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I'm not sure if I'm more angry or disappointed with myself.
Last time, it was definitely more angry. I know I yelled a lot and I know I broke some things. Or was that the time before? I'm not sure. I'm not sure what this is this time. Maybe it's a mixture of it. That bitter regret of a broken promise. It's an awful, hot, burning feeling inside my chest that's making me feel like I'm being rung through a strainer.
The shadows on the walls are grinning at me and the monsters in the dark corners are hiding with their knives. I can see them there, I can see them in the mirror behind me. I fucking hate the mirror. The way it stares back at me with that accusatory look. It's disappointed in me.
It doesn't matter though. What's a broken promise when it's only one I made to myself? It's not like anyone else is going to be bothered by it, or even know. It's just me. I'm the only one who can be disappointed or angry at myself over this. I know I said I wouldn't do it anymore. But the shadows they wouldn't stop grinning and the monsters, they wouldn't leave me alone. Their blades biting deep and hurting. Hurting. Why won't the damn monsters leave me alone? I hate them. I hate them. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!
It was only supposed to be one. It was only going to be one. Just one. Just one sip. One sip! Just something to get me out the door. Just something to fight off the monsters with. Just a small shield to protect me from the awful smiles and sharp things.
I don't even know where it came from. I don't remember buying it. But I knew it was there. Maybe Sora missed it when when he went through the cupboards last time. I yelled at him then. I yelled and yelled and yelled as he poured the liquid gold down the drain. I was so fucking mad at him! It wasn't any of his business anyway! What did he care that I lied to myself again?
I said some awful things to him then. And to the ones holding onto me. Trapping me in place as Sora went through my things again. They weren't the monsters, but I treated them like they were. Hayner held my arms so tight I had bruises for a week. That was the first time I'd seen him cry. I think. I was so angry.
I'm not sure if I'm more angry or disappointed with myself this time.
It was only supposed to be one. I don't even know where it came from. But the monsters were talking to me today, whispering their awful truths and I didn't want to hear them. I just wanted them to go away. Just one. It was only supposed to be one. The first sip quieted them down. The second sip felt so good, like I couldn't feel the bite of their blades anymore. The third sip was wonderful. It was like the shadows had stopped smiling at me.
Then the glass was empty. It was empty, empty, empty and the mirror was staring at me in disappointment and the shadows were laughing. Laughing. I couldn't stand it! I couldn't stand them laughing at me! I yelled to quiet their laughter and I threw the glass and yelled again, so I wouldn't have to hear my promise to myself smashing into pieces against the wall.
Olette asked me if I was feeling okay today.
I told her I was fine. And I was fine. I was fine. I am fine. Fine. I'm fine. Not like it actually mattered. Olette asks everyone if they're okay. I'm sure of it. I wonder what she would've done if I said I wasn't. But it doesn't matter now and it didn't matter then. I said I was fine and she smiled at me and I smiled back.
It was only supposed to be one. Just one. One wouldn't hurt right? But then one became two, became three, became the empty glass. But it was still only one. But it was still one.
Pence came into visit us at work today and he asked me if I was okay too. I told him I was fine. I was fine! And again, it really didn't matter. Pence is like Olette, they always ask people if they're okay. For some reason though, she was listening too when he asked me. She already knew I was fine, so what the hell was that about?
It was only supposed to be one! Just one! Just something to take the edge off. To make the shadows hide their smiles and the Monsters put away their knives. But they wouldn't put the knives away. I felt them stabbing me as Pence and Olette talked in the corner.
It was only supposed to be one sip. I don't remember buying it, but I knew I had it and I wanted it. I wanted it. I wanted it so bad. I figured just one would be okay. But then one broke my promise all over the wall.
I'm still not sure if I'm more angry or disappointed in myself.
And why should I be either? One glass won't hurt me. People have one glass all the time! More than one even! So why should I be angry? Or upset? It doesn't matter. Everyone else can do it, so why shouldn't I? Why the fuck should I be the one who can't?
Besides, it makes it hard for them. They don't have any either when we go out. It's not fair that they have to fight my monsters for me. I cried the first time I saw Vanitas drinking iced tea and water with the rest of us. He didn't say anything that day. Or any other day. He just leaned against a sink and gave me one of Aqua's handkerchiefs when I stepped out of the stall.
The monsters won't stop laughing at me. Laughing. Laughing. Laughing. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it! I hate their knives and the twisted grins hiding in the dark corners.
Lea came into work today too. Said he was doing a gig at a club tonight and asked if we'd come. DJ Axel is his name when he's playing and he spins some fucking awesome music. Of course I wanted to go! Olette and I talked about it the whole day! She was excited and so was I! She texted Kairi to ask if she could borrow that cute top she liked. She had her whole outfit planned and I couldn't wait to see it. I couldn't wait to see everyone. It was gonna be great!
I wanted to go so bad. I wanted to go. I meant to go. I should've gone. I still want to.
It was only supposed to be one. Just a quick sip to get me out the door. To get me there and into the crowd. Lea plays great music, so the places he goes are always full, so full. So many people. So many monsters. I just wanted to make sure I enjoyed myself. I didn't want anyone else asking me if I was okay today. Cause I was fine. I was fine. I was fine.
There must've been something weird going on today that I didn't know about. Ventus came by at the end of my shift and told me how excited he was to hang out tonight. He asked if I was excited too. He asked to walk me home. He wanted to walk me home. He wanted to get ready with me. He wanted to go with me.
I wanted to go so bad. I wanted to. I wanted to! I should've said yes. I should've said yes. But I didn't. I said I was fine. I said I was fine. Fine. Fine.
It was only supposed to be one. But it became two, became three, became an empty glass. Became an empty bottle. An empty bottle filled with lies and broken promises to myself and the mirror is looking at me with that disappointed hatred again. I want it to stop looking at me! I want it to stop hating me! I can see them. I can see the things in the dark creeping up behind me in the mirror.
I wanted to go. I really did. I still do. I do.
But if I go now, I'll be so late. So late. They'll be mad. They'll whisper with their knives and say the things they say anyway, I'm sure of it. So many Monsters. I've let them all down again. I said I was going to go and I haven't gone. Again. How many times have I not gone? I should've told them I wasn't going. I hope they didn't wait. They didn't wait. Why would they? Why should they? Monsters. Monsters! I hope they waited! I hope they waited and were late! The monsters with their knives! What business is it of theirs anyway? They don't have to wait! They don't have deny themselves! That's their fault. Their fault! Not mine!
They shouldn't whisper with their knives.
But I really wanted to go this time. I couldn't answer my phone with the empty bottle in my hand. It kept chiming. Chiming and chiming, but I couldn't answer it. The bottle was empty and so heavy with its lies and broken promises. Broken promises to myself.
I'm not sure if I'm more angry or disappointed in myself.
I don't even know where it came from. The bottle was empty and then it wasn't. There was a second bottle and one became two, became three, became the floor. I like it here. The floor is always there. It's always there for me to rest on when I can't stand anymore. When I can't feel through the bitter numbness anymore. The wall too. The wall is solid at my back and keeps the monsters from sneaking up on me.
My phone is ringing somewhere. I don't even know where I put it. Where it lay with the heavy, empty bottle. Maybe it's by the promise broken on the floor.
That one bottle was so heavy when it was empty. How can an empty bottle be heavier than when it was full? Because I put something new in it. Something heavier than the weight of liquid fire. I filled it up with another broken promise to myself. But it's okay. It's just to myself. No one else hurts with this one. No one else gets stabbed or bleeds when its only a promise to myself.
I said I wouldn't do it anymore. It was only supposed to be one. It's only ever supposed to be one.
But one became two, became three and this bottle in my hand is getting heavier with every sip I take. It burns. It burns. It burns! I feel numb all over, but it burns so much and the mirror is glaring at me with such hate. The dark corners are grinning and laughing at me and the monsters are coming with their knives. One more and they'll go away. Just one more sip and the burn will stop. Just one more and I'll be numb enough that I won't feel it anymore.
Why won't my phone stop ringing? It's noise. Noise. Noise! I can't stand the noise! I want to find it and smash it! Smash it with the empty glass! With the empty bottle! Stop calling me. Stop calling me. I'm fine. I'm fine! Don't ask if I'm okay. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't make me be a Monster who lies. Don't make me cut you with the broken promise to myself.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's fire on my tongue. It's burning down my throat. It's squeezing me from the inside out and I want to be sick. I want to get it all up. I want to go. I want to see everyone. I'm sorry I'm late. So late. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Now somethings banging and my phone won't stop ringing and I'm yelling. I'm yelling for it to stop! For the Monsters to go away! To take their knives and go! Go! Go have fun without me! Go say the things I know you say! Go be disappointed and angry with me so that I don't have to be! Go! Go! Go!
It was only supposed to be one.
The monsters in the shadows are screaming and the mirror is crying and the bottle is rolling across the floor. Rolling. Rolling. Away. The door is opening and I can't look. I can't look at him. Why can't I look at him? It's only a promise to myself lying broken on the floor. It's only to myself.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Sora's hands are warm on my face. I'm sorry. He smells like cinnamon. I'm so sorry. He's clutching me so very tight. I'm sorry I called you a Monster. His tears are both hot and cold on my neck. Why is Sora crying? It was only a promise to myself. No one else gets hurt when you break a promise to yourself right? Right? Right!?
I'm sorry. I let us down again. Please don't hate me. Don't let the monsters get close. There are so many monsters and I couldn't fight them off today. I couldn't fight them today. I couldn't fight them.
Olette's sweeping up the broken glass. Pence is putting it in the garbage. Vanitas is pouring the rest of the hatred down the drain. Ven is turning on all the lights and banishing the darkness and the wicked hidden smiles.
Sora is pressed so hard against me. I can feel his heart beating against my own. He's warm, so warm. And he's just letting the mirror sob in his arms. Not the mirror. It's never been the mirror. It's always been me. I'm so angry and disappointed with myself.
I can feel through the numbness.
I can feel Sora's heart. Olette's hand on my leg. Pence's knee against my hip. Ventus holds my hand tight. So tight. Leaning against my side. Why are they on the floor with me? Why are they even here? I wanted to go. I'm sorry I didn't make it.
Vanitas found my phone. He's leaning against the wall and holding it in his hand. I can hear Hayner's voice. He says they're on the way. That they're coming.
Sora's holding me close. So close.
I can feel through the numbness of the hated fire in my veins. I feel his kiss on my cheek and the whispered promise with it.
“It's gonna be okay.”
Not that it is. But that it will be. It will be. It'll be okay. I'll be okay.