Chapter Text
The house they chose was quaint; a safe little starter home in a safe little neighborhood full of safe little families who all looked to be some similar variation of the life she had built around herself over the past decade; a cookie-cutter existence for her boring, bland, vanilla life. The moving van is pulled all the way up to the garage, Jeff periodically pulling boxes from the back of the vehicle and waving listlessly to the neighbors as Theo sneaks past them both, shoving his earbuds until his ears and ducking his head low above his shoulders.
“I’m going to unpack some of the basement boxes,” Jeff smiles over at her, his face slightly flushed from the summer heat and the exertion of moving their belongings into their new home, his head bending down to place a chaste kiss on her cheek, “I love you.”
“Yeah,” Shauna smiles back politely, forcing her lips into a cheerful expression, “Love you too.”
“I’ll be in my room,” Theo grumbles, pushing into the house as Callie rushes back outside, her pink tutu flying up around her waist as she rushes over to Shauna excitedly, slamming her little arms around her legs upon impact.
“Mommy!” Callie smiles widely at her, brown eyes big and beautiful when she tilts her head and bounces forward on the tips of her toes, “Can we pleaseeee set up my pool in the front?”
Callie’s new mini pool had been the bane of her existence throughout the entire summer: the flimsy pink plastic lawn toy that turned the water inside a disgusting shade of muddy brown the more Callie tracked dirt into it, her hair always having some stick or branch variant stuck into her ratty curls, the edges flopping listlessly from how much Callie stepped carelessly on the sides. She hates the goddamn thing- and as much as she wants to make Callie excited for this new move away from her preschool friends and Jeff’s parents- she isn’t sure she’s willing to trade her sanity for it.
“It’s awfully hot, baby,” Shauna counters hesitantly, tilting her head in faux thought.
“That’s why it’ll be so fun!” Callie grins back, her excitement so palpable Shauna can practically feel it buzzing through her overheated skin, “Please, Mommy? Pleaseee?”
Shauna sighs, unable to stop herself from smiling softly. Callie had been the only thing about her life she was remotely proud of lately: a blessing of a daughter that had somehow inherited her endless curiosity and whimsical intrigue of the world rather than Theo’s current almost-teenage phase of being moody and unapproachable or Jeff’s uninteresting demeanor that was amenable for the sake of it. Her Callie was the closest thing to herself she had now; the closest thing to her past self she could remember with fondness rather than fright.
“Okay,” Shauna relents finally, as she always knew she was going to from the beginning, “Go get your bathing suit on, and I’ll get the pool set up.”
“Okay!” Callie rushes off, practically tugging her shirt off by the time she is stomping through the house, her hurrying footsteps echoing through the carcass of their not-moved-in house. Shauna starts shuffling through the garage, looking for the boxes labelled with Callie’s belongings, her eyebrows furrowing as she finds the ones marked BEDROOM, BATHROOM, BASEMENT- but none marked with Callie’s name. She abandons the search in the garage, walking out into the back yard to look in the seasonal shed that Jeff had insisted would be additional storage for them as they accumulated additional decorations and yard tidings. It’s a plain, white and black-rimmed shed with nothing particularly interesting about it other than the fact it is tucked up against the backyard fence of their neighbor; the one that she had glanced over at during their showing and saw the extravagant infinity pool and backyard lined with perfectly planted rose bushes that sprouted totally upright.
As she’s walking, she realizes that there is someone actually lying outside atop the pool chairs today: their long, slim golden legs peeking out from their white bikini bottoms, a tiny loop of gold sitting on their hip that dazzles in the sun when they shift to turn over, wiggling their hips until their face is peering up blindly at the sun and Shauna’s entire stomach sinks out of her body.
It’s Jackie fucking Taylor.
“Fuck,” Shauna gasps, jumping into the doorway of the shed to hide herself from Jackie’s casual glancing, her heart ramming against the inside of her ribcage nervously, “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” She feels herself panicking, memories of their shared teenagehood rushing back across her eyes in endless waves of despair- after all, they had only been a handful of years older than Theo when it all happened: a deep betrayal and a breaking of bonds that had surely been more serious in the moment than it truly was in nature. Although, she can’t quite seem to convince herself of that while crawling behind the shed door, clearly cowering.
“Mommy?” Callie calls out from the back porch, her voice getting louder and louder as it echoes through the yard, “Mommy? Where are you?”
“Shit,” Shauna mutters again, pushing open the door until she can stick her head out and call back, “I’m out here, Cal. By the little house.” It’s what Callie had called the shed when she first saw it, her daughter’s brown eyes floating magically to where she is before she runs over: floral green one-piece swimsuit hanging off half her shoulder- her head stretching the right arm hole wide enough that Shauna can see the material ripping slightly at the edges.
“Mommy!” Callie grins, rushing over to where Shauna is hidden behind the shed. She steps bravely out of her pathetic hiding spot to help Callie re-dress herself when the hairs on the back of her neck straighten up and she senses it: a pair of eyes watching her closely. Her gaze shifts up just enough to see Jackie sitting straight in her chair, watching them from over her fence with a look of shock that rivals the feeling swirling in Shauna’s own stomach. She tries to remain indifferent: hoping that if she turns and walks Callie back up to the house, that Jackie might not have the courage to call back out to her. Unfortunately for her, she waits a millisecond too long.
“Shauna?”
Everything in her runs cold, a chill at hearing the voice that still lingers in her dreams as a ghostly presence haunting her every night, Shauna’s body suddenly so stiff and alert that she can feel the way her heart beats have become labored and painful in her chest. She’s scared she’s lost the ability to breathe, her chest burning at the way her name falls so effortlessly from the plush pink lips that curl around the syllables in a way that has always felt like a curse and a blessing all in one.
“Shauna, is that you?”
Shauna looks up slowly, finally willing herself to face the nightmare she has spent a decade running from. Jackie looks the same as Shauna remembers- maybe even better- her golden honey-blonde hair curled perfectly around the heart-shaped curve of her face, big beautiful hazel eyes blinking behind thick black lashes that Shauna always envied her for.
“Jackie,” the name falls from Shauna’s lips like an oath, their jaws slack as they look back and forth at each other silently, hesitantly. It’s been years since they’ve been this close to one another…let alone have made any attempt at reaching out when the weight of their history casts them further apart than they could ever overcome on their own; the sudden closeness almost dizzying.
“I…” Jackie stutters, swallowing thickly as her mouth drops open once more, “I had no idea…”
“Mommy, who are you talking to?” Callie, her sweet beautiful, perfectly-timed Callie, interrupts. Shauna tears her gaze away from Jackie, looking down at her daughter’s furrowed expression carved with curiosity as she stares back to the fence line.
“Oh,” Shauna’s eyes snap back to Callie’s face, the girl clearly waiting for an answer as she raises onto her tiptoes, trying hopelessly to get a glance of who is hidden behind, “It’s…um, it’s our new neighbor, Cal.”
“Oh!” Callie grins excitedly, “Can I meet her too?”
They look back at each other, Shauna’s heart pounding as Jackie’s eyes slowly follow the voice of her daughter murmuring impatiently beside her, little fingers reaching up to try and pull herself up the side of the fence by her own sheer willpower. Shauna moves slowly, as if her body is floating away, lifting her onto her hip as Callie’s eyes widen, a smile erupting over her face as she lifts her hand and gives Jackie a little flick of her wrist.
“Hi, Miss Neighbor!” Callie waves her hand through the air, tilting her head as Jackie laughs delightedly; a beautiful, melodic sounding thing as she walks over to them, Shauna’s heart pounding against her chest until they are so close that all Shauna has to do is reach across the distance between them and she’s there. Her eyes burn, seeing the familiar face from her younger years so close and so real- her chest curdling in on itself despite Jackie’s attention staying pointedly on Callie.
“Hello, pretty girl,” Jackie smiles, showcasing an ease that Shauna has never forgotten, “My name is Jackie. What’s yours?”
“I’m Callie!” Callie answers happily, turning to point her finger in Shauna’s shoulder, “And my mommy’s name is Shauna and my daddy’s name is Jeff and my brother’s name is Theo and all of our last names match because we're all Sadecki!” Shauna doesn’t have time to redirect Callie’s attention before she finishes the mini speech Shauna taught her in case she ever got lost; Jackie’s eyes flashing with a succinct flash of hurt that makes Shauna’s stomach churn before the woman blinks it away, giving Callie another soft smile that doesn’t hold any of the maliciousnsss she thought it would after the revelation.
“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Callie Sadecki.” Jackie holds her hand out across the fence, Shauna’s breath hitching when Callie reaches back enthusiastically and shakes the blonde’s hand confidently, clearly proud of herself for making her own introduction, “Your family sounds absolutely lovely.”
“Do you have a mommy and daddy, too, Miss Jackie?” Callie asks, the question so earnestly genuine that even Shauna cracks a small smile at her daughter’s curiosity.
“I do,” Jackie chuckles easily, leaning her face closer to whisper playfully back at Callie, “But I actually live here with my husband.”
Shauna doesn’t expect the gut punch that comes: her breath stuck in her throat helplessly as her lungs burn with an ache that she has only ever felt one other time in her life; the words carving themselves out in her head with incessant ruthlessness that leaves her mind throbbing. My husband. My husband. She swallows, unable to look away from Jackie’s casual, unbothered expression; suddenly seeing all the faint differences she hadn’t noticed before. Time has freckled her cheeks more than they ever were in high school, small wrinkle lines pinching the edges of her eyes from all the smiles she has given over the years- none of them directed at Shauna or because of her. The thought weighs heavy in her stomach, the only think keeping her from feeling as if she is drowning being Callie’s nodding head bouncing in her arms.
“Ohhh,” Callie nods her head seriously, brown eyes widening as she tilts her head in vague thought, “Is he pretty like you?” Jackie laughs again easily, though Shauna can’t tell this time if it’s sincere or not when she turns back to the blonde talking to Callie with a tone that Shauna has never heard someone use with her daughter before. It’s a kind cantattion, though not dumbed down like other adults often speak to Callie with, her voice calm and even as she addresses the girl with all the surety of a whole person.
“I’d like to think so,” Jackie shrugs teasingly, and Callie smiles, nuzzling into Shauna’s neck as she tries to hide the obvious glee she has at Jackie talking to her like they know something secretive between the two of them, like Callie is finally a part of the joke rather than kept away from it.
“Mommy, can we still fill up my pool?” Callie asks her softly, clearly ready to go back to what they both had come out to the backyard for in the first place but too polite to dismiss Jackie’s kindness completely. Shauna feels her heart tug for the young girl, her pouty lips curling downwards in perfectly pouted pleading.
“Yeah, Cal,” Shauna begins gently, brushing the hair out of her daughter’s face tenderly, “Just give me a min..-” before Jackie interrupts, the blonde bridging the gap and curling her fingers over the fence desperately.
“Why don’t you come over and use ours?” Jackie offers in a rush of words, Shauna’s anxiety spiking when she looks over and sees the sharp green of Jackie’s hazel eyes suddenly burning brightly around her iris’. Shauna knows that look with shocking sureness: the same determined, unrelenting stubbornness from their youth now staring back at her with a newfound reason to not let Shauna go without making it difficult enough to escape that it doesn’t seem worth the hassle.
“Mommy!” Callie grins over at the glistening pool falling off the edge of the carefully constructed edge, already taking the carefully laid bait for the both of them, “Can we? Please? Mommy, please?”
“Callie,” Shauna tries to quell her gently, shaking her head slowly as she swallows the want to say ‘yes’ down, “We don’t want to be rude and bother Miss Jackie on her day off. She might want to do things other than swimming.”
Like ruminate over the fact that after ten years of purposeful avoidance, they are now cosmically fucked by being next door neighbors.
Callie’s face crumbles for only a moment, her face contorting into a look of pure disappointment before Jackie doubles-down.
“It’s fine, actually,” Jackie drawls easily, forcing a smile over at Shauna as they tip-toe around her clear desire to avoid the situation altogether, “James won’t be home until later, so I don’t need to start dinner until five-ish.”
Shauna knows when she’s been trapped.
“Oh,” Shauna swallows thickly, Callie practically vibrating in her arms, she is so anticipatory of her impending answer, “Well in that case…” she looks down briefly before resolving herself to the fate that is clearly strung out for her, “Go ahead and go get your beach towel and goggles. Do you know where they are?”
“Yes, Mommy!” Callie kicks her little feet, wiggling out of her arms to rush back towards the house, slamming open the door in her haste and no doubt barreling through the already hazardous home. Thankfully, her excitement limits the alone time Shauna is left with Jackie, the small girl already flying back out the patio opening before Jackie has a chance to say whatever is hanging on the top of her tongue.
They go over together, something that pathetically makes Shauna feel better, knowing that Callie is also an accomplice to this feeling driving them forward, her eyes glancing up and around at the impressive chic decor of the home. It’s a modern build, the interior dripping in marble accents and floor-to-ceiling windows that open up so widely that Shauna can see all the way through the entirety of the house.
Callie wastes no time with inspecting the home, or even asking Shauna permission, before dropping her towel and jumping into the pool with all the vigor that the child can muster, a shriek of delight whistling through her teeth before the water engulfs her. Jackie laughs amusingly at the small girl, utterly unbothered as she leads Shauna wordlessly over to the set of pool chairs near the shallow end, gesturing listlessly to the towel she was lying on before as she goes to retrieve another one from the miniature gazebo that Shauna hadn’t realized was attached to the other side of the patio until now. She stubbornly refuses to sit on the offered placement, despite Jackie’s questioning look; unwilling to use the material that had already been laid under Jackie’s glistening, oiled body, the blonde tilting her head slowly before tossing her the blue, striped rolled up towel into her chest.
Shauna lays out the towel, keeping a careful distance between the two chairs as Jackie watches her with careful consideration. It’s tense-despite Callie’s oblivious glee as she repeatedly calls for both her attention and Jackie’s- the blonde giving sweet, tender-hearted smiles over at the young girl as she splashes the pool water all the way up to the edge of their chairs.
“Husband, hm?” Shauna finds herself saying suddenly, Jackie’s eyes rising to meet hers over the top of her sunglasses, Shauna’s cheeks blushing furiously when Jackie looks back over at her with a steel gaze that feels dangerous when directed at her fully, “When did that happen?”
“College,” Jackie answers briskly, her eyes darting to Shauna’s ring in quiet challenge, her head tilting idly, “You?”
“Right after you left,” Shauna answers truthfully, Jackie’s eyes widening slightly as she tries to swallow down the shock, “Theo was born that winter.” Shauna blushes embarrassedly when Jackie narrows her eyes in vague understanding. It had been the breaking point for both of them their senior year: the unforgivable betrayal of Shauna’s carelessness punctuated with something precious she couldn’t find in herself to give up despite having a million reasons to. Theo’s birth was the first time she had ever felt something for herself instead of for the world, the first time she had known the decision she was making was hers and no one else’s.
And look where it got her. Miserable and moving to the suburbs because they couldn’t afford being in the city any longer.
“And Callie?” Jackie’s voice is stoic, her eyes floating back over to the splashing girl floating on her back, singing idly to herself without a care.
“She came a few years later,” Shauna admits fondly, letting herself glance over at the smiling, blissfully unaware daughter she had hoped would come earlier than she did. Maybe then, it would have made it feel worth it: everything she gave up and left behind, searching for the purpose she only felt once before holding Callie in her arms.
“Hm,” Jackie nods contemplatively, her lip curling up in the vague way she used to do when she was disappointed in something but didn’t want to say it directly, “I see you didn’t waste any time.”
The words sting more than expected, Shauna’s skin prickling with defiance as she scowls back over at the blonde with detestment. Jackie always knew how to push her buttons; and it seems that skill has only sharpened with age and resentment.
“Was I supposed to wait for your permission?” She counters back sharply, hoping that the retort hurts as much as Jackie’s did; something rancid and feral building up within her that urges her to bear her teeth and fangs in ruthless defensiveness. Jackie tilts her head, a warning and a challenge all in one, Shauna’s eyes unwavering when they glare across the space between them.
“No,” Jackie muses, her voice dripping in passive aggressiveness, “It’s not like that stopped you from sleeping with Jeff in the first place.”
“Okay,” Shauna scoffs, gathering her things quickly as her vision blurs into a red hue of pure anger, a heat in her body erupting with vigor that she can’t seem to think past as her mind tumbles over itself, “If you’re just going to…”
“Wait,” Jackie suddenly grabs roughly onto her wrist, swallowing thickly when Shauna’s eyes follow the touch up her arm and towards her wide-eyed expression,”I…I don’t know why I said that.” Jackie sighs exhaustedly, chuckling humorlessly to herself as she forces her fingers to unclench around her, “I mean, he wasn’t even the reason I was…”
She stops, Shauna’s heart pounding when Jackie pushes the words around in her mouth, clearly warring with herself about what to reveal until she settles on, “Please. Just sit.”
Shauna does, some small part of her falling back into the ease of letting Jackie guide them both through the world, her eyes lowering as Jackie looks back at her helplessly. She realizes that there are still pieces of the young teen hidden in the woman in brief, vulnerable moments: a flash of embarrassment that Shauna remembers from their childhood, a nibble on a lip that reminds her of their shared secrets, a a tilt of the head that always seemed to be attuned to Shauna specifically.
“You don't have any kids?” Shauna asks, needing to fill the space between them with something else- something less risky than whatever feeling coils itself around them dangerously. Jackie swallows, shaking her head lightly as her eyes glance down and away. There it is: another flash of the teen she once knew in the simple way Jackie can’t look directly at someone when lying.
“No,” she says simply, tilting her chin and biting down on her jaw, “I…” Shauna sees her eyes flicker through a miasma of emotions, a flash of pure sadness cutting through Shauna’s core when she looks back sharply at her.
“It’s not what we wanted.”
“Oh,” Shauna says, feeling the tension curling around the words warningly, “Okay.” The silence falls between them, heavy and dense as Callie giggles and squeals unbothered, her little legs kicking up waves from the otherwise still pool surface.
“You’re different, you know,” Jackie says after a moment, her eyes glued purposefully to Callie’s wiggling body as her hazel orbs soften into something reverent, something that is more tender than Shauna has ever seen anyone look at Callie before.
“What do you mean?”
“You’re just…” Jackie tilts her head, finally tearing her gaze away from Callie to look over at her, eyes trailing purposefully over the older expanse of her face carefully, “Different than I thought you would be after all these years.”
“What did you think I’d be like?” Shauna asks softly. Jackie’s eyes lower down to her plain clothes, over to Callie swimming happily in the pool, to the way that there seems to be a…a loss with each moment Jackie and Shauna are unable to look each other in the eye for longer than a handful of seconds.
“I thought you’d be a writer.”
It hits Shauna in her core, something aching and grieving that she hadn’t expected would be Jackie’s answer. She hoped that Jackie might give her a hope that the life she once thought she’d be living wasn’t just a dream in her own head, that if Jackie Taylor saw something possible in her, then it had to have meant something; but to have the woman confirm just how far away that dream became….it hurts beyond what she prepped for.
“You did?” Shauna asks, unable to stop the words from tumbling out.
“Yeah,” Jackie shrugs, as if it should be obvious, “I kept waiting for an article I was reading to suddenly be yours.” She lets out a sardonic chuckle, shaking her head lowly with the thought, “I thought I would never be able to get away from you even after running away to Rutgers.”
Shauna feels her chin wobble pathetically, Jackie’s eyes looking back over at her with a softness that feels unraveling after the harsh truths they’ve exchanged.
“Did you end up going to..?”
“No,” she swallows thickly, the shame suffocating her as she turns her face away, unable to look at Jackie’s face when she admits, “I…we…someone had to take care of Theo when he was born and Jeff was running the business.”
“So… no Brown?” Jackie says, not mincing her words. Shauna shakes her head, still unwilling to look over at the look of pity that Shauna knows is written all over the expanse of her face.
“What about journaling?” Jackie offers, Shauna’s ire growing into a rolling inferno lapping over the edge of her bandwidth.
“What’s there to write about?” she scoffs dejectedly, her face contorting into something bitter and vile despite the truth dripping from its essence, “All I do is this. Who cares about a stay-at-home wife and her world?”
“I would,” Jackie says immediately, her voice sure and steady, “If I was the one who was married to her.”
“Don't you mean if you were married to a stay-at-home husband?”
“No,” Jackie says lowly, “I don’t mean that at all.”
She looks back at Shauna with all the same devotion she remembers being there when they were younger girls lying beneath low lit bedrooms during slumber party nights ending with Jackie’s lips pressed against hers. Shauna’s stomach drops, that familiar aching feeling from their childhood wrapping itself around her once more, a desire reawakening after years being dormant. Jackie seems to sense it too, her eyes flickering over to Callie before she tilts her head, a small smile curling up on her lips.
“Do you want a drink?”
Callie transitions easily into the house once Jackie reveals that her husband has a miniature arcade in the basement; a gaming room that has every pinball, skee-ball and table top game known to man hidden somewhere in the chaos of his ugly fluorescent beer signs. Callie takes off with a squeal, Jackie waving her off with a pleased smile, Shauna suddenly left alone with the blonde for the first time in decades.
“So,” Jackie says, pouring them a hefty glass of clear liquid that Shauna resists the urge to gag at, handing the diabolical mixture over to her, “Shauna Shipman.” Jackie’s face contorts slightly, furrowing her brow disapprovingly, “Or…I suppose I should say Shauna…Sadecki.”
The words feel like an affront coming from Jackie’s tongue, a string of sounds and syllables that Shauna realizes now is much more devastating than she initially anticipated it to be. She scrambles for a semblance of control, grabbing onto her drink and holding it up in a jest of a toast with Jackie, the blonde clinking the edge of her cup against Shauna’s in quiet challenge.
“Jackie Taylor,” Shauna counters back smugly, her voice somehow coming out steadier than she thought it would, “Otherwise known as…”
“Jackie Kennedy,” Jackie scoffs, rolling her eyes dismissively as Shauna lets out an uncontainable gasp, “Please don’t make any jokes about it. I’ve heard them all.” Shauna can’t help it; she throws her head back laughing despite Jackie’s narrowed eyes pointed accusingly at her; the utter absurdity of Jackie still being seen as a royalty-adjacent figure is absolutely ridiculous, even after all these years spanning between them and their old selves.
Because of course, Jackie would leave Wiskayok as the golden girl soccer captain and find herself in an even more impressive station and title.
“As regal as it sounds that you’re technically a Kennedy now,” Shauna admits with an amused chuckle, “I think I prefer the surname Taylor better.” Jackie’s cheeks redden under Shauna’s honest admittance, sipping her drink slowly as she looks back up in contemplation at the woman across from her.
“Do you remember when we were kids,” Jackie says softly, her voice hesitating slightly, “And we always pretended to get married? We’d even make my bear be the little pastor?” Shauna laughs, something breaking open in her that she hadn’t realized was so fragile, a memory from so long ago that it is almost dream-like.
“Yeah,” Shauna admits gently, images of her and Jackie holding hands while standing at the edge of her pink, frilly bed appear in flashes in her mind, “I remember. You always made me the husband.”
Jackie smiles wryly, looking over the edge of her glass with a gaze of fondness that makes Shauna’s chest rattle with an emotion she can’t quite express, something tender and tempting all in one.
“I thought for so long that I’d get your last name,” Jackie says unwaveringly, her eyes trained curiously on Shauna as her breath hitches in response to Jackie’s bold, naked truth spilled between them, “I spent hours imagining how my signature would look.”
“Why would you do that?” Shauna asks quietly, memories of how proud and innocent Jackie’s smiles were those days, how Shauna had once beamed under the look of adoration that Jackie would always bestow so easily upon her, back before the world began influencing what was right and what wasn’t.
“Because I thought marriage was for love,” Jackie says simply, leaning back into the couch as she chuckles sardonically and takes a large gulp of her drink, almost finishing the entirety of the burning liquid in one swallow, “I thought that people got married because they wanted to.”
“Why else would they?” Shauna challenges softly, despite knowing deep down that she once held the same childish belief; that when she was younger and more naive, she believed affection and infatuation could be enough for her to feel fulfilled for the rest of her life. That maybe if she loved someone enough, it would mean that she could find something worthwhile in the life built together.
“You tell me,” Jackie says challengingly, her eyes burning through Shauna as if she can read the silent confession lingering in her mind, “Since it seems you have everything a marriage should.” Shauna can feel Jackie’s edginess, her restlessness building as the drink in her glass lowers her inhibitions until something gives in.
“Why don’t you want kids?” Shauna asks instead, Jackie’s eyes widening in anguish.
“Because,” the woman bites, sharp and succinct.
“Because why?” Shauna pushes, unwilling to let the answer be enough. She needs to know- some rancid, foul, cruel part of her needs to know why Jackie hadn’t chosen the same life she did, why the blonde had abandoned the idle dream that she believed in so intensely as a teen. Jackie’s face curdles, pain and grief striking over her expression so sharply that Shauna can feel the ache in her own chest.
“Because every time I have them, I miscarry.”
The silence settles heavily between them, Jackie’s lip curling up distastefully as she tilts her head, egging Shauna on with her carefully constructed next words.
“Well don’t get shy now, Shipman,” Jackie taunts pointedly, “You always did think you knew everything.”
Shauna can’t quite deny the validity of the accusation. How many times had she made assumptions about Jackie and realized too late how wrong they were? She was always too proud for her own good, always a little bit too egotistical when she believed something to be true.
“How many times?” Shauna finally gathers the courage to ask, Jackie breathing in deeply, as if she was expecting Shauna to ask.
“Three,” Jackie responds, her voice shifting into something hardened, trying to remain unbothered, “The first time it happened…James thought he’d make an honest woman out of me.” Shauna feels the underlying insinuation, watching Jackie’s eyes harden slightly as she lets out a bitter scoff, “The second time, we figured it was just bad luck. A fluke that wasn’t meant to happen again.”
She reaches her hand across the couch before she can think to stop it, Shauna’s fingers brushing over Jackie’s knuckles with a tenderness she hasn’t truly felt since the last time they touched- Jackie’s eyes darting up to her face as she tries to keep her expression neutral, the air between them thickening with something heady.
“And the third time?” She asks, her voice softer than it has been all day.
“I started thinking that I deserved it,” Jackie admits earnestly, swallowing thickly around her words, “Everything that I lost, everything that I let slip through my fingers because I had chosen respectability and image over the things I was too scared to admit I wanted when I was younger…it was all for nothing.”
Shauna’s heart clenches in her chest. How often she had felt the same way; that her misery was earned because she was too stubborn to choose something else, too in love with the idea of having something that was completely her own that she never thought about what she would be giving up to achieve it.
“What was it that you wanted?” Shauna whispers, the longing so clear in her voice that she almost wishes she didn’t sound so pathetic asking Jackie to say her name. The blonde narrows her eyes slightly, her hand pulling back from Shauna’s touch as she tilts her head, contemplating.
“How long did you want him without saying anything?” Jackie counters, the words slicing into Shauna’s chest with cruel efficiency, “Or did you just finally sleep with him to get back at me for not realizing you did?”
“Not everything is about you, Jackie,” Shauna bites roughly, the pointed jab making her hand curl away in disgust as she furrows her brows, the woman across from her staring back with unrelenting stoicism.
“You didn’t answer my question,” Jackie demands, unrelenting, “How long did you think about taking him before you finally did?”
Shauna wants to hate her. She wants to hurl hurtful insults at her and her stupid, chic, beautiful home that is every bit the picture of perfectness that Jackie has always embodied without trying. She wants to hate the fact she is looking back at Jackie all these years later, still feeling just as inferior and unimpressive as she had when they were seventeen on the cusp of breaking apart into a million shards of something that was once beautiful but now lay broken and battered.
But she can’t. She never has been able to, for better or for worse, and she is no better at quelling her urges now than she was all those years ago.
“It….” Shauna swallows, “It wasn’t like that.”
“Then what was it like?” Jackie tilts her head, her voice becoming fragile with the clear emotion that has encased itself around them tightly, “You fucked my boyfriend, Shauna. What else am I supposed to think?”
“You’re acting like you were sooo in love with him,” Shauna snaps, rolling her eyes despite still being unwilling to roll over and bear her neck in submission just because Jackie wants her to, “But you were breaking up with him practically every other week!”
“So that means that it was okay for you to sleep with him behind my back?” Jackie scoffs, shaking her head in disbelief as Shauna’s rage and desire erupt into an inferno- something hot and heady taking hold of her until all she can think about is how this…this hunger has always been inside her, always been clawing at her chest in a desperate attempt at being released long enough to sink its teeth into something.
“What?” Shauna chokes, “No…no. I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant…well, it hardly even seemed like you cared about him back then.”
“I didn't,” Jackie admits with a shrug, the gesture listless and dismissive in a way that Shauna can’t help but snarl at, “We were in high school and it was never going to last.”
“So why are you making me feel so fucking guilty by acting like you did?” Shauna gasps, her eyebrows pressed so tightly together that she can feel her face contort into utter, helpless, disbelief.
“Because you were my best friend,” Jackie bites back, something wild showing in her pinched expression, “You. Not him. And you…” Jackie swallows thickly, inhaling deeply through her nose in a frenzied attempt at collecting herself again, “When did you stop wanting me to be your best friend too?”
Jackie says the words with such harrowing sadness, such deep intimate betrayal, that Shauna can't seem to find any of the anger that was once burning brightly within her; the rage that had been fueling her suddenly snuffed out within a moment. They stare at each other silently, unblinking as the words hang limply around them until Shauna can feel the heaviness of them wrapping around her throat, tugging on the string that she knows is tied to the woman sitting across from her- invisible and yet, the only thing Shauna has ever known to be real.
“It wasn’t about that, Jackie,” Shauna admits finally, the woman’s eyebrows furrowing tighter.
“Bullshit,” Jackie bites.
“I was mad,” Shauna confesses, her chest rattling with the truth that she has always kept clenched between her teeth and hidden in the bottom cavity of her chest, far away from any prying eyes that might see the weakness she never outgrew, “I said terrible, awful things to hurt you but believe me that I…I wasn’t mad at you.”
“Then why did you do it?” Jackie’s lip curls, her body leaning forward until she is practically kneeling in front of Shauna on the cushions, “Why did you say all that shit to me and then push me away?”
“Because I was mad at myself,” Shauna growls lowly, feeling the ache of her hollowed-out pain and guilt slowly claw at her throat as the burn in her chest begins to glow its embers once more, something unraveling with terrifying succinction as she gasps out, “Because I hated what I did and I hated that it hurt you-that it hurt us-in the process and I…I….”
“That doesn’t answer why,” Jackie says roughly, her eyes bright and wild with desperation that makes her look rabid, “Why did you do it, Shauna?”
“Because it wasn’t him I wanted!” Shauna explodes, the alcohol going straight to her head as her face inches closer to the blonde, her breath ragged and uneven as Jackie’s eyes roam over her face slowly, the proximity of their hunched shoulders somehow close enough now that all Shauna would have to do is reach over her knee to touch Jackie’s leg, to feel the warm, flushed skin beneath her palm after all of these years, “It was never about him, Jackie.”
Jackie doesn’t pull away, her chin tilting the smallest inch upwards until Shauna can feel the ghost of her breath tracing along her mouth, Shauna’s tongue darting over her lower lip as she tries to taste the alcohol sticking to Jackie’s words.
“I loved you, you know,” Jackie finally says, her voice low and sure despite the way Shauna’s breath rattles against her skull, “It took me years of therapy and reflection to realize that the reason I was so hurt over your betrayal wasn’t because I was in love with Jeff- it was because I was in love with you. And I wasn’t brave enough to admit it when I could have.”
I loved you, you know.
She did know. In some terrifying, unspeakable, untouchable part of her, she knew that the intense feelings that always existed between her and Jackie were deeper than anything a regular friendship consisted of: the hidden slumber party makeouts, the jealousy, the betrayal. What else explained the way they were able to cut and carve and caress each other so intimately, so instinctually it was as easier to breathe when the other was around? What else could make Shauna obsessively think about Jackie for the past ten years, despite hating herself for each time the thought crept into her mind?
“Why are you telling me this?” Shauna asks helplessly, shaking her head as she feels something slipping in her, Jackie’s hand twitching slightly before she reaches over, brushing Shauna’s knee gently, “You’re married- I’m married. We can’t do…”
Shauna swallows thickly, heat rising into her cheeks when Jackie’s hand rests fully on her knee, her thumb stroking small brushes over her skin, “We can't go back.”
“I know that,” Jackie says softly, her chin tilting up until Shauna can almost taste Jackie’s mouth against her own, hazel eyes lowering into half-lids as Shauna’s eyelashes flutter anticipatingly, “I’m not asking to.”
“What are you asking then?” Shauna whimpers.
But it doesn’t matter, because Jackie is already leaning in. And Shauna does the one thing she always does when it comes to Jackie: Shauna lets her.