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Wenlang had been running for most of his life. He had ran from his alpha father and his fury, the quiet rage bubbling under the man’s skin, ready to burst at the sight of his no good son. If he wasn’t a proper alpha, he wouldn’t be anything at all, that made sure with cruel fists and lashes on his back. So he ran - hid from every possibility of a beating, from all weaknesses, from all temptations potentially leading to not being a proper alpha.
Running always came with a price. Sometimes it was being lonely, sometimes missing on opportunities, sometimes throwing away his dreams in stead of what was supposed to be correct. It made for a lonely childhood, no friends around him to keep him from running, to shield him from all the darkness he ran from. It also made him someone people were afraid of, too scared to come close and get through the darkness shrouding him.
That was until he met Gao Tu.
Gao Tu was a quiet, unassuming student in the same school, and for some unknown reason Wenlang couldn’t not approach him. It was only a paper plane thrown from far away that brought them together into a dance that was strange, but still comforting. At least for Wenlang.
Despite his quietness Gao Tu was more company than anyone ever had been for him, eventually sharing gentle conversations with him, and the more he had the chance to know the gentle beta, the more Wenlang got attached.
Still he never told even Gao Tu of everything waiting for him at home, of all the running, instead deciding to focus more on the fact that he had someone he could at least attempt to call a friend. Someone who didn’t flinch away from his eyes, but instead stayed, if hesitantly.
Ten years they ended up staying close to each other, Gao Tu even following him to work for him as his secretary. The running had lessened by then, his father eventually more satisfied with his choices and accolades. There never was any praise, though. Just wordless promise of less of a beating, or no beating at all. It was all he could hold on to in the midst of all his fighting to be better, to be worth something, to be a proper alpha.
Being a proper alpha and following his father's example meant utter disdain towards omegas - their scents, their schemes, all the neediness and weaknesses. Even if deep inside him he wasn’t a hateful person, the way he was raised and brought up as an alpha painted him into something else. A strong, capable alpha, who didn’t need or want an omega of his own. Someone who sneered at the scent of heat, at soft curves and seductive gazes, cruel words slipping from his lips even at the presence of his secretary. It only got worse when he thought there was an omega between him and his secretary.
It wasn’t as if he had ever thought of Gao Tu as anything else than his friend, yet somehow he still found himself furious at the thought of someone needy and weak clinging onto him. It didn’t feel right, the faint scent of sage driving him crazy when it gently wafted from his secretary. Crazy enough to bark hurtfully even to him, alpha instincts somehow wanting to push the omega farther away from the gentle, unassuming beta.
In hindsight, he probably should’ve known earlier it wasn’t just friendly jealousy. There were many things he should’ve known, though, what ever denial and idiotism making him skip obvious clues. He had failed to notice the growing distance between him and his secretary, too - not to mention his world spinning on his head when he ended up in a rut due to a careless, unknown omega. The same omega he ended up bedding, and to his horror, enjoying.
The urge to run had gotten stronger and stronger, little by little - until the fateful day, when his secretary resigned.
There had been nothing he could do. Gao Tu had made his decision, hurtfully refusing to talk about it or even spend more time around him than necessary. Wenlang hadn’t understood why. Not until he was approached by a man presenting himself as Gao Tu’s father, bringing news and a proposition he didn’t want to hear.
Everything he had known about his friend had been a lie, for his beta friend wasn’t a beta at all, not to mention the omega he spent his rut with hadn’t been unknown at all. It was all Gao Tu, an omega, who had now left his side for good. Despite all his tries, Gao Tu was gone.
He had started running again, now with no place to hide in or escape to.
The running had halted, or at least slowed down after his birthday. Gao Tu had returned, brought light into his life in the form of him and their child - and for some time, the compulsion to run hadn’t been so strong. It didn’t stay away, though, instead picking up where it left and trying its best to distance him from all that was dear to him - reminding him of what it was to be a true alpha, of all the darkness that stuck to him through thick and thin. His father had known it, had told him he was only capable of greatness, not weakness associated with omegas, with love, with family.
He didn’t want to run from the things he had only recently gained.
Not when he had been finally able to share an apartment with Gao Tu, share a new chance of a life he never knew he could achieve.
The nightmares were worse than the urge to run.
They were filled with bad memories, with darkness filling every nook and cranny, swallowing every chance of light peeking in. It swallowed Gao Tu, swallowed his child, leaving behind only dust and grotesque visions of everything hiding in the darkness of his mind. The void wanted him alone, hopeless - and that he was. He wanted to be swallowed by the darkness too, to leave behind all the loneliness and join his loved ones in the dark, but it never happened. Nothing took him, only lapping at his skin with burning touches of darkness, branding him. Failure. Not good enough. Monster.
One would hope the dreams at least ended at that, the painful reminders of his missteps, but no. It always felt endless, like he was plunged into the Mariana Trench and slowly suffocating under the pressure and darkness of the sea. Nothing could save him, he knew it. And still he couldn’t accept the painful reality of it.
It was usually after the more painful images that he woke, sometimes on his own, sometimes due to a kind voice in his ear, a soft hand on his chest.
Like now.
”Wenlang.”
He choked on his breath as he forced his eyes open, gaze focused on everything and at the same time nothing at all. The darkness of his dreams continued into real life, threatening to swallow him whole - and then, in his field of vision, the only salvation he had ever received.
Gao Tu, his gentle eyes looking at him, brow furrowed and a small worried frown on his lips. As the dream slowly released its hold of him he breathed a shuddering breath, hand instinctually moving to cover his wet eyes.
”The usual dream again?” his partner inquired quietly, soft hand pressing gently against his chest. At first he didn’t find his voice, swallowing a lump in his throat. ”Yeah”, he confirmed in a thick voice, ”same as always.”
Still his upbringing didn’t want him to be vulnerable, to show his weakness - and it took everything in him to shove the urge aside. He hadn’t come this far to not be honest to his mate.
”You and Lele were gone”, he whispered, ”swallowed whole by the darkness. My darkness.”
Gao Tu kept frowning, leaning closer and pressing his forehead against his. ”We’re here”, his omega promised. ”We’re not going anywhere.”
The words were soothing, but for now the darkness still had its claws stuck to Wenlang.
”Sometimes I think it would be better if you weren’t”, he mumbled, for a moment returning to the point where he was when they were still separated. Gao Tu could’ve had a better alpha, someone gentle and stable to take care of him. He didn’t have to settle on someone so wretched like him.
”Shen Wenlang”, Gao tu said, voice now firmer and his gaze looking for his own. ”You are not anything less”, his mate promised, ”and you never will be. You are a good person, who has just made mistakes. Like many others.”
It was hard to believe gentle, forgiving words like that. At the same time he yearned for them, prayed for them, but still found himself unable to believe. There was a fear inside him, a fear of everything he loved getting ripped away from him in a heartbeat. Wenlang knew he’d die if that ever happened.
”Too many mistakes”, he said quietly. It wasn’t to search for pity, gods knew he didn’t want it - it was something he actually believed.
”Wenlang…” Gao Tu breathed, and for a moment it was quiet between them. It was enough to light a flame of doubt inside him, until the smell of sage bloomed protectively around him. It was stronger than usual, wrapping him in a blanket of calm, soft love. It was the scent of comfort and safety, always managing to push his darkness to the edges of his life. It was wondrous how someone his father would’ve called weak could do such a thing, could be so strong - every day Gao Tu gave him reasons to believe everything his father had taught was a lie.
A soft hand smaller than his grabbed his hand, a warm body pressed against him and heart shaped lips pressed a chaste kiss on his neck. ”I don’t care about past mistakes”, Gao Tu said, ”I don’t care about things you could’ve done in the past but didn’t. I don’t care about any of that.”
The sage scent caressed his skin, gently pulling his own iris back to its usual state. When he had those dreams it went sour, rotten even, speaking of his distress even when he himself couldn’t.
”I only care about who you are now. About you wanting to be better, protecting us and finding your way forward, with us”, his mate continued, fingertip gently brushing away an escaped tear. ”And if you can’t believe in yourself, then believe in me… Believe in my ability to know what’s right.”
It almost made him sob. His mate, his Gao Tu was wise, gentle and so strong, stronger than he had ever been. Stronger than his alpha father ever was or would be.
”You are a good father”, his omega added. ”Lele knows it too. He loves you, all of you. The darkness is a part of you for now, but with time it’ll dissipate.”
Wenlang turned slightly towards his partner, worrying his lip between his teeth. ”There is so much that I regret”, he whispered. ”I know”, Gao Tu hummed, hand moving to his cheek. ”But you don’t have to dwell on regret. You can be with us, live in the present. You aren’t Wenlang, a failure - you’re Wenlang, my alpha, Lele’s father, and a good man. That is all you need to be.”
As he looked into his gentle omega’s eyes he felt all the love he held in them, despite still carrying his own darkness.
”That is all I want to be”, he admitted wetly, pressing close and inhaling the sweet, calming sage. He didn’t care about being a proper alpha. He only cared about his family, the two rays of light in the middle of his darkness and chaos.
Gao Tu pulled him into a slow, gentle kiss, soothing hands stroking his arms and pulling him close. They dipped to his back, smoothing over scars covered in ink, as if to scold them for bothering him. And the funny thing was it helped - the omega’s warm and gentle touches felt like salve on his scars, not erasing them but pressing them down flat, into the library of memories alike. He was, of course, much more than his trauma, but sometimes it was hard to believe. How do you stop running when you’ve run for your whole life?
His omega smiled at him, soft hand stilling to rest on his scent gland. ”Whenever the darkness gets too thick, I’ll be there”, he promised. ”Whenever your dreams are restless, I’ll watch over them. You’re not alone.”
Wenlang took a deep breath, and finally the pressure in his chest started to dissipate. He knew it would probably return, but for the first time in a while he dared to believe it would be okay. He could still run, as long as it was towards Gao Tu.