Chapter Text
Getting his life back on track was proving to be a greater feat than Xie Lian originally anticipated, and so far, his attempts at being self-sufficient were not going quite the way he hoped they would. Perhaps he should have questioned Ling Wen’s motivations a little more when she offered to help him find a new apartment.
In retrospect, the timing was too convenient and it might have been wise on his part to be a little suspicious when the subject came up, but Xie Lian was too preoccupied in the moment with figuring out his living situation to recognize the danger. He was just happy to reconnect with a high school friend, and thought nothing of what Ling Wen’s intentions might be until it was too late. Xie Lian tried to call and text her again, but resigned himself to the fact that he was being completely ignored.
Granted, It wasn’t even about the apartment being too good for him or more than he deserved. But he could tell that the more he looked around the unit, the more he realized that there was no way that he could afford this place on his own. At least not with his current paycheck.
He was just so excited when the place was recommended to him that he didn’t stop to think about what this might mean for him. Despite being quite a walk from the nearest train station or bus stop, his new apartment was in a peaceful and almost scenic residential neighborhood. The building itself was nondescript and a little dull, but it was clean and even had a working elevator. The last place Xie Lian stayed at was always filthy, with trash and dark stains littering the hallways. And he had to climb four flights of stairs every day because the elevator was always out of order.
Even the apartment itself was a whole lot nicer than he expected it to be. The front door actually locked, the kitchen was big and spacious, with a working stove and refrigerator. The living room was nearly twice the size of the kitchen, bright with glass sliding doors leading out to a patio, with enough space for Xie Lian to grow vegetables and maybe some herbs like he always dreamed.
The bedroom and bathroom were a little less impressive, but it was still much better than Xie Lian was used to. There weren’t any holes in the ceiling, for one thing. And he couldn’t find the words to describe how relieved he felt when he ran the water and there wasn’t any brown sludge or pipes bursting. No mistake about it, this place was definitely outside his price range, and he had an inkling that Ling Wen might be the reason behind his being allowed to move in. There was even a brand new bed in the middle of the room that Ling Wen had told him was provided by the landlord, which he couldn’t complain about.
Although Xie Lian’s belongings only consisted of a handful of boxes and some secondhand furniture, his injuries hindered his progress so much that moving in still took most of the day. After all, he couldn’t afford hiring movers and he didn’t have anyone else to help him. So by the time he finally finished unpacking everything and cleaned the entire apartment, it was already well past midnight.
Xie Lian sighed over the sad convenience store sandwich he was half-heartedly picking at —freshly showered and wrapped in new bandages— when his cat started meowing and pawing at the balcony door. Amused, he set down his food and got up from his coffee table that was serving as a dining table to open it for him. Ruoye darted past his legs as soon as the white cat could squeeze through the door’s opening and clambered outside, prowling and sniffing every corner of the balcony.
The sight made Xie Lian smile, before he leaned against the railing and stared out at the twinkling city lights in the distance. He watched the different hues reflecting over the bay as the cool nighttime air tousled his hair, the smile fading to something more melancholy. Once, he had been at the very center of it all, where everything was so bright and colorful. But now, it felt so far away from him.
It felt like the entire world had moved on without him.
And as happy as Xie Lian was to have Ruoye with him and to finally be free from his obligations, he still couldn’t help feeling crushed under the weight of his own loneliness and regrets.
Suddenly, Ruoye perked up, ears twitching and tail lashing back and forth. Such a reaction was unexpected, since the cat wasn’t usually fazed by the apartment life and the other units around them were quiet. Although it was too dark to see much of anything, Xie Lian worried there might be some kind of pest scurrying in the walls. Maybe this dream apartment had flaws after all. That was the kind of thing Xie Lian wouldn’t be surprised by. Still, he didn’t want the cat to interact with anything and might get him sick. He should try to bring him inside and started to say, “Ruoye—”
However, without warning, the cat darted to the edge of the balcony and slipped right through the divider separating his property from the neighbors' apartment. It happened faster than Xie Lian could think to stop him and he rushed to crouch near the divider, gasping when the movement pulled at his battered body.
“Ruoye!” That came out louder than he meant to and Xie Lian quickly lowered his voice. “Ruoye, come here.”
The cat in question was usually so well-behaved and never ventured far when Xie Lian let him outside, so he was baffled by Ruoye’s behavior. And they were new tenants too! The last thing he wanted to do was give his new neighbors a bad impression, and knocking on their door at this hour to retrieve his cat from their balcony surely wouldn’t win him any favors.
Xie Lian carefully crouched lower and tried to peek through the gaps of the divider. The light from his own apartment was just enough for him to peer through the darkness and helped him make out the faint outline of his wayward cat in the darkness, who was rubbing his face against a pair of slippers left out by the door as he meowed furiously. He was very loud, which made Xie Lian wince. It was a miracle that their neighbor hadn’t come out to investigate yet.
“Why are you being like this?” Xie Lian asked wearily. “Is there a cat that lives there too?”
Ruoye meowed louder in response.
Seeing no other option, Xie Lian gripped the balcony railing and pulled himself up and around the divider. There was some contorting involved and the edge of the railing dug painfully into his bruised ribs, but unfortunately the cat was still too far away to grab.
“Ruoye, come here.”
The cat continued to ignore him, still meowing.
The last thing Xie Lian wanted to do was plummet from his second story balcony after just moving in, but Xie Lian didn’t have any other choice in the matter. He might have a thicker skin now than when he did as a younger man, but he took his responsibility of being a good neighbor very seriously! And Ruoye was making this very hard!
However, because life just had to prove him wrong, the moment Xie Lian tjat swung his leg over the neighbors’ railing, the curtains inside their apartment opened. Light flooded out and illuminated the balcony, shining on Ruoye’s milky white fur and whatever dumb expression was currently on Xie Lian’s face at getting caught so quickly.
He froze like a deer in headlights for a moment, before quickly catching himself and attempting an awkward smile in an attempt to smooth things over. He was just resigning himself to an awkward encounter which would probably require him to grovel for forgiveness, when he caught sight of the figure standing in the doorway and his new neighbor’s face.
With a sinking heart, Xie Lian wondered if Ling Wen knew all along or if she was playing a mean trick on him. Because —out of all the people Xie Lian could move in next to— why did it have to be San Lang?
He was taller now, and broader in the chest and shoulders. His hair was longer, tied up in a ponytail and stray strands framing what was a very painfully familiar face. San Lang —or Hua Cheng, Xie Lian supposed— was even more handsome now than he was in high school, his face having lost that youthful roundness and looking even more defined. Apparently, he must have just showered himself, because Hua Cheng’s hair was damp and he was dressed in a black henley and tracksuit pants, which softened his sharp lines.
Xie Lian couldn’t help but stare at him.
Hua Cheng was staring back at him with wide eyes, the right one still that same captivating red. Xie Lian’s face couldn’t help the way his face flushed hot under the scrutiny of those eyes and it occurred to him that he was only dressed in a white sweatshirt and light blue pajama bottoms with bunnies printed on them. Xie Lian’s messily pinned hair had already fallen out of his claw clip from all the moving around he had done and his own wet hair kept getting in his face, making him feel more embarrassed than he had in a long time.
The urge to climb back over the railing and pretend this encounter never happened was strong, but his concern for Ruoye was stronger. Xie Lian couldn’t just leave the cat out here, who was still meowing and biting at the sandal in his grasp like a dog would to a chew toy. Hua Cheng probably wouldn’t appreciate it, but Xie Lian didn’t know what to say —much less how to form words— and could only continue to gape at him like an idiot.
After the long silence that followed, Hua Cheng recovered first and opened his balcony door to step outside. Ruoye wasted no time and used the opportunity to stand on his haunches, reaching up with his front paws and mewling for attention like a kitten. Hua Cheng hesitated and glanced at Xie Lian briefly, but he quickly caved in to the cat’s demands and picked him up, just like he used to.
The traitorous feline flops into his arms at once, purring triumphantly, one amber and one blue eye squinting up at him in bliss. The sight almost made Xie Lian smile, but there was also a sharp throb in his chest too. Because Ruoye, who hadn’t seen Hua Cheng in nearly a decade, immediately recognized his scent and could so easily pick up right where they left off.
Oh, to live life the way a cat does, Xie Lian thought as he watched Ruoye nuzzle under Hua Cheng’s chin and envied the simplicity of it. But then again, maybe it really was that easy.
Maybe this was his chance to finally move on.
“Sorry about… all of this,” Xie Lian said and was proud that his voice wavered only slightly. He swallowed hard and his next words came out a little steadier. “He missed you.”
I missed you too, he wanted to say.
Hua Cheng continued to stare at him, until the cat in his arms snuffled against his cheek and sneezed right in his ear. He glanced down at Ruoye before looking at Xie Lian again, who expected to be left out on the balcony or forced to find his own way to climb back over to his apartment, but was surprised when Hua Cheng walked over and shifted Ruoye onto one arm in order to grab Xie Lian’s good wrist.
Hua Cheng’s touch was warm and gentle —steady, in a way Xie Lian hasn’t felt in a very long time— so Xie Lian didn’t resist as he was helped over to Hua Cheng’s balcony. The movement pulled at his battered body, but it was a lot easier on his injuries than if he were to climb back to his own apartment.
The only problem was that being this close to Hua Cheng, Xie Lian was able to notice that his wet hair was curling slightly at the edges and he smelled of soap and clean laundry. It reminded Xie Lian of being seventeen again.
Young, hopeful, and so in love.
The feeling only intensified watching Ruoye rub his face all over Hua Cheng’s clean clothes, leaving a horrendous amount of cat hair, but the man didn’t complain. Rather, he actually looked…happy.
It had been so long since Xie Lian last saw that look on his face.
He used to love that look.
Seeing it now reminded Xie Lian of his high school days, when he had a bright future ahead of him and wasn’t so alone. It was a feeling that he desperately wanted to hold onto as tightly as he could, before it drifted away like dandelions swept up in a gust of wind. But then he quickly reminded himself that neither of them were young men anymore, and the feelings that once were there were traces of a distant past. A dream that never came to fruition.
Which was why Xie Lian summoned all the strength he possessed and offered what he hoped was a convincing smile. A smile that said, this doesn’t have to be awkward if neither of us want it to be. “Thank you, Hua Cheng.”
Hua Cheng didn’t immediately reply. He just continued to stare at Xie Lian, causing him to glance away, unable to bear the intensity of those eyes. Xie Lian knew that he had changed over the years, with lines on his face and dark bags under his eyes that hadn’t been there before, and his hands were always calloused and dry no matter how much lotion he used.
He lost a lot of weight after years of hard work and shyly tugged on the edge of his sleeve, trying not to think about how his pajamas are hanging on his frame in the most unflattering way. He didn’t even want to think about how much of a wild mess his hair looked after being out on the balcony for this long and he knew it was going to be a tangled mess tomorrow. A part of him desperately wished for a mirror to check, but Xie Lian quickly reminded himself that Hua Cheng certainly didn’t care about that, so he shouldn’t either.
Abruptly, Ruoye meowed and squirmed out of Hua Cheng’s arms, dropping to the balcony and darting through the open sliding glass door before either of them could move to stop him. For a long moment, they stared as this unrepentant menace of a cat scurried down the hallway and through another doorway, which was most likely Hua Cheng’s bedroom.
All of a sudden, this entire situation had gone from awkward to excruciatingly painful.
“I—I can get him,” Xie Lian offered. His voice sounded small and hesitant even to his own ears and he hated it. He hated that this man still affected him like this, like a schoolboy with a crush.
Hua Cheng probably didn’t even remember him anyway. He was probably just wondering why his weird neighbor and his cat were barging into his personal space, while Xie Lian was acting so foolish in front of him. Besides, Hua Cheng might have been wanting to spend time with his… partner or whoever he shared the apartment with, yet here was Xie Lian —ruining it all for hom.
And yet, there was something in Hua Cheng’s eyes that Xie Lian thought he caught a glimpse of before he turned away with a sigh. He gestured to the door and stepped aside to let Xie Lian through. Nervously, he squeezed past Hua Cheng, trying not to think about how broad his shoulders were in comparison to his. Unfortunately, despite his best efforts to avoid touching the man, his arm brushed Hua Cheng’s chest as he passed, who cleared his throat and stepped around him to close the balcony door.
Oh. That might have been inappropriate on his part, unintentional as it was.
Xie Lian wanted to apologize, but he was too afraid of what else he might end up babbling to Hua Cheng and quickly shuffled to the side, looking around the apartment so he wouldn’t have to meet Hua Cheng’s eyes. But then he paused when he realized how barren the inside was. There were some essentials —basic things like a simple black couch and a wooden entertainment center with a modest sized TV, along with a coffee table, where an open laptop sat with a steaming mug beside it. But otherwise nothing in particular stood out or appeared particularly personal.
It didn’t necessarily surprise Xie Lian, remembering how Hua Cheng struggled with money back in the day, but it was still heartbreaking to see all the same. He would have never thought that Hua Cheng would be the type to still struggle financially at this point in his life and the complete lack of personal effects was alarming. There weren’t even picture frames or posters on the walls.
When Xie Lian glanced at him, curious, but Hua Cheng looked away like he was embarrassed, and then he remembered that they were practically strangers to each other at this point. Xie Lian had no right to ask him anything.
Trying to ignore the sharp pain in his chest, Xie Lian decided that perhaps it would be better if he and Ruoye left, so that Hua Cheng could pretend that they never saw each other. After all, the last thing Xie Lian wanted to do was embarrass Hua Cheng more than he already had or draw this out any longer than they needed to. It would be better that way for everyone.
Mind made up, Xie Lian headed straight to Hua Cheng’s bedroom in search of his wayward cat. Although he did feel guilty about barging into Hua Cheng’s abode like this, which felt like an invasion of privacy, but the faster he found Ruoye, the faster they could leave.
There was no immediate sign of the cat in the bedroom or in the adjacent bathroom, so he must be hiding under the bed. Xie Lian knelt down to peek under it and sure enough, Ruoye peered back at him. He had his paws tucked neatly underneath himself, looking like a silly white bread loaf with pointy ears, and blinked slowly at him, before beginning to purr up a storm. Like he was proud of his accomplishment.
“Ruoye, you’re making this very difficult,” Xie Lian muttered, trying not to think about how flushed his face must be with Hua Cheng here to witness this. If he didn’t acknowledge it then it wasn’t happening. “Come on, baby. We have to go.”
The cat squinted his eyes and continued to purr, blissfully unaware of the messy situation he had made. Xie Lian wished he had brought some treats or something to tempt him out from his hiding place, but he didn’t want to prolong this anymore than he had to by fetching some from his apartment.
“Ruoye, please.”
To his surprise, Xie Lian heard the crinkle of a packet and the sound of treats being shaken in a bag. Ruoye immediately slithered out from underneath the bed, chirring excitedly. Glancing up, Xie Lian found Hua Cheng standing behind him, who gave the treat bag another enticing shake before Ruoye lunged at him, weaving through his legs and meowing. Hua Cheng knelt down in front of the cat and began to feed him a couple treats, petting him absently as the cat rubbed his face against his fingers.
It made Xie Lian’s heart swell up at the sight: Ruoye standing on his hindlegs to grab Hua Cheng’s hand with both of his front paws, nuzzling his face against his palm and treats all but forgotten in his pursuit for pets instead. And then there was Hua Cheng giving in to his demands and scratching him under his chin, not quite smiling, but with an expression that was soft and warm.
This entire strange and embarrassing situation was all worth it just for the adorable picture they made together, and how much it reminded Xie Lian of the past. When he used to be happy.
But then Hua Cheng glanced in Xie Lian’s direction and paused, as if suddenly remembering he was still there and the sweet feeling in his chest soured. And it hurt, knowing that he shouldn't let those feelings resurface when Hua Cheng made himself very clear all those years ago.
And Xie Lian couldn’t bear the thought of facing that kind of rejection again.
He scooped Ruoye up in his arms despite the cat’s protests and looked down at his disgruntled little face, just so he wouldn’t have to meet Hua Cheng’s gaze. “Thanks again for your help. I guess we’ll… get out of your hair now,” he said.
He noticed Hua Cheng standing as well out of the corner of his eye, far closer than he needed to. It was like no matter how much Xie Lian tried not to pay him any undue attention, he was still so hyper aware of everything Hua Cheng was doing.
Xie Lian thought that Hua Cheng would immediately kick him out, but instead he held out the bag of treats and pointedly nudged it at him until Xie Lian shifted Ruoye in his arms so he could accept them. The cat squirmed, trying to reach the bag, until Hua Cheng grabbed him out of Xie Lian’s hold and walked out of the room. Xie Lian hurried after, more out of the need to get out of Hua Cheng’s bedroom than anything else, and allowed himself to be led to the front door.
“Thank you,” he repeated, because he didn’t know what else to say. He was about to reach for the door, but Hua Cheng startled him with a hand on his wrist and he glanced up in surprise.
“Take these,” Hua Cheng said, pulling out a pair of sandals for him to wear.
“Oh, I couldn’t—” Xie Lian tried to say, but Hua Cheng only stared at him until he finally relented and put them on.
Hua Cheng nodded in satisfaction before slipping on his own pair of sandals, and then opened the door to walk Xie Lian all the way back to his apartment. Even when Xie Lian tried to take Ruoye from him, Hua Cheng refused to relinquish his hold on the cat until Xie Lian put in the code to unlock his front door.
He hesitantly opened it, not wanting Hua Cheng to look inside, despite his apartment being just as sparse as the one they came from. But this felt different, letting Hua Cheng see his old and worn furniture. His meager belongings. Xie Lian didn’t want Hua Cheng to see how far he had fallen, even though he knew that it was impossible for him not to know. The entire nation witnessed the ruin of the Xie family and still bring it up years later.
Even crossing an entire ocean hadn’t been enough for people to forget.
Much to his relief, Hua Cheng seemed to know what he was thinking and didn’t move beyond the entryway, and just got in enough through the door to carefully set Ruoye down. When he straightened, he gave Xie Lian an indecipherable look before inclining his head in the barest of nods.
“Goodnight, gege,” he said, and it startled Xie Lian just how deep his voice was now.
And to be called in that familiar way, as if nothing between them had ever changed… It was too much for his heart to handle.
But Hua Cheng was watching him, as if expecting some sort of reply, and Xie Lian had to remember how his suddenly dry mouth worked. “Oh. Right. Goodnight,” Xie Lian stammered, hoping that he wasn’t blushing again, but already felt the telltale heat in his cheeks.
Fortunately, Hua Cheng made no mention of it. Rather, he only nodded again before closing the door behind himself as he left.
Leaving Xie Lian to immediately sink down until he hit the floor and covered his face with his hands, moaning softly to himself when he came to the realization that Ling Wen must have done this on purpose.