Archive of Our Own

 He was proven wrong when he became a vampire.

 When he'd first awoken, it had been nothing but a discomfort, an itch he could easily ignore, especially when he was so focused on rebuilding the emotional barrier Kurogane had managed to get through. By the time they arrived in Infinity, however, the pain had escalated to a constant burning that left his throat feeling raw and his head feeling fuzzy. The vampire twins hadn't mentioned anything about it being this bad - Fai could only guess that perhaps the magic in his blood altered the way his vampiric... cravings manifested. Whatever the reason was, it made it hard for Fai to keep hold of reason whenever Kurogane was around him.

 It was bad enough that he'd been saved (again, he couldn't help but think) even though he should've died; given yet another weakness when it came to Kurogane when he could afford to have none in the path that lay ahead of him. A need for closeness wasn't news to him - Fai had been fighting that for a while now - but this was darker, more desperate and instinctual, and this newfound lack of control scared him. Kurogane's blood called to him, and even though Fai needed it to stay alive, he wasn't willing to risk tasting a single drop. If he did, he was sure he wouldn't be able to stop.

 With that in mind, Fai made it his priority to stay away from Kurogane, but it was a task made difficult by the kids and Mokona; Fai didn't want to upset them, so he couldn't be as obvious whenever they were around, and the chess games also required them to fight side by side on a regular basis. While the heat of battle was a good distraction, the effort took its toll on Fai's body, and his thirst was always worse afterwards.

 Much to Fai's dismay, those were the exact times Kurogane chose to keep bothering him to drink his blood. Every day he asked, and every day Fai denied him; that night was no different.

 "You need to drink," Kurogane said.

 "No, thanks. I'm fine."

 "Don't fuck with me, mage. You look like you're in pain."

 Fai didn't move, but raised challenging eyes to meet Kurogane's through the faint reflection on the window.

 "It's nothing I can't handle," he said, ignoring the burning in his throat that protested against his every word.

 "Bullshit. You haven't fed once since you were turned and that was weeks ago," Kurogane's voice was strained, and though Fai couldn't see, he could sense the other's anger rising, the blood pumping faster through his veins calling to the vampire in him. Kurogane took a step forward and Fai tensed, feeling the heat of the ninja's body washing over his skin. "Drink," Kurogane ordered, grabbing Fai's shoulder to turn the other towards him.

 The moment his hand made contact, Fai whirled around and threw Kurogane against the wall, his eyes turning gold as he held the ninja by his throat. His whole body was shaking; this close, he could smell Kurogane's blood, feel it under his fingertips - so close, nothing but a thin layer of skin keeping it out of Fai's reach.

 It disgusted him, how close he was to losing control.

 "I. Said. No." he hissed, letting go of Kurogane's neck and storming out of the room.

 Fai didn't slow down until he was outside, a few blocks away from the house and safe from being followed by Kurogane. Only then did he let himself collapse against a wall, taking in gulps of fresh air in hopes of forgetting the smell of the ninja's blood. It didn't work; he whimpered as he imagined the way it would feel against his lips, warm and sweet, finally quenching the thirst that burned his throat.

 "Stop it," Fai said, not even realizing he was speaking out loud. He slid down until he was sitting on the cold ground, head pressed in his hands. He hated how selfish his desires were; the vampire blood only reminding him of that which he'd rather forget. He'd been close to giving in, and then he wouldn't have been able to stop - hadn't it always been like that? Taking what he didn't deserve, dooming other people's lives just by being close to them? There was no reason to believe he'd be able to refrain from doing the same now.

 When Fai was finally able to clear his head, hours had passed and the sky above him was dark, only a few lights still on in the surrounding houses. He got up slowly, steadying himself on numb legs before starting to walk back, mentally preparing himself in case Kurogane wanted to face him again. 

As Fai had feared, Kurogane was waiting for him when he returned, sitting in the living room with a cup of sake in his hands. He made no movement to get up when Fai entered, but before the mage could lock himself up in his room, he said, "Wait."

Fai stopped and turned to face Kurogane, ready to put more distance between them, but the other remained seated.

"Do you think starving yourself to death is a great plan? What about them?" he motioned to the doors behind which Mokona and the kids were asleep. "Was everything that happened in Tokyo for nothing?" 

Fai closed his hands into fists, gritting his teeth. 

"I never asked for what happened in Tokyo. You were the one who didn't let me die." 

"I made a choice," Kurogane said.

"A choice that wasn't yours to make."

"Whatever you say, I don't regret making it. It was the right choice."

You're wrong, Fai wanted to say. If Kurogane knew all the things he'd done, all the lies he'd told and the things he would certainly still do, he wouldn't be saying that. He would've let Fai die back in Tokyo. However, it was nothing Fai could explain, and the last thing he wished was to get angry over this conversation when he was already feeling exhausted. 

"We should rest, Kurogane," Fai said, forcing a smile. "We have a chess game to win tomorrow."

He left the room before Kurogane could answer, feeling the ninja's gaze burn into his back almost as bad as the pain in his throat. 

 When his limbs first started to feel heavy, Fai should've done something.

 They were in the middle of a match, and he shook it off as Sakura hesitating, choosing to ignore the fact that nor Syaoran nor Kurogane seemed to be affected by the same problem. He pushed through it, using every ounce of energy to keep fighting, beads of sweat forming on his brow as his breathing became ragged. Luckily, their opponent was nearly defeated already, and it didn't take long for the judge to declare their victory once again.  

It wasn't until they were back at the house that any remaining strength left Fai's body and he collapsed.

 "Fai!"

 "Fai-san!"

He could faintly hear Mokona and the kids' voices through a buzzing in his ears. His vision was hazy, but one thing was clear - the burning in his throat, a raw ache that threatened to overwhelm everything else. 

Fai knew the exact moment someone lifted him up that it was Kurogane. His blood had never smelled better, and Fai was hyperaware of every inch of bare skin that touched his; could feel every vein where that sweet, sweet blood ran. He licked his dry lips, struggling against his instincts as he tried to push Kurogane away weakly.

"Get away," he managed to whisper as Kurogane let him down on something soft - the couch, probably. He couldn't understand Kurogane's answer, but from his harsh tone it was obvious it wasn't anything nice. 

The indistinct shadows that were Sakura and Syaoran disappeared from Fai's field of vision, probably sent to another room along with Mokona. The couch dipped under Kurogane's weight as he sat beside Fai, and then there was something being pressed to his mouth.

Kurogane's wrist, which had blood overflowing from a cut he had made himself.

"No," Fai protested, but his hands had unconsciously grabbed Kurogane's arm in a tight grip. His entire body convulsed when he tasted the first drop - and then all rational thought was gone. His teeth sunk into Kurogane's flesh as he revelled in the richness of his blood, thick and warm and so good.

"That's enough, mage," Fai heard Kurogane say after a while, but he kept drinking, growling and tightening his grip when Kurogane tried to pull away his arm. "Mage!"

Even in his frenzied state, Fai hated what he was doing - taking Kurogane's blood like a greedy, uncontrollable beast. Watching his life dim with every gulp, yet not being able to stop, not wanting to stop. The pain that had been his company in the previous weeks was all but gone, but everything in his body screamed for just one more drop, just a little more.

He'd always been selfish, hadn't he?

"Mage," Kurogane repeated, his voice no more than a ragged whisper. Fai closed his eyes, guilt washing over him - and then, suddenly, there was pain once again, this time on his leg. It made him snap out of his frenzy long enough to launch himself away from Kurogane, scrambling to the opposite side of the room. Only when he'd put as much distance as he could between them did Fai look down at the dagger stuck deep in his thigh, the reality of what had happened finally overtaking him.

A weak sob escaped his throat, and he realized he'd been crying - for how long, he couldn't tell. He was almost afraid to raise his eyes, but forced himself to do it anyway.

Kurogane had cut a piece of his own shirt to press against his wrist, his face pale and his chest barely rising with each breath. He'd let his head fall back, eyes half-closed; even after all the battles they'd been in, Fai had never seen him look this fragile. And it was his fault, for being so weak and almost killing him, this man who had given him chances he never deserved and tied their lives together when Fai was dying.

"Stupid mage," Kurogane muttered. Fai started, but before he could answer the ninja had fallen asleep.

Pulling the dagger out with a hiss and making his own makeshift tourniquet to stop the bleeding, Fai approached Kurogane carefully. He checked his pulse, sighing in relief when he found it, weak but still there. His fingers trembled as he hovered them over Kurogane's cheek, not allowing himself to touch it like he wanted to. He was the one who'd done all the damage, and if Kurogane hated him for it when he woke up - well, Fai deserved it.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, leaving the ninja to rest and limping towards his room. He hoped the kids wouldn't come out of theirs for a while - though he wouldn't be surprised if Kurogane told them exactly what had happened later. It hurt to think of them all hating him, but Fai knew he had no right to feel this way; if anything, it was for the best, since they never should've cared for such a cursed person in the first place.

And even though Kurogane's eyes would be the most difficult to face, he'd make himself feel that pain. If he was forced to feed again, as much as now that thought made his full stomach churn, he'd use it to remind himself of what he really was, and what he didn't deserve to yearn for. 

He'd taken his brother's life, and that night he'd almost taken Kurogane's, when both were worth so much more than his own.

He'd always been selfish, hadn't he?