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Jiyong, Youngbae and Daesung arrived in Hong Kong on a late evening to the cacophonous cheers of fans and photographers. There was set to be an award show the following day and they’d been invited to turn the event into one of their concerts as they always did, and maybe to win an award or two. Their new album was an absolute success with fans and critics alike, with the latter fully cementing Jiyong’s own claims that BIGBANG was absolutely back. As such, every award show and event wanted the trio to be front and center to give them the attention they deserved.
When it was time to head to the venue for rehearsals, Jiyong was tired and anxious. Not only was this his first public appearance following his coming out with Soohyuk, but someone was here that he never imagined they would cross paths with again. Seunghyun, their former member and beloved hyung, had been announced as one of the presenters. It immediately caused a stir in the media. Journalists and bloggers alike wondered if, finally, T.O.P would grace the stage with BIGBANG again. Fans ran wild with theories and fights. Being as chronically online as he was, Jiyong saw it all. One particularly catty article made a call out to him directly: what could G-Dragon, the leader who tried his hardest to keep things together to no avail, be thinking right now?
His eyes twitched when he saw that article. It wasn't his fault Seunghyun didn't want to stay, no matter how many meetings he sat through, or how many times he begged the God he used to believe in to give them a break. Why was the blame being placed on him? He recalled the day everything became too much and, in a fit of drunk emotional hysterics, called Youngbae crying, asking if he failed them. Clearly not if they were all in agreement to keep moving forward.
“Are you okay?” Daesung asked, taking note that Jiyong seemed out of it and shockingly hadn’t ditched to smoke a cigarette.
“Not really,” Jiyong said bluntly. “Do you think we’re gonna see him?”
“Absolutely,” the maknae immediately answered. “It’s going to happen in some way. Watch our seating arrangements be close too.”
“Assuming he didn’t request to change them,” Jiyong muttered.
“I don’t think he’d do that, though, hyung. He seems okay these days.”
Daesung’s positivity was strong, but even he wasn’t sure about it. He had no contact with Seunghyun either and just prayed that he was spending his days in happiness after suffering for so long. There was no use for anger. He’d cried enough in private when he got cut off. He knew Jiyong’s relationship with Seunghyun was much different though, so maybe some bruises still remained.
“We don’t know for sure. We’ll just have to see.”
Daesung nodded. Despite the huge sunglasses Jiyong was wearing, he could read the unease on his face and body with no issue.
—
Seunghyun had arrived in Hong Kong the day of. As a presenter, there wasn’t much preamble to deal with regarding rehearsals. Most of the rehearsal time was spent on the performers anyways and he wasn’t going to stay past his time.
Back at his hotel, his glam team got his outfit and styling together. Everything was relatively simple, he wasn’t nearly as flashy as he used to be and truthfully didn’t want to be. He wasn’t an idol anymore, just a regular artist. It felt nice to not need those bells and whistles any longer.
As he got into his car, gingerly waving at the fans that gathered at the front of the hotel, a pit settled in his stomach. There was no way he wasn’t going to run into his former friends. He’d been mentally preparing himself all day for it, but something deep inside of him really hoped their paths didn’t cross. He wanted to avoid Jiyong especially, not out of hatred, but some of his most poignant memories came rushing back every time he saw that man. He’d shamelessly put an article about him blocking Jiyong on Instagram on his story all those years ago, too. No doubt there could be some hard feelings there.
Seunghyun leaned back into his seat and sighed deeply. He wasn’t sure if he should’ve agreed to this after all. Too late.
—
BIGBANG arrived back at the award show venue to even more shrieks and screams. They did their usual walkthroughs of the red carpet, being blinded by cameras and giving slight smiles as usual. They were led inside and guided to their seats in the artist area. All the other groups present immediately stood, just out of basic respect, though the starstruck look on their faces couldn’t be missed. The trio bowed to them all and took their seats, their juniors following suit.
Jiyong’s eyes darted around the space. The massive performance stage split the audience in half, with both sides having their own respective artist areas. Despite being his source of anxiety (that he was doing a fantastic job of not showing, appearing as stoic and icy), he couldn’t see Seunghyun anywhere at all. He figured he should’ve asked Soohyuk how those positions worked since he’d done them many times before. Youngbae caught Jiyong’s quickly moving eyes and placed a hand on his thigh, patting softly; a subtle gesture of comfort.
Seunghyun had arrived sometime later, the fans and photographers on the red carpet going just as crazy for him. In the back of his mind he knew there’d probably be some attention-seeking tabloid highlighting how he and his former members didn’t arrive together, crushing any hopes and dreams of fans still holding out hope. When he was led into the venue, he was seated in the artist section to the left half of the stage, bowing to the other artists and juniors who looked awe-struck by him. As he sat, he looked across the way to the other artist section and saw Youngbae, Daesung and Jiyong. They looked as stylish as ever.
The show began, the massive stadium crowd going absolutely apeshit for each performance and award announcement. Every time the screens announced that BIGBANG would be performing later in the evening, the cheers were beyond deafening. Seunghyun laughed to himself. He knew watching their performance was going to hurt in some way. Especially when he saw the trio being called away by staff.
As BIGBANG got ready backstage, their outfits were uncharacteristically dark. Leather, silver accents, chains here and there, in a vintage military style all provided by a French fashion house Youngbae had become the ambassador for and one Jiyong had his eye on for a long time. Daesung had joked that they looked like supervillains. Sometimes, Jiyong felt like one. So he performed like a bat out of hell.
For the most part, he kept his gaze fixated on the cameras as they followed the trio and their dancers around the stage. He occasionally gave a glance to a fan or two in the crowds, but his eyes avoided the other idols. It wasn’t their fault. He couldn’t look Seunghyun in the eye. It was especially difficult when they geared up for one of their hits, Sober, but Jiyong couldn't find him when he scanned the crowd. Maybe that was for the best.
Seunghyun had watched from the other artist area for at least half the set before staff called him over to get ready to present the final awards. He silently thanked them when he heard the first few notes of Sober. All these years later and, despite what he'd told himself, there was still a bit of pain.
—
When the trio finished their set, they were taken backstage to decompress and change. They bowed to the staff and few juniors that were around in the halls before retreating to their own green room for a while. Jiyong was handed a vaporizer as he slumped on to the couch, patting his sweaty face with a towel. Youngbae and Daesung joined him, passing the vaporizer around with staff providing fans and whatever else. Eventually, they changed their outfits and made their way back out to the artist area for the closing statements. They’d missed the final award categories.
The trio were ready to head back to the hotel and crash, honestly wondering if they could just say forget it and leave, but that would be rude. Jiyong, however, really needed a cigarette. He hadn’t had one in a days and the withdrawals were starting to annoy him. He told Youngbae and Daesung to go without him while he took Jaeho and went towards one of the doors to the roof.
His pace was quick. He just wanted to go out, smoke for maybe 15 minutes, and then he’d be great. He rummaged through the purse wrapped around his body to make sure he had his Marlboros on him, and then when he looked back up, his chest dropped.
Seunghyun was right down the hall.
Surrounded by staff, his makeup and hair being touched up, it was likely his attention was already in their hands. Jiyong could get past him without needing to worry that a conversation would strike. They're not friends anymore, after all. But even as he went by it felt like the world was slowing down against his will.
He didn't see, or at least tried not to see, Seunghyun glance at him and Jaeho as he kept his brisk pace. Jaeho gave a quick nod and smile but continued to follow Jiyong, who was already at the exit doors and pushing them open with his shoulder.
Jaeho stayed by the doors as Jiyong went to stand against the railing, pulling a cigarette and lighter from his purse. Holding the stick between his teeth, he flicked the lighter on, careful to cover it with his hands to avoid any breeze.
His hands were shaking.
Jiyong cursed under his breath, trying to get the stick to light and once it finally did, he took a deep inhale. Surely, the nicotine would help calm him down. Surely, the shakes were just from the alleged wind and the fact that he hadn't had a smoke in over a day. Surely.
He didn't turn around when he heard the doors behind him open. If there was a problem, Jaeho would've told whoever it was to fuck off, but he didn't, and Jiyong could hear steps coming closer. He took another drag, exhaling through his nose, and leaned over the railing of the rooftop, staring a hole into the street below. He hoped it was either Daesung or Youngbae coming to check on him, but he knew it wouldn't be. The person standing next to him now was too tall.
"You guys did great up there."
Jiyong's focus broke and he slowly cast his eyes up. Seunghyun was next to him, looking as stunning as ever despite his nervous smile. Jiyong smiled back in return, nodding.
"Thank you."
They both turned towards the street, quiet. They were entirely stumped on how to speak to each other. Jiyong decided to move first. He reached back into his purse, holding the cigarette pack towards Seunghyun.
"Do you still...?"
"Ah, not as much as I used to. Switched to vapes."
Jiyong made a noise of indifference, putting the smokes back. His mind briefly flashed to all the times they snuck off together to share a pack, whether it was on the rooftop of the YG building, the street by their dorm, or the hotel rooms on tour. His heart hurt.
"I'm surprised you attended," Jiyong said, blowing smoke away from their faces. "When you got announced on the lineup, I didn't believe it at first."
Seunghyun chuckled. "Only because it's Hong Kong. Had it been Korea, I would've declined."
"Remember when they used to hold these things in Korea? I feel like they haven't done it in years."
"The genre's gone global," Seunghyun pulled something from his pocket– his vape, Jiyong assumed –and also blew in the other direction. Jiyong could smell it. It smelled like cereal and he wanted to laugh at Seunghyun for picking such a ridiculous flavor but didn't know if he could or should.
"You're a part of that, you know," Jiyong said softly. "We... were a big part of that. So it's great seeing you get the respect you deserve."
He didn't want to take the conversation there out of fear of scaring Seunghyun off. This was their first time talking face to face in years. Even though Seunghyun was doing so much better, Jiyong was careful with his words.
"I'm just happy the crowd was receptive."
Seunghyun turned to Jiyong and smiled. That big, heavy-dimpled smile that Jiyong hadn't seen in years and his heart hurt again. He missed that smile so much, and even though it was right in front of him now, it just felt bittersweet.
He couldn't look at him too long. He took one last drag of his cigarette before killing the cherry on the railing and reached into his purse to put the crumpled butt back in its pack.
"Were you angry when I left?"
Jiyong let himself think for a few beats. His eyes briefly darted in the air before he answered. He hoped he didn’t sound bitter.
"Of course I was. More than anything, I wanted you to keep going with us. I would've done anything to keep you with us, but..."
Jiyong fiddled with his nails, still unable to look Seunghyun in the eye.
"It would've been selfish to keep you here."
To keep you with me, Jiyong thought.
Seunghyun nodded, his eyes still fixed on Jiyong, also watching him pick at his nails. He noticed his hands were shaky, more so than he remembered them being. Jiyong always had flippy, loose mannerisms, but this felt more like anxiety than anything else.
"You're the leader," Seunghyun replied. "You just wanted to keep things together. I can't fault you for feeling that way... but I'm sorry if I made things difficult."
A dry chuckle left Jiyong's lips.
"You have nothing to apologize for. You've apologized enough as is."
Jiyong ran a hand through his hair. He tried to think of something to keep the conversation going.
"How are you, though? Like, with everything that's been going on."
He already knew about Seunghyun's activities through social media-- his acting career taking off again, his albums being well received, his relationship with Nana being steady and sweet for almost over a year now. But he didn't know how Seunghyun must've been feeling underneath all that and that's what he hoped would come across. Instagram can only do so much.
"It's been really good," Seunghyun replied, his smile softening. "I think for my age and everything, I'm at a great point in my life. It feels great to have that after my thirties were all over the place."
Jiyong nodded, smiling in return.
"What about you?" Seunghyun took another hit of his vape, blowing the smoke in the opposite direction. "BIGBANG's killing it again, and I saw you and Soohyuk..."
Jiyong gave an expression of surprise.
"I'm shocked you heard about that. Don’t you block out all the news about me?"
Seunghyun chuckled lightly, not missing the slight bite in that last part.
"Come on, you're G-Dragon. Nothing you do goes unnoticed."
Jiyong shrugged.
"Things are good here too," he said. "The group's got more performances coming up, we’re happy to be busy. Soohyuk and I have Fashion Week soon and I know people are itching to see all of that."
Seunghyun put his vape back in his pocket and leaned against the roof's railing. He remembered Nana showing him the article that Soohyuk went and made it official that he and Jiyong were dating, and the first thing she did was congratulate them both. She tiptoed around the idea of Seunghyun doing the same knowing the tenure of their friendship, stressing that the levels of backlash they could get may be too much, even for Jiyong, and he could use the support. Seunghyun told her he'd reach out. He never did. He couldn't bring himself to. It all just made him remember his and Jiyong's secret trips, the subtle ways of letting their relationship sneak by unnoticed, and the one night at a ryokan where Jiyong was laying on his chest telling him how badly he wished they could just be open.
"I didn't think you'd ever come out, honestly. Both of you. It's brave."
"Wouldn't be my first time having to be brave for the media."
They fell silent then. The both of them were silently kicking themselves. Over twenty years of friendship between them and yet they couldn’t find a way out of stale air like they used to. As Seunghyun looked at Jiyong, memories came trickling back to him. All their time in clubs and cars and museums together, the stages they had, when one would randomly show up at the other’s house to spend the night. They shared so much art and music between them back then. Truly, those days were beautiful, even if they sometimes made him sad to look back on. He wondered if Jiyong felt the same.
Jiyong could feel Seunghyun’s eyes on him. Despite how great things were going now, he wanted to tell Seunghyun how much he missed him. He knew Seunghyun made his choice and there was nothing more to it, but Jiyong really did miss him. He missed hearing his laugh, sharing new designs on shoes with him, or sending stupid memes to each other. He missed the late nights they spent just being in each other’s company, drunk or sober, wrapped in Seunghyun’s arms and finally feeling home somewhere. It almost felt wrong to look back on all that now.
Seunghyun cleared his throat, snapping the both of them out of their thoughts.
“I’m glad you guys didn’t give up.”
Jiyong’s head rose and his eyes finally met Seunghyun’s.
“It’s been a lot. We’re no strangers to controversy, but… those last few years really did feel like the end. I just couldn’t help but feel like I played a part in that in some way.”
“We would’ve bounced back no matter what,” Jiyong said. “You know we would’ve done whatever it took.”
“But still.” Seunghyun propped himself up from the railing. “It didn’t feel the same for me. The more I thought back to old times, the worse I felt. I couldn’t put myself or you or any of us through that. But that’s why I’m glad you guys came back.”
Seunghyun got closer, resting a hand on Jiyong’s. Jiyong froze, his heart hammering hard. His eyes stung all of a sudden.
“You proved nothing can stop you. You all came back better than ever. I don’t think any of our peers would’ve been able to come back the way you guys did. You’re strong. Be proud of that, I mean it.”
Seunghyun’s hand went to Jiyong’s shoulder. He could feel Jiyong shaking. He turned, about to walk away.
“I think my staff is freaking out about where I am. You should go back to Youngbae and Daesung too. They’re probably worried sick by now.”
His hand left as soon as it came, slumping down by his side.
“Take care of yourself, okay?”
Seunghyun began to leave. Before he could fully go, he heard Jiyong make a noise. It stopped him in his tracks.
When he spoke, Jiyong's voice was small, cracked.
"Hyung?"
Seunghyun flinched. He hadn't heard Jiyong call him that in God knows how long. His head flooded with memories of Jiyong saying it with excitement, annoyance, cut in between his loud and high laughter... moments where he said it with affection and real, unabashed passion. Now here he was, saying it like it was painful to.
He turned to look back at the younger man. Jiyong's eyes were reddened and glassy, biting his bottom lip to keep it from trembling. Whatever was left of that strong front he had up this whole time was crumbling down.
"I'm proud of you too," he said, his voice wavering. "I mean that. I don't know if it means anything to you, or if we're ever going to speak again after this, but... please don't forget that."
Seunghyun swallowed hard. Seeing Jiyong look so broken up was agony. Jiyong seldom showed that type of side to people, he wouldn't dare do it back in the day, keeping his strong leader image up for the sake of everybody else. But in the few instances where Jiyong finally broke down, it was one of the worst feelings in the world, a situation where you almost didn't know what to do to help.
Seunghyun wanted to reach out to him, grab him and hold him close like he used to, but he just... couldn't anymore.
"I'm proud of you, and I love you," Jiyong's voice thinned out at the end. He squeezed his eyes shut. They burned from the mascara, the eyeshadow, from looking at Seunghyun for a final time. "I always will. I'm sorry."
Jiyong turned back to the railing, slumping over it with his head in his hands, propped up on his elbows. He probably said too much. But it needed to come out.
Seunghyun’s eyes widened slightly before casting to the floor and letting out a shaky exhale. Jiyong wasn't looking at him anymore but he was on the verge of tears as well, trying to blink them away to no avail, using the sleeve of his suit jacket instead. He spoke as clearly as he could manage.
"Thank you, Jiyong. It means a lot."
As Seunghyun walked away he wondered if he would regret not doing anything more in that moment for the rest of his life.
Jiyong stayed at the railing, listening to Seunghyun's footsteps get further away for one last time, and when the doors to stadium hall opened and shut he couldn't hold back his sobs anymore. That was it. The last conversation they ever had. Just two former best friends and lovers reduced to complete strangers. Jiyong cried so hard he felt sick, sinking to his knees. He could hear Jaeho coming towards him, gently pulling him up to his feet again and letting him cry on to his shoulder.