looks at Liam carefully, really looks at him, "Are you sure? I-If you're actually mad, you can yell at me."
Liam huffs, "I'm very sure. And I'm not gonna yell at you either," he chuckles at the silly thought, "You are such a talented driver, you know? Instead of focusing on all the negatives from the past weekends, think about all the incredible things you have managed to pull off. In your rookie season, by the way. I'm so proud of you."
Arvid can't stop himself from laughing softly, "Now you're just lying," he remarks.
"Not at all!" Liam acts offended, furrowing his eyebrows like he can't believe Arvid just said that, "You're doing so well, I'm telling you, mate. You're the only person who doesn't see it."
Arvid just sighs, shifting to lean his body into Liam's chest. Liam lets go of his hand to wrap his arms around his shoulders. In the process, he wipes some of Arvid's lasting tears from his face.
As they sit in each other's warmth, Arvid mumbles, "I'm still sorry, though. It should've been a double points finish. I kept looking in my mirrors the whole race, wishing you were there."
Liam presses a kiss into Arvid's curls, "It's alright, we still managed to get some points for the team. And we are definitely getting double points in Malaysia."
For once today, Arvid's mind is quiet. Liam keeps pressing kisses into his hair, and each kiss only settles his anxiety even more.
"It's been a rough day, huh?" Liam questions the younger, leaning down to kiss his jaw.
Arvid hums in agreement, pressing his forehead into Liam's neck.
"Have you eaten anything?"
Arvid pulls away slightly, "No... I couldn't. I-I just felt too nauseous," he chuckles bitterly, "I even threw up after I apologised to you during your interview."
"Oh, baby," Liam frowns, "I could tell you were beating yourself up just by looking at you. I wanted to kiss you all over in there."
"Oh. Really?" Arvid's eyes widen, "I thought you were definitely angry at me then, and you were just staying calm for PR's sake."
Liam giggles, "No, no, I wasn't angry at you. I think I was just unsure how to respond, because I hadn't seen the replay yet. So I must've seemed a bit... cold," he glances at the ceiling briefly, "I'm sorry for making you worry so much."
Arvid sits up suddenly and faces Liam with a pout, "Hey, you're not meant to be the one apologising here!"
Liam just laughs, before leaning in and capturing Arvid's lips in a kiss. Arvid makes a surprised noise but kisses him back, placing his hands on Liam's chest. It only lasts a couple seconds before Liam pulls away and keeps laughing.
"You taste salty," he comments, receiving a light hit on the arm from Arvid in response.
"Well, I just spent the last half an hour or something crying, so..."
Liam kisses Arvid again, "Mm, you look tired, too. I'm gonna order room service for you, so you can get something in your system. And then we can cuddle in here afterwards. Sound good?"
Arvid grins gratefully, "Yeah, I'm good with that."
Liam stands and pulls Arvid to his feet, interlocking their fingers as he leads the two of them out of Arvid's bedroom. He takes Arvid to the couch in the living room and sits him down, smiling at him sweetly and ruffling his curls.
Just before Liam turns around and heads to the hotel phone, Arvid taps his wrist, "I love you, too, by the way. I didn't wanna leave you unanswered."
Liam's eyes crinkle in adoration, "Aw, you're such a cutie. I love you," he coos as he leans down to caress Arvid's cheek, who flushes red at the contact. The moment lasts a couple seconds, and then Liam takes his hand away and goes to the hotel phone.
Arvid misses the sensation already, and only realises how much energy crying has taken out of him once Liam begins ordering food. He leans back against the soft material of the couch and closes his eyes, falling into a light doze. His heart has found a steady rhythm, and his hands are finally not shaking anymore. Even more than that, the warmth he always feels in his chest whenever he is with Liam is ignited again, overpowering every other doubt and anxiety that may still be living in Arvid. He can rest. Liam doesn't hate him. He didn't yell at him or ignore him or break up with him or anything. Liam loves him, even with all his flaws, mistakes and weaknesses.
And for once, Arvid can believe he is loved no matter what. Liam will always come home to him at the end of the day.
Arvid feels much better after finally eating some food.
The two lay on Arvid's hotel bed, limbs tangled together comfortably. Liam's arms wrap around Arvid's shoulders as the younger is pressed against Liam's bare chest, nose digging into his neck and hands finding his waist. Their legs are jumbled together to the point neither of them can tell whose legs are whose.
Arvid can't stop placing open-mouthed kisses all over Liam's neck and collarbone and chest, ignoring all the protesting from Liam.
"Arvi, you need to get some rest," Liam fusses, though he finds he shouldn't really be complaining about it.
Arvid lets out a sound, close to a whine, as he travels upwards until he finds Liam's lips, gently pressing against them with his own.
He pulls away briefly to say, "Please, just a little longer? I'm not that tired, and I've missed you too much."
Liam chuckles, "Your droopy eyes while you were eating beg to differ. I almost ended up needing to feed you."
To that, Arvid decides to bite down harshly on Liam's sticking out collarbone, making him yelp, "Ow, okay, okay, I'm sorry!"
Arvid giggles under his breath, satisfied, before sliding his tongue across where he had just bitten, soothing the area, "You better be," he mumbles. Off-handedly, he adds, "Sorry. That one might leave a mark," before going back to sucking on Liam's neck.
Liam just rolls his eyes, he's used to Arvid being aggressive sometimes, "Jeez, you only ate one meal and suddenly, you've done a complete 180 from an hour ago," he laughs, taking the opportunity to brush the top of Arvid's head with pecks while he can.
"Spending the evening sobbing drained me. I needed energy," Arvid defends himself, kissing Liam's jaw softly.
Liam huffs, and then adjusts his arm so he can tilt Arvid's chin up, smashing their lips together. Arvid responds with as much enthusiasm, savouring as much of Liam as he can on his tongue. He digs his fingertips into Liam's torso, while Liam's free hand reaches behind and under Arvid's shirt, grazing his back and trying to push him closer, closer - if that's even possible. At some point, Liam's knee naturally finds its way between Arvid's legs. He's about to pull Arvid's shirt upwards and off, when Arvid suddenly breaks away to yawn widely.
Liam watches him, surprise quickly turning into fondness. Arvid takes his hands off Liam's waist to rub his eyes, before smiling sheepishly at the older.
"I think you were right, Lili," Arvid murmurs in a sleepy voice, "I do need some rest."
Liam shakes his head with a chuckle, "I told you. I know you too well."
Arvid whines again, "Man, fuck my stupid emotions making me so tired. I just wanna have sex."
Liam can't hold back his laugh, "It's not like we don't have any other time, you know. Come on, we can cuddle."
"Fine..." Arvid exhales deeply, shifting himself to snuggle closer to Liam's chest.
Liam presses one more long kiss on the top of Arvid's head before wrapping his arms around his neck, playing with the hair on his nape. It doesn't take long for Arvid's breaths to slow into an even tempo, the boy falling into a deep sleep. Liam kisses both of his eyelids, wishing away the red puffiness from his earlier crying.
He couldn't imagine ever getting seriously angry at Arvid, even if they were to crash each other out. There's a sense of trust there, Liam believing that Arvid would never try to affect his race on purpose. Judging by how Arvid reacted today, he can be confident with where he places his trust.
Even after everything - the chaos, the complications and the hiccups - there is nothing that could get in the way of how much Liam loves Arvid. That's a sentiment Liam can always confidently place his trust in. And he hopes Arvid can trust him that much, too.
He dips his nose into Arvid's hair and slowly begins to drift to sleep.