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Natasha knows shes suicidal. She always has been, you don't get into this business if you're not at least partially willing to die. The only reason she hasn't committed was in order to clear the blood from her ledger, so if she dies saving someone, at least that will wipe her clean. She thought about telling Clint or Maria this, after all they are in the same business, they are willing to die to save people; however, there is a difference between willing to die and hoping for the chance to die.
If she really thought about it, Thor would be the most likely to understand her. He too wishes to die in battle, for him it is to get into Valhalla which can only happen if one dies in a warrior's death. So he wants to die in battle to get into his version of heaven and she wants to die in battle to free her from the blood that clung to her- both selfishly dying in order to save another.
But again, she's never said this aloud.
Her life has always been full of chances to die, from the Red Room to SHIELD and graduating to the Avengers, her life is filled with opportunities to die. The avengers really make those chances spectacles, first Loki and now Ultron.
Ultron was scary. Even for her, she somewhat saw his point of eradicating humans so the earth could live, humans were a virus but she was also human and he knew the greatness that lay within the human race. His knowledge of everything was scary, he knew everything about her, possibly even Red Room knowledge not available from the SHIELD file drop but he didn't bring it up much. Guess there is a plus for everything.
The rush to get everyone off of Sokovia took every effort from every person. Fury showing up with Maria and the Helicarrier, Wanda and Pietro’s assistance, Vision’s abilities as well as the Avengers ability to work together.
The battle was coming to a close, the rush now was to save as many people as they could. Pietro ran grabbing people, Clint stayed near the border with the Helicarrier to help people on, Tony was flying around to stop the city creating an earthwide extinction, Vision waiting for his mark, Wanda was rather effectively destroying Ultron’s robot cronies. Thor too was helping clear a path for escapees, Steve leading people best he can to the border. Hulk was… smashing.
Natasha did what she could, but she was aware that she had guns against metal, her Widow bites being more effective but she refocused her efforts on saving people, helping them to their survival. She wonders how they will be treated if they reach America, at least they’re classed as white and not overshone with the shadow of the red scare.
The view gets better the higher they float, she muses. It’s picturesque. She’s been prepped for worse ways to die. Saving people from dying as their home crashes to earth with such a pretty view is definitely a nice way to die.
She’s always liked the view. She likes the brightness of the sun showing that the world keeps turning. She's spent so much of her life in darkness that she craves a warm sunbeam to bask in. A sunrise is her favourite time of day, a reminder of a new start, a new chance to improve and make her life mean something. Noon’s also pretty good, she spent so many years of her life hidden from noon, working in only the night that experiencing Noon feels like freedom.
Her comms are getting loud, Tony talking to Vision mainly, Steve interrupting with updates from ground level. She wishes those three could have their own communication channel to discuss this then update with the summarised version. She normally begs for the full picture but they're rather distracting, especially as it's mainly Tony and Steve saying each other's names with increasing frustration.
Thor uses his lightning to clear the road ahead, Steve takes everyone he can reach and call out to, over to the Helicarrier and he stays over there, he searches close to the border, time is coming. Vision has done his bit, the country is flying higher and higher, it's getting colder.
Oh but this view. The blues swirling with wispy clouds looking like a crayon drawing Yelena once made. Yelena would like this view, she always loved when the clouds were wispy, she said it was less likely to rain and ruin their fun. She loved the outdoors, before she was trapped inside. The Red Room gave girls less time outdoors than wardens did to their prisoners. It would be a huge Fuck You to Dreykov if she died outdoors and not at the hands of another. Maybe this is the right time to die.
“I’ll do another search.” She says into the comms.
Clint speaks immediately, “Nat there isn't the time, get back to the ship.”
“No, it's a good idea, she can find stragglers and make it back.” Steve commanded. She appreciated his trust in her to get it done, liking how he immediately trusted her to get the job done.
She does notice that Steve neglects to mention a way for her to get back. She is aware that being one of two out of a group of six, well nine today, without some kind of superhuman ability or suit of armour that acts as such does mean she is at a disadvantage. She and Clint both prove themselves as worthy members of the team, they both deserve to be there but the other members forget their vulnerability. It’s very good Steve ordering her to make it back, but she has no way of getting back if she wanted to. She is no longer sure she wants to.
In that moment Natasha chooses to stay behind, to die on this floating rock as she spends her last moments helping people to escape the same fate she has accepted.
Natasha heads further to the centre, searching the mainly deserted streets, pointing directions to stragglers. She finds a spot, hidden so in any searches she is less likely to be found. A cat climbs onto her lap. Black as the night sky and old as a cat can be, wobbly on its feet. She picks it up gently and cuddles it like a baby, one she never had. This cat meows gravelly yet snuggles closer. It’s nice, having a creature see Natasha as a comfort, something to trust even inches from death.
She is now dying keeping this creature from suffering, by holding this cat, it dies feeling the warmth of a human holding it tight, keeping it company as the world crashes down, as they crash down to Earth. Just the two of them.
She’ll never say goodbye to the few people she loves.
Yelena. If she’s still alive, wherever she is. Her sister of yesteryear. She's lying to herself, she is still her sister, even if it was all pretend. Her sister who she tried to save from the horrors of the Red Room but couldn't. The first victim of Natasha’s inability to fight the Red Room. Natasha blew up Dreykov, destroyed the Red Room and gave her sister freedom. She wishes she saw her again. It's been so many years, they should have had the chance. She tried looking for her, but Yelena didn’t want to be found. She wonders if Yelena will read about Natasha’s death in the news. Will she mourn? Natasha wishes she could see her once more.
Fury. The man is like a father to her. She mourned him when she believed him dead, would he mourn her? He took her in, allowed her to work for SHIELD despite her track record, despite once being a target. He was more of a father than Alexi or Dreykov. She hopes he mourns, which would mean he cares like she does. He saw her when no one else did. He helped her use her abilities for good, or what they thought was good. It's because of him she found her place with the Avengers. She’ll never get to thank him.
Tony. After a rocky start, she grew to like him. He was funny, easy to like really, if you could deal with the cockiness. She kept in touch with him, he was easy to feel okay around, now they're not pretending. He didn't hate her after she lied to him, he instead liked her more, they grew closer. He trusted her. She trusts him, and that takes a lot for her to say. It was rare. She’ll never have her moment to tell him this. Never get a chance to say those words.
Steve. They worked missions together, they grew close. She kissed the man. It meant nothing to her, he is only a friend but they have a bond. She likes him, she regrets having him lose someone else, but he and Sam could search for Bucky and he will have someone that means more. He forgot her humanity, her vulnerability of just being flesh and bone with no power ups. She still regrets never saying goodbye.
Maria. A lover. A woman who she has shared her body in a way that feels like worship and not work. A woman she saw a retirement with on nights she dared dream. Maria Hill, a woman she once could imagine marrying. A woman who Natasha learnt how to love with. Now she disappears without so much as a goodbye. She hopes Maria can move on, hopes she can love again but regrets any pain she will cause, Oh, Natasha wishes she could tell her “I love you” once more.
Clint. Clint Barton. Her best friend, a man that knew her better than she knew herself. From the moment he lowered his bow and approached, from that stupid joke an extension of a hand they were inseparable. From nights spent on the floor of his SHIELD room, drinking and gossiping and watching dumb sitcoms he called “education” and she called torture and yet she rewatches when she’s sad. The man who knew her darkest secrets and most shameful acts and not only exchanged his experiences, accepted her and helped her reenact revenge. The man who made her believe friendship was real, the man who broke the Red Room out of her mind. She will die and never thank him, never say goodbye and never hear him joke again. That hits somewhere deep. She will never repay him for helping her build a life. There is too much to say in even a day of time to show her gratitude to Clint Barton, her best friend. She’s leaving.
She begins to regret wanting to die.
She doesn’t want to leave her family, her chosen family she has worked to save the world with. They have so much potential and she is leaving them based on a pretty view and a split second decision. Does this count as sacrifice? Is she saving people? Is her ledger wiped clean?
It’s too late.
Tony’s calling for Thor, his lightning crackles through the air, disturbing the peace of the sky. They’re dropping, they're falling fast, Tony’s screaming and Natasha feels a rumble and then a sharp wave of energy hits her. She still clings to the cat as the energy flings her to the air.
Holy shit, she’s about to die.
“WHERE’S NAT?” Clint screams into the comms. She loves how he noticed. She feels less alone. He really is her best friend
“NAT?” He screams again. She wishes she had run to him. It's too late now, she sees a shape that is possibly Vision carrying who is likely Wanda in his arms. Thor had flown away, Tony was escaping. Natasha regrets staying behind. She’s alone without a goodbye to people she loves.
She switches to a private channel with Clint. “I’m sorry.” Is all she manages before the world around her is ripped apart. Her final moment is filled with the image of the Helicarrier eclipsing the sun. She saved those people. She has no blood on her hands if she is dying on a rock she helped other people escape from.
The blood from her ledger is clear and Natasha Romanoff may regret never saying goodbye but she died knowing she did her best to save others and herself. She hopes. She dies not entirely sure if she succeeded in wiping herself clean. She died too early, too unsure if she did enough.
She didn’t live long enough to hear Clint’s begging for her to live.