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“I’m thinking about Changing.” While said so casually it should have been no cause for concern, Odile felt herself perk up, listening intently.
She looked up from her book to the rogue currently lounging on her couch, right across from her. He had been throwing a ball in the air – something she expressed displeasure in that he had, of course, ignored – but now he was laying still, fingers wrapped around it as he zoned out in the middle distance.
“Changing?” Odile asked curiously.
“Yeah. You know. With Body Craft.”
“Body Craft.” Odile repeated, finding a bookmark for her book.
“Yeah. You know, crafting my body to be something else.” Siffrin frowned, turning to look at her, eyebrows creased. “Someone else. I don't know.”
Oh, she didn’t like that last bit. “. . .Siffrin. Do you not know what you want yourself to look like?
Siffrin hesitated and then shrugged.
Hmm. Odile might not know much about Body Craft, first lack of opportunity and then lack of interest, but she had heard enough from Isabeau to know that starting to Craft oneself required a lot of focus. The user had to know what baselines they had to hit.
The more exact their idea of themselves was, the better the final form would come out.
. . . she had heard horror stories of how poorly Body Craft could go, but if those were legitimate stories or just born from Ka Bue’s own bias, she didn’t know. At least she had a first-hand account from seeing the King, though she wasn’t sure how much it hit the stereotype of ‘Body Craft gone wrong’.
Odile sighed deeply, resisting the urge to pinch the bridge of her nose. She loved Siffrin, but even though he was quickly pushing thirty, sometimes it was like dealing with an indecisive child.
That was rude, so she didn’t say it out loud.
“Well,” Odile said slowly. “You have plenty of time to decide whether you truly want this or not, seeing as how we’re not going back to Vaugarde for a few months.”
Siffrin squeezed the ball so tightly it looked like he might pop it. “I’ve been thinking of Body Crafting for as long as I can remember, Odile. I want to do it. I don’t need to think about it.”
‘As long as they could remember’ was not nearly as long as they would like to claim. Their memory issues had never fully left, but at least sometimes they could remember their childhood, where they were from. Other days, they couldn’t remember ever living outside of Ka Bue and Odile’s apartment.
Odile studied him intently. “At the moment, when is your earliest memory regarding Body Craft.”
“Don’t do this to me, Odile.” Siffrin snapped back. But he could never resist answering her question, and he fidgeted for a moment before finally admitting. “. . .the loops.”
Ah, so about two years ago then. That was a lot longer than she would’ve wagered.
That was plenty enough time to make their own decision without Odile being worried about him acting on pure impulse as he was known to do. Still, from the thought being, apparently, from the loops, Odile didn’t know how much she trusted his mental state when he got the idea.
On the other hand. . . Didn’t most decisions to use Body Craft come from self-loathing, or at least just as general dislike of themselves? That’s how it worked with Isabeau, in any case.
Odile sighed, placing her cheek against her fist. “Alright, that’s a decent amount of time. I’ll consider going back to Vaugarde early, but you should come up with some ideas on what you want to look and be like.”
“Or I could Change in Ka Bue.” Siffrin suggested.
Odile frowned, leaning forward. “Siffrin, perhaps I haven’t told you–”
“I know, I know. Body Craft is looked down upon here.” Siffrin grunted. They huffed at the ceiling. “If I want to do it, it’s all blackmarket stuff. But you probably know where to find it, don’t you?”
Oh, he was looking at her with his big eye, rounded and innocent.
“Not until you know what you want.” Odile said decisively, and considered opening her book again to just end the conversation. How benevolent of her to keep it going.
Siffrin pouted at her defiantly, throwing the ball in the air. “I don’t know! I both know what I want, and don’t know, either. What am I supposed to do with that?”
“Narrow it down. Figure out what you want first, and work off of that.”
“I mean-! I could, but it’s. . .” He groaned, tucking the ball into one of his infinite pockets and pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. “I don’t know, Odile! Making a decision is overwhelming! Is there any way you want me to be?”
Ah. Odile should have known.
Siffrin had slowly grown and matured, becoming more used to himself and becoming more comfortable with revealing his more ‘undesirable’ parts. He no longer asked them if they would still love him if he was insert-absurd-statement-here.
That wasn’t even a joke. It was always something outlandish that Odile could not see affecting their relationship in the slightest, and told him as such over and over.
Yet, even with all of that, he still relied on them and their opinion a great deal. Needed them.
Even now, such a long time after the loops ended and they finally were able to address his frankly atrocious mental state, they didn’t trust him to go traveling on his own without feeling abandoned and refusing to reach out again.
Odile wasn’t upset by having Siffrin in her home. It was nice to have a bit of life here, really.
In the end, she just wished she could say she was surprised by all of this, but she wasn’t. Not really.
He loved them so much he’d destroy the world to keep them, loved them so much that of course he would Change himself based on what they wanted rather than himself.
While adorable, Odile found it more worrying than anything.
When Odile sighed, she was fully anticipating the flinch, but she felt guilty anyway. “You should change however you want, Siffrin. . . .Besides, I like you as you are.”
“Oh.” Siffrin sunk into himself as best he could without wearing his cloak. “Would it be a. . . bad idea to Change?”
“Siffrin.” Odile said with a small sigh. “I’m not telling you what you can or can’t do. If you want to Change, I will stop at nothing to make sure you can. I will enjoy whoever you become. You could be the same person just two centimeters taller,” you both rolled your eyes at that one, “and I would like you.”
“Okay, but what if–”
“You could be a radically different person, all snarky and defiant and generally unhelpful with a personality specifically Crafted to contradict your current one, and I would like you.” Odile continued, knowing exactly which wound she was poking her finger in.
Siffrin scoffed at that one, but they were slowly relaxing, propping themself up on one elbow to stare at her. “You sure? I thought for sure–”
“Siffrin. Changing is a personal choice.” Odile said. “Isabeau loved doing it, Mirabelle is still seriously considering it even if the only thing she changed was how long her hair was.”
As if trying to find a lie, Siffrin’s eyes roved over her.
“Nobody will be upset by you Changing.” Odile reassured. “In fact, if they saw you again completely different, I have no doubt that they would be so excited about meeting the new you. Even if you don’t like calling it that, they were the same way after the loops, weren’t they?”
Siffrin nodded hesitantly, pushing himself fully up, rubbing his palms over his knees. “Mira wouldn’t stop saying that she was. . . excited to meet the new me. Rough edges and all.”
“Yes.” Odile smiled slightly, feeling her shoulders relax. “If that’s not enough to convince you that we’ll love you no matter what, I’m not sure what will.”
Siffrin twitched, shoulders jerking slightly. Odile frowned, but he mustered up a small smile for her, even with his eyebrows furrowed deeply. “Thank you, Odile. . .”
“Of course.” Odile said cautiously, watching him intently. “We won’t like you any less if you don’t Change, and we won’t like you any more for Changing. I hope you understand that.”
“Mira said once, that. . . to be loved is to be Changed.” Siffrin said softly.
“Is that why. . . ?”
“No! No, I’m just. . .” Siffrin trailed off, eye closing tightly. He shivered, squeezing his arms around him. “Sorry, this is a lot of feelings talk, I know you don’t like–”
“Siffrin.” Odile interrupted, and their eye snapped to her. “We have been friends for long enough that I know you know that while I’m not particularly fond of or good at talking about our feelings, I am not bothered by it. I can’t even call it an inconvenience.”
“Oh. . .”
“I would rather know what’s bothering you than you keeping it locked up.” Odile said decisively. “So, tell me. Why do you think you have to Change to be loved?”
Siffrin was silent.
“Maybe it was presumptuous of me to speak for the rest of our party, but I can guarantee that my love will not Change.”
“I guess I’m just.” Siffrin was fidgeting again. Odile didn’t let it annoy her. “Worried? I feel like it’s an obligation, sometimes. Like, oh, I ended the world, so to keep it safe, one of you has to stay with me all the time to make sure I don’t try to shatter reality again!”
“That’s ridiculous?!”
“I don’t know!” Siffrin spat back at her, bristling. “If I could help how I felt I would just make myself happy all the time! You wouldn’t need to keep me around!”
“This has nothing to do with needs, and everything to do with the fact that we care about you. We don’t want you sad, because we care about you, not because we’re worried you’re going to turn into another King.”
Siffrin grumbled something Odile couldn’t quite make out. Using her old lady ears against her then, she saw how it was.
“I’m not saying you can’t Change.” Odile said. “Just do it for the right reasons, and gems, don’t ask my opinion. It’s up to you, isn’t it?”
“But– what if I Change and I’m too much like– I don’t know, your childhood bully?!” Siiffrin demanded, and now they were sprouting absolute nonsense.
“I didn’t have bullies.” Odile snorted in defiance.
Siffrin cracked a smile. “Right. You probably were the bully, huh?”
Odile neither confirmed nor denied, but her eyes sparkled in barely withheld delight as she waited for whatever else Siffrin had to say.
He chose to stay silent for a long moment,
“I’m just. . .” he slowly began, “scared, I guess.”
“Scared.” Odile echoed. That wasn’t quite a new word for Siffrin, but it was one he didn’t use often. Scared implied there was something deeply wrong, some evil that needed to be uprooted.
Even after promising to talk to them more, it was a word she did not hear nearly often enough.
“I really don’t want to Change for the worse.” Siffrin confessed, a blubbery mess. “Because I could Change, and if you love me the same, great! But if I’m worse. . . If I end up being awful. . .”
“I’ve already told you it won’t matter–”
“You won’t know until I do it!” Siffrin spluttered at her. “What if I. . . what if I don’t like myself? What if you don’t like me? Or Mira doesn’t like me or Bonbon goes back to hating me or Isabeau decides I’m not worth waiting around for or–?!”
“Siffrin, breathe.” Odile instructed. He used to be so good about it, but when his mind went too fast, sometimes he forgot. It made her sad, to know how much it hurt her friend. “It’s fine. You are fine.”
He breathed in, and out.
Repeating it twice more, Siffrin slowly calmed, tension bleeding out of his shoulders. “. . . I don’t want to step in it.”
“You won’t.” Odile promised. “You’re behaving like you can only Change once, but you don’t have to limit it. If you don’t like it, you can Change again. Nobody’s going to be irritated or annoyed if you Change multiple times. I imagine it will be the opposite for Isabeau and Mirabelle especially. Overjoyed, the two of them.”
“And. . . you?”
“I told you already. I like you now.” Odile promised. “I’ll like whoever you become multiple times over. I may like some warning if you do Change multiple times, just so I can prepare myself, but that’s hardly an obligation.”
Siffrin nodded, slowly starting to crumple with the relief of it.
“You’re a wonderful person, Siffrin. You Changing will not affect that.” Odile finished, finally letting go of his hand and leaning back. She looked at them, and they stared at their knees, still quiet.
“. . . May I ask,” Odile started anew, “why you choose to broach this topic with me instead of with Isabeau or Mirabelle? If you’ve been thinking about this for so long, what’s wrong with waiting a bit longer, or having brought it up last time you saw them?”
“. . . you’re right that they’ll be all over it.” Siffrin admitted. “But Mira will think that means I believe in Change, and Isabeau. . . I don’t know. I really don’t want to let him down. But you’ve always known what to say. How to make me feel better.”
“Ah.” Odile nodded. She could understand that, she thought. Maybe not completely, it was strange being someone’s first pick when it came to anything, but she found she didn’t mind it at all.
“And. I– It’s ridiculous, I guess.” Siffrin said, shaking his head. “But I keep coming back to this idea that if I was going to Change, I’d want to be like you.”
Oh.
Oh.
That meant a lot. That meant so much.
Odile didn’t know what to think about that, but to be that respected and liked is something so special. To be part of Siffrin’s life. . .
“Siffrin. . .” Odile began.
“I mean, even Loop wanted to be like you.” Siffrin said, smiling slightly. “You should’ve heard the way they talked about you! They said you were someone to emulate, they. . . I don’t know. I guess wanting to be like you has been consistent across all Siffrin’s.”
This grown adult was going to make Odile cry.
She couldn’t afford that.
Not after they just opened their heart to her.
“I am grabbing a drink,” Odile announced, standing up. “Do you want one?”
She could practically hear the way Siffrin started to frown.
“No thanks.” Siffrin groused. “I don’t really like the taste of alcohol.”
Yes. Odile knew that. She had been trying to buy drinks that didn’t taste like alcohol for Siffrin, but every time an attempt was made, he stopped her.
She was starting to suspect he just didn’t like the buzz, or, worse, his memory problems got bad enough with the consumption of it that he had noticed.
“I didn’t mean alcohol,” Odile corrected even as she poured some into a glass for herself. “Do you want tea?”
Siffrin perked up. “Oh. Yes, please. Do you–?”
“I know what you like.” Odile reassured, taking out a mug and filling it with water. She hit it with Heat Craft, dropping the bag of tea into it and then brought it over to Siffrin’s waiting hands.
They were wise enough to let it seep, holding it between their hands and letting the heat warm them.
Odile sipped her own drink, tempted to down it all in one go, but then Siffrin really would figure out how badly his comment had hit her.
She knew Boniface looked up to her, but the elder four of their group. . .
It warmed and scared her all at once.
She kept coming back to the same thought; Siffrin didn’t let himself be a person. He didn’t allow himself to truly exist. As honored as she was, she wondered how much of that was him scrambling for personhood, for an identity.
“There’s another thing, that’s. . . made it worse, recently maybe?” Siffrin admitted, shyly, and Odile mentally sighed a breath of relief that she wouldn’t have to be the one to continue the conversation.
“Do tell.”
“Living with you has been great,” Siffrin told her, honestly, “but sometimes when I go out with you, people just look at me. . . weird.”
“You are a foreigner.”
“No! Not like that! Like, they seem fine with me being there until they realize I’m with you.” Siffrin said, shuffling into his cloak. “Like I don’t quite fit. So I just. . . I thought maybe if I was more like you, they wouldn’t think it’s so weird.”
Odile began sifting through her memories. She was trying to recall anyone looking at them odd. There was the occasional glance, sure, but they always shrugged it off quickly enough, didn’t they?
Did they not?
Siffrin had noticed enough to take it to heart.
“Did you know your name comes from a play?” Siffrin asked. “It’s our one similarity.”
Odile startled, drawn from her thoughts, and then she blinked at Siffrin.
No, she hadn’t been aware of that tidbit. She knew it was a Vaugardian name, but had never put too much effort into finding out its origins. Nobody had commented on it, so it felt vastly unimportant.
“And your character is this— this great beautiful thing. A bird that’s normally light but this one was dark, and it’s just. . . I can’t remember the name of the bird.” Siffrin admitted, setting down the tea to drag his hands down his neck. “But you’re beautiful. Everyone knows you.” They cracked a small smile, and despite herself, Odile found herself smiling, too.
And then they exhaled, tilting their head up to stare at the ceiling. “. . . And then there’s me, chasing you around, never letting you breathe.”
As illogical as it was, Odile found herself sniffing in annoyance. “I don’t need permission to breathe, Siffrin.”
He gave her a very confused look.”You don’t need this hideous little thing following you either. You don’t need me. I just thought, I guess. . . That if I was more mature, if I Changed to be more like you, nobody would be confused when they saw me following you around.”
“Like a lost baby bird?” Odile asked, everything clicking together.
“Yeah! Exactly like that!”
“Ah.” She nodded. “I think I see what you’re getting at. I think I know what look you’re referring to, too. And. . . perhaps that is my fault, too.”
Siffrin blinked at her in confusion, opening their mouth to doubtlessly say something about how it could never possibly be her fault, because apparently they were setting her upon a pedestal.
Odile cut him off. “I’ve been referring to you as my kyoudai.”
Siffrin paused.
“Sibling or brother, depending on the context.” Odile translated. She knew Siffrin wasn’t fond of masculine terms, aside from pronouns, but it was the closest thing she could say that fit her definition of what they were to her. “I suppose we don’t have much of a resemblance, do we?”
“Oh.” Siffrin said, staring at her with wide eyes.
“You’ve heard me call you that.” Odile stated, because the first time she did they had given her their squinty, confused look. She had meant to explain, but she supposed she never did. It was too raw, too revealing. He already should know she cared about him, what she called him didn’t matter.
Apparently, though, it did.
“I thought you were just calling me your friend,” Siffrin admitted. “Like. . . I don’t know.”
“You thought they were confused on why I would be friends with you.”
“. . . Yeah.”
“No. They just knew my father, and are trying to figure out how they never knew he adopted someone.” Odile deadpans. “Or are trying to figure out why he would sleep with another foreign person after the last one left him with me.”
Siffrin frowned. “Being left with you is hardly a curse–”
“Except you’ve spent all this time thinking you’re an outcast among my peers.” Odile snarked back at him. “Siffrin, I assure you, you’re not. Just because you look different doesn’t make you wrong or strange. You don’t have to be like me just because you think it’ll make my peers happier.”
Siffrin shuffled.
“And if they give you flack for it, I’ll cut them off. They’re not nearly as important to me as you are.”
They startled, head snapping up to stare at her, eyes wide.
“I mean it, Siffrin. You are one of the five most important people in my life.” Odile told them, leaning across the distance to pat their hand. “I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you happy. If that means Changing, I will find a way to help you Change. If you want to be more like me, then you certainly can be. And I will be honored. But if you feel a different way. . . I will be no less pleased to help you.”
Siffrin nodded mildly.
Odile sighed to herself, pulling back. “If you want to Change now, let me know. I will find the black market for these kinds of things, and we’ll figure it out. But I urge you to wait for Vaugarde, when it’s safer. So we can do it the right way, with all the materials you need.”
Siffrin dithered for a few more seconds, and Odile relaxed. “Siffrin, I want you to be happy just as much as you want us to be. Whatever you want, we’ll do. Because I care about the you you are now, and the you that you will be. Do you understand?”
Siffrin. . . nodded. It was less hesitant this time, more genuine.
Odile would take it. She leaned back and opened up her book.
“Odile?”
She looked back up, meeting Siffrin’s eye over the pages and cover.
“. . . Thank you. For being here for me. You’re. . . thank you. I’m honored to be part of your family.”
Odile smiled. “I’m happy to have you, too, Siffrin.”
Siffrin seemed to understand she was at her limit.
The conversation settled into comfortable silence. Odile hoped that she had said something to make them feel a little bit better. She hoped that they knew who they wanted to be, unbiased and ready.
She supposed there was nothing else to do but wait.