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It was the third Avenger mission of the week, since New York villains became more obvious- seeing themselves as the next Loki- and the government delegated all issues to the Avengers. Nick Fury may have been in charge of sending them to the mission, it was Steve who coordinated once they arrived. Tony constantly was arguing he was in charge due to his financial contributions and yet he was not very good at actually telling people what to do (which was much of a surprise).
Steve actually enjoyed leading a group, reminding him of the Howling Commandos who he much preferred. He realises he should never say that, never insult his teammates but he can’t help but know it's true, Stark, Barton, Banner, Thor and even Natasha couldn't live up to the legacy of the commandos.
Dum Dum Dugan. Gabe Jones. Jim Morita. James Montgomery Falsworth. Jacques Dernier.
And not even them could live up to Bucky. No one is Bucky Barnes and Steve missed him more than he could even describe, in even the small things like making a reference, seeing a funny joke or just turning to his side and finding it empty after years of companionship.
He can't think about him too long without his mind showing him the train, the icy cold Alpes swallowing the body of his best friend as he fell to his death from Steve’s inability to grab him.
No, he shouldn't think about it.
He still mourns the Commandos, one of the first things he requested after leaving the ice was whether any of them were still alive. By 2011 when he was brought back, he was the only one left. That kind of grief still sat on his chest, the raw pain of knowing your friends lived a life without you and were gone before you could say anything more. Even still some days are harder than others to get over the losses he never had a chance to process. Getting out of bed is difficult when the people you used to get out of bed for are dead.
That's why he is glad of the Avengers. They gave him purpose once more, a reason to fight, a group of people to work with in order to save people. That’s all he's wanted to do, save people. No matter what era of time he lives in, his purpose is to protect. That's his reason for getting out of bed.
This mission should be simple. A group that Natasha and Barton recognise as coordinators of organised crime have got their hands on Chitauri weaponry from the battle and have got it working in a subpar standard to that of the real Chitauri but dangerous nonetheless.
They were situated on the Adirondack North Country, a heavily frosted area of northern New York and from the looks of intel, their base was not difficult to find due to the construction of a large Loki statue that began outside. It seems Loki finally had people worship his ways, even if Thor scoffed at the incorrect likeness between the statute and his brother.
After the initial debrief with all members of the Avengers, Steve was left alone with all the files and information in order to create a mission plan. The work was easy, everyones skills set fit perfectly and he even gifted Barton the pleasure of firing arrows from a tree, something he jokingly asked to do last time and now Steve decided to make it official.
This should be easy, one of the less strenuous missions they’d had in a while.
~~~
The day of the mission Steve immediately bit his words. Everything was a disaster, Thor didn't show up due to “Asgardian business” taking priority, Stark went off plan and Banner hulked out which disrupted Natasha’s plan leaving her more to deal with. Even Steve was having a harder time, he was meant to sneak into a supposedly unguarded entrance and take out enemies from behind, however he was very quickly overwhelmed by the large number of people that greeted him. The only person actually able to stick to plan was Barton from his advantage point up in the tree and he was extremely helpful in reducing the amount of people attacking his fellow Avengers.
His shield flew between walls and knocked the wind or consciousness out of people, but with each person knocked out, two showed up. Steve got closer, punches flying, aiming for any unarmed piece of skin available in order to cause the most damage. He used the walls as jump points, using his shield and legs as weapons, even stealing one unaltered gun which he used to disarm and disable those around him.
Finally, he made his way into the building, searching around him for the Chitauri weaponry, as he did he pressed his fingers to his comms, "Status update?”
“Scanning the building,” Tony answered, finally on track with the plan Steve originally gave him. “I’ll update.” He added, clearly focused on whatever information Jarvis was handing him.
“Bruce is really angry right now” Natasha spoke, confirming both she and Bruce were unable to help, too focused on controlling the Hulk.
“Outside is mainly clear, do you want me to join you inside?” Clint answered, leaving Steve hope that he was not the last one in the fight.
“Yes Barton.” He answered quickly, removing his fingers from his ear as he entered a room.
The middle of the room, aloft on a platform, held a long table not dissimilar to that in Tony’s lab, except this one was adorned with weaponry pulled directly from the Battle of New York. Steve forced himself to step closer, eyes searching the array of open circuits and cracked armour.
As Steve stepped up to the platform, he spoke into his comms “I’ve found-” but was interrupted by the swing of the door slamming shut and the lines going dead leaving Steve stranded. A quick scan of the room showed a lack of any other exits, including no window.
This did not cause Steve to panic, this was hardly the worst situation he's been in; he jogged to the wall and began to feel for any other exits when suddenly the temperature dropped to well below freezing instantly. It felt to be around 20 degrees causing a deep shiver to rise through Steve’s body.
The shiver was quickly accompanied by panic.
Before the serum, Steve was used to the feeling of being out of breath thanks to his Asthma, but the way the air sucked out his lungs as his breathing became laboured was not like an asthma attack, his mind was fuzzy with panic, his muscles tensing as he felt himself slide to the floor.
It was too cold, he was too deep in the ocean, wait, he's not in the ocean? It feels like the cold plunge of sinking into the ocean except he's still breathing, he's not wet. He's cold. He’s too cold. A cool mist explodes in the room, the soft overcast of water soon hitting his skin, overtaking his nerves.
He was cold and wet and oh fuck he’s about to lose 70 more years. He had just got his bearings in this century and now he was being sunk again, trapped in the bottom of an icy sea with no hope of rescue. Just like when the plane crashed and he lost contact with Peggy, his comms are done he has no way of getting help from his Avengers. Just as Steve once left the Howling Commandos, he leaves the Avenger in a cold and wet state.
No, hes overthinking this, hes on a solid surface, the avengers will find him he’s in a room, but he was also in a room when he was on that plane so to speak, he didn’t submerge immediately, just felt the freezing cold depths and water begin to hit him before the windows gave out completely and he was wrapped in the ocean water. Once again he is drowning and knows his fate.
He opened his mouth to beg to a God he's not sure he can believe in anymore. His lips move and he feels a scratch on his vocal cords but he isn't sure if the words escape audibly or not. He needs help, he needs to get out of this cold plunge and yet his muscles won't co-operate, he feels stiff and glued to the floor. He could never escape his fate.
He imagined Bucky in this moment, his mind often drifting to him. He almost wishes he would die so he could see Bucky again rather than lose even more years, pulling him further away from his best friend. Oh, he wishes Bucky was here, he would get his ass into action, instead Steve sits useless and waiting for death.
Steve closes his eyes. He no longer wishes to see it coming, when the room full of Chitauri equipment gets swept away by the tidal wave that plunges Steve to sleep. Steve doesn’t want to lose anymore, why does he have to lose this fragile good he's built since coming back?
But as the hypothermia settles deep in his bones, lips turning ashen and skin grey, his frozen muscles spasm uncontrollably. He begins to notice the excess sweat and his heart hammering in his chest. Steve Rogers waits for unconsciousness and prays for death.
“Cap! Cap!” Steve’s eyes open as a voice comes through. It can't be Bucky from the other side of death, meaning someone found him.
It’s Hawkeye, his fingers to his ear talking to the medics, but Steve more so notices his shiver. It’s so cold, he’ll die too.
“It’s too cold, you need to run.” Steve’s speech is slurred, panicked almost as he tries to protect Barton.
“Not without you. Come on big guy.” He hooks his arms over his shoulder, pulling him to his feet, Steve tries to cooperate but his muscles continue to convulse and he almost trips.
“It’s alright, it's warmer out here.” Barton coos, Steve would normally reject such condescension but he is also the only reason he is still upright. Steve lets himself be dragged out the room and he is dropped outside, feeling the warmth he takes big deep breaths.
Barton kneels in front of him, “The cold really got you, huh? It's alright, medics are coming.”
“What about the men?” Steve’s vision is blurred, from the Hypothermia or the changes from cold to warm he doesn't know but he tries to look in the direction of Barton, only to see blobs of blonde, pale skin and a deep purple like three colours mixing on a palette
“Took them all down. I got a majority, not to brag, and Tony is getting the last few. Natasha has calmed Bruce down so she is securing the perimeter.”
Barton adds a joke about the Hulk and Steve very quickly realises that he has no idea about the likely panic attack or the extreme fear that riddled Steve’s body, instead thought he was just cold. Steve liked that he didn't have to explain himself but wished he could express that fear, talk and scream and cry about how frightened he is of the cold. He wants Bucky.
“The Chitauri things, weapons, they’re in there.” Steve interrupts, because his priority remains with the mission.
“Tony’s going in to scan the equipment and then we’ll send SHIELD tecs in. Very good at their job, able to analyse and remove without triggering anything.”
Steve nods, just in time for the medics to come in, wrap him in a stupid aluminium blanket as Clint steps back, allowing medics to check Steve over.
~~~
That night, Steve ignored all the medical advice he was given and got into the shower, putting the temperature up as high as his shitty apartment shower would let him and he just stood head bent under the waterfall. It hurt, his skin turned red and his lungs felt restricted, but he pushed through. He’s a super soldier, he can’t get drunk so he has to feel something, or rather feel something physical instead of mental somehow. He stayed under the stream until the water cooled down at which moment he immediately turned off the shower and stepped out.
He wrapped a towel around his waist and looked in the mirror. His skin burnt red from the heat of the water, but as he turned, he caught sight of the back of his neck which was red raw and with blisters already forming, evidence of the scalding.
He prefers burning, Steve thinks, the heat that marks his skin more relaxing then the cold overtaking every essence of his body. Steve knows the burns won’t last long due to his enhanced healing, but the sharp contrast to the cold his body felt earlier is a comfort, for now.