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stiles wants to be one of those guys that have always known they were a guy. he wants to be one of those guys that loudly declare that they love football and fast cars and building shit because that is what guys do.
guys drink beer and eat two servings of hamburgers. guys hit on women without a care if they want it and stare at others and gawk at them. guys yell 'no homo!' and 'that's so gay!' so they're seen as a straight. not one of those nasty homosexuals.
guys have sex and enjoy their body without a care. guys masturbate and talk about it loudly when no one cares.
guys have dicks.
but stiles didn't always know he was a man. or, at least, doesn't remember a time when he thought he was a girl, but didn't think himself a man. he doesn't really remember anything about his gender identity until middle school when he figures out that not all people that are called girls are actually girls and not all people that are guys are actually guys.
well actually it goes a little more he didn't know that not all people assigned male at birth were guys. because there is no information for him--feeling not quite right as a girl and feeling more like a guy. instead he gets trapped into wikipedia black holes about trans women and the surgeries it takes for them to considered 'real women'.
he even comes home one day to find a family friend at their house, looking up videos of these surgeries for trans women. the first time he hears anything about trans men is when the family friend proudly declares he would never date a man with a 'frakencock'.
his first attempt at coming out is weird. he doesn't tell his mom he's a trans man. he tells his mom he's gay but not in the way she thinks because at that time he didn't even know the words 'trans man' was a thing. it's not until he discovers forum sites when he discovers words like 'trans men' and 'binding' that doesn't involve school supplies.
he asks his mom to go to therapy but it doesn't go out well. he doesn't even think he needs therapy, he just knows that through his poor googling skills he might need therapy to become a boy. and he really want to become a boy.
he doesn't meet with his first therapist until he is 16. she is nice, even if she isn't that well informed. they mostly talk about his anxiety problems and his lack of coping methods but it's nice to talk to someone every once in a while.
his mom ruins it for him. she took an 'abnormal psychology' class forever ago and thinks she knows everything about being trans. she asks if it's because their nanny left (whom stiles doesn't remember at all). he asks if it's because his dad isn't around much (whom stiles sees anyway). she asks if it's because his grandfather died (even though stiles doesn't even remember his actual name besides 'grandpa moose' because that part of his life came before he knew he was a boy so he doesn't remember it at all).
stiles doesn't go back to her after a while and just forgets about it soon after and just lives life as a girl.
it's high school when he has his first real relationship. stiles is 14 while his significant other is 17 going on 18. stiles thought it was really cool at the time but wishes he didn't invest himself so much now.
when his significant other tells him that they like to wear dresses, stiles takes it as that. it's not until a month later that stiles comes out to them and things get sorted out that they both feel the same way.
though they never really talk about it ever again so stiles doesn't really know if they prefer girl pronouns or boy pronouns. he just knows that they understand what he's going though and he's so, so happy until their relationship gets sexual.
his significant other doesn't seem to mind their body so much that stiles doesn't mind giving them blow jobs. he enjoys it really until it gets to the point where he doesn't enjoy doing it as much as his significant other wants him to but he sucks it up anyway because the point of boyfriends is for sex.
well, until he ends up crying about it and his significant other's response is for him to stop being so flirty and touchy. stiles doesn't really know how to respond to that because he's always been a touchy person. that's who he was and he ends up taking the message as 'you need to stop being so flirty or else i can't help myself and you'll have to because you turned me on so much.'
though that isn't really the end of the problems.
stiles doesn't like his vagina. he doesn't, not at all and he tells his significant other this. but his significant other doesn't really listen and fingers him twice anyway even though he told them not to. one time his significant other asked to look at his vagina one time and wouldn't stop saying please until stiles opened his legs a little bit to show them.
now he kinda feels dirty about it whenever he remembers.
and he always feels like a fraud when he says he was in an 'unhealthy sexual relationship' about it because that's not unhealthy. it was a perfectly fine one and he is just being a baby because he can't accept the consequence of his actions.
the worst part wasn't even about that. stiles could deal with that. it's was one night, after a football game probably, the two of them were sitting in his significant other's car, just outside his house. the ride home had been dead silent. stiles wasn't sure if he had done something wrong or if they were just in a poor mood.
they got to talking somehow and the only thing stiles remembers from that conversation is his significant other telling him that they 'weren't comfortable dating a boy.'
it had really been like a bucket of water to him because he had come out early in their relationship and they were pushing a year of being together. thinking back on it now, stiles really wonders what his ex thought of him since it couldn't have been as a boy? or else they wouldn't broken up? but they didn't break up after that either. at that point stiles' entire thought process was 'well if someone who feels the same way as me doesn't want to date me, who will?'
stiles is glad they moved away and they broke up.
it's not really until college that he comes out. on the internet he is fine because he can just go by stiles and say he's a boy and no one will question him. but in real life, it's a different story.
the first person he comes out to his online. because he doesn't type everywhere that he's trans. he puts little bits and pieces out that if people connected the dots, sure they would figure it out, but he just says he's a boy and goes with it.
allison is a saint though. she is an online friend that lives all the way in canada. it's a really funny story how they became friends but stiles puts her at the top of his friend's list even if she lives over 2,000 miles away in the 'texas of canada'.
the first people he comes out to in real life are almost like test subjects to him. he enjoys them as friends but thinks he could go on without them if they didn't accept him.
is a girl he has known since middle school, but lost touch with, lydia and this other guy jackson. lydia is a shining beacon of perfection just like allison and is perfect about it all. stiles feels terrible for thinking of lydia as a throw away friend.
jackson called him a woman the day after stiles told him. he still used female pronouns. at one point in time he used stiles' birth name in lieu of pronouns even though stiles gave jackson another name to use.
everything hit the fan when jackson wrote 'cunt' on his whiteboard and tried to act like he didn't do it.
stiles wants to come out to scott but scott is his best friend. but god damn can scott get on his nerves. scott is asking him about his opinion on things asking for the 'ladies' side of him. asking if he likes bridesmaids because it's 'girl humor'.
girl.
girl.
girl.
stiles doesn't want to be angry at him, because scott does think he is a girl. to scott he is a girl and he can't change that without coming out but at the same time coming out is the most terrifying thing he could do.
stiles wrote his senior paper on how despite the idea that the lgbt community is gaining rights, the trans community is still far behind. discussing this with a friend of his, another boy that stiles had talked to every once in a while literally told stiles:
'if you ever came out as trans we couldn't be friends anymore.'
that's the only scene that plays through his head when he thinks about telling scott. that scott will ditch him when stiles is irrationally codependent upon scott and he isn't really sure what he would do without the guy.