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A ray of sunshine crept through the blinds and rested across Dean's eyes. It was undeniable that he was not as young as he once was, as he felt overwhelmed by a terrible hang over. He closed his eyes, rubbing his forehead, trying to gain some clarity. That's when scenes from the night before began to flash into his mind. Piece by piece, he relived his night of passion with Castiel. He looked down and found the shirtless angel past asleep with his arm draped over him, and his head rested on the side of his chest. So, it wasn't a dream. Dean thought to himself, also remembering how his own brother and Gabriel had set the two of them up. Dean ran his fingers through Castiel's hair, before carefully getting out of the bed, trying not to wake him.
Dean hopped in the shower, hoping to find some relief from his now pounding head ache. As the hot water hit his face, he began thinking, once again, about the previous night. He couldn’t help but wonder how things were going to be different from now on. Where would things go from here? They obviously couldn’t have a normal relationship of any kind. He knew there wouldn’t be date nights and anniversary parties. They wouldn’t share mutual friends, only mutual enemies, and any late-night calls exchanged would be cries for help. Dean was trying to make peace with the fact that all they would ever have is the battle field of evil, and this run-down motel room. As he contemplated the only real possibility, he wondered if it was even worth it. Was it worth exposing true vulnerability for something that he couldn’t even have? He couldn’t help but wish, in his mind, that he and Cas had met at a different time, at a different place, in a different universe where they could have a life together.
He dreaded getting out of the shower. Dean had worked himself into a panic and didn’t want to face Cas. He was good at nights, but usually never stuck around for mornings with someone, and he didn’t know what to say. It was true that he loved Castiel. The love he had for him was beyond measure. Cas had been there for him so many times, risked his own life for him so many times, that Dean felt forever indebted to him, but he truly felt like he had nothing to offer the celestial being. Castiel was an angel, for Christ’s sake! He had seen Heaven, he had lived Heaven, he had seen the face of God. What could Dean possible have that would compare to the eternity that Cas had known? For the most part, Dean’s life would give him quite the opposite. They had, after all, first met in the depths of Hell.
Reluctantly, he stepped out of the shower and redressed. He realized that he had left his shirt in the bedroom, and he couldn’t hide in the bathroom forever. As he stepped back into the room, Castiel was draping on his trench coat, then turned to face Dean. With a bright smile, Cas asked, “How are you, Dean?”
Dean avoided eye contact as he grabbed his shirt. “I’m fine.” He replied, in an almost cold tone of voice. His heart was screaming “Look at him, you idiot!” but his mind said “You’re in too deep. Distance yourself.”
Castiel’s smile faded. He was confused by the harshness of Dean’s voice. “Is something wrong?” he asked, walking over and handing Dean his jacket.
“Nope. All is well.” He said, giving yet another short answer. He put his jacket on and walked passed Castiel to his duffle bag. He never gave him even a passing glance, as he began to pack up his stuff.
Castiel could feel the tension radiating from Dean. “This is about last night.” He stated, now feeling guilty about having indulged in his lusts for Dean.
“There is no ‘this’.” Dean replied in a monotone voice, as he continued to pack his bag.
“So, we’re just not going to talk about anything? Is that how this works?” Castiel’s heart was confused. The night before, they had shared so much passion, they had confessed their love for each other. Why was Dean all of a sudden being so cold?
In a whirl of aggravation, Dean dropped his bag and stood to face Castiel. “You wanna talk? Go ahead! What’s there to talk about?”
Castiel gazed into Dean’s eyes. They were cold, but behind his ‘tough guy’ act, Castiel could see the underlying cause of Dean’s hostility. Fear. “Dean, it’s okay to be afraid.” Castiel took Dean by the hand, “I am. I’ve never experienced anything like this before in my entire existence.”
Dean hung his head, and stared at their hands, intertwined together. It was true, that deep down he was afraid. Afraid of being hurt again, but even more afraid that, at some point, he would hurt Castiel. He knew that his track record was not flawless. He had chalked up more heart breaks and more hurt than anything, and though he had a deep love for Cas, he was afraid that he could not guarantee anything else for him.
Dean, slowly, pulled his hand away. “Look, man,” he said, once again avoiding eye contact, “I just need to get my head straight.” He didn’t even know what he meant by that, but he was hoping it would buy him some time to figure things out. Then, he looked up at Castiel to see his reaction.
Castiel pressed his lips together, not knowing how to respond. He felt angry. He felt hurt. He felt confused. So, he just nodded before walking passed Dean and leaving the room. Dean sighed. One part of him wished that he had never confessed him true feelings, that he had never let things get so deep. Another part of him was angry at himself for the way he was acting. He wrestled his conflicting thoughts in his mind. What had happened could not be taken back. He had already said the words; he had already expressed his emotions. Now, he had to figure out how to handle something that he couldn’t walk away from. He grabbed his bag, and headed outside as well.
Sam and Gabriel were leaning against the hood of the Impala talking and laughing. Castiel was already sitting in the back seat. The sunlight hurt Dean’s eyes, and more so, his head. He knew that he couldn’t handle his alcohol like he used to. He threw the keys at Sam, who caught them as if he were already expecting it. “How ya feeling?” Sam asked with a chuckle in his voice. It was obvious that Dean was a wreck. Though they couldn’t see that it was caused by more than a hangover, they joked about it.
“Don’t ask.” He got into the passenger seat and slammed the door, then regretted slamming the door so loudly. He leaned his head back, and kept his eyes closed. Castiel sat directly behind him, but felt as if they were worlds apart. He just stared out the window blankly. Gabriel got into the back seat with Castiel, and Sam got into the driver’s seat, also slamming the door.
“Jeez! Could you not!” Dean exclaimed, gripping his forehead. Sam and Gabriel snickered.
“A little too much to drink last night?” Sam asked, already knowing the answer. Dean just covered his eyes with his arm and turned to face the window, sinking down in his seat. Gabriel snapped his fingers and they were snapped into reality where they were driving down the roads of Ohio. The entire car was silent. Sam tried to ease the tension by speaking up about something other than the previous night. “So, there’s some pretty weird activity going on in Sandusky...it’s been a slow couple of weeks. Maybe we should check it out.” No one responded. Neither Dean or Castiel even acted as if they had heard him.
Gabriel also noticed the tension in the car, so he replied, “Sounds good to me. What’s going on in Sandusky?”
Sam answered, “Lots of missing people going missing mysteriously. Could be nothing, but like I said, not much going on lately. What do you think, Dean?”
Dean heard Sam, and just gave him a thumbs up before pulling his jacket over his face. Dean had loved someone before, he had even been in love a time or two in his life, but he had never felt as strongly about anyone as he did for Cas. At the same time, he was confused about his feelings. Castiel was an angel, in a man’s body. They technically weren’t even the same creature, but physically, they were the same sex, and Dean was conflicted with his identity. He hated the fact that his brother knew he had been intimate with a man, and felt a sense of shame. Though Sam seemed to have experimented some as well, or so he indicated from Gabriel’s actions, Dean didn’t want his brother to think less of him. He didn’t want Sam to think he was weak. In the deepest recesses of Dean’s soul, he needed Cas! He craved his presence and he loved his soul, but he was afraid of expressing himself. He was used to showing off his numerous conquests, thinking that it made him a man. How was he just supposed to change his ways, and still save face?
“So,” Gabriel interjected, trying to Castiel to say something, “I got something you may be interested in, bro.” Castiel turned to look at him, but didn’t say anything. Gabriel pulled a glowing, blue vial from his jacket pocket. “This might help you deal with those pesky feelings.”
Dean heard what Gabriel said and turned slightly to see what he was talking about. Castiel’s grace! Would things be different if Castiel had his grace back? Would he still feel the same way about Dean? Dean’s gaze met Castiel’s for a split second. He had worry in his eyes, unsure of what to expect. Castiel could see Dean’s concern, and he shared the same concern. He had always had feelings for Dean, but since everything had happened between them when Castiel didn’t have it, he wondered if his grace would change anything. Before Castiel could object, Gabriel pried open the vial and Castiel’s grace returned to its origin.
Dean huffed as he turned back around in his seat. Now, he felt angry. Why didn’t Cas try to stop him?! Why didn’t he speak up? Then Gabriel said, “That should make you feel better. Anyhow, I’m cramped in this car. I’ll catch up with you fellas later!” He leaned up and kissed Sam on the cheek, then snapped his fingers, and he was gone. Sam smiled from ear to ear. Oh, how cute was Gabriel?
Dean smirked at the smile on Sam’s face. How could he be so openly happy? “So, Gabriel?” Dean asked, “Really?”
“What do you mean ‘really’?” Sam asked, in self-defense.
“I don’t know, I mean, he’s kind of a jerk.” Dean rolled his eyes and looked back out the window, ignoring Castiel’s existence.
“It’s not like I’m gonna marry him. It’s just,” Sam sighed, “it’s nice to have something. It’s not like I can establish a new relationship with anyone, and we just get each other.”
“So, you’re gay now?” Dean asked, almost harshly, but deep down, he was just wondering how Sam was dealing with his feelings with such ease.
“Are you?” Sam counterasked.
Dean’s face turned red. He crossed his arms and ignored the question. He propped his boots up on the dashboard and caught Castiel’s gaze in the rear-view mirror. “So, how you doing with those pesky feelings back there? Huh? Must be nice to not have to deal with them, am I right?” Dean asked with hostility.
“Oh, now you’re acknowledging my existence?” Castiel retorted, “You seem to be the expert at not dealing with things.”
“Well, I didn’t permanently make my feelings go away, now did I?” Dean retorted hastily.
“Whoa, guys!” Sam intervened, “You two spent one night together and you’re at each other’s throats.” Sam had always been aware of Dean and Castiel’s feelings for each other, and wanted to see them happy together. More than anything, he just wanted to see Dean happy. This was not what he had in mind when he agreed to the plan to push them closer. “You two should be happy.”
“Yeah? About what?” Dean grunted, crossing his arms and facing away. With that remark, Castiel could feel his blood boil.
Sam saw his reaction in the rear-view mirror and pulled into the nearest gas station. “Okay, I think everyone needs a little fresh air.” Dean exited the car, slamming his door and heading inside the gas station. Castiel lingered behind. He could be gone in a snap if he wanted, so why did he stay and put up with the way Dean was acting.
“What’s up with him?” Sam asked.
“I couldn’t tell you. I thought everything was fine.” Castiel replied with a sadness in his voice.
“Well, have you ever known Dean to NOT be complicated.” Sam nudged Cas, giving him a friendly smile, “He obviously told you how he feels about you. That’s what broke the illusion. He’s probably just having a hard time dealing with it. He’s never really had any ongoing feelings for someone. Not like he has for you.”
Castiel leaned against the Impala, as Sam pumped gas. He wanted to believe that Dean was just having trouble processing his emotions. He didn’t want to believe that their night spent together had been a lie. “Well, how long do you think he’s had these feelings?”
Sam chuckled, “C’mon, Cas. You gonna tell me you couldn’t see this almost from the beginning?” Castiel just looked clueless. “Of course you didn’t. It was your first time on earth in forever. Just go talk to him. He’s stubborn, but you already know how he feels. Believe me. He doesn’t use the word ‘love’ loosely.”
Castiel nodded in agreement before slowly making his way into the gas station. Sam always knew what to say to make someone feel better. As he entered the door with a jingling of old cow bells over his head, he looked around for Dean. He walked around the back of the aisles, searching down each one as he passed. Then, he spotted him at the front of the store, leaning against the counter, chatting ever so flirty with the young, blonde cashier. Castiel inhaled deeply, then exhaled slowly, trying to remain calm as he walked up behind Dean. He wasn’t shocked to see a case of beer and a whole pie sitting on the counter to be checked out.
“Dean?” Castiel said timidly, hoping to get his attention. Though Dean heard him, he continued his chit chat with the giggling cutie running the register. “Dean, can I talk to you?” He was once again ignored. Now angry, Castiel grabbed Dean by the shoulder and turned him to face him. “Dean, could I have a word with you?!” Castiel demanded through gritted teeth.
Dean rolled his eyes before looking back at the cashier. She handed his credit card back to him, along with a piece of paper with her phone number on it. He grabbed his bag and smiled, giving her a wink, before being pulled away by Castiel.
Castiel pulled Dean into the bathroom and locked the door behind them. “What are you doing?!” he exclaimed, “Are you trying to hurt me on purpose?!” Cas was nearly yelling. His heart felt as if it were breaking. He didn’t understand why regaining his grace did not ease his human feelings, but it hadn’t.
“Aww, c’mon. That was just harmless flirting.” Dean replied, belittling the severity of Cas’ feelings. “What do you care anyway? You got your mojo back. You shouldn’t be needing me anymore.”
“That’s the problem!!” Castiel exclaimed on the verge of tears, “I still have the same feelings!”
Dean gave him a puzzled look, “But you’re an angel...”
“I know! I don’t understand it either, but I still have the same feelings I felt last night. I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about you, you stubborn, stubborn man! So, why are you doing this to me?”
“Doing what?” Dean tried to hide the fact that he was being avoidant, which made Castiel even more angry.
Castiel, furiously, pushed Dean against the wall. “Stop playing games with me! Last night you told me you loved me. This morning, you wouldn’t even look me in the eyes. What do want from me, Dean?”
The gaze from Castiel’s eyes hurt Dean’s soul. They were burning a bright blue, and piercing right through him. Dean could no longer stand the persecution from Cas’ eyes, so he shoved him away from him as hard as he could. Castiel stood in astonishment. He couldn’t believe that here he was, pouring out his heart to Dean, and he had literally pushed him away. He only nodded with pursed lips, trying to keep from crying, or lashing out, as he felt both sad and angry. “That’s how you want it?” he asked, turning to exit the bathroom, “I knew I was a fool to believe you could love...”
Before Castiel could unlock the door, Dean spun him around and kissed him, pushing him against the door. Immediately, Castiel forgot about his anger and gave in to his kiss. They both felt the same initial shock as they did the first time they kissed, driving their need for one another. Castiel pulled away and swiftly spun Dean around, now pinning him against the door. Dean opened his mouth to say something, but Castiel covered his mouth with his hand and put another finger to his own lips. “Shhh.” With his hand still covering Dean’s mouth, he began to kiss Dean’s neck, gently nibbling at his skin. Dean felt chills fun down his spine. He was conflicted, but he could not resist the essence that was the angel before him. The doubt in the back of his mind said, “This will never work out. You could never give him any quality of life.” But his heart screamed, “This is the man that you love. Take him here and now!” As Castiel began to unbuckle Dean’s belt, Dean knew he couldn’t stop now. He leaned his head back against the door in submission as Castiel got down on his knees.
Dean gripped the door handle as Castiel took Dean into his mouth. With no prior experience, Dean was surprised at how amazing Castiel was at this. It nearly took his breath away. It was then that Dean really could’ve used Castiel’s hand against his mouth to stifle his pleasurable moaning, which he could not completely silence. So, he bit down on his lip, not wanting anyone outside of the bathroom to hear him. Still gripping the door handle with his right hand, he grabbed Castiel’s hair with the other, forcing him to go deeper. With each time Castiel explored the full length of Dean’s shaft, lips tightened, tongue circling slowly, Dean came closer to release. That’s when Castiel remembered what Dean had done to him to give him that final push to ecstasy. He gently grazed his teeth against the tip, then back down its entirety, Dean shuddered and threw his head back in sheer bliss. With his fingers still entwined in Castiel’s hair, Dean began to take control, gyrating his hips, faster, and then slower as he hit his climax. Then he fell back against the door.
Castiel stood up and wiped his lips on his sleeve before walking over to the sink to rinse his mouth out. Then he grinned widely and asked, “So, how did I do?”
Dean tightened his belt and buckled it back up. “Well, I would never believe that you hadn’t done THAT before.”
“I haven’t, though.” Castiel replied innocently.
“I know. I was being sarcastic.” Dean’s heart skipped a beat as he admired the simplicity that was Castiel.
“So, is everything good now?” Castiel asked as he straightened his tie.
“Yeah, I mean, everything was good to begin with. I told you I just need to get my head straight.”
Castiel tilted his head slightly, realizing that Dean was giving him an empty answer, “So, you’re sticking with that excuse?”
“What excuse?” Dean asked defensively, “I just don’t know where to go with this.”
“Where to go? Dean, I am the only one, other than your brother that isn’t going anywhere! I am the only one that has been and always will be by your side. I have gone against everything that I was created for, and I did it all for you. Is it really asking the world of you to just want to be together?”
“Is this what you want?!” Dean exclaimed, finally letting his insecurities be known, “Is this the life you envisioned for yourself? Motel fucks and gas station blow jobs? We can never have anything normal. Every single day, I lay my life on the line, never knowing if today is going to be my last. Is that what you want?”
“All I know is I want you, Dean.” Castiel said, with a sadness in his voice, “I have existed for eons, and I have never FELT anything! Then you came along. At first, you were just a mission I was sent on, but it didn’t take long for me to start to FEEL. Life just seems so pointless without that now.” Castiel sighed as he noticed that Dean’s expression had not changed, though he was pouring his heart out before him.
Dean only shook his head. “Cas, I have hurt everyone I have ever known. I have let down every one at some point. You should know that as well as anyone. I can’t risk breaking your heart, Cas. You mean too much to me. I think it would be best if we just...” he hung his head, as his heart pounded in his throat, as if trying to jump out of his chest and speak for him. But Dean swallowed hard and continued, “if we just tried to go on like none of this ever happened.”
A single tear streamed down Castiel’s cheek. He was already tired of trying to force Dean to care. He nodded silently as he began to unlock the bathroom door. Dean reached out and touched Castiel’s shoulder. “C’mon, Cas, it’s not like that.”
“Don’t touch me!” Castiel exclaimed. Then he snapped his fingers, and suddenly Dean was alone in the bathroom. “Cas!” he called out, but there was no reply. Dean unlocked the door, grabbed his bag, and headed back out to the Impala.
As Dean slammed the door, Sam, who had his head leaned against the steering wheel, jumped up. He glared at Dean, then at the radio clock. “Did you seriously just use a gas station bathroom for a hook up?”
Dean hesitated. “No...why would you ask that?”
Sam flashed a devilish grin at Dean and chuckled. “First of all, it doesn’t take anyone almost 20 minutes to buy beer and pie. Second of all, hickey.”
Dean grabbed the rear-view mirror and turned it to see himself. Low and behold, Cas had left a hickey on his neck. “Damn!” he cursed under his breath. Then he looked back to Sam. “It wasn’t a hook up per say...”
“Gas station blow jobs?” Sam laughed, “Sounds like a good time. Say, where is Cas?”
Dean sighed. “I don’t know. Just go. He’ll catch up later.”
Sam pulled out of the gas station parking lot. Dean’s silence told him that something had gone wrong between Castiel and him. “So, what happened back there? It obviously wasn’t all bad.” Sam teased.
“Would you stop that!”
“Stop what?” Sam asked.
“Stop with all the insinuations, all the sarcastic under tones! Okay? You already know what happened. I know what happened. Why can’t everyone just leave it at that?!” Dean exclaimed.
“Oh...is that what this is about?”
Dean winced. Sometimes he hated how Sam always thought he knew everything, even though he usually did. “What are you talking about?”
“Well, I’m guessing that you’re just wanting to ‘leave it at that’ and Cas is wanting to talk about things.” Dean just stared blankly at Sam. He could always read Dean like a book. “But, Dean, can you blame him? He’s an angel who’s experiencing human emotions, human interactions for the first time. He’s probably terrified.”
All Dean could ask was, “How are you so comfortable talking about this?”
“About what? You act like I’m talking about something you should be ashamed of. I’m not. I think it’s fair to say that I know you more than anyone, probably more than you know yourself. I have always known that you had feelings for Cas. You two shared a ‘more profound bound’. Anyone who has seen how he is with you knows that he is crazy about you too. So, why is this a problem for you? You obviously told him how you really feel about him.”
Dean sighed. He fought the urge to completely break down and cry out his insecurities with his brother. “Sam, what kind of life can I give him? What kind of life can we have together?”
“The life that you already have together, with the benefit of knowing that someone loves you! It’s obviously what he wants, Dean. If he’s willing to make that leap of faith, why aren’t you?”
Dean stared at the floor board as he let his brother’s words sink in. He didn’t respond, but he knew that Sam had a point. Sam always made a good point. Plus, the fact that Sam didn’t think any less of him for expressing his love for Cas comforted him. Sam could tell that Dean was hurting. He knew that his brother was longing for Castiel, for his angel. Sam pulled into the parking lot of the first motel they came to. He turned off the car and said, “Why don’t you call him, Dean?”
Dean looked up at Sam with his heart on his sleeve. “What if I hurt him, Sam? You know me. I’m a screw up. I’ve never been a stable person. I have done a lot of questionable things. I have done a lot of BAD things, but I don’t think I could live with myself if I broke his heart.”
Sam just patted Dean on the shoulder. “Call him, Dean.” As Dean pulled his phone from his pocket, it began to ring before he could dial out. The name on the screen popped up “Cas”. Sam nodded and took that as his cue to go inside.
“Cas!”
“Dean.” Cas replied coldly, “I have something I have to tell you.”
“Cas, listen. I’m sorry, okay? I’ve been a real ass, and I’m sorry.”
“It might be a little too late for that, Dean.” Castiel replied.
“What do you mean?”
“I got a visit from one of the HQ angels a while ago. Apparently Heaven has been restored and they are calling all the angels home where Heaven will be permanently sealed from the inside. Souls will be able to come in, but no one will be coming out.”
Dean fell silent. A lump rose up in his throat and his heart hurt like he had never felt before. “Cas, what are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about all angels being sealed into Heaven for eternity, like it was supposed to be.”
“No...Cas...You can’t do that. You can’t leave.” Dean was on the verge of tears at the point. He had not realized how awful he had been until he had to think of a life time without Castiel in it.
“I have half an hour. Then, they’re coming for me.”
“Cas, where are you? You gotta let me see you.”
Castiel sighed. He loved Dean, but maybe he loved Dean too much. “Goodbye, Dean.” He said before hanging up.
Dean ran inside frantically. “Sam! I need to track Cas’ phone, stat!” Dean demanded, pulling a laptop from the bag laying out on the bed.
“What’s going on?”
“Please, just hurry. In 30 minutes Cas is going back to Heaven, and he says he’s never coming back. I have to stop him, Sam.”
Sam didn’t ask any questions. For the first time in a long time, he saw passion in Dean’s eyes. He pin-pointed Castiel’s location to a park about 16 miles from the motel they were at. Dean ran to the Impala and sped off for the park. His heart pounded faster and faster as he watched the clock and the odometer. He had to get to the park in time! He couldn’t lose Castiel forever. It had taken him years to face his true feelings for him, and though he had acted foolishly, he could now see what had to be done.
Dean arrived at the park with about three minutes to spare. He ran into the park frantically. Where is he?! “Cas!!” he called out, running toward the woods on the edge of the park. He figured he would be somewhere where attention wouldn’t be drawn to him. “Cas!!”
“Dean?” Dean stopped dead in his tracks, chest heaving from running. He looked around and saw Cas step out from behind a tree to his left. “Dean, what are you doing here?”
Dean still trying to catch his breath pleaded, “Cas, don’t go! Please, just hear me out!”
“Dean, it’s too late. Hannah will be here any minute now and I’ll be beamed into Heaven. That’s where my true purpose lies.”
“No! You’re wrong! I mean, maybe initially that was your purpose, but you’ve created a life here on Earth. You’re a hero, man! You save people. We need you, Cas. I need you!”
Castiel gazed deeply into Dean’s eyes. His eyes seemed a brighter green than usual, kinder than usual, genuine. There was the Dean that he loved. The passionate, yet brash, loving, yet tough hunter. “Dean, I just don’t know what to believe with you. Last night was one thing, today was another. At least in Heaven I will know what to expect from day to day.”
Suddenly, Hannah appeared before them. “Hello, Castiel!” She said with a bright smile. Then she looked Dean over, “And Dean...what is he doing here?”
“I don’t know,” Castiel asked, then turned to Dean, “what ARE you doing here?” He asked, crossing his arms, giving Dean a limited amount of time to state his actual intentions.
Dean paused, trying to search for the perfect words to say. There he stood, a man amongst angels, with nothing but his words, and everything to lose. He decided, then and there, that only the truth was appropriate for the situation. Dean placed his hands on Castiel’s shoulders, putting them face to face, making sure he had his complete attention. “Cas, I am sorry that I treated you like a cheap slut.” Cas cracked a smile. Even in Dean’s weakest moment, Dean was still Dean. “Cas, you mean the world to me, and that scares the hell out of me. I won’t lie to you. That’s terrifying. I can go toe to toe with any ghost, with any demon. I’ve faced, and welcomed Death, but when I stand before you, I get weak. I look at you, that old trench coat, those blue eyes,” Dean gently stroked the side of Cas’ face as he took a second to appreciate every little characteristic, “that’s what scares me most.”
Hannah just stood watching, confused at what had led up to the speech being made before her, but not surprised. Castiel shook his head subtly, “How do I scare you?”
“It’s not you. You’re an angel. You’ve seen and lived Heaven. You’ve been in the presence of God. You have experienced perfection, hell, you ARE perfection. Then, there’s me, the furthest thing from perfect. I just feel like I can’t give you the life you deserve, so I thought it would be better to just push you away. But call me selfish, Cas, the thought of losing you forever was truly the most painful thing I could think of. Maybe that’s what it took for me to realize that, maybe I’m not perfect, but I want to try to be as close as I can be.” Dean took Castiel by my hand and knelt before him. “Cas, this is me, as humble as I know how to be, on my knees before you, begging you to stay. If I told you that I realize I am a flawed son of a bitch that can’t give you Heaven, that can’t promise you a life without pain, paved with streets of gold, could you love me anyway?”
Hannah and Castiel exchanged glances. Hannah didn’t know what to say, and didn’t know what to expect, so she just watched and waited.
“Dean,” Castiel said, pulling Dean up onto his feet so they were eye level, “I have always known who you are. Yes, you are far from perfect, but so am I. Maybe I was perfect once, but I think we both have to agree I have since screwed that up.” They both chuckled a bit and gazed into each other’s eyes, “Yes, I have seen Heaven, I have seen perfection, and I know the risks of being with you, and I still chose you.”
“Can you choose me, one more time?” Dean asked.
Castiel glanced over to Hannah as if asking if it were possible for him to stay. “Only on one condition, Castiel. The gates of Heaven are closing from the inside, so if you’re going to stay, you will have to stay as a human. You will give up all rights to Heaven, lest you should end up there when you die, and you will die as a human.”
Dean was even more conflicted now. Could he really ask Castiel to give up all he had ever known just to be with him, and run the risk of being killed in the line of duty? Before he could say anything, Castiel nodded and said, “Okay. I agree.”
Hannah was baffled. “Really, Castiel? You would give up Heaven for...this?”
“Hannah, I don’t expect you to understand, but some things are like Heaven on earth.”
Hannah only smiled and nodded. She had always admired Castiel, and had even held a special love for him once herself, so she respected his decision. “Okay, Castiel, from here on out, you will only be known as the vessel you possess. Earth will recognize you as Jimmy Novak.” She pulled a vial from her pocket, “I guess you know what I have to do.” She pulled an angel blade from her side, and nicked Castiel on the chest with it, allowing his grace to leave his body. “You, Gabriel, just a few others, I will never understand.” Then, with the blink of an eye, she was gone.
“Cas, if I knew what it would cost you to stay, I wouldn’t have asked.” Dean said
“Dean, had I known what it would cost me to stay beforehand, I’d still choose you!”
--To be continued...