Work Text:
SUBJECT: Congratulations!
Good Morning Mr. Diaz and Mr. Buckley,
I am so thrilled to inform you that you have won the Los Angeles wedding convention grand prize! As you may remember from the convention, the grand prize includes the following:
Floral arrangements from Angela's Floral Designs
Music and entertainment provided by Electric Sound DJs
Catering and bartending service from Little Spoon Café
Tailoring Services from Santiago Tailoring
Photography/Videography from Stark Studios
A four night stay at the Beverly Hills Hotel
And of course the highest tier venue package at the Los Angeles Zoo .
I must I was surprised that you entered the giveaway with your wedding date coming so soon, but I know this opportunity is too good to pass up for any engaged couple. Luckily we'll be able to make this happen! As you can imagine, despite having all of these vendors, three months is a very short time to plan your dream wedding. I'd love to get into contact with one, or both of you, as soon as possible so I can put you into contact with each of these vendors. Please feel free to call me at the number listed in my email signature.
Best,
Beatrice Connelly
LA Wedding Convention Manager
SUBJECT: FWD: Congratulations!
Hi Bobby,
Dad is going to kill me. I'm at computer camp and they don't let us have our phones during the day. Can you tell him to check his email in twenty minutes and also to remember that I'm his only son and I have so much to live for?
Thanks!
Chris
P.S. Camp is done in three days if dad's still mad can I stay with you guys?
[click to read more]
SUBJECT: RE: FWD: Congratulations!
Chris-
They've been dating for a month, why did you sign them up for a free wedding?
I'll make Buck man behind so he can call the wedding convention person. I figure he's less likely to scar her over the phone.
See you in three days!
Bobby
TO: [email protected], [email protected]
SUBJECT: Don't be mad
Hello my beloved family,
My, what a lovely day we're having in beautiful California. Wow it makes me so happy I'm not in Texas. Speaking of Texas, do you both remember how I ran away to Texas and went on a journey of religious discovery and also learned a valuable lesson about forgiveness?
I'm sure you do considering it was only about two months ago. Which is why, before I tell you about something I may or may not have done; I just want to remind you that forgiveness is so important and you both should make every effort to practice it as much as possible.
Anyway, Dad do you remember Tia Pepa's friend Carmen? The tailor? She's the one who patched up your old army sweatshirts and always pinches my cheeks whenever I see her. Well, she thinks my cheeks are so cute that when we first got to LA she asked Tia and I to help man her table during the LA wedding convention.
Neither of you have been to the convention, but it's the best thing ever (or at least it was when I was like seven). They have all of these freebies and because we were there as vendors we had food passes so we got to eat some of the best catered food in LA. The real highlight, though, is the giveaways. From bottles of wine to wedding dresses, there's a million things you can enter to win. The grand prize, though, is essentially an all expenses paid wedding. Even better, the venue? The Los Angeles Zoo.
Imagine me at seven years old, (sweet and angelic, remember this face in a few minutes if you get upset with me) seeing a giveaway for someone to get married at the zoo. I simply had to enter. This was also at a time where I was really convinced that Mom and Dad were going to get back together. I was sure that if you guys had a do-over wedding that you guys could fix your marriage and we'd all be a family again.
Tia Pepa took pity on me and helped me enter. Obviously I didn't win, but I didn't let that stop me. I went ahead and entered the next year too. Mom was home at that point and I was more convinced than ever that a wedding would fix everything. I knew getting married forty feet from the penguin exhibit would erase the crease in Dad's brow every time he looked at mom. I didn't win that year either, and well, you know what happens next.
When Tia took me the next year I could tell she was avoiding the giveaway area. Sure we still pigged out on all the amazing food, and I still used my cuteness to charm people into taking Carmen's card, but Tia hadn't even signed up for the wine giveaway she always enters each year. Finally, right before the convention ended I confronted her, asking why she hadn't taken me to enter the grand prize.
She seemed surprised and asked who would have the wedding if I won. I wish I had a phone at that age to take a picture because the look on her face when I confidently said Dad and Buck, duh! is something that deserves to be framed. Then she laughed for a solid five minutes straight and took me to fill out the form.
Every year after that it just became a habit. I'd enter you both without fail. I'm not sure when in my brain it went from of course I want my two favorite people to be married so we can be a family, to my dad and Buck are so in love that this is embarrassing, but either way I still entered every year.
The convention was about a month ago and you guys were on a 48 so of course Pepa and I went, and of course I entered. It's not like I've won any other year, why would I win now? Except, I forgot that God really loves fucking with Dad. So now you guys have an all expenses wedding scheduled for October 6th. Congratulations!
Please remember that I would like to live to see you both get married in October, and also if any one is to blame I say we pick Tia Pepa. Or maybe the wedding industry as a whole, seriously some of these vendors are robbing people blind! Not you two though, because your son just scored you a free wedding!
Also since I know I'm already going to be in the dog house, I'm just going to speak my mind. I know you guys are probably worried that it's way too soon to be married. Which, like, if you guys were normal it would be, but you both aren't normal about each other. You've been married in every way except paper for years, so I think you should just go for it.
Alright that's all I've got to say, please don't ground me for life!
Chris
P.S. Don't forget my bus back from camp should get in right around 3 on Friday. Even if you're mad I still need transportation home!!
SUBJECT: RE: Don't be mad
Chris-
Your dad is pacing around the firehouse cursing in Spanish. Not sure what his punishment will be, but my punishment is I'm not buying you that new switch game and I'm instead buying myself a really fancy clipboard. Clearly, I'm going to need it. I won't let your dad kill you, after all I need a best man at my wedding!
Love you!
Buck
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SUBJECT: Welcome to Canva Pro!
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TO:
SUBJECT: Catching up [DRAFT]
Shan,
I wanted to give you a little life update. I'm not really sure if I believe in the whole loved ones watching us from the afterlife thing. Honestly, even if you can, I'm pretty sure you have better things to do than keep an eye on me all the time. The years since your death have been pretty crazy, honestly, so I'm just going to give you the hits. Chris is doing well, he's as smart and bright and wonderful as ever. He and I had a pretty big falling out, all my fault, as I'm sure you can imagine, but we're better now.
To make an incredibly long, and frankly weird, story short—I had a full mental breakdown and started hanging out with your doppelganger, Chris ran away to Texas, I came out as gay via email, and blew up my relationship with my parents. Chris came home and things are starting to get back to normal.
Oh, and I'm in love. That one isn't all that new. You know him actually, it's Buck. I think in some ways I might have loved him all the way back when you were alive. Well, I know I loved him, but I think I might have been in love with him then as well. I was definitely in love with him when he saved our son from a tsunami a few months later.
That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. Well, that, and the fact that my therapist told me that writing letters to people is good for me, and he can always tell when I've lied about writing them. So two birds one stone. I get to tell you something, and I get to avoid my therapist's judgemental face this week.
Anyway, back to what I was saying about wanting to tell you something. Buck and I are getting married. Don't worry no one is pregnant this time. If you have been keeping an eye on me you might be saying something like, "Haven't you only been dating for a month?" which—fair. It's actually your son's fault, and I do mean your son. I've passed a lot of shit onto that kid, but the sneakiness comes straight from you.
Remember when Derek from homeroom was cheating on Michelle and you somehow orchestrated it so Michelle would walk into the locker room at the exact same time he was in there with Jessica from the volleyball team? Yeah, that's some schemer shit that Chris learned from you. Apparently he's been trying to win Buck and I a free wedding for years. I'm just happy that he won once we were together. Imagine if he had won while I was still dating Ana or something, yikes. At the very least your scheming genes have gotten me and Buck a wedding that's basically 90% paid for.
Ever since I came out people keep talking to me about guilt. My therapist, my friends Hen and Karen, even a priest who I should probably send an edible arrangement for dealing with my shit. Hell, even I've said it a couple of times. Of course Catholic boy Eddie Diaz was feeling guilt, no wonder it took him so long to come out. Maybe I was guilty, but more than anything I was fucking scared. Terrified.
Being gay wasn't something I felt guilty about, it was something I was terrified of. The judgemental looks, the way it would change my relationship with my family, and most of all what it would mean for you if I was gay. I ruined your life a million times over while you were alive, and the scariest part is I never could have loved you properly if I wanted to.
That scares the shit out of me, and it also makes me feel guilty, so goddamn guilty. I don't feel guilt when I look at Buck. Buck is the alter I worship at. There isn't a sermon or hymn that could make me feel guilty about that. Sometimes, though, I wake up next to him in the morning and everything feels so good and so easy, and I feel horrible that it never felt like that for us.
Sometimes I imagine calling Buck my husband and it feels like my entire body is alight with flame, then I remember the way the word wife would taste bitter on my tongue. It's incredibly unfair to you, and I feel so fucking guilty about it.
I wish you were here to yell at me, or protest the wedding, or smack me upside the head. I wish you were here to be angry with me, to give this guilt a voice other than my own. I wish you were here so I could come out to you properly, to show you that I'm not scared anymore. I just wish you were here.
It's sort of funny to miss you, because I've always missed you. Even when we were together I missed you. I've missed you longer than I've had you at this point. I'm always going to miss you, Shan. I'm so sorry.
Love you,
Eddie
TO: BuckandEddie Bet Mailing List
SUBJECT: IMPORTANT UPDATE
Hi all,
Before getting into the meat of this email I want to officially announce that I, Chimney Han, will be be the sole point of communication regarding any BuckandEddie bets. While Hen still remains cochair of the 118 betting committee she has to asked to step back from the BuckandEddie bets to "stop centering these men in my lesbian life." So all communication regarding BuckandEddie will come exclusively from me. Now onto the good stuff.
For those of you who weren't in the fire house this morning I wanted to inform you all of some updates to the BuckandEddie proposal bet. In an incredibly unexpected turn of events, Buck and Eddie have just announced they are getting married in three months because Christopher accidentally won them an all expenses paid wedding. Yes, I know that sounds insane, but what more can we expect from those two.
Obviously, this throws a wrench into our betting plans because a core part of the proposal bet was who would propose to who. So I propose (ha) the following adaptions to the bet:
We will award the winner of the timeline portion of the bet their half of the pot (winner will be announced at the end, for dramatic effect.)
The "who will propose bet" will continue on until the wedding. I think we have a good chance that either Buck or Eddie will still want to propose properly before the wedding.
If neither of them proposes before the wedding, we cash out the pot and give it to them as a wedding present.
Please let me know ASAP if these rules do not work for you.
Now the thing we've all been waiting for, who won the timeline portion of the bet. This person, when placing their bet said "I thought they were married for like two years so I'm going as early as possible" congratulations to Ravi! Be sure to check your venmo for a payment from @118bets.
Thank you all, and again please let me know if you need anything changed in light of the recent developments.
Chimney Han
Co-chair of the 118 Betting Committee
TO: BuckandEddie Bet Mailing List
SUBJECT: RE: IMPORTANT UPDATE
Hi Howie,
Why the fuck did I just find out that my little brother is getting MARRIED from an email about bets?
Your wife,
Maddie
TO: BuckandEddie Bet Mailing List
SUBJECT: RE: RE: IMPORTANT UPDATE
OOPS!
This is why Hen is supposed to help me with this. Apologies to everyone who found out about the engagement/wedding through my email.
Chimney Han
Co-chair of the 118 Betting Committee
SUBJECT: Order Confirmation
Hello Mr. Buckley.
Your floral arrangement is set to be delivered later this afternoon. Below you'll find a copy of the message you'd like attached to the card. Please let us know if you need any changes made to the card as soon as possible.
Maddie,
I'm incredibly sorry that you found out that Eddie and I are engaged through your husband and not through me. Even though this feels more like Chimney's fault than mine I'm still super sorry. In fairness, we had only been engaged for like twenty minutes and Eddie didn't propose we just won an all expenses paid wedding. Either way you should have been my first call after confirming with the wedding lady. I'm incredibly sorry that I got distracted by setting up a cake tasting that I forgot about your husband's big fat mouth.
Love you!
Buck (and my fiance(!!!) Eddie)
Best,
Marigold Floral
SUBJECT: Second Weddings
Hi Bobby,
Camp was fun even if the whole having no phones thing got annoying after the novelty wore off. I liked being with friends and hanging out, but the lack of phone left me with a lot of time to think. I'm really glad that Dad and Buck are getting married, but I keep thinking about mom.
I know better now, but when I was a kid, my parents' marriage was really important to me. I think the whole importance of marriage thing my grandparents believed had wormed its way into my head. In the years without mom (well the first time) I kind of clung to their marriage like a life line. Sure my mom wasn't around, but my parents were married. Surely that meant something.
John H. from 1st grade's parents were in the middle of a really messy divorce and I remember thinking at the time that divorced parents felt like a death sentence. Sure my mom had left, but she still was married to my dad so she'd have to come back some day. Dad had come back after all—even if I don't remember much of him being gone—surely Mom would too.
Now that Dad is out, honestly maybe before that, I can realize that they should have never gotten married in the first place. Sure they loved each other, but they weren't in love. Even if I wanted them to be. They couldn't be. I'm making peace with that, but it's still sort of hard to deal with.
I think that's the meat of why I'm sending this email to you. I know you were married before you and Athena were married. I was sort of wondering how you reconcile with it? Loving two people, I mean. Does loving Athena erase loving your first wife? Will the same happen for my dad? I like to think it won't be I can't be certain, you know?
Even when Dad was dating other people I never really felt like they were replacing Mom. Not that I truly think that Buck is replacing Mom. Buck's been in my life for more years total than my mom was at this point, and I love him so much. It's just that sometimes I think about the wedding and it sort of stings.
For the first time Dad is with someone he truly loves, and that person isn't my mom. I'm glad that it's Buck and I love Buck, but I can't seem to stop the weird pit in my stomach I get every time I think about what Mom would think about all of this.
I'm not even sure what I'm feeling, but I know that I'd like to stop feeling it.
Yours,
Chris
SUBJECT: RE: Second Weddings
Chris-
My first wife is one of my favorite people in the world. Not a day goes by where I don't think about her in some way. I think about her death often. Sometimes a thick cloud of smoke will take me back to that day, and the way I could smell the smoke in her hair in the hospital. Other times I'll be bandaging a wound and all I can think of is the way she looked wrapped in bandages.
More than her death I think of her life too. I'll see a bird and remember the way she would celebrate the first robin after a long winter—her sign that spring was well and truly here. We'll pass the church near the fire house and I swear I can almost hear her voice in church bells. Sometimes I close my eyes and she's there smiling at me.
Falling in love with Athena isn't something I chose, but it's something I'll never regret. Neither of us are each others first loves, and I think there's a beauty in that. Athena and I had a lot of growing to do before we became the people we are. I don't think it would worked if we had met at the age I was when I met Marcy.
The thing that bothers me most, and I think probably bothers you as well is the lack of closure. I don't know what Marcy would think about Athena and I. I wish I did, even if it was bad. Even if Marcy came down from heaven and yelled at me until she was blue in the face I'd still like to know.
At least then I could move on from it, recover in some way. It's the not knowing that kills me. I love Athena and that wouldn't change if my late wife didn't approve, but it'd be nice to know. You, your dad, and I are all in the same boat with that one kiddo. I wish I could help you know how your mom would feel, but I can't. What I can do, is tell you what I know.
I know that your mom loved the ocean. I know that she took her coffee the same way that I take mine (one cream two sugars). I know that she was terrified of small dogs, but wouldn't bat an eye if a big dog came running toward her. I know that she used to read her books out loud when she was pregnant with you so you could hear the stories, and I know that she loved you more than words can describe.
I didn't really know your mom, but do you know how I know these things? Your dad told me. It's that, and a million other little things your father has mentioned over the years about your mom. He talks about her because he thinks about her, probably as much as I think about my late wife. He thinks about her when he passes me the sugar packets, and when you do well in school. He thinks about her every time we transport a pregnant woman to the hospital, and when we see people walking pitbulls outside of the station.
Your dad might not have been in love with your mom, but there's not a doubt in my mind that he loved her—still loves her. Don't mistake your father loving quietly for your father not loving at all.
I understand why the wedding is bringing up feelings for you, it would be odd if it didn't, but I'll bet you anything that they're bringing up feelings for your dad too. Maybe you both should talk about it. I can't promise it will make your feelings go away all together, but it might help.
Yours,
Bobby
TO:
SUBJECT: How'd you like the new flowers? [DRAFT]
Hi Shan,
Chris and I visited you today. It was his idea, but I think both of us needed to go there more than we realized. It's the first time we've been back since Chris came back from Texas. You've been the elephant in the room lately. We talk around you more than we talk about you, but today we finally talked about you.
We talked about all the things we love and miss about you. I showed him a couple of old prom photos that Sophia found in the depths of Facebook. Then we talked about your place in my life now that I'm out. It felt a little like a dagger in my chest, but I knew we had to talk about it.
I always tell Chris that you can hear us there so I won't bore you by making you hear the same conversation twice, but I just want to tell you again how much I love you. You were my first proper friend, and I think we got so caught up in being more than friends that I forgot how good of a friend you were to me.
There's so many things Chris doesn't remember, so many things he'll start to forget. Hell there's things I know I don't remember. Chris had to remind me you used to put peanut butter on your s'mores today. I don't know how I forgot. What else have I forgotten? Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life? Just forgetting more and more things about you until there's nothing left? I really fucking hate it Shan. I hate it more than words, and it's all my fault.
Chris and I talked for a long time at the cemetery, but the hardest question he asked didn't come until we were in the car on the way home. We were listening to some pop station Buck likes to listen to and Chris looked up from his phone and asked me the question I've been dreading for years.
"Why is mom buried as Diaz and not her maiden name?"
If he had asked me a couple years ago I probably would have given him the easy answer. That was your legal name at the time. Ten year old Chris would have accepted that answer with a head nod and moved on. Unfortunately, we have a teenager now, and he doesn't let things go. So, I told him the truth.
It's not a truth I'm incredibly proud of. How do your tell your son that you were drowning so deeply in grief that when your mother offered to take something off your plate you jumped at the chance? How do you tell him that I didn't even think about how it was wrong for months, maybe even years after the fact?
You were buried as a Diaz even though you did everything in your power when you were alive not to be one.
In the end I told Chris that his grandmother had been the one to handle the burial arrangements because I had been too overwhelmed. He didn't question it, but I saw the way his face changed. I can tell he's disappointed in that answer, hell, I am too.
I was so fucking selfish when it comes to you Shan. In the last years of your life I reduced you to all the things you never really wanted to be. A wife. A mother. A fucking Diaz. It kills me that that's all people will ever know about you. I hate that when people walk by your grave they'll see you for someone you never really were. You're gone and now all that remains is a tombstone with a name that was never really yours.
Buck asked me about last names this evening. He's been working through this massive checklist he made and apparently last names is nestled in between choosing a cake and getting fitted for a suit. I had a hard time explaining why I burst into tears when he suggested taking my last name. His reasonings were all valid, I mean I wouldn't want to share a name with his parents, but it still felt like I'd be stripping something away from him.
It ended up being Chris who came up with the solution. A hyphenated name. Buckley-Diaz. I like it— equally the both of us. I'm sorry neither of us thought of that when we got married. Or maybe you did and didn't want to tell me. Or maybe you told my mom instead and she shut you down. Either way, I'm really sorry you died a Diaz.
Buck and Chris send their love,
Eddie
SUBJECT: Wedding party and guest confirmation
Hi Eds,
Just wanted to send over the finalized wedding party list and the excel document with wedding guests. The wedding party should be fine, but I just want another pair of eyeballs on it.
Eddie's Party
Best Man: Christopher Diaz (Still PISSED about this btw bc I called dibs)
Party: Sophia Diaz, Adriana Diaz, Karen Wilson, and Hen Wilson
Buck's Party
Matron of Honor: Maddie Han
Party: Chimney Han, Ravi Panikkar, May Grant, and Harry Grant
Other roles
Giving Buck away: Athena Grant & Bobby Nash
Officiating: Bobby Nash
I'd love if you could look at the guest list and confirm that all of your cousins names are right. Pepa told me them over the phone, but I have no idea if I spelled everything right. We also should really decide on what we're doing about the parent thing. Maddie talked to my parents today and they already have a nonrefundable trip to Europe booked so I guess that makes my decision for me, but I know you're still on the fence.
If you want your parents there I'll honor that, and if you don't, I'll honor that too. This is completely your choice and there's no wrong answer here. Just let me know!
I love you!
Buck (Buckley-Diaz!!!!!)
SUBJECT: RE: Wedding party and guest confirmation
Buck,
I went ahead and updated the excel spreadsheet with some edits, your white boy spelling of some of the names was both painful and incredibly funny. As for my parents I'm still not sure. Can we save room for them, but not send an invite yet? I'm sure they'll reach out to me once invitations go out and I'd rather wait until I have that conversation. Oh, also if we do invite them Aunt Louise can't be sat near my mom or dad.
I love and appreciate you,
Eddie (Buckley-Diaz)
TO: [email protected], [email protected], + 50 others
SUBJECT: You're Invited!
Please join us on October 6th for the Buckley-Diaz wedding at the beautiful Los Angeles zoo. Attached to this evite you'll find a link to Buck and Eddie's wedding website to RSVP and view the wedding registry.
We look forward to seeing you in October!
The Future Mr. & Mr. Buckley-Diaz
SUBJECT: RE: You're Invited
Buck-
Just so you know the "our story" section of your wedding website is the funniest thing I've ever read in my life. I don't know how you managed to make the fact that your son signed you both up for a free wedding a month into you both finally getting together sound so romantic, but you did! Also the pictures of the three of you at the zoo on the page about the venue??? I'm going to throw up.
Love you both so so much and I'm so excited to celebrate you both!
May
SUBJECT: Mothers, Matrimony and the Los Angeles Zoo
Hi Bobby,
Grandma and Dad talked today. To say it went badly is probably the understatement of the year. She did that thing she does where she critiques every single thing dad's ever done. Dad took the call in the kitchen but I could still hear most of it from where I was in my room. Dad seemed to be handling it pretty well, but it all broke down when Grandma brought up mom.
I guess Grandma didn't know about Buck at all, so she wasn't only pissed that he's getting married, but about the whole gay thing. I'm pretty sure she said, "What about Shannon?" Because dad started yelling pretty loudly after that. He has every right to be pissed. I don't understand why they're being so horrible about this. El Paso isn't even that conservative compared to other parts of Texas. The people two houses down are gay. They came to barbecues.
I'm starting to think maybe it's just dad they have a problem with. It's like he can never do anything right when it comes to the two of them.
Once, a couple years after the tsunami I had really bad nightmare about it. The hall bathroom had a leak and something about the dripping during the night triggered something in my brain, I guess. Anyway I remember yelling and dad holding me, and then I remember asking him if he ever felt like he was under water on dry land. He looked at me for a very long time before finally nodding his head.
Dad isn't often vulnerable with me, but that look on his face said enough. I saw that look again today. Dad's drowning on dry land. I can almost see him being crushed by the tidal wave that is my grandmother and her judgment.
Buck saved me from the tsunami, and he's good at saving Dad too. After the call with Grandma, Buck just held him and kept him afloat. I like to think I helped too, I gave him three sour patch kids and a pat on the back. Take that Diaz family emotional repression.
Alright, so not my best work, but how do you tell your dad "hey your mom sucks ass and I'm sorry you're dealing with a lot". I kind of feel like I've met my emotional vulnerability quota for the year and we're only half way through.
I just feel like I opened a giant horrible can of worms when I signed them up for this wedding. Everything feels like my fault lately. Maybe it's always been all of my fault. I'm not sure how I handle the fact that every sacrifice my father ever made was because of me.
I don't know. I think maybe I hate growing up. Or not the growing up, but the realizing. That all the things I thought I know about the world aren't true. Or at least the way I was viewing them is off. All my memories of my grandparents up until recently were happy ones, but now they're all tainted by the fact that I know how much Dad must have been struggling that whole time.
How do I live with that?
Yours,
Chris
p.s. I accidentally ruined Buck's sourdough starter because I thought it was overnight oats and packed it for my lunch, can you give dad more without telling Buck?
SUBJECT: RE: Mothers, Matrimony and the Los Angeles Zoo
Chris,
I'm sorry to hear about your grandparents. Family is so complicated sometimes. As someone who had a rocky relationship with his own mother, I understand your father's feelings more than most. I don't know if it's right to say that your grandmother plainly just doesn't like your dad, but I do think whatever way she chooses to express her feelings is flawed. Deeply, flawed.
I think the thing we struggle with — we being sons, I mean— is that we see our mothers as symbols more than we see them as complex people. Your mother, my mother, your grandmother. We naturally define them by their relationship to ourselves. Often, I can't bring myself to think of my mother as anything outside of a mother. I forget all of the other roles she held in the world. My situation is obviously different, but I struggle to reconcile with that fact that I could meet someone who knows my mother and they'd think of her completely differently than I do.
I feel that way about my father too. That back in the day so few people knew what was happening behind closed doors. That we could walk into the grocery store and he could sweet talk a cashier and that would forever be her lasting memory of him. It a strange sort of reality that all those half versions of him exist in other peoples memories while I live with something completely different. I think your grandmother probably exists like that in your mind. She, like all of us, contains multitudes.
I'm not going to tell you what to do (though I'm certain that's why you keep emailing me HAHA), but I will say this. Your father has done the work to repair the harm he caused you. Your grandmother has not afforded the same courtesy to her own son. Do with that thought what you will.
Yours, in complicated families,
Bobby
SUBJECT: Our Deepest Sympathy
Hello,
My name is Maddie and you might have seen me at the florist with my brother Evan. He was the one making faces at the lillies because he was worried they could harm cats (no he does not have one, and no he isn't planning on getting one anytime soon). You might also remember him being the one who looked at your floral arrangement sitting on the counter and said something along the lines of, "See this is exactly what I don't want for my wedding, way too tacky," before quickly turning pale as you took them off the counter.
On his behalf, I want to offer our deepest apologies. Evan has been trying to plan a wedding in three months, and it's turned him into a little bit of a bridezilla. Additionally, neither of us were aware that they were for your aunts funeral. Both of us extend our deepest condolences. May her memory be a blessing and may she rest in peace.
Please accept this virtual visa gift card as an apology.
For what it's worth I thought the flowers were lovely,
Maddie Han
P.S. I hope it's okay that the florist passed along your contact info! My brother really is lovely when he's not planning a wedding!
SUBJECT: Boundaries
Dear Mom,
Did you know Buck doesn't really speak to his parents? I'm sure you don't, because in the almost decade I've known Buck you've never once asked about him, other than for me to remind you which one he is. I can see the way your face floods with disinterest every time I bring him up. Maybe that's why it took you so long to understand what he meant to me, why it caught you so off guard that we're getting married.
Anyway, the point is that Buck doesn't talk to his parents often. They aren't good people. Buck and his sister always say "they're good people, but not good parents," but let's call a duck a duck. They're not good people. Buck's a savior baby, genetically engineered to save someone he doesn't have any memory of, an older brother. Daniel.
A nice Biblical name. A prophet who was saved from the lion's den by God. Daniel Buckley was given his own metaphorical lion;s den —cancer. The outlook was grim, he was likely to die before he could get to middle school. He'd miss out on birthdays and milestones, never get to drive a car or go to prom or get married. The Buckley's were desperate to save their son. So along came Buck, like the angel God sent to save Daniel.
Only Buck couldn't close the mouths of the lions. His young body wasn't enough to save Daniel, and he died. God's plan, our church would say. We'd look on with pity, pass around the collection plate, and then whisper about them behind their back. The poor Buckley's and their failed savior baby.
You'd think losing one child would bring you closer to your other two, but Buck's parents didn't see it that way. Buck grew up lonely, and desperate for his parents' attention. He'd jump out of trees and speed on his bike just to get his parents to look his way. Sometimes when he falls asleep I count the scars on his body that he gained just from pleading for their affection.
So yeah, Buck and his parents don't really talk. I mention this because sometimes I envy it. Buck talks about the distance between them and I selfishly think why can't I have that kind of relationship with my parents?
It shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't hurt me so deeply to love you. I shouldn't feel dread every time the phone rings and I see your contact. I shouldn't feel like such a disappointment to the people who are supposed to love me. Why can't I ever be enough? I think I need a break, from calls, and texts, and the way you sigh into the phone like I'm a fucking idiot.
I just need a break from it all.
Your son,
Eddie
SUBJECT: New voicemail on your google phone number
[Transcript of voicemail from HELENA DIAZ]
Eddie. I'm not sure why you're not picking up your phone. I hope this number actually works, I had to get it from your cousin. She said it was listed on the wedding website. My invitation hasn't come yet, by the way. I'm assuming it's because we're in Texas, but if it doesn't come in the next few days you should resend it. Did you hand stamp the invitations? I thought I taught you to do that the first time?
Anyway I called because I haven't heard from you since our last conversation, and that dreadful email you sent. I understand that you're a little upset, but don't you think that this is all a little bit dramatic? Eddie, your father and I are concerned about you. This behavior is all a little rash don't you think? Marriages aren't just something you decide to do on a whim, I thought you would know that by now.
Anyway, please respond to my messages and calls, and have Christopher respond as well, he hasn't been responding to me since we last called. I hope you aren't letting our conversation impact his opinion toward his grandparents. That wouldn't be very fair of you.
Call me back when you can.
[END TRANSCRIPT]
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SUBJECT: Playlist details
Hi Mr. Buckley,
Just checking in about your final details for the music. I've attached an instrumental of that Bruce Springsteen song we were talking about. Take a look at it and see if you like it and we'll add it for your father son dance with Mr. Nash.
Other than that, all of the other songs should be set. I know you said your fiance is still deciding on if he wants to do a parent dance. If he ends up wanting to do it I'll just need to know day of. If he decides not to we'll just go straight into his dance with his son.
No worries either way, parents are hard. After DJing this long trust that I've seen some real monster in laws.
Talk soon,
Pat
Electric Sounds DJs
SUBJECT: Dinner tonight????
Hi Bobby,
Sorry for the email, but I'm at the courthouse getting our marriage certificate and the service sucks and I have a singular bar of wifi. I was wondering if I could come over for dinner tonight? Just me? Eddie and I are, well I don't know. We're not fighting. We're not even doing badly. It's just that he's so sad about things for this wedding. Not about the getting married part. I know he's excited for that, maybe even more excited than me.
He's feeling really torn up about his family and I don't know how to help him. I just want this to be a good experience for him, and I want him to feel like he's doing the right thing.
Love you,
Buck
SUBJECT: RE: Dinner tonight????
Buck-
Of course, I'm doing a pasta bake if that works for you? Athena is working and Harry is hanging out with friends so it will just be us. I'll tell you again when I see you, but Eddie loves you and you don't have to convince him he's doing the right thing by marrying you. Just keep stepping into the mess with him and you'll both be fine.
Love you,
Bobby
P.S. Bring garlic bread from that bakery on the side street near the courthouse.
SUBJECT: I got your voicemails
Hi Mom,
When did I stop being your favorite? I know I used to be. We used to be close. You used to tell me things you wouldn't tell the girls under the guise of me being the oldest. We'd stay up and eat ice cream after the girls had gone to bed when Dad wasn't home. You'd hold me when I cried. You'd tell me you loved me, and you were proud of me. You said I was talented, and kind, and special. When did that stop?
Was it when two little lines appeared on a stick in Shannon's bathroom? Is that when all your hopes and dreams for me crumbled? Maybe it was when I didn't die oversees. It would have been so much easier then wouldn't it? If I had been buried with an American flag over my coffin and a bullet in my chest. Died a war hero instead of a disappointment.
You'd be able to tell all your friends about me that way. About how I "did the right thing" and died "defending my country." Defending my country half way across the world shooting people who look more like me than my elected officials. Right. A white knight death for your darling boy —who went across the world to spread peace with weapons like the holy crusaders before him.
It was before all that though wasn't it? It was when my glances at the other boys stared getting a little bit too long. When I didn't have crushes on girls in middle school? When I spent more time with the women in our family than the men?
Was it one specific instance or a million little things? When did the light bulb go off in your head? Were we all sat down to dinner one day, saying grace, and suddenly you realized I wasn't the little boy you loved anymore?
I have to know, is it the gay thing or is there something else that's fundamentally wrong with me? Is there some flaw, some chip in the perfect son veneer that you noticed? Am I just not good enough? Help me understand.
Understand. Maybe that's the crux of it. Because I just don't understand you. I can't understand how you can call me and tell me getting married is a mistake and in the same breath ask me what color you should wear to the wedding. I don't understand how you can be so insistent on ruining something that makes me so happy.
I don't understand how you can have a son and not want what's best for him. I just don't understand.
Your son,
Eddie
P.S. Buck sent you some dress inspiration photos from the wedding email.
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: Music suggestions
Harry.
For the last time I'm not having the cha cha slide at my wedding. It's tacky. We're a classy couple, I don't care that you like the song. Please stop playing it in the bunk room in order to convince me. I'm willing to compromise with the YMCA being played once, and only after I'm drunk enough not to worry about it.
I will say the dance you did with May and Ravi did endear me and I'm willing to set aside a couple minutes after all of the special dances for you all to perform Super Trooper. BUT Hen told me you're referencing Mamma Mia, and that it isn't original choreography so please know that I'm less impressed than before.
If you want to wear the fun outfits that's fine but they HAVE to stay on theme with the wedding colors. I can't have you clashing with the floral arrangements. Please refer to the wedding website, or preferably, let May handle it.
Excited to have you at the wedding probie,
Buck
TO:
SUBJECT: Christopher? Winona Ryder? I can't see a difference [DRAFT]
Hi Shan,
Me again. Do you remember how you used to steal lip gloss from the corner store because the owner gave you the creeps? Well, turns out your klepto genes were inherited by our son. Today I went to change the sheets in his bedroom and I found a photo of me that I know for a fact used to be on the mantle in my parents house.
I asked him about it and the little shit pulled out a box of at least a dozen photos and an entire photo album. Apparently when he fled the state he took all of the photos of us in the house. He fed me some line about how she hadn't earned the right to our photos anymore. There's some of you in here too. Not that my mother kept many of you in her home, but still, it was nice to see your face.
We looked through them for a while, and I told him stories about some of them. Then he pulls out this photo of me from third grade I think? I've got this tooth missing and my backpack is twice the size of me. I'm not sure if you've seen it. It's not one my mother put out because I insisted on wearing pants that were too short for me because they were my favorite pair. I'm not sure why she seems to think I went to school in the Victorian era, but she's so fucking offended by my exposed ankle.
Anyway. I haven't seen the photo in years, but Chris pointed it out specifically. He pulled out his phone and showed me a photo Buck and I took of Chris at the zoo. It was a little spooky looking at it. He's never looked so much like me. He's the one who pointed it out, but now that he's looking at it I can't stop thinking about it.
I wonder if that's what my mom sees when she looks at Chris. All the wasted potential of her once golden boy.
Did you ever see me in parts of him? I see parts of you all the time. I see you everywhere, especially now with all of this wedding planning. We picked out flowers yesterday, and I felt sick at the sight of the petunias. My mother always got you some for the holidays even though they're her favorite and not yours. Because you're a freak and like baby's breath. Do you know how odd it was to go to the florist and ask for just baby's breath? I always looked like the worst husband.
Maybe I was the worst husband.
It's so different now, Shan. Night and fucking day. There's no looming threat of what comes next. Because next is just more of the same. The same perfect bubble I've been living in since Buck and I got together. I'm sorry about that. About the blissful happiness that comes with truly loving the person you're going to marry.
I'm sorry you never got to experience that. I'm sorry you never got to be so in love you're dizzy with it. You deserve that. Deserved that. I'm sorry I still write about you in present tense. Like you're still a twelve hour drive away, not buried twelve minutes away and six feet underground.
I'm sorry Chris looks me when I smile. I'm sorry you don't get to see him grow up. I'm sorry you never got to fall in love. I'm so fucking sorry.
I love you, talk soon.
Eddie
TO: A Shift Mailing List
SUBJECT: Color Blind Test
Hi everyone,
Please see the link to the color blind test attached [link]. I'm worried that it may impact the important work we do as firefighters since you clearly don't understand the difference between blue and green!!!!! I know that I said majority rules for which table setting we'd go with, but there was a clear winner that was robbed!!!!
So all of you must take the test and send me your results before your vote can count.
Repent for your sins,
Buck
TO: A Shift Mailing List
SUBJECT: RE: Color Blind Test
Buck,
I don't know if the was the most appropriate use of the a shift mailing list. Let's keep wedding related emails separate from work. I thought your table setting choice was nice, but Eddie's really popped.
Bobby
TO: A Shift Mailing List
SUBJECT: RE: RE: Color Blind Test
My table setting selection is superior Buck. Just accept it.
Eddie
P.S. we're out of juice
TO: A Shift Mailing List
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: Color Blind Test
Boys,
Once again, let's keep personal chat out of shift mailing list.
Thanks,
Bobby
TO: A Shift Mailing List
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: Color Blind Test
Okay but we are out of juice. That was a work related juice request.
Eddie
SUBJECT: Your delivery is on it's way!
Hi Bobby!
Your instacart order is on it's way! Your Gallon Orange Juice and Gallon Apple Juice will be there shortly!
Need help?
[contact us]
SUBJECT: What's in a name?
Hi Bobby,
I've been thinking a lot about biblical names. I think it's because Dad bought Buck a Saint Christopher's medal to match his. I helped pick it out. Christopher's a nice name. I like the idea that in some small way my name helped protect Dad, and I like that I can always find my name on those novelty keychains at the zoo. (Sorry Buck.)
Other than that though, I've never thought much about the weight of having a religious name. It's odd to think that there's been thousands of other Christopher's who were named for reasons similar to mine. That other expecting parents looked through old baby books and came out with the name Christopher.
Weird huh? But I think the weirdest thing about religious names is the way it sets you up for things you can't possibly achieve. I didn't keep my dad safe at war, that was all him. I'm not a Saint, I'm all flesh and blood. I ate a hot dog from the gas station today, nothing about me is holy.
No one else biblical adjacent names—I checked. Just little old me. Except, weirdly my mother. Don't worry, you didn't forget any bible story. Shannon's not in the bible, but Hannah is. Her maiden name. Shannon Hannah. Shannon Diaz née Hannah.
Isn't that a stroke of luck? Intrinsically tied to the good book by luck of your last name. It's not like her parents were looking in baby books for her last name. No one went searching for saints when naming my mother.
Still, there it is in her last name. Do you remember the story of Hannah? She couldn't have a child and she prayed and prayed for a child and along came Samuel. It's a nice happy ending for her, especially for something from the old testament, but it doesn't really sit right with me.
At the time all women's worth was measured by their ability to bare children. So was she really asking for a son or was she asking to be worth something to someone? Were her desperate pleas to god a great agonized wail of someone desperate to change her circumstances? After all, she then left Samuel at the temple.
Will she forever be remembered solely as something that was only tertiary to her true goals? It's funny, how becoming a mother only improved Hannah's role in society and it did the exact opposite for my mom. Both Hannah and Shannon defined by their motherhood whether they wanted it or not.
I know neither of us are mothers, but I wonder if you think about it too. My mother the symbol, my mother the obstacle, my mother the memory. Never my mother the person. Is it selfish to think of her this way? Who is—was— she outside of being my mom?
Yours,
Christopher (greek origins. def. bearer of christ, a lot to live up to, huh?)
SUBJECT: RE: What's in a name?
Hi Chris,
Names are funny, I'll give you that. I remember naming my kids and the weight that responsibility held. You want a lot for your kids before they're born, you imagine what their life will be like. Will they be rich? Successful? Find love? Maybe they'll be the next president or a great athlete, or just grow up to be better than yourself.
Then that faithful day comes and that split second before they come into the world, all you can want —all you can hope— is that they breathe. That they take their first gulps of air before releasing it into the world for you to hear. The scream a confirmation of the fire that lives inside them.
After that first cry the rest doesn't matter much. The future is narrowed down to a single second, and then to a hundred years where you don't care what the hell they grow up to be just so long as they grow up. Of course, I didn't get that particular wish.
Still, I imagine your mother's birth was just the same. Maybe your late grandmother read it in a book or had a friend she loved with the name. Or maybe, it just had a good ring to it. Either way it was the name that fit. Your mother came into the world screaming and was hence forth known as Shannon. A lovely name, apparently meaning both possessor of wisdom and old river.
As for your biblical musings. I think it's fine you question your mother's relationship to motherhood. I think it's every teenagers right to question their reality, but don't let it plague you. So what that she didn't ask to be your mother? You didn't ask to be her son, and yet you love her all the same. She loved you Christopher. The same way Hannah loved Samuel, even if you doubt it. She may have believed that God had other plans for him, but each year she brought him a robe during her pilgrimage. She may have left, but he never left her emotionally.
Your mother left, then on her pilgrimage she came back. It's not traditional, and I know it's not the relationship you would have planned. She was complicated, like her biblical predecessor and so many other women history has largely forgotten. Still, she loved you, and you love her.
I know it's not much, but I hope you find comfort in that.
Yours,
Robert, (german origins. def. shining with glory, not sure I lived up to that one either)
TO: BuckandEddie Bet Mailing List
SUBJECT: Final Deliberations
Hi Everyone,
I really appreciate your patience as Hen and I deliberated on questions that were raised. Clearly this was a contentious topic among the group. After much thought, Hen and I are in agreement that Eddie presenting Buck with a Saint Christopher medallion is NOT a proposal, and we will not be distributing pay outs at this time. While we understand that giving jewelry can be a part of the proposal process, we believe that this was simply a romantic gesture rather than a full proposal.
I understand that for many of you this news is disappointing. Including myself, as my own wife would have benefited from the ruling going the other way. Truthfully, I almost threw it because I've been wanting one of those ninja ice cream machines. Hopefully my transparency shows you how devoted I am to the cause. (Also if anyone buys that ice cream machine off of Buck and Eddie's wedding registry, please let me know if you get some sort of coupon or referral code.)
So with that, the proposal bet still lives on!
Happy betting!
Chimney Han
Co-chair of the 118 Betting Committee
TO:
SUBJECT: Madonna (not the pop star) [DRAFT]
Shan,
I don't think we ever talked all that much about religion, other than the heavy weight it had on both of our shoulders. Except for one time, do you remember? Someone had mentioned something about the feast of immaculate conception and I made some crude joke about having a holiday for Mary getting knocked up.
You whipped your head around so fast and informed me that, actually Eddie, the immaculate conception refers to Mary's conception not Jesus'. Typical boy forgetting all about Mary.
Soon after, Chris was not so immaculately conceived, and I forgot all about Mary. I'm thinking about her now. The Virgin Mary. Probably younger than us when we had Chris, but not by much. Do you think she was as scared as we were? More importantly, do you think she understood what would happen?
Jesus may have been the son of God, but he was Mary's son first. She's the one who held him to her chest in the manger and the one who stood by the foot of the cross as he died. Where the fuck was god?
Do you think she liked s'mores? Or the sound the ocean makes as it crashes on the waves? Do you think she ever planned on being a mother? Do you think she resents god? The way you resent me?
The Blessed Mother Mary and the Crucified Mother Shannon. Not so different. Yet my mother reveres one and still curses the name of the other. Speaking of my mother, (I know not your favorite topic, forgive me) she's flying out Friday for the wedding on Saturday.
They're not coming any earlier because Adriana managed to convince them it was important for them to attend some charity fundraiser Mom's friend is throwing. Thank god for Adriana. I don't think I could have dealt with my mother being here a whole week like she wanted to.
I honestly don't even want her here at all. Things have been so tense that I'd rather just have one day without my parents ruining everything. I love Buck and I'm excited as all hell to marry him, but the idea of having them there sort of kills me. Buck doesn't deserve their bullshit, and honestly I'm beginning to realize I don't either.
God and I aren't really talking these days, but if we were, maybe I'd ask him to make them miss their flight. It wouldn't matter anyways, he never listens to me as it is. Do you guys talk? Maybe you could put in a good word for me.
Or maybe you could just do it yourself. I'm honestly a little surprised you're not haunting the mortal world as it is. Actually, now that I think about it, are you? I swear the coffee table keeps moving an inch to the right every couple of days, and Buck swears it's not him.
That's the kind of shit you'd do as a ghost, just fuck up my life in tiny inconceivable ways. I'd deserve it, and honestly I'd welcome it. I'm happy to have my house haunted if it means there's a piece of you there. But stop fucking with the coffee table, I almost broke my toe last weekend.
Anyway, this will probably be my last email before the wedding. I hope you get to see it somehow. I'll save a seat for you.
Love always,
Eddie
Subject: New voicemail on your google phone number
[Transcript from voicemail from HELENA DIAZ]
Eddie. It's me again. My calls still aren't going through to your other phone. Maybe you're working. Anyway. Just checking in. Our flight leaves tomorrow at one. Pepa is picking us up from the airport. I'm sure your house is full with your sisters and…. Buck. We're apparently going to get some rain, maybe thunderstorms. I'm a little worried that our flight is going to get canceled.
Maybe that's a sign or something Eddie. It's all a little fast don't you think? No one would judge you for canceling, especially if your parents weren't able to be there.
Just think on it. I love you.
[END TRANSCRIPT]
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SUBJECT: Some weather we're having, huh?
Mom,
It's raining in Texas, gearing up for what's supposed to be a pretty nasty thunderstorm. Funny, it hardly ever rains El Paso. Even less than it rains in LA.
Nothing good ever happens in the rain, but the skies are clear and sunny here in LA. Maybe that's god telling me something. Who knows, I always think he's trying to tell me something, but he never is.
Anyway, thunderstorms. Buck was struck by lightening, dead for three minutes and seventeen seconds. I counted. I still count. Moments between his breaths when he's sleeping, the beating of his heart under my fingers, the time it takes him to leave a burning house on a call. I always count.
You taught me that, I think, we'd count the seconds between the thunder and the lightening. The higher we'd count, the further away from it we were. I always do it to this day, even did it a couple of years ago when I was climbing into a well on a call.
Then the lightening hit and suddenly I was buried thirty feet underground with no way up. The timeline gets blurry. I was freezing and hurt and all I could think about was Christopher. I remember screaming though, yelling for help I knew wasn't coming. I'm still alive down here.
I mention this not because I want pity, or for you to remind me how dangerous my job is. I'm very aware of your thoughts on my job and how it impacts parenting ability. I'm mentioning it because it's not the first time I've been trapped with the weight of the world on top of me.
No, the first time that happened is when I came home wearing nail polish at nine and Dad made me scrub it off in the sink. My hands bled. I had to use a step stool to get to the bandaids on the high cabinet.
I had to be the man of the house. So there went the nail polish into the metaphorical well. Then it was the friends I was making, Dad pulled me aside and said that boys really shouldn't be friends with girls. So I tossed them too. The funny feeling in my gut when I looked at a boy in seventh grade? Into the hole it went. The way I felt like I could never properly love Shannon, pushed down deeper with every judgemental comment from you.
The feeling in my chest when I saw the dirt under Buck's fingernails, the feeling of knowing he tried to dig me out with his bare hands? Buried. Except, things like that don't stay buried.
All my life these thoughts, these wants, are screaming at me We're still alive down here! And I'm ignoring them, begging them to go away. The problem is all those things about myself that I pushed down are still me. So, I clawed my way out of a well out in a field in California and my queerness clawed it's way out of my stomach straight through my throat until I was practically choking on it.
Now it's here, out in the open, and I'm marrying a man whether you like it or not. Maybe you'll make a scene at the wedding, or maybe you'll just sit quietly and let it all happen and I'll get to hear your passive aggressive remarks for the rest of my life. I could be optimistic and hope you'll come to accept that this is your son and you'll love me for who I truly am, but I've waited more than thirty years for that already.
I can't keep begging you to understand me, to care about me, to love me. I don't have it in me. I've put myself through hell and back for you and it's still not enough. But guess what? I'm still alive, out here in the open.
I have to keep living. I just have to. Every part of me.
Yours,
Eddie Buckley-Diaz
TO:
SUBJECT: taps mic… is this thing on? [DRAFT]
Dear God,
It's me Christopher. Christopher Diaz, that is. I'm sure you know a lot of Christophers, given the saint and the whole Christ thing. Anyway... We don't talk much, and I'm not actually sure you can get emails, but I've sent crazier emails so here goes nothing.
I'm not sure how I feel about you. I've got some sort of cognitive dissonance going on, because I don't have a single reason to believe in you, but sometimes I really want to. I want the comfort, I want the idea that there's something out there. Hell I even kind of want the fun dressings of catholicism. The stained glass and the gold fixtures appeal to me, what can I say?
More than anything I want you to be real, because if you're up there then my mom is too. If you're real then she's really looking down at me and smiling. It's why you appeal to me, because I'm always chasing the parts of my mom that I've lost.
Her voice on the breeze when a bird sings, her perfume on a random woman in the grocery store, the way I can still feel her judgemental gaze when I sneak dessert from the fridge after Dad's gone to bed. I miss her like a fucking limb, and I hope like hell she's with you.
It's selfish, I know that. Naive too, how much would I even see her if she was around? Would she want to stay in my life, or would she leave me too? It's ironic, that she fled Texas all those years ago, and then last year I fled to Texas. I've got my moms hair, her eyes, and the need for a flight risk warning label. Though, it could be argued Dad needed one of those too. Birds of a feather and all that.
Speaking of Dad, he's actually my reason for emailing you today. He's getting married tomorrow. I assume Mom knows, but if not would you mind passing along the message? Dad reserved a chair for her so she should at least know about it.
I didn't get him a present (other than the fact that I basically paid for the entire wedding, but I digress.) So I was kind of hoping you'd help chip in for something. Originally I was thinking a blender, but you don't seem like the kind of guy who deals with earthly money (which, speaking of, people donate an awful lot of money to you that you never seem to use. OK moving on.) So the blender is out, plan b: a wish. A godly wish (I guess that's a prayer, but so is this email technically). I know in my heart there's something Dad wants for his wedding that he hasn't gotten yet. I don't know what it is, you know how he is God, he hates asking for things. So whatever that is can you do it for him?
I appreciate it. Oh, and one more thing before I go. Tell Mom I love her. Not because she's my mom, just because she's a person worthy of love.
Amen, I guess,
Christopher
(Diaz, of Los Angeles, sandy hair and crutches in case you're still not sure which one I am)
SUBJECT: An Update to Your Flight
Hello Valued Customer,
We regret to inform you that due to unforeseen weather, your flight, and all flights flying out of ELP today are canceled. Please use our hotline to rebook or coordinate a refund.
[click here to read more]
SUBJECT: Vows
Hi May,
Thanks for logging into the wedding email and offering to print off the wedding vows and speeches for us. Buck told me to just write them in the email so you could "abuse the fuck out of canva premium on Buck's dime." So you'll see it down below.
I, Eddie, take you, Buck to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days in my life.
Buck, I can feel you drafting the angry text right now because I didn't write my own vows. These are decoy vows. STOP READING. You don't want to spoil this for yourself. Happy wedding, I'll see you tomorrow. I love you.
Okay, May do we think he's gone?
Buck. I spent my entire life searching for a higher power. I looked for god in books and churches and burning buildings. I spent so long searching for answers, for some sort of sign. Then one morning, I woke up to the sound of you and Christopher laughing and realized that all the things I had been searching for were right there.
God, holiness, faith, whatever— it lives in you. You exude it. Every question about the universe you answer and every doubt I have, you erase. Everything I am, everything I love about myself, shines brighter because of you. I never thought I'd have a great love like this, never thought I'd get to earn it. Then again, that's the part of my life you've changed about me the most. I never have to earn it. No repenting, no holy scripture, no dying on the cross. Just freely given, unrelenting love.
This is the part of the vows where we promise to love each other through sickness and health, but we've already done that one hundred times over. Just in case you forgot, though, I'll walk through fire for you, I'll jump off bridges and climb mountains. I'd fight god and the universe and the entire world if you asked me.
I love you.
(Buck if you read any of that I'm going to divorce you, I'll probably marry you again right after, but still. Do you really want to make me a twice divorced man?)
Thanks for all your help May,
Eddie Buckley-Diaz
SUBJECT: My Vows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May!
Below is my vows. Hopefully Eddie will have already sent his, I'm sorry I'm sending mine late but I've rewritten them like twenty times. I accidently drank three red bulls to finish helping with table arrangements and now here we are. I think I can feel all of my bones. Or at the very least all of my teeth. Thank you so much for all your help May. I really appreciate it.
Eddie,
I spent a lot of my life looking for a place I fit. I did my best to shove myself into places I thought I might be able to fit, but it never felt right. I never made it work properly, then I found the 118, and it was almost perfect— then I found you.
You're the love of my life, but before that, you were my best friend. I never had a best friend before you. I never had a person who looked at me, and truly saw me for what I was. More than just seeing the whole me, you liked the whole me. There are days that I don't always love myself as a person, but I am comforted that the person who I respect most on the planet loves me.
You're the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. If there is a god, he made me to love you. You and Chris are the greatest thing to ever happen to me, and I vow to make sure you're both aware of that.
Even when you're hungry and grumpy, even when I'm irrationally jealous, or Chris's annoyed because we're being mushy in front of him. I vow to keep choosing you over and over, because you were the first person to truly choose me. I love you.
Alright May, what do you think? Too cheesy? If so, it's too late now. I need to sleep or I'm going to die lol.
See you tomorrow bright and early!!!!!!
Buck
SUBJECT: Best Man Speech
Hi May,
Buck asked me to send my best man speech here since our printer is broken. He also told me that you could edit it in canva, but I don't really think that my speech needs to look fancy. Maybe you could put like a picture of someone from hotshots or something. Just a little bit of whimsy for when I read my speech.
Anyway here you go.
Hello everyone, thank you all for coming today. If you've enjoyed yourself, please remember that I'm the reason today is happening, and if you haven't enjoyed it, please remember I'm a minor and won't be held responsible for any of the issues with today. Please refer to the Los Angeles wedding show for all complaints.
Dad and I have been a team for most of my life. Eddie and Christopher, two peas in a pod. Dad has done everything possible to provide for me. He's given up so much of himself to support all of my dreams. Dad loves with every single cell in his body, and it's been an honor to be on the receiving end of that love.
Moreover though, it's been an honor to watch my dad be loved just as fiercely. The first day I met Buck was the day of the earthquake. It was my first ever earthquake, and I remember thinking afterward that the world wouldn't ever be quite the same. I was right. LA lost a few buildings, Tia Pepa lost a set of good china, and Dad and I found Buck.
Buck drove us home, and in some ways he never left. Even when he wasn't there his presence stayed. Buck made my life better, but more importantly he made my father's life better. My dad wasn't ever alone once he met Buck. In so many ways I grew up with my father. I watched him grow into the man he is now. I got to see him come into himself and become comfortable with who he is and who he loves. To know my father is to love him, and I'm eternally grateful to get to do both.
Some of you might know, that I've spent a lot of the past year trying to answer the questions of the universe. It might not surprise you to know that I haven't figured it out yet. Though, if anyone has any life advice, please feel free to send me an email. In my search, I've found one thing to be common. To love and be loved in return.
You can pray your whole life, repent for every sin, walk barefoot on coals, hell, even turn water to wine, and I don't think it would mean a single thing. There is no use living a pious life if it not a life that is filled with love. Regular people perform miracles every day by simply spreading love. This wedding, this relationship, this family the three of us have built, is a miracle. Being here, surrounded by all of these people who love you guys and love me is a blessing.
Dad and Buck, thank you for loving me, and for letting me love you both in return. I wish you a lifetime of happiness, blessings and miracles. Also you're welcome for the free wedding. Please remember all the money you saved when Christmas rolls around this year. I've been eying a steam deck.
Cheers!
Thanks again May!
Chris
TO: BuckandEddie Bet Mailing List
SUBJECT: Final Deliberations
Hi Everyone,
Well that sure was one beautiful wedding, and with the end of the wedding we have many bets to finalize! Here are the results. I'll also have some info about the largest bet, which obviously had some contention, but I'll save that for the end.
When will Buck cry first? Upon seeing Christopher
Winners: Maddie and Hen
When will Bobby cry? At the end of the vows
Winners: Ravi and Athena (Huge shout out to Bobby who wasted twenty dollars betting that he wouldn't cry)
Will Buck have a bridezilla moment during the wedding? (Surprisingly,) no
Winners: Karen, Maddie, May and Bobby
Will Ravi and May hook up at the wedding? YES (sorry to Ravi and May for not telling them about this bet)
Winners: Eddie, Karen, Bobby,
Will Eddie cry? Yes
Winners: Karen, Athena, Maddie, Hen, and May (Amazing sweep from the ladies on that one)
Who will catch the bouquet? Jee
Winner: Maddie (Never underestimate the Hans, people!!!!!)
Will Eddie's parents make a scene? Truthfully, idk how to award this one because they didn't come, so I'm calling it a wash and putting it into the larger pot. Though it probably should be acknowledged that Eddie's Aunt Louise did drunkenly dance so fabulously that it could be considered a scene.
Winners N/A
Who will mess up the super trooper dance number? Harry. (Which is crazy because he literally begged to do it)
Winners: May, Ravi, and Karen
And finally the one you've been waiting for, the one with the largest pay out, and the one that multiple of you have complained about for the last three months. The proposal bet.
After debriefing with Buck and Eddie I can confirm that neither of them proposed. I know this is disappointing for you as this is our longest running bet post Buck and Eddie getting together, but the good news is that this money will be going to their honeymoon. For clarity that's a donation of $1,555. (We really need to stop betting so much money this is becoming a serious problem, oh who am I kidding we'll never stop.)
Happy betting!
Chimney Han
Co-chair of the 118 Betting Committee
SUBJECT: Order Confirmation
Mr. Buckley-Diaz,
It was great talking to you and your husband today. I appreciate you doing business with us. Before we get this sent off to our engraver I want to confirm that the spelling is right and everything looks the way you want it. I have it written here:
Shannon Hannah
October 16th, 1992 - May 6, 2019
Always missed, always loved
Please let me know if you need anything changed or updated. As a reminder before installation you'll need to pay for the second payment of $750 for a grand total of $1,500.
Congratulations on your marriage and my condolences on your previous loss,
Mark
Memory Headstone Company
TO:
SUBJECT: Killer wedding present [DRAFT]
God,
Grounding the entire state of Texas is kind of an over reaction don't you think? Could have just made it so they couldn't find parking at the airport or something. You're kind of a drama queen, I'm learning to make my peace with that.
Anyway one more message for mom while you're listening. Tell her I love her, and I miss her every day. Tell her Dad and Buck love her too. Tell her that people she's never even met love her just from hearing me and Dad talk about her. Let her know that she was loved while she was alive, and I'm going to keep on loving her until my last breath. Mention the new headstone, I picked it out, I think the coloring really goes well with her plot. And tell her I know she totally rigged that raffle drawing so we'd win the free wedding. I'm sure she's been laughing at all of us for the last three months.
I love you mom,
Your son, Christopher