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Evil Morty would be disappointed in himself.
That shouldn’t have been Morty’s first thought when he turned the corner in the school hallway and saw Rick Prime grinning at him with a portal gun in his hand; “He’s alive!” or “Why is he here?” or “Oh shit, I need to call Rick,” would have been more appropriate.
All the same: Evil Morty hated to lose and Rick Prime standing there certainly meant he had lost.
“Original Grandson!” Prime dropped a portal under Morty’s feet and dropped him. He landed on a metal floor and heard the clunk of boots landing behind him. Fingers dug into his hair with a ruffle that felt far too familiar to the touch of his Rick. “Got some bad news for you, kiddo.”
Morty sat on his heels and fell back onto his butt as Prime walked around him and stood in front. He put his portal gun away and huffed.
“It’s bad news for me, too, really,” Prime said. He tilted his head back and leaned hard onto his heels. “I wanted to record the look on C-137’s face when he saw me back in the flesh! Despite it all, I can’t fix death so I’m out of luck.”
“W-what?” Morty rolled to his hands and knees to push himself up to his feet. He held his fists at his side and shouted. “What-what-what do you mean death? What’d you do to Rick?”
“Nothing,” Prime said, snorting. “Someone else killed him. I just said that’s what I was upset about! Weren’t you listening?”
Morty inhaled and counted to four. He exhaled. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Maybe he was lying. Rick had Operation Phoenix. He had to be fine. “Why are you so sure he’s dead?”
“Because I only keep track of two Ricks and he’s one of them: C-137 and J19ζ7 are the only ones other than me to create portal travel and thus the only ones worthy of my attention.” Prime tapped a button on a nearby console and a digital hologram screen popped up. Morty’s grandfather and another Rick in a bowl cut appeared; Rick had an X under his name with the note “Operation Phoenix failure” tacked on. “As you can see, C-137 kicked the bucket.”
Morty breathed harder and took a step toward the monitor. It had to be a lie. Had to! The last time Operation Phoenix failed Rick resurrected in other universes. He was fine. Morty wheezed as he struggled to bring in hair. Rick had to be fine!
Prime put his hand on Morty’s head and his fingers dug in. The action grounded himself enough to exhale slower and breath.
Morty hated it.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Prime said, “but 7𐤓ト⊇V punching a hole in the Central Finite Curve did a number on Operation Phoenix’s ability to cross dimensions. You wake up in your original universe or not at all.”
Morty stumbled forward and put his hands on the edge of the console. That little red X blinked at him.
“Consequently, that’s how I’m back,” Prime said. 7𐤓ト⊇V got rid of all my back up clones, but he missed my own Operation Phoenix system in the lab under my house. I’d say he did sloppy work, but it’s not like he could have known about it. I used a mind blower to remove the knowledge I had it out of my brain in just such an event of brain scanning. Lesson one kid, always have a back up for your back up for your back up.”
“Who killed Rick?” Morty asked, voice wobbling as his eyes watered. He put his hands on the side of his head and tugged on his hair. Prime’s hand stayed buried in the curls on his crown. “How’d Operation Phoenix fail?”
“A Rick that used his Morty as a human shield and a nasty power surge that broke through the protector.” Prime patted Morty’s head and took his hand back to press another button. “Take a look.”
Two windows appeared, replacing the portraits of the two Ricks.
The first had his Rick flailing for the slightest of moments as he caught a Morty that was thrown at him, and in that sliver of time his guard was down, the other Rick shot him through the head. Morty sucked in a breath as he watched the blood spray behind him and painting the ground. The Morty in his lap screamed as he tried to crawl away from the corpse of Morty’s Rick.
The second video showed the Operation Phoenix control panel spark and catch on fire.
“Didn’t actually catch what caused the surge though,” Prime admitted. He threw a hand out and cocked his hip. “I have a lot of cameras but not that many. Learned a while ago that three is the sweet spot—any more than that and C-137 started to notice them.”
Morty stepped back from the console and lowered himself to the floor before his legs could give way. “I know you’re evil and wouldn’t actually tell me if you were lying, but…please. Is this real or a cruel prank?”
“Real.” Prime turned off the monitor. “It’s why I came to pick you up. No grandson of mine is going to be Rickless.”
"Since when did you care about that stuff?” Morty asked, looking up. “You didn’t care I was Rickless before my Rick showed up.”
“You weren’t adventuring age yet then,” Prime said. “Rick showed up right on time—and what do you mean I don’t care about things like that? I was one of the main founders of the Citadel!”
“For Ricks.”
“And Ricks need bratty little Mortys.” Prime sniffed. “Well, I don’t, but I’ve always been a special case.”
“Again, then why-why-why are you here?” Morty dug his fingers in his hair again. “You don’t want a Morty. Any Rick could have shown up.”
“Because you’re my grandson which means you only can be paired with Ricks I approve of,” Prime said, slow and dripping with condescension. “Which again was two: C-137 kicked the bucket and J19ζ7 already has a Morty. So there is no one else! I’m not happy about taking care of you either!”
“Then don’t!” Morty shouted. He forced his shaking legs to work and stood again. “Send me back home!”
“You want to live alone in a nightmare world where everyone has been Cronenberged?”
“No! My home! Where I was!” Morty felt childish as he stomped his foot but it felt good. “Right now!”
Prime rolled his eyes and threw his hands out. “No. The decision has already been made: I’m your Rick now, so get used to it.”
“You will never be my Rick!” Morty shouted back with everything he had.
“Not even if our first adventure is to kill the Rick that shot C-137?” Prime pulled out a pistol and waved it back in forth in front of Morty’s face. He tossed it toward Morty and smirked as he nearly dropped it. “I was even going to let you do it. Doesn’t that sound like the best bonding experience?”
Morty the pistol by his side. Unlike Rick, he had no desire to shoot randomly at a shield. “Giving me things I want isn’t going to make me like you.”
“Don’t need you to,” Prime replied. “Hate me all you want! I’m still going to take care of you from now on.”
Morty dug his nails into his palm.
“Now, are you going to be like Grandpa C-137 and get revenge on the guy who killed your loved one,” Prime opened a portal next to them, “or are you going to sulk?”
“Only if we break that Rick’s Operation Phoenix first.”
“Oh, grandson!” Prime laughed. “Where do you think that portal opens?”
Morty walked through it with Prime still chuckling at his back.
He took all his frustration out on the Operation Phoenix console with a nearby metal pole. Electricity sparked around him and metal crunched as he tore through the fragile equipment. His muscles burned and he breathed hard from the exertion.
“Good shot,” Prime said, smacking him on the back.
Emotional and physical exhaustion hadn’t affected his aim when he popped that Rick in the forehead.
Evil Morty had been wrong about defeating Prime, but he was right about the other part: He felt the same.
It hadn’t helped.