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When he is seven years old, Cliff’s parents join him on the couch before dinner. They tell him that a special guest will be joining them. He asks if it’s Mario Lemieux and doesn’t try to hide his disappointment when they tell him no. His mom explains that the guest means a lot to his sister, in the same way his dad means a lot to her. Cliff then asks if his sister is going to get married as well.
“Oh, baby, no. People can still very much love each other without getting married,” his mom says in an odd tone. Almost as if she’s sad about it.
His dad takes that as a cue to tell Cliff that love can look different for everyone. He reminds him of the boy in Cliff’s class that has two mothers, his uncle that has a boyfriend, and the two male penguins at the zoo that have an egg together.
“Do you have any questions, sweetheart? Is there something you don’t understand or would like to know more about?”
Cliff’s mom does not seem amused by him asking if he can play on his Game Boy. After confirming with his parents about three times that he does not have any questions, Cliff is allowed to get his Game Boy from his room.
An hour later he finds out that the special guest is his sister’s girlfriend. At first he isn’t really interested in talking to her, he’d rather play video games. Then she helps him beat the third level of Kid Dracula and suddenly she is the coolest person Cliff has ever met.
After her girlfriend leaves, Cliff’s sister tells him that girls can like girls and boys can like boys. Cliff makes a face at that, not shy about reminding his sister that he already knew that. That’s how he knows grownups aren’t smart at all. His neighbour once said that boys can’t kiss boys but Cliff sees his uncle kiss a boy all the time.
Later that week one of his friends repeats the same words his neighbour used. Except instead of boys, he says girls. It’s right after Brodin’s two moms drop him off and Cliff feels frustrated over how wrong his friend is.
“That’s not true. My sister also kisses girls, I saw it myself. So you’re lying and lying is bad.”
Cliff learns what coming out means that evening. His sister is crying because her girlfriend broke up with her. When Cliff asks in a small voice if it’s his fault for telling on her, his dad assures him that he didn’t do anything wrong.
“Brodin told his moms what happened. One of them called us and said that you were very brave to stand up for your sister. We’re so proud of you, sweetheart.”
Brodin and Cliff become friends after that. Cliff makes sure to tell him how awesome it is that he has two moms. Cliff only has one, but she’s the best. If he didn’t love his dad as much he would wish for a second mom as well.
In 2006 Cliff is fourteen years old. His entire life revolves around hockey and he is captain of his team. His coaches think he can make it to the national team in the next two years, playing for his country in Junior Worlds.
Because of that Cliff has pretty much already secured a college scholarship. Which is for the best, since school isn’t exactly his strongest point. He’s aware of that. Despite his parents disagreeing, Cliff knows he is dumb. His teachers have told him so in more ways than one.
After the summer he is set to move to the other side of the country. It might be for boarding school but that’s because all of his coaches and both of his parents believe it’ll help his journey to the MLH. Cliff is excited for it, truly. Only it also means that he will have to leave his best friend behind.
“Why can’t you just play hockey?” Cliff groans, letting himself fall onto his bed. “You should’ve stayed on the team. Who even plays lacrosse? I can’t name one famous lacrosse player. I can name twenty famous hockey players. There is Hayley Wic-“
Brodin cuts him off with a laugh. “I’m so bad at hockey, you know that. And there are so many famous lacrosse players, you just don’t know them because you don’t care.”
“I know you. That’s enough, isn’t it? You’re gonna be the best anyway.”
Next to Cliff, Brodin lies down as well. Their hands touch and immediately their fingers intertwine. They stare at the ceiling in silence for a moment.
“You have to call me when you get a girlfriend. I heard girls love hockey. My moms do, at least, but I don’t think they count as ‘girls’ anymore,” Brodin says.
“Yeah dude, absolutely. Not sure if I’ll get one soon, though. I haven’t even kissed a girl before. Isn’t that a requirement for having one?” Cliff frowns.
For about a minute they ponder in silence again. Then Cliff tightens his hold on Brodin’s hand, sits up straight and looks at him with wide eyes.
“Bro, we can just kiss each other! Then we both don’t have to worry about it.”
“Kiss each other? Isn’t that gay?” Brodin laughs.
Cliff shrugs at that. “Not if it doesn’t count, right? It’s just practice so we know how to kiss. It’s only gay if you’re, like, really into it.”
“Yeah, that’s fair, I guess. Okay. So how do we do this?”
Thinking about his childhood, maybe Cliff should have noticed it earlier. The way he made out with Brodin for hours so they could ‘get it right’. Him gifting his sister a copy of ‘And Tango Makes Three’ when she and her wife were expecting because he kept thinking about the gay penguins. How he couldn’t stop staring at one of his classmates from boarding school.
Yet the one person that made Cliff question his sexuality just had to be another player.
“Let me get this straight. Yes, haha, very funny word choice,” Ilya says as he hands out a drink to Cliff first and then the rest of the table. Hayes and Shane both have to smother a chuckle. “You have been sleeping with guys for over ten years and you never questioned anything?”
For the second year in a row, Ilya and Shane have invited some players to train and hang out together at their cottage before the season starts. So far it’s Cliff, Haas, Hayes, Rybakov (who has seem to grow on Shane, much to Ilya’s annoyance), Deveau and Laurent. One or two other Centaurs are coming later as well.
Deveau is a goalie going into his third year with Calgary and already made a name for himself after a record breaking shutout run during the playoffs. Laurent is a left winger for Seattle and is going into his second year, though he is returning with an A on his jersey.
“I mean, it’s not gay if it’s a three way, am I right?” Cliff grins proudly. He nudges Shane next to him, who nods along dramatically saying ‘yeah man, I always say that’. Cliff doesn’t quite understand why Hayes starts laughing so hard.
“Marly, some of the three ways were with all guys,” Ilya says it with a loud sigh. He leans down to scratch Anya’s belly and almost falls over because of someone kicking his chair. Across from him Shane looks away innocently.
“Yeah, and? It rhymes so it’s still true.”
Rybakov gestures towards Cliff with his drink. “He’s not wrong, it rhymes. That means it must be true, no?”
“Don’t encourage him,” Ilya groans.
All of them fall into easy banter with each other. They talk about their summer adventures, predict the upcoming season and eventually disperse to wind down a bit from the long drive.
Later into the afternoon Cliff and Ilya decide to get the grill ready. Haas and Hayes are playing video games inside, whilst Shane is taking Anya on a hike with the younger guys.
“Pretty sick to see all of them looking at him like that,” Cliff smiles. “Shane Hollander really is everyone’s idol, huh?”
Ilya grins from ear to ear. His eyes soften at the mention of his husband’s name. “You know what they say. If you can not be the best, you fuck the best. That automatically makes you the best as well.”
“Yeah, Roz, gonna be honest with you. I don’t think I’ve ever heard that one before.”
“Of course not, Marly. You have never fucked the best.”
Cliff rolls his eyes, still smiling. “Not the best but still a two-time cup winner.”
“That is funny, I have won more than two cups. And I do not count since we barely touched each other’s dicks. But nice try.”
“I’m not talking about you, dumbass.”
Once it clicks, Ilya whips his head back around to look at Cliff. He points the tongs at him and snips a few times in the air. “You waited until Shane was away because you knew he would guess immediately.”
“Listen, he’s freaky, okay?! Dude’s a beast and he’s fucking insane, but I’m still not convinced he isn’t a robot when it comes to hockey. He knows everything!”
Ilya narrows his eyes. He takes a break from threatening with the tongs to turn over a few burgers. “Fair. Okay, fine. His gaydar is shit anyway.”
“Fucking hell, I was sweating my balls off. Hollzy’s awesome but I’m so fucking scared of him,” Cliff says with his hands thrown up in defense.
“Right?” Ilya says dreamily.
The Boston Bears Pride night gets scrapped. Instead, they get a night called ‘Hockey For Everyone’. The owners of the Bears reason it with wanting to be more inclusive and celebrating everyone.
It’s the first time Cliff feels hurt instead of anger.
“They’re just fucking pissed because the league’s finally fighting back. It’s not fair. They know what this means, ‘inclusive’ my fucking ass, it’s to silence everyone.”
There is a sigh on the other end of the phone. “I know, sweetheart. You’re right. But can you see how big of a change there has been made already? The fact that they are desperate enough to do this. It means that there is more pushback than expected. ‘Let them have their rainbow nights’, huh? And now they are scrambling to take those away because soon they don’t have any say in it. You guys are changing the league, Cliff. You are helping so many others by standing up for them, just like you have always done.”
Tears well up in Cliff’s eyes. He blows out his breath carefully, trying to keep it together. The words wash over him with a sense of pride and comfort.
“Yeah, you’re uh- you’re right. Thanks, dad. I don’t know why I’m freaking out so much over this,” he laughs with barely any humor. “Just fucking sucks, to be honest.”
His dad hums softly. “You’ve always felt strongly about these things because of your sister and uncle. Is there maybe another reason why it hits this hard?”
Cliff closes his eyes. He listens to his own heart beating so loudly he can hear it in his ears. “Uh, yeah, about that.”
When the Hockey For All night arrives, Cliff thinks about the call with his dad. They talked for hours about it. He came out as bisexual for maybe the second time officially, had the opportunity to explain everything to his dad and then got to talk to his mom. He also knows that most people going through the same journey don’t get to do those things.
He isn’t planning on any big gesture. There is no coming out, no huge rainbow banner. At first he didn’t want to do anything, really. But Cliff is still an ally - even if he technically is part of the queer community now. And if there is one thing he is good at besides hockey, it’s being an ally.
So that night for warmups Cliff pulls last year’s Pride jersey over his head. It gets a few mixed reactions from his teammates. Some are confused, others get what he’s trying to do, most of them don’t care.
“Oh thank fuck, I lost mine as well. Can’t be bothered to go ask for a new one if we have to switch anyway,” Carmichael announces as he walks into the locker room. He yanks the new jersey off the hanger and throws it in the trashcan. Then he fishes a packaged jersey out of his bag. It’s the very same jersey of last year’s Pride night.
Cliff breaks out into a grin. He daps Carmichael up, pushes him away when he sees the wink and laughs with relief.
It’s not a surprise that both of them get fined for wearing the wrong gear. They play smart by pretending to be dumb about it. When asked, Cliff just shrugs and says his dedication of tonight goes out to his lesbian sister. Carmichael also dedicates it to Cliff’s lesbian sister, mostly because he forgot to think of a valid enough excuse.
There are a bunch of microphones shoved in front of Cliff’s face when he walks out of the locker room after the game.
“There wasn’t any mix-up,” he says. “Hockey is for everyone, right? To me that means it’s also for my sister. I thought it was important to let her know. Some other guys had the same idea, everyone thought of their own people. That’s what tonight was for, was it not?”
Ever since they went to a basketball game together, Cliff and Shane have been meeting up here and there throughout the year. Sometimes it’s another sports game, sometimes they go hiking for an entire day.
This time they’re playing Rocket League on Cliff’s couch because the Centaurs went against the Bears last night and Ilya has an appointment in Boston.
“That’s what I fucking thought, asshole. You wanna try that shit again? I’ll fucking end you!” Shane yells out laughing.
“Motherfu- oh fuck off, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You’re sick in the head, Hollander. Sick.” Cliff’s controller flies through the air. It bounces back from the couch against his face, making Cliff dive away with a screech.
Shane loses it. He nearly falls from the couch because he wheezes all air out, completely doubling over. It takes a few minutes until both of them have calmed down enough.
“You listen to me, Hollzy. I’m man enough to admit you’re better than I am on the ice. I have no shame in saying that. But this? This is my domain. What you just did, disrespecting me like that in my own damn home? That’s low,” Cliff shakes his head saying it. “Alright, want a drink?”
“For sure, yeah,” Shane responds.
Whilst Cliff is rummaging in his fridge, he hears Shane say something. He grabs a can of ginger ale and a bottle of sparkling water that he takes back to the living room. “What’s up?”
“How’s Vaughan doing?”
The drinks are close enough to the table to not fall over when Cliff lets them go.
“Oh shit, I thought he told you! Fuck, sorry, I shouldn’t have asked,” Shane quickly says.
“Holy shit, bro, are you fucking psychic or something? Roz said you are terrible at guessing who’s gay!”
“Huh? No, Ilya didn’t tell me anything, I swear. It was Rose. She’s friends with Vaughan’s ex-girlfriend, the actress one? They were in a film together.”
It takes a few seconds for Cliff to process. “Oh. Oooh. Jesus, bro, I thought you were in my head.”
The corners of Shane’s mouth turn down with guilt. “Sorry. Again. I promise Vaughan is okay with me knowing, I’m not trying to out anyone. Really thought he told you about it.”
“Nah, it’s okay, don’t worry,” Cliff chuckles. He sits back down on the couch and passes Shane the other controller. “Carter probably forgot about it. We aren’t exactly hiding or whatever, we’re just waiting how long it takes Hunter and Roz to figure out.”
“That actually makes sense, yeah. Ilya’s been talking non-stop about it. He doesn’t even want to know who it is, he’s just pissed that he can’t think of anyone.”
Cliff grins. “Fucking knew it. He’s always the first one to know, thought it’d be a nice change of pace.”
Shane laughs, fully relaxed again after having a near heart attack. “He’s good about it, though. He keeps asking me if I know anything but then tells me not to answer. Is it the same for Hunter?”
“Nope, Carter just thinks it’s funny. Wants to see his face when he realises it’s me. I think Hunter still associates me with Roz and Roz does that with Carter and Hunter.”
“You know what,” Shane says, “tell me when and I’ll make sure Ilya is in the same room.”
Boston gets knocked out of the playoffs within the first round and Ottawa doesn’t make it past the second. Somehow the Admirals once again fight their way through. They’re up against Dallas, who can’t seem to comprehend it either.
Cliff is in New York for all of it. He’s planning on going to all home games but will stay at Carter’s apartment during the Dallas games. They had the same idea about that early on. Not necessarily to keep any cover, more so because they’re both superstitious.
It’s two days before the finals start and the Kingfisher is overflowing. Cliff manages to find the booth Ilya and Shane are seated at without bumping into too many people.
“Marly!” Ilya’s face lights up. “I did not know you were here as well. Ah, are you also hoping to watch Dallas win?”
“Can you repeat that but louder? I’d love to see someone with glitter on their face knock your teeth out,” Cliff retorts.
“Would not be the first time,” Ilya grins wide, making sure to show off the overly white fake teeth. “And they love me here, so that is not going to happen.”
“Fuck you, Rozanov!” Someone belts out from the other side of the bar.
Ilya waves proudly towards the direction it came from. “See? I love you too!”
“What’s up, Hollzy?” Cliff fist bumps Shane as he sits down across from him. “How are the divorce papers? Signed and delivered?”
“I fear your idea of hell is my reality of heaven, Marlow,” Shane chuckles. “Besides, aren’t you here to support your own boy?”
That gets Ilya’s attention. He scrambles to sit upright and gawk at Cliff. Before Cliff understands why, he feels a presence looming over him.
“No. No, oh god. Marly, what have you done?” Ilya stares at him with wide eyes. “Him? Are you serious? You are poly, okay, that is fine! Good for you! But him? Is this why you kept it a secret? How could you let this happen?”
Cliff slowly looks up, already sensing who the guy is standing next to him.
“Hey, Hunter. Roz thinks we’re fucking each other,” he tells him. The face he gets in return makes him frown. “Okay, rude, fucking hell.”
“Nothing against you, Marlow, I’m sure you’re.. nice,” Hunter says dryly.
Behind the booth there are a few others loudly greeting someone. It comes closer and closer, until the happy shouting stops behind Hunter. Two hands grip his shoulders and shake him together.
“Scotty!”
All of the nerves that have been keeping Cliff company thinking about this moment somehow disappear. Seeing Carter’s radiant smile, the look of recognition when his eyes find Cliff, their first touch after weeks of not being near each other. It all blends into one.
Quite literally pushing Hunter to the side, Carter grabs Cliff and pulls him to his feet. “Bro, I’ve missed you so much!”
“I’ve missed you too, dude,” Cliff smiles.
The chaos surrounding them dies down when they kiss each other. They don’t hear Hunter’s confused stuttering, they aren’t aware of Ilya’s panicked sounds and even Shane’s boisterous laughter slips by.
For just one moment Cliff finds himself back in time. Reliving their first kiss, drunk and heartbroken over both of their breakups. Instead of the expected ‘we shouldn’t do this’ the day after, Carter asked him to dive in headfirst. Cliff has never been more glad to agree to something that should’ve been so incredibly stupid.
”So no Hunter? Just Vaughny? I knew you would never disappoint me, Marly,” Ilya sighs out with relief.
“Listen here, you little shit-“