Chapter Text
Sean opened up the fridge, his eyes darting around.
“Connor, I swear to God,” Sean muttered under his breath, closing the door.
Sean opened the cabinet, seeing a 12-pack of off-brand soda labeled, “Ron Mart Diet Cola.”
“Dude, I'm just gonna get a mini-fridge at this point, this is stupid” Sean yelled, sitting the soda on the counter. “I told him SPECIFICALLY not to put them in the cabinet.”
Sean walked up to a cabinet by the oven and grabbed a glass. He sat it by the soda on the counter, slowing his breathing. He opened up the fridge to get ice, but as he reached into the freezer at the top his hand disappeared.
“He told me he removed that!” Sean yelled in frustration.
He knocked his fist on the next surface he felt, hearing the sound above the oven in the microwave.
“I thought we had ‘no portals’ in the house rules,” Sean frantically muttered under his breath.
“Dude, stop with the yelling,” William called out from the living room.
“Sorry, dude,” Sean said, projecting his voice. “Forgot you were asleep.”
“It's cool,” William yelled back.
“What's the problem?” Connor asked, walking into the kitchen.
“You!” Sean responded, taking his hand out and closing the fridge door. “You forgot to take the microwave portal out!”
“I thought YOU were the big prodigy back in high school, why don't you fix it?” Connor asked, sounding annoyed.
“It's the principle,” Sean answered. “I can't do every last chore around here, plus, you added that portal in the first place! Also, not a prodigy.”
“Well, I was busy playing League,” Connor said in a matter-of-fact tone, walking over to the fridge. “Geez stop asking for me to do stuff all the time,”
“I only ask you for a lot of stuff so you can make up for the stuff you didn't do last time!” Sean yelled as Connor walked away from the fridge. “Also, my magic-removing tools are in the garage.”
Connor walked away from the fridge as prompted while Sean waited in the kitchen. When Connor walked back in, he was holding a large bag of ice.”
“Are you serious?” Sean asked as Connor walked over to the fridge. “That won't work.”
“Oh, it will,” Connor responded, opening the door and ripping the bag open.
Connor threw the ice from the bag into the ice area of the freezer.
“See?” Sean asked. “It disappeared.”
“I know,” Connor replied, walking back over to the cabinet where Sean got his glass.
Connor opened the cabinet door and grabbed a metal bowl. He held it up under the microwave, a few feet forward. He turned on the microwave for 5 seconds, hearing crackling from inside.
“Watch this, easy water,” Connor exclaimed.
As the alarm beeped and he opened the microwave door, water poured into the bowl, spilling out.
“Dude, you are GOING to break our microwave,” Sean commented as Connor slurped up the ice.
–Mind Blender–
Sean was sitting down in the living room, scrolling through options on the TV with William.
“So you think we should watch Nathan Gacrowski’s Big Blowout or Tales of the Naughty Little Preacher Boy?” Sean asked.
“What on Earth are you talking about?” William asked
“I don't know dude,” Sean responded. “All we have is free streaming services, so I guess we can enjoy Dubious.”
“But, like, I'm sure there are better movies on there,” said William.
“I don't know, dude,” Sean replied. “Those are the 2 highest rated movies on the service, tied at 1.5 star rating.”
“Out of 5?” William asked.
“Out of 23,” Sean corrected. “You should be grateful that I bought Dubious Xtreme. It's still free, but you have to sign a contract in your blood that has something to do with Satan. It's worth it though, it gives you, like, 2.37 percent less ads.”
“Do we have anything else besides Dubious?” William asked, rubbing his eyes.
“Dude, I told you to stop getting high in the morning,” Sean responded. “And yes, we do. The thing is, we can't use them.”
“What do you mean?” William asked. “Did you uninstall them?”
“No, Dubious won't let me,” Sean answered.
“Shut up about whatever y'all are talking about, we're gonna be rich!” Connor yelled, walking into the room.
“Dude, my ears are ringing right now, can you not?” William requested.
“Who cares, see a doctor, or a priest if you're religious,” Connor demanded. “Either way, if you can't handle my hashtag mind blow vibes, get out of this room!”
“Don't have to tell me twice,” William said, already getting up and leaving his bag of mysterious powder behind.
“I wonder what's in that bag,” Sean said in a monotone voice. “Maybe we'll do a Who's That Pokemon thing, except it's, ‘What’s That Narcotic,’ instead.”
“Shut it, chump,” Connor instructed, grabbing a box from behind the couch which was not there before. “Look at this box I just got from behind the couch.”
“Yeah, cool, I guess,” Sean responded, failing to sound interested. “So are we going to investigate that bag or not?”
“I bet right now you're thinking, ‘What's in that box, and I want to begin a homosexual relationship with Connor,’ or something along those lines,” said Connor.
“Nope, not even close,” Sean interrupted bluntly. “Say it in 20 words or less, I'm GOING to open that bag.”
“Now, I will open this box to reveal something crazy, insane, wild, and extraordinary that gives off a ton of hashtag mind blow vibes,” Connor exclaimed, attempting to hype up Sean.
“Is that, like, a new catchphrase orrrr,” Sean asked. “Also, it gives off a lot more than vibes, that thing smells vile.”
“Oh, you'll see why in a moment,” Connor cryptically responded. “Or not, it isn't definite.”
“Is that a hint?” Sean asked.
Connor turned the box upside down, and Sean heard a thump.
“It sounds like something is in there,” Sean pointed out, his hand slowly inching toward the box.
Connor opened the box, and out fell a dead cat.
“Connor, what the hell?” Sean asked, getting distracted from the bag.
“Ah, yes, as you can see, it WAS a hint!” Connor explained. “It’s all a part of my new business: Schrödinger’s C.A.T.S: Cats of Ambiguous Time and State.”
“Are you going insane?” Sean asked, sounding slightly concerned.
“Not at all, my dear,” Connor answered with a spontaneous old-timey accent.
“You're convincing me more and more that you're lying about that,” Sean replied.
“Let me explain the business,” Connor began, dropping the accent. “I'll say I'm selling Schrödinger’s Cats. I'll mail people boxes, and they'll be all like, “I wonder if it'll be alive or dead, since it's both and neither at the same time,” when receive it-”
“Thanks for explaining to the audience,” said Sean
“But in reality,” Connor continued. “It wasn't a legit Schrödinger’s Cat, it was always dead. I've been going to this alley and getting dead cats there bi-weekly. In fact, it's honestly creepy how many cats die in that alley, it's like an inventory restock. Then, I put the cats in the boxes and mail them, just gotta remember to disable customer reviews.”
“You're sick,” Sean responded.
“No, don't worry, I got my Covid shots,” Connor clarified.
“That's not what I- ah, forget it,” Sean said. “Besides, who do you even expect to buy this, it's an obvious scam.”
“People who think they're smart for knowing what Schrödinger’s Cat is,” Connor answered. “Basically, people who watch Rick and Morty and call women, ‘females.’”
“Oh, that makes sense,” Sean replied. “Still, I'm not gonna help you Needful Things these people.”
“Dude, if they're buying something this sketchy they're basically asking for it,” Connor defended. “And I know for a FACT that you haven't read Needful Things, so what do you know about it? Still probably more than me, but still…”
“Well, I haven't technically read it,” Sean began. “But I saw the Rick and Morty episode.”
“Oh… okay,” Connor replied. “. . .Wanna buy a box-”
“NO!”
“Hey guys,” said William, walking into the room. “I've gotten higher, is Tales of the Naughty Little Preacher Boy still an option?”
“I feel like I missed something,” Connor added.
“Dude, what's in the bag?” Sean asked, not caring about what Connor said at all.
“Oh, it's some of that pixie dust I stole from the drug store inside of the corner store inside of the drug store,” William answered. “It's so crazy bro, my friend Chad smoked it yesterday and instantly fell into a coma.”
“Nice, can I smoke some?” Connor requested.
“Heh heh,” William chuckled. “Never say some stupid crap like that again.”
“Oh, okay, sorry,” Connor stammered.
“And no, Tales of the Naughty Little Preacher Boy is NOT still an option,” Sean said. “It isn't on Dubious anymore, it's an hourly rotation.”
“Well, I'll be off,” Connor announced. “Don't wait up… ha, uh, anybody? No takers? Guys, y-you can come if you want, guys.”
“Alright, so do you wanna watch Epic Mandy Blows Up a School, Garminio Jones and Nominino Nock in Hell, The Godfather, or I Just Killed my Wife, Let's Party?” Sean asked William, ignoring Connor once again.
“Wait, did you just say The Godfather?” William questioned.
“Oh, sorry, looks like they killed The Godfather, guess we can't watch it,” Sean corrected.
“What does that even mean?” William asked.
“Dubious, it killed The Godfather,” Sean answered. “The movie, it's dead.”
“No, what does that mean?” William asked, to no avail.
This went on for a few more minutes, and they concluded that Dubious killed The Godfather.
Meanwhile, Connor was off to the alley, but he didn’t see any cats.
“Huh, that’s weird,” said Connor. “Is someone else taking these cats?”
“Why would someone else take them?” Sean asked.
“Yippee, Sean I missed you I missed you so Sean-y boy!” Connor yelled excitedly. “I mean, uh, someone else might be running an identical business.”
“No, I think you and your business are too, uh, ‘special’ for that,” Sean replied. “Maybe the cats have just gone somewhere else. I know a good cat corpse seller down the street.”
“Really?” Connor asked, stars in his eyes.
“No, what kind of idiot would start a cat corpse-selling business?” Sean answered.
“Yeah, you’re right, that would be pretty silly,” Connor confirmed. “...Wait a sec-”
“HEY, YOU TWO!” an angry man screamed. “YOU MUST BE THE SCHRÖDINGER’S PEOPLE!”
“Yeah,” said Connor.
“No,” said Sean.
“Who are you?” Connor asked. “If you’re an angry customer, remember, it’s just bad luck. Like divorces.”
“No, I’m not an angry customer!” the man screamed. “I’m Erwin Schrödinger’s great grandson, Jakerson Schrödinger, and I inherited his knowledge. Paired with some pixie dust from the drug store inside of the corner store inside of the drug store, I gained the ability to create Schrödinger’s cats.”
“Oh, it isn’t just for smoking,” Connor realized.
“Well yeah, if it was made for smoking, why would it put you in a coma?” Sean asked. “Think, Connor, think.”
“SILENCE!” Jakerson yelled. “I began selling Schrödinger’s Cats in boxes, and business was booming! However, you made YOUR fake Schrödinger’s Cat business, but because yours had better advertising-”
“Fliers,” Connor interrupted.
“Yes, more fliers,” Jakerson corrected. “People began only buying from YOUR business, possibly because they confused it with mine. The reason the dead cats you got for your scam were even HERE were because they were thrown away by angry customers from my business who didn’t get live ones.”
“Yup, they’re probably gonna get divorced,” Connor added.
“So, what’s your point?” Sean asked. “William is high at home with Dubious, and I don’t want him discovering the Chamumpgagins franchise.”
“Well, I want you to close down your business,” Jakerson demanded.
“Personally, I LOVE that idea,” said Sean.
“No, I will NOT close my masterpiece business down because of one angry rival!” Connor announced, standing his ground.
“Dude, just tap out, this guy is smarter and probably stronger than you in every way,” Sean advised.
“NEVER!” Connor yelled.
“Alright,” Jakerson responded, composed.
Jakerson began waving his fingers at Connor, and an open box appeared below Connor’s feet on the ground, with purple light coming from inside of it. Connor was dragged down into the box, and it closed down with Connor fully inside, despite Connor not possibly being able to fit inside of it.
“Mwahaha,” Jakerson said in a monotone voice. “You don’t know if Connor is alive or dead until you open this box!”
Sean looked down at the box, then over at Jakerson, then back at the box.
“I’m not doing this,” Sean said, getting a gun out of his jacket and shooting Jakerson in the side.
“OH, DEAR GOD HELP!” Jakerson exclaimed. “Om Mani Padme Hum! Modeh Ani! Ave Satanas!”
“Dude, what did you expect?” Sean asked, picking up the box and walking away.
Meanwhile, William was at an arcade playing pinball.
“Dude, this Chamumpgagins-themed pinball machine is awesome,” William exclaimed, slurring his words.
“Uh, that’s a Back to the Future pinball machine, but you’re doing great,” said an astonished employee. “In fact, I’m pretty sure this is the highest score we’ve ever gotten from that machine.”
“Heh, cool,” William responded, turning to look at the employee. “Dude, are my eyes red?”
“Uh… a little,” the employee answered, looking at William’s blood-red eyes. “Wait, how are you playing perfectly without looking?”
“Heh, professionals don’t reveal their secrets,” said William. “I don’t know mine, either.”
Little did William know, 3 guys were secretly watching him from far away.
“Crap,” said the first guy. “That guy’s gonna beat my high score!”
“Wow Johnson, we should show him who’s boss,” said the second guy.
“Why would we show him our boss, Jeff?” asked the third guy.
“Shut up, Kyle,” Johnson commanded.
“Sorry, sir!” Kyle said frantically.
“Heh, you better be for messing with The Big J!” said Jeff.
“Let’s show this guy who runs the arcade,” Johnson decided, smirking.
“Seriously, why does this guy need to meet everyone’s boss?” Kyle asked.
“No, we’re gonna, like, pound him to a pulp, or something along those lines,” Johnson clarified.
“Hah, great idea, boss,” said Jeff. “I love you, platonically.”
“I love you platonically, too,” Johnson replied.
“Group hug!” Kyle exclaimed.
The 3 then had a big, tight group hug.
“Alright, let’s do this thing!” Johnson commanded.
They then all stood up and began snapping at William as they walked toward him, Johnson in front and the other two behind him at his sides.
“Wowwie, the flipper flipped the ball,” William pointed out.
“Yes, yes it did,” the employee confirmed, wiping his watering eyes. “Uh-oh, that’s the Gamer 3, the scariest game in the whole darn arcade! I gotta get outta here!”
The employee then ran off quickly, revealing the ‘Gamer 3’ moving toward William in formation.
“Hey, loser,” Johnson called out, ceasing the snapping. “Where’d you come from, loser? Losertown? Nyeh heh heh!”
“Nyeh heh heh,” Jeff and Kyle laughed in unison right after.
“Oh, hey,” William greeted. “Hey, has anyone ever told you that you kinda look like, uh, the guy… the guy, from the… uh…”
“Shut it, bub!” Johnson ordered. “Boys, what time is it?”
“A capella time, yes siree!” Jeff and Kyle answered in unison.
Kyle then began snapping rhythmically in double-time with one hand and beatboxing with the other.
“Ba, ba-ba dub, ba-ba dub, ba,” Jeff began scatting repeatedly.
“Heh,” said Johnson, preparing for the song. “Well, it’s been a long time since we got new meat-”
Meanwhile, Sean was in the garage with the box containing Connor on a table. Sean was tinkering with a massive, advanced computer.
“God, this idiot,” Sean muttered. “Always getting himself into trouble.”
Sean finished working on the computer and slammed it shut, no longer revealing the inner workings. Sean slid back across the floor in his wheeled office chair, stopping himself by grabbing the edge of the table. He turned on the computer, waiting for the screen to turn on.
“Why am I even going through the trouble to help this guy?” Sean asked under his breath. “I could just revive him if I wanted to, but this might be easier.”
The computer finally turned on, revealing a massive red circle in the middle of the screen with the word, “VIEW,” inside of it in white. Sean moved the cursor to click the circle, and it began showing statistics. One stat was titled, “State,” which was labeled as, “Alive.” Sean exhaled and walked over to the box, opening it up. Connor came flying out of it.
“I’m not paying my share of the rent this month,” Sean bluntly stated.
“Ha… ha… ha…” said a labored voice, barely forcing an evil laugh.
Sean looked over to see Jakerson stomping into the garage, bleeding out.
“Prepare… to… oh dear god… die,” Jakerson attempted to exclaim.
“Dude, I can help you if you want,” Sean offered. “Trying to kill this guy really isn’t that bad of an offense.”
“Please help, my arm is stuck in the roof,” Connor begged.
“No, I… won’t… accept your p-pi-pit…”
Jakerson then fell to the ground, dying.
“Oh, for Darwin’s sake,” Sean muttered, walking off to grab a ladder and needle.
Meanwhile, the ‘Gamer 3’ were still going.
“So what’s-your-name, you’re really lame,” Johnson sang. “If you don’t leave this arcade, we’re gonna maim!”
“Dude, I didn’t steal your Christmas presents,” William informed them after they finished the song.
“What are you talking abou- who cares, this is probably a high-level manipulation tactic,” said Johnson. “Anyway, get out of this arcade, NOW!”
“No thanks, dude,” said William. “I am NOT interested in talking about our lord and savior Jesus Christ, but I respect your religion.”
“Grr, I’ll sock ya’ one,” Johnson growled.
10 MINUTES LATER, NEW YORK CITY
Johnson stood on the top of the building, his red cape blowing in the wind, with his back turned to William.
“We don’t have to do this, Johnson,” William called out. “You can still end this, we don’t have to fight. Don’t you see it? This is what Dark Triangle wants. This is what they all want, for the cycle of death and violence to continue. If we stick together, we can still stop them, and put an end to Count Shadow’s evil plan!”
“Save it, kid,” Johnson commanded. “We’re past talk.”
Johnson thrust his cutlass out to his side from behind his cape and slowly turned his head toward William.
“And it’s Slayer, now,” Johnson informed, staring William down.
“JOHNSON, STOP!” a familiar voice yelled.
Johnson turned to see Kyle crawling up to the top of the building. He dropped his cutlass.
“K-Kyle? Is it really you?” Johnson asked.
“Yes, it’s me,” Kyle confirmed. “I know we lost Jeff… I’ll miss him, too, but we can’t turn on each other. It-it wasn’t William’s fault… it was mine.”
“WHAT?” William exclaimed.
“Yes… and I’m not proud of it,” said Kyle. “I was scared, cowardly. I thought the only way to survive Dark Triangle was to sell our location with them, sparing myself in return.”
“Kyle… you couldn’t,” Johnson whispered, tears in his eyes.
“We lost Jeff, but that doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself,” said Kyle. “Come on, Johnson, this isn’t you… let’s stop Count Shadow and Dark Triangle-together.”
“I’m sorry…” Johnson responded. “But it’s too late for me…”
Johnson fell backwards off of the building, causing Kyle to run across it in a second and catch Johnson.
“Come on, I’ll pull you up!” Kyle yelled, his voice strained.
But suddenly, the cutlass pierced Kyle's chest.
“Heh… hashtag Dark Triangle 4ever,” said Jeff, holding the cutlass.
Kyle and Johnson both tumbled off of the roof as Jeff smiled maniacally, throwing the cutlass off.
“And as for you,” Jeff began, walking over to the other side of the roof, where William was barely holding onto the roof by his fingertips. “Say your prayers, except you can’t because your hands are taken.”
Jeff stomped on William’s fingers, and William fell off of the roof. Everything felt like it slowed down, almost as if time stopped. The thing is, that’s really what happened.
“God, you start a business one time and I have to save 3 lives,” said Sean.
“What’s happening?” Connor asked, falling back down onto the ground.
“I checked on William’s location using my surveillance satellite and saw he was falling off a building,” Sean explained. “Remember when you brought home that device that sped up time to prank William? I reverse-engineered it to slow down time to a halt for everyone else, basically stopping time.”
“How do you do these things?” Connor asked.
“It’s pretty easy,” Sean replied. “Weirdly, though, I seem to be the only one who understands these simple things. Now, let’s go save William, and those other people who tumbled off of that building.”
They both ran out of the garage into Sean’s light-speed jet, flying across the country into New York. As Sean positioned it right below William, he unfroze time, causing William to fall in.
“Wow, what happened?” William asked.
“No time, entering light speed,” Sean announced.
They flew around the entire tower at light speed and went down to catch Johnson and Kyle, leaving Jeff alone at the top of the skyscraper.
“Hey everybody,” said Connor. “I know you two don’t know me, but I’m Connor, and you’ve just entered the Con-Jet!”
“Con is right,” Sean added.
Sean had Connor take the wheel while he grabbed some healing spray that was lying on the ground and sprayed it on Kyle, healing his stab wound instantly.
“You’re welcome,” said Sean.
They dropped Johnson and Kyle back off at the arcade as if nothing ever happened, though they took William home and banned him from that arcade. As they entered the house, William plopped himself back down on the couch and turned on Chamumpgagins 4: The Second-To-Last Chamumpgagins Chapter Before Chamumpgagins: The Final Chapter, Which Comes After Chamumpgagins 4, Also Known As The Second-To-Last One Before This One. A few seconds later, Sean sat down beside him in the same place he sat that morning. He cracked open a Ron Mart Diet Cola and sighed.
“Okay.”