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Lance wanted to die.
Okay that was an exaggeration. He didn’t really want to die, he just wanted to not exist for a few days or until this whole “depression” thing went away--whichever came first. He didn’t even know where it came from. One minute he was totally fine, relaxed and laughing at something stupid on the internet, and the next that all too familiar sense of dread set in, taking the air out of him in its wake.
It had been such a great day too! Hunk made the two of them a late breakfast then they went to the beach with Allura and Keith. He managed to convince the others to play chicken in the ocean--which getting Hunk and Allura to agree to was easy, Keith was the challenge--and he and his boyfriend won five out of the seven rounds they went! Allura had to leave a couple hours later to get to work, then Hunk was ducking out shortly after, but Keith was still there. The two went to the arcade then to dinner then back to Lance and Hunk’s apartment to watch a movie on the sofa.
Keith had somehow fallen asleep before him, and really, that should have been the first sign that something was wrong. He was lying between Lance’s legs with his head on his chest, one hand tucked under his cheek and the other draped over the arm of the couch, and Lance was lazily running his fingers through his hair. He looked down at his boyfriend, and felt the smallest smile forming on his face.
How did he luck out so much with Keith?
Lance knew he could be a little much, that he sometimes rubbed people the wrong way and came off as overly obnoxious. He recognized that he wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea, and that sometimes, people just hated him for no apparent reason. But people still liked him. He was sociable and friendly and always strived to put a smile on everyone’s faces. His younger siblings looked up to him, his friends depended on him, some people had even called him an inspiration . He knew this. He knew people liked him and that he was a role model to others. That’s what made this suck so hard.
People looked up to him, and he was letting them down. He wasn’t as truly confident as they thought. He didn’t really think he was the shit and a delight for people to have in their lives, it was just something he said in hopes that he would one day believe it.
He sighed, low and heavy, and let his hand still. Lance dropped his head back against the arm of the sofa to stare up at the ceiling, the smile slipping from his face.
“Damn,” he muttered, reaching a hand back to scratch at his head.
He wished he was as happy as everyone thought he was. He wished he could be as confident as Hunk saw him or as smooth as Pidge did. He wished he lived up to the pride Shiro felt having him as a friend and the high expectations Allura “knew he could achieve!” He wished he was as strong as Keith thought he was, when his boyfriend’s own mental health was causing him to fall and Lance was there to catch him.
Except he knew Hunk probably thought he was arrogant. And that Pidge thought he was an idiot. He knew how often he probably disappointed Shiro and Allura both. And Keith, well Keith flat out hated him at first. And how would he react when he realized just how weak he really was? He would probably leave him.
Not that Lance blamed him. He would leave him too.
He felt fingertips graze the back of his hand before more confidently grabbing it, and he looked down in time to see Keith put Lance’s hand back on his head. He snorted a laugh, and went back to running his fingers through his black hair, his nails gently scratching his scalp.
“Whatever you’re thinking, stop,” Keith grumbled, obviously still on the cusp of sleep but slowly bringing himself back to reality.
“How do you know it’s something bad?” Lance countered, one brow raised as he trailed his hand down his boyfriend’s face, his fingertips just barely caressing his cheek. “I could have been thinking how cute you are when you’re sleeping.”
“Statement stands,” he yawned, leaning into his hand much like a cat would. He rubbed a hand over his face before crossing his arm on Lance’s chest, resting his chin on it. “But that’s not it.”
“Keith, buddy, methinks you doth protest too much.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
Lance frowned, his heart sinking into his stomach, and looked away to stare at the wall instead of at Keith. “I’m not. It’s nothing important.”
“Bullshit,” Keith said, using his free hand to take Lance’s chin and force him to meet his gaze. “You stopped petting me and you have that kicked puppy look. What’s up?”
He put on a smile, though even he knew it didn’t reach his eyes. “Sorry baby, didn’t realize how dependent you are on head pets.” He reached a hand up to run his fingers through Keith’s hair, only to be swatted away.
“ Lance .”
He sighed, and dropped his head back, pulling out of Keith’s grip as he did. He knew that tone, that was his boyfriend’s “ I’m two seconds away from putting you in a headlock ” tone, and he never liked being on the receiving end of it.
“I just...I dunno. I just realized everyone like...has their thing and is super great and talented and I’m just...a let down? I guess? Like I know I’m stupid and I’m obnoxious, and I’m probably just kept around out of obligation, it just...it hit hard. Harder than I thought it would.”
Keith frowned, his brows furrowed, and cocked his head. “What are you talking about? Obligation? Seriously?”
“You don’t have to lie to make me feel better, Keith.”
“I’m not lying,” he said, pushing himself up so he was sitting on his knees, still between Lance’s legs. “Seriously though, how can you think that? I’m pretty sure you’re like everyone’s favorite person?”
“Yeah, okay,” he scoffed, rubbing both hands over his tired eyes. With a scowl he realized he was tearing up, and he stubbornly crossed his arms over his face.
“Lance…” He felt the cushion dip under Keith’s weight as he moved closer, and frowned when the other man took his wrists in a gentle grip. “Tell me what you think people say about you, and I’ll say if it’s true or false.”
“You’re just going to lie to make me feel better.”
“Literally when have I ever lied to make anyone feel better, Lance?” That was fair. Keith wasn’t exactly the most...comforting of individuals.
Lance sighed and pulled Keith closer, resting his chin on his boyfriend’s shoulder so he couldn’t see his face. “Okay, uh...Pidge thinks I’m stupid.”
“False.”
“ Seriously?”
“Lance, you’re not stupid. You may not be a rocket scientist, but that doesn’t mean you’re stupid.”
“Whatever… then, Hunk thinks I go overboard.”
“True, but we all love that about you. You throw yourself into everything and always give it your all. It’s endearing.”
That...made sense. “Shiro and Allura are disappointed in me.”
“ For what?” Keith asked, and Lance could just feel the incredulous look he was making. “False, so false. When I went over to their place Allura was telling me how proud she is of you and how much you’ve grown since she first met you. And Shiro could never be disappointed in anyone, it’s just not how he’s programmed.”
“Okay… You think I’m weak. And you hated me when we first met.”
“False,” he replied instantly, giving him a squeeze. “I know I was...kinda harsh, but I never hated you. I...I envied you. You know I’m bad at...this. At relationships and talking about things, but you always opened up to people so easily and I was jealous. And I had a crush on you and was kinda stuck in the whole grade school ‘if you bully someone it means you like them’ thing.”
Lance felt a more genuine smile slip onto his face, and he hid it in Keith’s shoulder. “Wow...you had a crush on me? That’s embarrassing.”
“We have literally been dating for two years Lance, shut up,” he laughed, and even in his worst mindsets that was still the most beautiful sound Lance had ever heard.
“Yeah okay. But still.” He paused, fingers nervously fiddling with the back of the other man’s hoodie. “But what about...my siblings look up to me, right? I’m like their role model or whatever. And people have told me I’m an inspiration to them because I’m super confident with who I am and my sexuality and all that junk but like...I’m terrified. Sometimes when we’re out and I’m holding your hand I’ll see the looks we’re getting and I feel like someday someone’s gonna do more than just glare at us and I get scared because I want to keep you safe and-”
“Lance,” he murmured, moving one arm from around his waist to cradle his head. “It...sucks. But I feel that way too. That doesn’t make either of us any less strong or confident in who we are. Hell, we made out in front of those pissed off protesters at pride, and whose idea was that?”
“Mine…”
“It’s okay to worry...and to want to keep me safe. I want to protect you too. And your siblings realize you’re not perfect, Lance. Even superheroes have weaknesses.”
Lance sniffled, honest to god sniffled, and he had to resist the urge to pull away and hide like he usually did.
As if reading his mind Keith tightened his grip, and he pressed a kiss just above his ear. “If you try and book it I will chase you down and we both know I’m faster…”
“I know…”
They sat quietly a moment, and he tried to will the tears away before they could fall on Keith’s shoulder. He would subtly wipe them away the second they started to roll down his cheeks, but that apparently wasn’t going to fly.
“You know it’s okay to cry in front of me,” he murmured, breaking the silence. “I cried in front of you last time.”
“I know, but-”
“But what?” He echoed, gently pushing Lance away by his shoulders so he could look at him. “Lance. It’s okay to cry,” he repeated, cupping his face in his hands and leaning in close. “Crying is normal, it’s healthy.”
Lance sniffled, and quickly reached a hand up to wipe at his eyes. “Sorry, I just-”
“Don’t. Don’t apologize. It’s okay to have flaws and doubts, Lance, you don’t have to bottle them up. Please don’t...please don’t try and be strong for me. I see how you get sometimes, Lance. When we’re all together and you’re fine and you’re laughing, but then when you think no one is looking you get this look in your eyes, and I...I hate that look.”
He chanced a glance at his boyfriend, and sure enough Keith’s expression was enough to release the floodgates. It started slowly, one tear, then two, then before he could stop it he was practically bawling, freely and openly without so much as an attempt to hide it. And Keith held him, quietly rocking him the way Lance did for him, and just waited.
Because he knew he would be okay. And deep down, Lance did too. One day he would be okay, and he would be just as confident and happy and sure of himself as everyone thought he was. But until then, he had Keith and all of his friends to remind him of his worth. And that was okay too.