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[Troy and Shane stand awkwardly next to each other in a kitchen with various ingredients spread out on the counter in front of them. Shane wears an apron that says, 'A little cheesy, but still grate!' while Troy's says, 'I have no idea what I'm doing.' Shane begins to speak, rubbing his hands on the front of the apron nervously. Ilya can be seen in a separate window, smaller than that of Shane and Troy, already laughing before they begin to speak.]

Shane: Hi. I'm Shane Hollander, which you probably already know if you're watching this video because why else would you be watching this video of me, and um, this is my teammate Troy.

[He holds his hand out toward Troy who waves once his face stony and eyes a little frightened. ]

Troy: Hi. I'm Troy.

Shane: I just said that. There's no one else here.

Troy: Oh. Right. Sorry.

[The video pauses and Ilya, with his chin resting in the propped up palm of his hand, looks absolutely besotted.]

Ilya: And I'm Ilya Rozanov, and that adorable man in the cheese pun apron is my wonderful husband Shane. Look at him with his pretty hair and perfect face and my ring on his finger. [He sighs dreamily, before his eyes flit over for a brief second.] Oh, and Troy Barrett is there, too.

[Ilya presses play, and Shane gestures towards the unmade food in front of them.]

Shane: Today, we're going to make chicken parmesan.

[Pause.]

Ilya: This is my most favorite meal, and no one makes it better than Shane. He makes his own sauce, and sources authentic cheese, and makes the great sacrifice of eating fried chicken for me. I think it is his greatest declaration of love besides marrying me.

[Play.]

Troy: I don't cook much.

[Troy laughs a little nervously while Shane gives him a confused look.]

Shane: Then why are you doing a cooking video with me?

Troy: Uh, because Harris asked me to?

[Shane shrugs and seems to accept the answer, but he looks slightly wary.]

Shane: I usually don't talk while I cook.

Troy: Oh, yeah, totally. I can shut up. Just give me something to do, boss.

[Shane looks around at the ingredients and slides the chicken breasts towards Troy along with a mallet.]

Shane: Want to beat the meat?

[Troy's eyes grow wide and he begins to choke on air while Shane looks momentarily concerned, before he seems to realize what he's said, and his face glows bright red. In the smaller window Ilya's smile turns smug.]

Troy: What?

Shane: Sorry. It's something Ilya says. I normally cook with him, so I'm just used to saying that. Can you tenderize the meat? You just have to pound it a bit.

[Troy opens his mouth, but nothing comes out, leading him to snap it back shut as he licks his lips. He finally manages to mouth, 'wow.']

[Pause.]

Ilya: That adorable freckled man not only puts up with me, but he loves me. A lot. I'm so lucky. He married me. Look at how cute he is being all flustered talking about meat.

[The video plays again and Shane and Troy stand staring at each other, blinking with both of their faces flushed as a few seconds tick by. Shane turns away first, followed quickly by Troy, who begins to vigorously pound at the chicken while Shane puts on a pot of water to boil. He then grabs several eggs and begins to crack them into a bowl while Ilya continues to watch completely engrossed in his husband's movements.]

Ilya: Ah, Shane is so good at cracking eggs. I don't think he has ever gotten a single eggshell in anything in his entire life. He's so skilled at everything he does.

[Troy stops pounding on the chicken and watches Shane for a moment before he smiles lightly.]

Troy: I can crack an egg with one hand. Do you want to see?

[Shane looks at Troy blankly as he pours some panko bread crumbs into a bowl.]

Shane: No.

[He continues to pour flour, while Troy's smile falls, and Ilya pipes in again as the two work again in silence, the only sound happening is Troy continuing to hit the chicken on the counter.]

Ilya: Of course my Shane would not want to waste an egg. He is very conscious of these things. Protein is very precious to him, and he is so precious to me.

[Shane asks Troy if he thinks he can handle the pasta while he makes the sauce and handles the chicken and Troy nods enthusiastically, moving to the other side of the stove to begin stirring while Shane puts oil on and begins to place ingredients into a separate pan for the sauce. He also moves each piece of chicken through the eggwash, flour, and panko crumbs before setting it aside to place into the oil once it's heated. Ilya's eyes track each of his movements, dreamy smile never leaving his face.]

Ilya: Have you ever noticed Shane's hands? They're so big, and they could take anyone out, but he's so gentle with them outside of hockey and always so precise. It's no wonder he has such an exquisite backhand.[Ilya sighs wistfully as Shane carefully places a chicken cutlet into the heated oil.] Oh, to be that chicken cutlet, right now. Wait, Harris, I need you to take that part out about his backhand. Shane can't know I said this, it's too mushy.

[The video continues with Troy and Shane work in silence, with Troy looking at Shane every so often, looking as if he wants to say something, but thinking better of it. While the chicken cooks, Shane begins the sauce, adding tomatoes, sugar, garlic, and herbs to the pot as it simmers. Ilya talks over the quiet of the video.]

Ilya: Those tomatoes remind me of how adorable Shane is when he gets embarrassed. He turns the most delicious shade of red, and it makes his freckles pop so gorgeously on his cheeks. Have you ever noticed his freckles? They are my favorite thing about him. I'm not as good at it as I used to be because he's somewhat immune to me now, but fuck, I love making Shane blush. He's so beautiful. I love to call him a tomato in Russian. He answers the same way every time. "Weird." It's the cutest thing.

[Once he gets the sauce situated, Shane pulls the chicken out and sets it on a paper towel to catch remaining grease. Troy appears impressed as Shane deals with everything, looking at his pasta and then back to Shane.]

Troy: You're really good at this.

Shane: Yeah.

Troy: I feel like I'm not doing much.

Shane: Well, you said you didn't cook much so…

[Shane trails off and his eyes land on the pot of pasta Troy is diligently stirring.]

Troy: How do you know when it's done?

[Shane once again stares at Troy, this time with an incredulous expression on his face.]

Shane: Have you never cooked pasta before?

[Troy shrugs and looks slightly sheepish before his face lights up.]

Troy: No, but I have an air fryer now, so I can make some stuff! And I know how to turn the slow cooker on.

[Pause.]

Ilya: Shane insists we do not have an air fryer. He says they are an abomination. Which is a word I have learned means something disgusting, but everything we make together is so good, I don't care. We made ice cream together last week, and Shane refused to taste test along the way, so I did, and then kissed him and he acted all mad at me, but he wasn't really, because he kept kissing me, and turning his back so I could steal more bites. I am just so obsessed with him. Fall in love with and marry your rivals, internet people. It will never disappoint.

[Play.]

Shane: Great. I'm sure that's really helpful in some situations that aren't this one.

[Shane grabs a pair of tongs and takes out a single piece of spaghetti blowing it gently to cool it down.]

Ilya: Have you ever seen a more lovely pair of lips? I have been with many, many people, and I have never encountered anything as exquisite as those lips. If he does not get home from the grocery store soon so I can kiss him, I might die. Shane also says I have gift for hyperbole, but I think he is just delightfully dramatic.

[Shane places the piece of spaghetti in his mouth, chewing around it while Ilya makes a small comment about, 'look at him chewing!']

Shane: It's done. You can strain it and then put it into the bowl with the lid on to keep it warm.

[Troy nods and takes the pot to the sink while Shane begins to place the chicken onto a baking sheet. He tops each piece with sauce, and grabs a block of parmigiano reggiano, grating a generous portion of it over the chicken. Troy and Ilya watch with rapt attention. Finally, Shane nods, and places the chicken into the pre-heated oven behind them. He bends at the waist, his ass sticking out prominently while Troy quickly turns his head, a light blush staining his cheeks. When Shane straightens, he smooths out the wrinkles of the apron he wears. Ilya pauses the video, nodding his head appreciatively.]

Ilya: I cannot fault Troy for looking, because I am convinced people would have gone to war for that ass in ancient times. Helen of Troy would have nothing on my husband.

[Play.]

Troy: Should we talk about something while we wait for that to be done?

Shane: I mean, I guess we could talk about the game tomorrow. I have some thoughts on things we could improve.

Troy: I was thinking more like about how our lives are going or you know maybe how you're navigating being like, the most famous gay man in the NHL?

[Shane blinks at him for a few seconds before he grabs a book off the counter behind him that's entitled, 'Lords of the Rinks: The Emergence of the National Hockey League.' He holds it against his chest like a shield. Ilya can be seen smiling affectionately in his smaller window. ]

Shane: I usually just read while I wait.

Troy: Oh. [Troy looks from the book up to Shane's face and then back again.] Do you have something I could read, too?

[Shane walks out of the frame without answering, and Troy blows out a breath, rubbing his eyes as he quietly tries to talk himself up with, 'Just be cool, man. You can pretend to read a book for fifteen minutes.' Shane then walks back into the room and hands him a book with a sky blue cover called, 'Iris Kelly Doesn't Date.']

Shane: It's one of Ilya's.

Troy: Right. Thanks.

[Pause]

Ilya: It is one of my books but Shane has read it, too. He lets me lay on his chest and he scratches my head while he reads out loud to me. His voice is so soothing. I always tell him if hockey doesn't work out, he should narrate books for a living, and he just looks at me all mad and he gets loud and says, 'what do you mean if hockey doesn't work out?' And then I tell him to be sure not to use that voice in the sound booth, and he flips me off. It's perfect.

[He presses play, and Shane opens his book on the kitchen island and begins to read. Troy stands stiffly next to him, while he looks at Shane out of the corner of his eye. After a couple of minutes have passed, Shane looks up.]

Shane: Everything okay?

Troy: Yeah, why wouldn't it be?

Shane: You haven't turned the page, yet.

[Troy laughs nervously while immediately turning the page.]

Troy: Sorry. Just a slow reader.

[Pause.]

Ilya: Normally I would take this time to start a rumor that Troy can't read, but I am just so stuck on how beautiful Shane's hair looks. Have you ever seen anything so gorgeous? I don't know if you have ever seen him skating without his helmet on, but the way it flies around him, it is maybe as close to a religious experience as I have ever had. And when he tucks it behind his ear, which I bet he will do any second…

[The video resumes and Shane does indeed tuck his hair behind his ear and Ilya smiles, clearly delighted.]

Ilya: There it is. Fuck, he is so wonderful. I just want to bite him. Who am I kidding? I am going to bite him as soon as he gets home.

[Shane and Troy stand together in silence, the only sound that can be heard is the occasional turning of a page in one of their books. Ilya stops talking too, choosing simply to stare at the screen lovingly as he watches Shane read. This goes on for more than ten minutes, until the timer on the oven goes off and Shane removes the baking sheet, placing in on a pot holder near the stove. He silently grabs two plates and places them on the counter.]

Troy: Can I help at all?

Shane: You can plate the pasta if you want.

[Troy nods and begins to haphazardly put pasta on the plate with the tongs, and Shane makes no attempt to hide his pained expression. Troy looks to him hopefully, but his shoulders sag instantly when he sees Shane's face.]

Troy: Is that not right?

Shane: I mean, it's not wrong, but. Can I just…here.

[He practically snatches the tongs away from Troy, and grabs a large spoon, twirling the pasta against it so that it beautifully sits on the plate. Troy looks impressed as Shane plates the rest of the food, and Ilya can be seen in his window with his hand clutched over his heart.]

Ilya: I have eaten Michelin Star meals with less presentation than that amazing swirl of pasta. And he does not even eat pasta! The world doesn't know what a gift he is.

Troy: Wow, that looks incredible. Are we going to eat it?

Shane: No.

[Troy momentarily seems surprised, before he manages to fix his expression into something unbothered.]

Troy: Right, of course that would be silly.

[Shane's face breaks into its first smile of the video as he opens a drawer and grabs two forks and knives, holding out a set to Troy.]

Shane: I'm kidding. Ilya would personally take offense if we let this go to waste.

Ilya: He knows me so well. May everyone know a love like this.

[Shane begins to cut his chicken, taking small bites as Troy starts to devour his plate. Neither of them speaks, once again settling into silence that feels more comfortable now that the task is done. Ilya seems completely content to continue to watch his husband eat in silent, when a door is heard opening the background, and Shane walks into the frame, grocery bags in his hand.]

Shane: Hey, baby, I'm back, can you—

[He stops when he notices Ilya is on his laptop. He sets the bags down and walks toward Ilya who gives Shane a warm smile, tilting his head in invitation. Shane kisses his cheek but continues to stare at the screen.]

Shane: What are you watching?

Ilya: The cooking video you made with Troy.

Shane: But I already sent that to Harris? Why do you have it?

Ilya: Because it was so bad, he couldn't use it, so he asked me to give commentary.

[Ilya pats his legs, and Shane lets out a huffy breath while he comes around to sit in Ilya's lap. Ilya playfully bites at his cheek, but Shane doesn't even flinch at the contact.]

Shane: What the fuck? It wasn't that bad. I actually enjoyed it for the most part. Troy is fine to be around.

Ilya: Yes, but you barely said anything, didn't explain what you were doing, only let Troy stir pasta, and spent fifteen minutes reading in silence. You were both disasters. It was absolutely riveting.

[Shane laughs and lightly swats at Ilya's shoulder as Ilya grabs his hand and brings it to his lips to kiss.]

Shane: If it was so entertaining, why did you need to add commentary to it? I thought you said it was bad and couldn't be used?

Ilya: Because I make everything better. And you are my perfect yet somehow so awkward husband.

[Ilya leans up and captures Shane's lips in a deep kiss that Shane is all too happy to reciprocate. Their mouths move together, Shane's hand moving into Ilya's hair to pull his head back for better access, deepening the kiss before he breaks it off suddenly, leaving Ilya pouting as Shane looks at the camera, seeming to realize something.]

Shane: Is that thing still recording?

Ilya: Yes.

[Ilya's pout turns into a grin and Shane rolls his eyes, but doesn't look very annoyed.]

Ilya: Harris will take it out. After we watch it a few times, of course.

Shane: I hope so. [He kisses Ilya again before he pulls back, twining his arms around Ilya's neck.] Want to help me make dinner?

Ilya: Why don't I cook and you can supervise while you read to me?

[Shane nods and lifts himself from Ilya's lap, holding out his hand for Ilya to take.]

Shane: Deal.

[Ilya rises, his arm slung across Shane's shoulders as they start to move toward the kitchen, smiles on both of their faces.]

Shane: Was Troy awkward, too, or was it just me?

Ilya: Oh, no, he was maybe worse than you.

[Shane's grin turns sly.]

Shane: What does that say about your taste in men? With your husband and your best friend being such disasters?

Ilya: My taste in husbands is sublime. My taste in friends is always questionable.

Shane: Think Troy will be upset when he hears that?

Ilya: Eh. He was looking at your ass. I think we are even.

[Shane stops moving his eyes wide and expression concerned.]

Shane: Wait, what?

👨‍🍳’s 😘

2.1M views, 2 days ago

Ottawa Centaurs - 608k Subscribers

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@tapedcrusader whoever came up with this deserves a raise as fat as Shane Hollander's ass

@icefreak I have never been more endeared by men in my entire life.

@backhanded101 I will never get tired of how much Ilya Rozanov is obsessed with Shane Hollander.

@evandykstra Narrator: Harris, did not, in fact, take that part out. Twice.

@indacrease I have no idea how to make chicken parm still, but I'm not mad about it.

@zambonisrevenge Okay, but how did Shane Hollander get even hotter? He's a reader AND he cooks?

@allswell12 Troy doing this for his social media king boyfriend is so sweet

@icyrink89 @allswell12 if I were him I would have done it regardless. It's fucking Shane Hollander.

@shanehollanderswife Shane 'the ass that launched a thousand ships' Hollander

@tiredafmom I don't know what the fuck I just watched, but my toddler's not crying anymore. Thanks, hockey players.

@censfan Ilya being jealous of a piece of chicken when he's literally married to Shane. But also I get it because I want to be that piece of chicken too.

@marrisa98 Troy being nervous around Shane and taking the opportunity to look at his ass is the most relatable thing about him.

@caitisgreat cheese pun apron Shane Hollander, I love you so much.

@iloveilya Fuck. What it must be like to be kissed like that by Ilya Rozanov.

@penneyforyourthoughts @iloveilya What it must be like to have Ilya Rozanov sit and stare at you reading on a screen with literal hearts in his eyes as if it's the honor of his life.

@hockeywhore I feel like 'Troy is fine' is actually a really glowing endorsement from Shane Hollander

@blacknred alright, who is starting the page dedicated to Shane Hollander calling Ilya Rozanov baby?

@censfan4life Shane wanting to rip those tongs out of Troy's hands when he plated that pasta was so real.

@bemycentre this is what the internet was made for

@b00dramzane 1000890981/10. no notes.

@ilyarozanov81 @harrisdrover1995 you better hand over those passwords 😇 I have the cutest video of Shane taking out the trash that needs to be shared

@troybarretthockey I would just like to take this opportunity to state that I can read

@wyatthayes @troybarretthockey Interesting that you chose to speak on that and not the allegations that you were staring at Shane's ass. Care to comment?

@troybarretthockey @wyatthayes I wasn't trying to look! It was just THERE. It's hard to miss! Anyone would have done the same!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@realshanehollander @troybarretthockey 🤨 

@realshanehollander Also @ilyarozanov81 I know what you said about my backhand. You're never living this down ❤️

@ilyarozanov81 Goddamit, Harris, now he's going to think I have a crush on him or something!