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~*~
“Damn it, Leon, you said you wouldn’t push,” Gwaine yelled.
Gwaine brushed an errant strand of hair back from his face in annoyance. He wanted to climb into bed with Leon and hope he got some sleep that night. He did not want to deal with…this. The fallout of that bastard Renhouse revealing his family history to Arthur and the others was far more complicated than he knew what to do with. He didn’t know what to do with all the hurt feelings and damaged trust. He was used to just being able to leave when such things happened.
Figuring out how to stay was a lot harder. Leon prodding him on the issue wasn’t helping.
He regretted that he’d already changed into the old, well worn shirt and trousers he used for sleeping in now that he had the coin and stability to own more than one of each. He also wasn’t entirely sure where he’d kicked his boots. Storming out of Leon’s room like this would just cause even more rumors. That was the last damned thing he needed.
Maybe that was why Leon had waited…
Leon sighed but didn’t rise from where he sat perched on the edge of his bed.
“That was before you spent three days snapping at everyone because you’re upset,” Leon replied. “You needing time to deal with having your family history revealed to Arthur and all of our fellow knights is one thing. You being an absolute ass to people who had nothing to do with it is quite another. You nearly made a servant girl cry today, Gwaine. That’s not you. Nor is snarling at me for daring to ask if you’re alright.”
Shame and guilt twisted and twirled through Gwaine’s gut at that. The poor servant girl was new and already having a rough day. Gwaine being rude to her was the last thing she’d needed. Especially not for something as simple as bumping into him with a basket of linens.
“I apologized to her,” Gwaine defended, though the words sounded weak to his own ears.
He’d also gotten an earful about it from Merlin when he’d heard about it later in the day. Certainly not one of Gwaine’s finest moments.
Gently, Leon agreed, “You did and that was good. I’m not saying you have to talk about it, though I think you should. But you have to do something. This behavior isn’t good for you and it isn’t fair to everyone else.” Quietly, he added, “I’ve been afraid you’ll go to the tavern and drink your nights away the last few days.”
Wincing, Gwaine shrugged.
“Trust me, I’ve thought about it,” Gwaine admitted. Running a hand through his hair, he continued, “Knew it would disappoint you though. And I’m doing enough of that right now.”
Finally, Leon stood.
“Going to the tavern because you want a drink and to relax there for a time is fine. You’re allowed time to yourself like that. Going there with the intention of forgetting everything else is what makes me worry,” Leon corrected gently. “And I’m not disappointed. I’m worried. Since you and Arthur damn near came to blows three days ago, you’ve not been yourself. You haven’t been this…this distant since you first came to Camelot. I’d let it go and give you space if I thought that was really what you wanted. But it’s not, is it?”
The worst part was, Gwaine himself didn’t know. Talking about it seemed like the worst thing he could do, but Leon was right. Taking it out on others wasn’t fair. He just didn’t know what to do. And he didn’t like feeling so unsure and helpless.
Leon reached for Gwaine, pulling him close and pressing their foreheads together. For a long moment, they just stood there, sharing breath and gathering themselves.
“I’m sorry,” Gwaine offered. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. My…troubles with my past aren’t your fault.”
Letting his hand slide up to tangle in Gwaine’s hair, Leon smiled softly.
“Thank you,” Leon replied. “They aren’t my fault, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to leave you to face them alone.”
Gwaine forced out a harsh breath.
“I love you,” Gwaine told him, still so shocked that he got to have this. “So damn much. The memories are nothing but pain. All they do is remind me of everything I lost. I hate having to talk about my past.” He felt the tears welling up in his eyes. “But I shouldn’t take that out on you. Not when you’re just…when you’re just trying to be here and love me and…I don’t know what to do with that, Leon. No one’s ever loved me like this before.”
Heart aching, Leon tugged Gwaine into his arms for a proper embrace. Gwaine sank into his hold, clutching at his back and clenching his fingers in the soft, worn fabric of Leon’s nightshirt.
“I love you more than I thought I would ever love someone,” Leon told him. “I wish I could fix this for you, make the past not hurt. But I cannot. All I can do is be here now, however you want me to.”
Softly, Gwaine murmured, “This is good.”
Smiling fondly, Leon just held on tighter.
“I can do that,” Leon assured. “For as long as you’d like.”
With a huff, Gwaine grumbled, “Keep making that promise and you’ll find yourself holding me for a long time.”
Pressing a kiss to Gwaine’s forehead, Leon replied, “No hardship at all.”
For several long moments, Gwaine just let Leon hold him while he truly let himself feel the deep ache of his past that he tried so hard to ignore. Gwaine was so damn tired of feeling like his past was a shadow looming over his life, threatening to ruin everything. Leon knew the truth now. Arthur knew the truth. Percival and Gwen did too. And they all still cared about him, for all Arthur would deny it…right up until someone else tried to badmouth Gwaine in some fashion then Arthur would be there defending his honor too. Gwaine had a life here in Camelot. One that he’d worked hard to build, something he’d never thought he’d do.
Privately, Gwaine made a vow. He’d keep working to build this life. He’d give it everything he had.
And he’d just have to trust that Leon would catch him if he faltered.
Dealing with his past was the first step to that. And for the first time in so many years, he had a reason to fight for his future.
~*~