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It was the usual morning, just like any other "normal" day on this bus. While the other Sinners and I were still reflecting upon what we left behind at N Corp, we were already en route to our next objective without much of a say. As such, here I am yet again in the front rows of the bus, just mindlessly tapping on my tablet while reflecting on Carmen's words.
Very few people are awake so early in the morning. Besides me, there's Vergilius, Faust, and Meursault, who is reading the morning newspaper as usual… And given the time, a certain someone should—
"Good morning, everyone!"
Plínio's eager voice cut through the silence as he joined right on time precisely at 6:35 am.
Why do I even know this? Meursault commented once, and I started to notice how precise that assessment were.
<Good morning Plínio. You're in a good mood.>
"Oh it's nothing, just felt being more cheerful this morning. Can't really explain why."
Since E corp I have noticed how more… "spontaneous" Plínio actually is, really tells how much he hid himself. While I thought about his developing acceptance, I noticed that he didn't go to his usual seat, but rather stopped right beside Meursault. Curiosity got the better of me so I stopped what I was doing and listened.
"Excuse me, Meursault? Would you mind if I sat beside you for a bit?"
Meursault only glanced up at Plínio and almost imperceptibly shook his head.
"No. I do not mind."
Plínio sat right beside him, glancing to the newspaper. Meursault seemed to notice Plínio's curiosity and shook his head yet again.
"No, there aren't any 'interesting' news today."
"Oh." Plínio answered almost disappointed, but his mood quickly returned to its casualness. "It's fine, it's not why I'm here. Though I was indeed curious about it."
Plínio sighed heavily and looked up at Meursault, guilty filled in his eyes for a moment. "Just wanted to say… I'm sorry for calling you a robot that one time. That was very harsh and unnecessary from me."
Meursault raised an eyebrow. "You had already apologized for that."
"I know, I know…" He sighed looking away, "I just… Felt that I should say it again, after seeing what you went through and understanding your beliefs a little better… My words feel particularly worse in hindsight, that's why I'm apologizing again."
Meursault stared at Plínio with his usual blank expression. "Apology accepted." A pause. "Again."
There was a weird pause between. Unspoken words being transmitted by their eyes alone, and Plínio clearly wanting to speak. Eventually, he found words. "So… How are you doing?"
"I'm doing well. Jeanne's recovery is going as expected."
"Indeed."
Yet another silence between them. Plínio was clearly struggling to find the right words with Meursault. Meursault noticed as well, of course.
"Speak your mind. I won't judge." Then, in almost a whisper, he added, "You still search validation."
Plínio seemed relieved, though pained at being so obvious. "Thanks… It's just a lot has been in my mind since we left N Corp… How do I put this…" He glanced outside, towards the morning sun. "We are… Similar in some aspects Meursault… Some, I would never say I understand you properly, that goes too much against what you believe…"
He sighed and looked back at him properly. "Your perspective is interesting, focusing on the now. You move forward despite your fears, anxiety, resentment, all the things that would make someone stop…" A pause. "Although I disagree that things, or at least a few, are all absent of intricate meaning, I believe there's a balance that can be argued…"
Meursault expression didn't change in the slightest, not even his posture, yet, I felt he seemed… Happy? By Plínio's words. "We can disagree. I believe you're free to have your own thoughts Plínio."
Plínio smiled slightly. "Though I think that's a conversation for another day."
"We can postpone a more in depth conversation, yes." Meursault returned to read the newspaper.
"There's more I want to say however…" Plínio glanced to the morning sun yet again. "…The sun." That immediately made Meursault look back to Plínio. "We both heard her voice. We both confronted her. And neither of us really… rejected her" Plínio almost hesitated, looking back to Meursault. "How you did you do it? I'm curious of what was your feelings, your thought process when it happened…" He then added quickly, "I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable for talking about it."
Meursault momentarily closed his eyes. "It is fine." He opened his eyes, looking at Plínio. "The sunlight spoke as though she understood me. She wanted to tell me who I truly was, another nail." He looked down to the newspaper. "She does not know me." A pause. "I could not accept her understanding of me. She had already decided what I was before I could decide for myself." Plínio listened carefully as he continued. "So I did not listen." Meursault turned a page. "Her words were too bright. Too certain."
Plínio stayed quiet listening to Meursault's every word, deeply considering his view. "I understand…" He looked back to the sun. "I am glad you can move on from every nail we put on you every time our gaze falls upon you…"
Then he hesitated yet again. "Though…" Meursault looked at him. "Do you wish I never laid my gaze on you ever again? So I don't nail you to a concept in my mind?"
"No." Meursault said immediately. “The chances that you would be able to do so and continue working beside me are comparable to the chances of a person being comparable in size to a planet.”
Plínio blinked. “…You really had to phrase it like that?”
“Yes.”
He stared at Meursault for another moment before laughing quietly. “Fair enough.”
Meursault continued. "I'm not as scared of the chains and nails inflicted on me anymore, nor I think your own are concepts that go too far from who I am." Plínio grew more thoughtful. "You are remarkably attentive to others, even when it took you considerable amount of time to look at yourself properly."
Plínio smiled, genuinely, to Meursault's words, like a weight was took off form his shoulders. "I'm glad… And thanks for the compliment."
"I was just stating a fact."
"I know, you're no flatterer." Plínio chuckled.
After a pause his expression got serious again. "…How do you deal when the voices get loud?" Meursault waited. "When you start doubting yourself? Have I really learned my lesson? Or will the sunlight blind me?"
The seriousness of his question weighted even me, but Meursault didn't falter. "You move forward. Just as I do." He paused. "You have already made your choice. Right or wrong, that doesn't change the fact you made it." Meursault's eyes returned to the newspaper. "You can examine your choices. You can regret them. You can change them. But you cannot move forward by remaining in the same place."
Plínio's visibly exhaled deeply, he smiled again. "Thanks… Although I do think there is a 'right or wrong' in this situation… You are right, I made my choice, it made me move forward, so I'll keep going."
Plínio patted Meursault's shoulder. "You are good at this I would say, but I think I've been only trauma-dumping you. Does it not annoy you?"
"On the contrary." Meursault said as blunt as ever. "I enjoyed it. We disagree in some aspects." He looked back at Plínio. "Yet the sympathy you carry in your words, actions, your concern for understanding others…" A brief pause. "Amuses me."
Plínio's expression softened. "I see… I'm glad." He withdrew his hand and chuckled. "And yet, we still don't really understand each other, and probably never will."
"Correct."
"Yet we chose to have this conversation, that in the grand scope of things, is futile."
Meursault gave the faintest of a smile. "Indeed."
He chuckled again. "I find meaning in this."
Meursault raised an eyebrow. "Meaning?"
"A sense of… connection I suppose." He shrugged. "You disagree, yet enjoy it… An interesting mix."
"Yes."
Plínio patted again Meursault's shoulder and slowly stood up. "Well, we can continue this talk later. I'm eager to reflect with you what is your regarding the nature of religious belief and how you see it."
"Hm." Meursault pondered. "That will be a long talk. We have to choose a time free enough to not get in the Manager's way."
"We can think of something…" Plínio stepped aside. "Now, if you excuse me, I’ll return to my usual seat. When Ryōshū comes in she’ll probably demand my attention so we can continue interpreting Araya’s will on the sword.
"Until then."
I watch Plínio settle into his usual seat, and Meursault return to the newspaper, like nothing even happened at all. My focus returned to my PDA as I tapped it absently.
I kept thinking of their conversation… Neither had convinced the other. Neither had abandoned their beliefs. And somehow, they had still found something worthwhile in talking about them. Perhaps that was the point, or perhaps I am the one looking for it. All their perspectives are valid, but now I keep wondering about myself… What exactly is my view on all this? I'm still unsure…
Maybe… Maybe I should join next time.