Work Text:
Robert Robertson sat next to both of his teams in the conference room as the Torrance Branch’s head HR manager, Kenneth Marley, was sitting across from the thirty five heroes and their dispatcher as he drummed his fingers across the table
No one was talking
The silence was unbearable
“Do any of you even know why I called this meeting?”
Finally! Noise!
Kenneth said it of course
“No, I don’t know” Robert replied
Kenneth sighed
“I called this meeting, because you and your team’s behavior is down right. And I’m gonna say this in the nicest way possible Robert. Atrocious” Kenneth replied
“Yes, your Z-Team has saved L.A. twice and the GD-Team has also saved L.A., but the way you act is horrible” Kenneth explained “You cannot continue in this way, and we’re gonna discuss this, starting with you, Mr Dispatcher, everyone else, stand outside, and try not to kill anyone” Kenneth instructed as the heroes sat up and left the room
“So Mr. Robert Robert Robertson the third. Who on earth decided this was appropriate?” Kenneth first asked as he went through his notes
“My dad”
“Sure okay”
“Anyway, it says here, you’re MechaMan. Now I appreciate what your family has done for L.A., I really do, but Astral, your father, was reported as a toxic boss. Now my theory is that you got that from him, is this true Robert?” Kenneth asked
“No”
“Then where Robert?”
Robert sighed
“I’m not a rude person-”
“There is recorded conversations with you insulting your team when they haven’t done anything wrong”
Robert looked at Kenneth
“I’m not gonna be able to say anything am I?” Robert asked
“No, I’m just correcting you. Anyway, I have on good authority to ask about your personal relationship with our Manager, now, why?” Kenneth asked
Robert looked blankly
“Did you seriously just ask me why I have a girlfriend?”
“I’m asking you if there’s a reason, other than you love her, why you’re dating our manager, Blonde Blazer AKA Mandy Collins”
Robert took a deep breath
“No, I just love her”
Kenneth wrote that down
“It’s clear that there’s no alternative reason for your relationship, you haven’t missed a day without reason, only two are brought up, one when you were injured during the work day and you went home for the week to rest and the only other time you weren’t fully at work was when that you came in late when you were involved in an accident, but other than that your record is clean” Kenneth pointed out as Robert nodded
“Okay, thank you Mr. Robertson, you’re dismissed, just please try not to cuss as much, okay?” Kenneth asked as he shook Robert’s hand
“NEXT!”
“So Susan Grav. Apogee, where did you get that name from?” Kenneth asked
“Well my powers involve gravity, so I thought Apogee, which means the point in orbit around earth, so I thought it fight” Apogee explained as Kenneth wrote it down
“Now it says here you’re from Arizona, why the change in states?” Kenneth asked “Because Arizona is miserable and I wanted a better state?”
“Mmm”
Kenneth wrote that down
“Now let’s talk about your behavior, you seem to be a party person, but very rude, like when you cussed out Robert on your first day of work”
“I WAS IN PAIN!”
Apogee calmed herself
“I also apologized”
Kenneth noted that down
“Another thing, you seem to be constantly walking into work hungover, why is that?”
Apogee looked dumbfounded at Kenneth
“You’re kidding right? You literally said the answer before”
“Yeah but it has to come out of your mouth”
“Ohmygod, okay yes I like to party and have fun at night which means I like to drink, there, are you happy!?”
Kenneth nodded
“Yes, now please just slow down your consumption of alcohol and we’ll be okay” Kenneth explained as he shook Susan’s hand
“NEXT!”
“So Jen Murphy, also known as Blazestone, motormouth? Care to elaborate?” Kenneth asked
“SobasicallyapperatlyitmeansthatItalkreallyreallyfasthoweverIdon’tnoticeitbutit’sreallyannoyingtosomepeopleand-”
Kenneth held up his hand
“I get it, you talk fast. So it says here in your file, that you went AWOL when you worked for NSA once, is that true?”
Blazestone surprisingly didn’t say anything
“I see, well it also says here that you worked on a team called Beta-Force, want to tell me more about that?” Kenneth asked
Still nothing
“Oh, come on, you were all mouthy before, what’s changed?”
Blazestone hugged her knees
“And would you like to talk about your failed relationship with Frozone?”
Nothing
“Alright, changing the subject, would you say that you like working here at SDN?”
Blazestone nodded her head
“Would you say that you’ve made friends working here at SDN?”
Blazestone nodded again
“Would you say that you would ever become evil given the chance?”
Blazestone shook her head no
“I see” Kenneth said as he jotted stuff down
“You may leave now” Kenneth said as Blazestone left her seat and walked out of the conference room
“NEXT!”
“Carter Miles, Blitzerman, that’s partially German, care to elaborate on that?” Kenneth asked
“I’m not German, I’m called that because-okay so you know how Robert’s superhero name was passed down by generation? Same for me, my Granddad was known for instantly stopping Blitzkriegs, so my dad eventually got called Blitzerman because he was the fastest cop in the department, so I took the name when I got my powers, are you happy now?” Blitzerman explained
“Very”
“So, your record is clean, no major problems with you, but one question for you”
“Hit me with it”
“Your unofficial relationship with fellow hero, Rebecca Swift, also known as Vectress. What’s that about?”
Blitzerman went quiet
“Oh, you're pulling one of these are you?” Kenneth asked as he leaned in
“So, I’m gonna ask you again, what is with you and Vectress?”
Blitzerman sighed
“Okay, we both like each other, there’s…”
“Sexual moments?”
“Didn’t really want to say that-We’re like friends with benefits, are you happy now?”
“Very much so”
Kenneth finished his scribbling of his notes
“Alright, thank you for your time, please keep up the good work” Kenneth said as he shook Blitzerman’s hand as he left
“NEXT!”
“Okay, Janelle Danse, also known as Coupé” Kenneth said as he looked Coop in the eyes “Funny, several months ago your name was on a paper on my desk saying you’ve been fired, then I get an email saying you’ve been rehired, so let’s look at your progress since you’ve rejoined SDN” Kenneth said as he opened her file
“You’ve made two new friends since you’ve joined, you’ve been loyal to SDN ever since you’re rehiring, and you’ve completed your formal training to rejoin SDN. Good job Coupé” Kenneth said
“Now you’ve mostly been in the clear, however there was one incident where you threatened somebody. We were doing good Coupé, what went wrong there?”
“I did not threaten her, I calmly explained to her that if she tries to throw a chair at me like she did with Golem, then she’ll be sorry”
“And this incident was the same one where superhero Macroburst’s sister came into the lobby upset?”
“Yes”
“Hmmm”
“Well other than that, you’ve been doing good work, keep it up Coupé” Kenneth said as Coupé got up to leave
“NEXT!”
“Donny Mitch, AKA Downburst, wow, you are probably the only one that isn’t a problem” Kenneth remarked
“Thank you?” Downburst said confused
“No like really, there’s nothing wrong with you, there’s no red flags, or anything…wait you can make bikes?”
“Yes?”
“Is that a side business you run?”
“I pick up trash and turn into bicycles”
Kenneth dropped the file cover
“How much do you charge for a bike because my nephew wants one”
“Uhhhhh, I don’t really think about it, like twenty dollars?”
“I’ll come find you after work”
“Well since you’re not really an issue Downburst, you may leave” Kenneth said as Downburst got up
“NEXT!”
“Martin parks, formerly known as the former leader of the Thrilling Three: Dynaguy. Why did your team go?” Kenneth asked
“Well we had to split up due to the Super Relocation Act, we really didn’t have a choice” Dynaguy explained
“Hmmm, but it says here, in this little part of your file that you were responsible for that law being passed, is that something we at SDN should be worried about?” Kenneth asked
“What!?”
“Right here, ‘Breaking news, Superhero Dynaguy in court over laser accident’ and it also says that you’re very reckless with your powers. I can see why you were sued then when I put two and two together. Anything to say in your defense?”
Dynaguy sat there thinking of one
“Well it seems like your file will have to speak for yourself as it also says that you got top marks in SDN’s firing range as well. Good to know that you seem to control your laser” Kenneth pointed out “Good work”
“Well other than your lawsuit, I feel like you’re not gonna be a problem for me, you’re allowed to go now” Kenneth said as Dynaguy left
“NEXT!”
“Winston Chai, former leader of the Phantasmics, Everseer” Kenneth noted “Now I’ve pulled up the file on the Phantasmics, a super-secret floating base over the Atlantic Ocean. Still owned by the government to this day as a naval military base. Now there is something we need to discuss, the firing of Gazerbeam from the Phantasmics. Why did you fire him?” Kenneth asked
“Because he tried to control our damages that we made, but the more real reason is lack of hygiene habits-”
“Muddy boots”
“Same thing, I can see into the microscopic world, do you know how many germs there are in this room right now as we speak!?”
Kenneth did not look impressed
“No, I don’t, but is that why you're currently floating? And why you haven’t touched the table at all?” Kenneth asked
“YES! IT’S DISGUSTING!”
“Good to know”
“Well other than you’re dislike of Beef, our therapy animal-”
“I do not dislike him, I only wish that he was cleaned more! And he’s not a therapy animal”
“-Your record is okay, you may float on out of here” Kenneth said as Everseer did in fact float away
“NEXT!”
“Marcus Stone, also known as Fironic, but unlike other fire people you’re good, is that why you call yourself Fironic?” Kenneth asked
“Probably because I’m a good person with fire heroes, instead of the stereotype that fire users are bad?”
“I see”
Kenneth wrote that down
“Well the only real problem that has been flagged with you, is the company you keep”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“What it means that you hang out with bad company?”
“Blazestone and Flambae are good people”
“Their past says otherwise”
“What are you trying to say? Huh?!”
Kenneth sighed
“What I'm saying is that the people you hang out with, were at one point bad people”
Fironic tensed up
“But they are changing. And other than that, I'd say we're done. You may leave no” Kenneth said as Fironic got up and slammed the door on his way out
“NEXT!”
“Chad Pashto, also known as Flambae, and my biggest headache ever, and I hate you the most” Kenneth said as he rubbed his face
“Oh don’t be like that” Flambae teased as he forced Kenneth’s head up to look at him “You know you love me”
“I don’t, I hate you”
“That’s a lie”
“Shut up”
Kenneth was now flustered and mumbling
“Alright let's get back to the main point of this conversation” Kenneth said changing the conversation “You need to stop being so rude and start being nicer, not to your other coworkers but also with your dispatcher” Kenneth said as Flambae moved his head up again with his hand “Stawwp” Kenneth said looking away
“You need to be nicer to people”
“But I am, you know that more than anyone”
“Stop talking about our sex life! PLEASE!”
“No”
“SEE! THIS IS WHAT I MEAN!”
“I think otherwise”
Kenneth was brushing hard
“You are such an asshole” Kenneth mumbled as he moved his face away “But you love me”
“Get out please!” Kenneth said giving in “Whatever you say Kenny” Flambae said as he walked out of the conference room
“Next…”
“Lucius Best, better known as Frozone, the friends you keep are atrocious” Kenneth said as he went through Frozone's file “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Exactly how it sounds like” Kenneth said
“Bob, Helen, Sarah, Simon, Theodore, Martin, Clark, Jen, and some of the others are good people with good intentions you desk riding paperwork addict”
“If that was the case you wouldn't have to go underground now would you?”
Frozone's fist tightened
“Is that your job? To piss people off!?”
“No, it's to manage human resources, that's what HR is, in normal terms I look at our employees and see the good and bad in them”
“And that’s why nobody likes you”
“I know”
Kenneth flipped another page
“So, why didn’t you and Blazestone’s relationship work out?”
“Are Fire and Ice aren’t compatible together”
“I see”
Kenneth wrote that down
“And your current marriage? How’s that going?”
Frozone just stared at Kenneth
“I say that it’s had its rough parts, but nothing too bad, just a disagreement here and there”
“Sure”
“Well other than the company you keep, I say you’re doing good, you may go” Kenneth said as Frozone left
“NEXT!”
“Jackston Power, also known as Gamma Jack. Your file is probably the worst” Kenneth said as he opened Gamma Jack’s cluttered file
“Let’s start at the top, multiple counts of racism”
“Technically not racism, considering that Supers and Non-supers are apparently one and the same”
“Yet you consider them lesser than you”
There was a long pause
“That sounds a lot like racism, no?”
Gamma Jack grimaced hard
“And that’s not mentioning the long list of girls that have blocked you as well”
“Shut up”
“But”
Gamma Jack looked confused
“Would you believe me that I’d have to let your ‘superiority’ complex slide because another hero, one that you work with in fact, is guilty of a crime, worse than your opinions?”
“No?”
“And would you believe me that I have bigger fish to fry than you?”
“No”
“Then you would be wrong, you’re the second or third worse because two other girls that you in fact work with, are worse than you, soooooooooooooo please leave?”
Gamma Jack looked confused but he did decide to go
“NEXT!”
“Simon J. Paladino, also known as Gazerbeam, but also a superhero lawyer, mostly considered as a ‘get out of jail free’ card by your friends, how does that make you feel?” Kenneth asked as he pointed to Gazerbeam’s aliases
“I would argue that they have to pay a fine for my help”
“And who gave you the alias ‘Simy’?”
“What”
Kenneth pointed it out to Gazerbeam
“Strangely that alias also appeared when you stopped being so monotone and started being more happy. Now that wouldn’t at all relate to you dating Mia would it?” Kenneth asked as he pulled up a photo from Mia’s social media account of her and Simon posing together after a SDN court win
“And if it is?”
“Then I would say SDN has a good legal team”
Kenneth wrote a few more things down
“But that's not all, because this is your second time working on a team, is there anything that we should worry about with you on this team?”
“No, I was only kicked out because me and Everseer had some disagreements”
“Mmmmmm”
“So other than you having a one-eighty on your personality, I would say you’re fine for right now, you may leave” Kenneth finished as Gazerbeam left
“NEXT!”
“Bruno, no last name? Also known as Golem. Okay for starters, you need to have a last name, that cannot remain so, you need a last name” Kenneth explained to the giant hulking mess of mud
“Uhhhh, how about mud?” Golem suggested
Kenneth looked up at him before filling in the blank space
“Now to talk about your underage drinking habits, you’re twenty years old, you’re not allowed to drink”
“I know”
“But you’ve done less”
“Yes”
Kenneth then flipped through Golem’s file, before flipping back through it as he was searching for something
“It says here that you’ve adopted a kaiju, but I can’t find your kaiju adoption form? You did fill one out right?”
Golem stood there as a small mud covered folder came out of him
Kenneth watched as Golem handed it to him
And inside was all of the paperwork Golem had about his Kaiju baby
“Okay, it all checks out…you named your kaiju Golem Jr?”
“Yes”
“Okay…well you’re free to go” Kenneth said as the hulking mass of mud left the room
“NEXT!”
“James Shocker, also known as Hypershock, wow your file is sad” Kenneth noted as he flipped through
“Big drinker you were”
“Yes sir”
“Wow, not a single sip for three months, congratulations Hypershock” Kenneth said as he noticed the large gap in between Hypershock’s latest sip of alcohol
“But there is something else, you got help from another hero to stay sober, Jessica Hydrogen, also known as Stormicide, but there’s something else in that AA sponsor isn’t there?” Kenneth asked as he pulled out a photo of Hypershock and Stormicide getting ice cream together “Don’t lie to me, there’s something between you two”
“Yes there is” Hypershock sighed
“Mmmmm”
Kenneth jotted that down
“And what do you think of your relationship with her?”
“She can do better than a stupid mommy issue ex drunk”
“Mmmmm”
“Alright, I thank you for realizing you need help, you can go now” Kenneth said as Hypershock got up
“NEXT!”
“Courtney Houston, also known as my biggest headache ever, minus Flambae. Invisigal” Kenneth said as his grip on his pencil tightened
“Sup Kenny, how was your little date with Flambae? Did he edge you?” Invisigal teased
“No, we didn’t do anything sexual, unlike you” Kenneth said as he flipped to a marked part of Invisigal’s file
“Now where do I begin with you? Multiple sexual things, including flashing your dispatcher, forcing yourself on your dispatcher, making sexual jokes between your dispatcher and your manager, etc.” Kenneth said as he pointed to each thing as Invisigal’s face went blank
“Do I need to flag you for all of this?! Because this, this is a problem-no, a constant problem with you!” Kenneth said as he pointed at her with his pen
“Now I can see why you and Psycwave get along so well”
“W-what!?”
“Because the two of you? Just love to do sexual stuff, don’t you?”
There was silence
“Get out and get the next hero in here!” Kenneth said as Invisigal disappeared as the door opened
“NEXT!”
“Alex Mendale, also known as Macroburst, and the only one with their pronouns written in their file” Kenneth noted as he pointed to the ‘They/Them’ in Macroburst’s file
“Minus your dating life, which is right now in a polycue, how…does that work?” Kenneth said as he pointed to a photo where Macroburst was being kissed on both sides of their face by a male and a female
“We…the three of us get married together and we live together”
“Mmmmm”
“Well your file is mostly good, just one incident, your sister’s little attack here” Kenneth pointed out as he grabbed a different file and opened it
“Your sister asked for your help in dismissing charges for…wow, using a frying pan as a sex toy, takes the phrase Pansexual a bit too far doesn’t it?”
“Yes”
“So when you said no, she showed up here to SDN, and attacked Golem with a chair before being arrested by police and SDN agents, however this all happened because you said no, correct?
“Yes”
“Mmmmm”
“Now Macroburst I will say this, you’re not in trouble at all, far from. You can go now” Kenneth said as Macroburst left the room
“NEXT!”
“Malevola Gibbs, also known as…you made your real name your superhero name?” Kenneth asked as he double checked his vision
“Yes babe” Malevola said as Kenneth jotted that down
“Okay…minus your paranormal heritage with your demon dad and human mom who are still on good terms with each other, how does that work?”
“My dad shows up to me mom's house since he's a good demon”
“A good demon?”
“A demon that is good”
“Okay….”
“It’s an oxymoron”
“I can tell”
“Now we do need to discuss about your job as Sonar's NA sponsor” Kenneth paused
“You're doing a horrible job of it”
“Oh yeah? Who are you to judge?”
“The guy who has to read every HR violation Sonar makes every time he gets high”
Silence
“Please stop him, and yourself from getting high” Kenneth paused “It’s getting ridiculous”
“Other than your inability to be a good NA sponsor, you’re generally not a problem, you may leave” Kenneth said as Malevola opened a portal and left that way
“NEXT!”
“Clark Papers also known as Meta-man, who is a superman clone” Kenneth said reading over Meta-man’s file
“Except I'm not an alien”
“Minus the fact that you're not an alien”
Kenneth flipped through the file some more before pausing at an incident
“It says here that your cape got stuck while you were helping civilians stuck in an express elevator. That's very dangerous, how are we sure that won't happen again?”
“Because I realized what I did wrong, and I made sure-I trained! Myself to NEVER make a reckless mistake like that again”
“Mmmmm”
“Dude, is that literally all you say? ‘Mmmmmm'?”
“How would you know that's all I say?“
“Because I heard the others complain about you going ‘Mmmmmm'”
“Mmmmmmm”
“You also seem to keep bad company, with this ‘Mr Incredible’” Kenneth said pointing to a photo he found of Bob and Helen's wedding
“Bob made zero mistakes, it's not his fault that a guy who wanted to die got saved”
“Mmmmmm”
“Well other than your company you keep, you’re free to go now” Kenneth said as Meta-man teleported out
“NEXT!”
“Bob Parr, also known as Mr. Incredible, also known as the man who caused his friends to go underground” Kenneth said as he eyed Mr Incredible
“It wasn’t my fault! It was Bombvoyage’s fault!”
“Sure, it wasn’t you did save a guy who didn’t want to be saved”
“HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT!?”
“Mmmmm”
“You also have three kids, how do they see you?”
“You cannot be serious”
“You did make sure they couldn’t be heroes”
Mr. Incredible looked like he wanted to punch Kenneth through the wall
“Your such a good person” Mr. Incredible sarcastically said
“Yes I am, not as good as those people from the train who sued you for something you didn’t do” Kenneth replied
“Wait what?”
Mr. Incredible was now confused
“You saved them all from death, and they repay you by ruining you and all of your friends’ lives, but yet. You still want to do good. That’s a true hero right there”
Mr. Incredible just sat there
“You may leave, and try not to break the door with your super strength” Kenneth said as Mr. Incredible did in fact leave
“NEXT!”
“Helen Parr, also known as Mrs. Incredible, formerly known but still goes by sometimes as Elastigirl” Kenneth said reading off her file
“Your file is clean, minus the fact that you’re married to Mr. Incredible”
“What’s that supposed to mean”
“Nothing too important, you can ask him yourself after this meeting”
“However you do have one problem” Kenneth said pointing to Elastigirl’s file
“You seem to be over protective and attach yourself to your coworkers like a mom”
“Only to those who need it”
“Like your dispatcher and our manager”
“Robert never had a mom growing up and Mandy just needed someone to talk to”
“Mmmmmh”
“You also have a close relationship to hero Stratogale, as you seem to call her your daughter”
“We have a close relationship, and she called me mom first”
“Mmmmmh”
“Well other than that, you’re free to go” Kenneth said as Elastigirl got up to leave
“NEXT!”
“Katon-Ur, also known as SDN's poster boy, Phenomenaman” Kenneth said reading his file
“How've you been, buddy?”
“I'm doing phenomenal Kenneth Marley of HR”
“Great, now we do need to discuss the elephant in the room”
They both know what the elephant was
“The edibles bro, they've got to go”
“But the head manager of the entire California state branch likes them!”
“What”
Kenneth looked annoyed
“Well in that case forget everything I said”
“But you said some important things”
“You know what I mean”
“No, I do not”
“Sure”
Kenneth let out a heavy sigh
“Never mind then, you’re free to go” Kenneth said as Phenomenaman left
“NEXT!
“Corey Mullens, also known as Phylange, how’s the throat” Kenneth asked as Phylange took another drink
“I’m great!”
“Good to know”
Kenneth flipped through Phylange’s file before stopping at a certain page
“It says here that you almost lost your voice yodeling, care to explain?” Kenneth asked as he pointed with his pen
“I’m in Opera, and I have to use my voice for my job”
“So additional strain on your voice caused it to break?”
“Yeah basically”
“Mmmmmm”
Kenneth wrote that down
“And the company you keep?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Your friends with Prism, who’s a major headache for me because of her attitude”
“But she’s nice”
“She’s as nice as a heart attack in a happy life”
“That’s a weird simile”
“It’s a true one!”
“Well other than being friends with Prism, you may leave” Kenneth said as Phylange left
“NEXT!”
“Victoria Bolts, also known as Plasmabolt, and the lady that’s a PR nightmare” Kenneth sighed as he opened her file
“We need to talk about this incident with the LGBTQ community”
“All I said was no!”
“And you cussed out a representative"
“That representative told me I couldn’t be gay. How can I not be gay!? Like do you want me to like men when I’m a married lesbian?!”
“Yeah, no you still can’t cuss out a representative like that”
“This is dumb!”
“Mmmmmmmmmm”
“Also, we need to talk about this other incident involving fellow hero Psycwave”
“She shouldn’t have been trying to get into my wife’s head! Literally!”
“Yes but you chased her”
“It might seem like that, but I was only pissed off at her! I had no intent to harm her!”
“Mmmmmmmm”
“Stop with the ‘Mmmmmm’ already!”
“And another thing, the problem with your wife”
“What, you're gonna tell me that I cannot have a wife?!”
“No, I’m also gay, so us both being in minorities cancels that out. No, but there was a call on your first week here, and you showed up, the call was from your wife to help, but when you returned back, another call followed where the same caller was flustered out of her mind and covered in your lipstick marks”
“But it was fixed!”
Kenneth sighed
“Just be nicer to people that you might hate”
“Sure Kenneth, sure”
“Well other than your own marriage, your a good hero, you may leave now” Kenneth said as Plasmabolt left
“NEXT!”
“Alice Middleson, also known as Prism, and yet another headache for me, but not as big as others”
“Well good day to you Flambae’s babe”
Kenneth blushed before removing that
“We need to discuss your…music” Kenneth said as he pulled out his phone open to Spotify
“It’s good music” Alice argued
Kenneth raised one eyebrow and pressed play
The song played for one minute before he paused it
“That was only one minute, and that was seventy percent slurs, that needs to be fixed if you want to play your music here” Kenneth explained
“Also please tell me you stopped vaping”
“I did, because I lost my vape”
“Oh thank god-wait you didn’t buy a new one, did you?”
“No, my favorite flavor wouldn’t come in for another month, so I got sobered"
“Mmmmmm”
“Stop that please”
“Mmmmmmmmmmm”
“But there is one good thing about you, you’ve been making friends, especially with Waterboy, Phlyange, and Vectress”
“Yeah because two of those guys are singers”
“And Waterboy?”
“He’s nice”
“Mmmmmm”
“Well other than that, you’re good to go” Kenneth said as Prism left
“NEXT!”
“Brittany Minns, as known as Psycwave, and the…you know what? You're worse than Gamma Jack. So the second worse hero on Robert’s roster”
“Love you too”
“Woman like you are the reason I’m a homosexual, so don’t even try to mind control me”
“What mind control?”
“I can tell you’re trying because your hand is making the motion of it”
Psycwave looked down and hid her hand
“So speaking of mind control, YOUR mind control. You have a bad habit of mind controlling both suspects and civilians, and you’ve been trying to read other people’s minds, which is a violation of SDN’s personal privacy rules” Kenneth said as his pen hit every point in Psycwave’s file
“Let’s start with the mind control, because minus the bad guys, we have you down for four instances of you mind controlling innocent people”
“So I can mind control bad guys, is what you’re saying?”
“You shouldn’t be mind controlling anybody, but you must please control hostage takers and suicide bombers, okay?”
“Boring”
“What could you possibly mean by boring?!”
“So I can't mind control hot guys?”
“No!”
“Ugh”
Kenneth squeezed the bridge of his nose
“And then we need to discuss you violating people’s personal spaces, AKA, their minds Psycwave”
“Technically the mind isn’t personal”
“It is, we have rules against this”
“Rules are stupid”
“Mmmmm”
“Stop that”
“Only when you stop trying to read my mind to see all of the other heroes’ files, oh, and another thing?”
“What”
“SDN employees’ spouses, children, and family members’ minds are all off limits”
“Did Plasmabolt snitch on me! I knew it!”
“Mmmmmm”
“STOP!”
There was silence as Kenneth smiled at Psycwave
“So other than you violating personal privacy, you’re fit for duty, get out” Kenneth said as Psycwave left
“NEXT!”
“Collin McLoughlin, also known as PunchUp, are you standing up right now on the chair?” Kenneth asked looking up from PunchUp's file
“Yes sir!”
Kenneth paused before clearing his throat as he went back to looking through the file
“I must say, your biggest problem is getting your coworkers to go out and drink with you. That has ended up bad every time, so please stop”
“Aw”
“PunchUp, I’m serious, I’m not gonna be the one held responsible for the next time someone from the GD-Team or Z-Team gets in trouble”
“Yes sir”
“Thank you”
“Now we do need to discuss your ‘special move’. PunchUp, what is it exactly”
“I punch people in the gonads!”
“Mmmmmm”
“What?”
“That can cause genocide of families”
“I know!”
“Then stop”
“Well other than you getting half the team drunk, you’re okay for duty, you’re allowed to leave” Kenneth said as PunchUp jumped down from his chair
“NEXT!”
“Victor Charlie, also known as Sonar, also known as the guy that needs to get sober” Kenneth said as he slammed closed Sonar’s file
“The drugs, we need to talk about them!”
“I think I’m doing great at-”
“You have as much self control as a dog in a peanut butter jar!”
Kenneth was pissed
“And don’t even get me started on that weed brownie incident!” Kenneth said as he pulled the misconduct charge out of Sonar’s file
“We have people of all ages, all races, all religions, all sexualities, all species because not everyone that works here is human, and people from all regions and or galaxies and universes” Kenneth pointed out
“And?”
“AND NONE OF THEM WANT TO GET HIGH BECAUSE THEY HAD A UNSUSPECTING BROWNIE!”
Sonar shrank back into his seat
“Getting people high unconsciously and without their knowledge is a criminal offense Sonar!”
“Relax, nobody got hurt”
“Phenomenaman got high and was sent home early and YOU, YES, YOU! Had a long talk with me and Blonde Blazer!”
Sonar gulped
“Where do you even keep getting drugs?!”
“My supplier?”
“And who is your supplier?”
“I can’t say?”
“OH YOU WILL!”
After a few more minutes of Kenneth staring down Sonar, he finally reached a conclusion
“You better be grateful that Vanderstank covers for you, now get out!” Kenneth said as Sonar left
“NEXT!”
“Sam Morins also known as Splashdown” Kenneth said reading through his file
“Alright, I’m gonna be honest with you, there’s nothing that you have done wrong, every call you’ve been sent out on has been clear, your past history is cleaner than clean, and everyone I talk to about you has a good reputation of you”
“That’s great! So can I leave now?”
“Absolutely not”
Kenneth turned the file around and pushed it to Splashdown
“We need to talk about your first visit to my least favorite place because all of the problems that happen there end up on my desk. Anyway! It says that you threw water at somebody, care to explain please?”
“All I did was extinguish Gamma Jack’s meltdown. He turned on his green fire powers, so I threw water at him”
“Mmmmmmmmm”
“Dude, stop”
“MMMMMMMMM!”
“Well mister, other than you causing a mess at Crypto-Nite, you are cleared for duty, you may go” Kenneth said as Splashdown left
“NEXT!”
“Jessica Hydrogen, also known as Stormicide, and Hypershock’s AA sponsor, also known as the only good AA sponsor considering Malevola’s track record” Kenneth said going through her file
“So looking here it says nobody took you seriously, why is that?”
“I control gases, tell me, what’s a fart?”
“A smelly gas?”
“Exactly, I control gas, I control farts apparently”
“Mmmmmmmm”
“But what made you become Hypershock’s AA sponsor?”
“He was the only one that didn’t take me as a joke, and needed help, so I decided to become his sponsor”
“Mmmmmmm, so I talked to him, your relationship is clearly more than a sponsor and their recipient. As HR, any relationships I must be informed of”
“Okay so we have a few flings here and there, but nothing too serious!”
“Mmmmmm, so the picture of the two of you getting ice cream? That was just a ‘fling’?”
Stormicide went red with blush
“Just tell me the truth”
“Okay I like him! There I said it! He’s nice!”
“He said you deserve better than him”
“No, I’m sticking with him”
“Mmmmmmm”
“Well, I can safely say that you’re good for work, you’re allowed to leave” Kenneth said as Stormicide got up and left
“NEXT!”
“Sarah Wormen, also known as Stratogale, also known as the second youngest person on Robert’s roster” Kenneth said as Stratogale gave a weak smile
“Look, we need to discuss the elephant in the room”
“We do, don’t we?”
“Yes! You are sixteen! You’re far too young for what happens here!”
“But I helped saved L.A., I haven’t gotten in any trouble, and my parents approve of me working here”
“I understand but you’re not even old enough to drink, or let alone drive”
“I know, I’m the destined dropper offer for when the team gets drunk and needs to get home”
“Mmmmmmmmmmm”
“Kenneth sir?”
“Yes?”
“Is that all you say after we finish sentences, is ‘Mmmm’?”
“Yes, I do say it and I like it!”
“Okay? I mean that’s kind of weird”
“Mmmmmmm”
“However, Stratogale we do need to talk about how you got injured last month” Kenneth said as he pulled out her medical sans
“I fell off the second floor onto a bench”
“Why did you fall off the second floor though?”
“Because I didn’t see the balcony and I laughed too hard and I fell”
“I find that hard to believe, in fact I watched the footage, and you know what I found?”
“What?”
“You slipped on your cape”
They both paused
“Stratogale, this isn’t your second cape like incident” Kenneth reminded as Stratogale curled up into a ball
“I read your file; you almost died because your cape got sucked into a jet engine”
Stratogale tightened her grip on her knees
“I’m not upset at you Stratogale, I’m not, you're a good hero, you are”
Stratogale loosened up
“But the cape, kiddo, it needs to be shortened”
Stratogale looked up at Kenneth
“You’re a good hero, out of everyone I’ve spoken to, nobody has anything bad to say about you at all, but that might be the only thing we can remember you by, okay? All I’m asking you to do is just shorten your cape” Kenneth explained
Stratogale uncurled herself
“Yes sir”
“Thank you, also who’s Jake?”
Stratogale recurled herself
“You can’t lie to HR kiddo”
Stratogale made a peep before answering
“He’s my boyfriend”
“Aww, that’s sweet” Kenneth joked as Stratogale turned another shade of red and he wrote it down
“Alright, minus your accident you’re good for duty, have a good day Stratogale!” Kenneth said as she left
“NEXT!”
“Theodore Tonitrus, also known as Thunderhead, wow you’re a family man” Kenneth said reading through his file
“So, we need to discuss this intelligence score, you have the lowest score on your team, care to explain?” Kenneth asked
“Look I was a high school dropout, I…I’m not smart, look I tried, and…I’m just not smart”
“Mmmmmmm”
“But you adopted five kids? Oh, and you’re married?” Kenneth asked
“Okay, I tried, I really did! I tried to learn, but I just couldn’t, so another student named Scott tried helping me, and we fell in love, and got married after high school”
“That doesn’t answer the kids though?”
“I found most of them on the street, what was I supposed to do? Leave them!?”
“No no, you did the right thing, sad to see five good kids left out on the street”
“I know right?”
Kenneth then stopped on another page
“And what’s with this cape incident?” Kenneth said asking as he pointed to the part in the file
“Look, I defeated a hired minion who was going to blow up the city, but when I did a bow for a lady who got captured, the missile took off and my cape got caught”
“And how did you survive?”
“My cape got torn by the missile fin as it went up”
“Mmmmmmmm”
“Well other than your score, you’re okay for duty, you can go” Kenneth said as Thunderhead left
“NEXT!”
“Tristan Ava, also known as Tradewind, and one of the few guys who needs to actually wear glasses instead of using them as a disguise” Kenneth said going through the file
“So real question because your file is good, the goggles? Like I got to know how they work”
“Okay well when Edna Mode was making my suit, she noticed my glasses, and asked me for extra pair, when I returned to get my suit, she handed me some goggles that were made using my prescription eye glasses, so I can see”
“Mmmmmm”
“Anything else?” Tradewind asked
“Nah not really dude, you file is clean”
“So I can leave now right?”
“Yep, you can go” Kenneth said as Tradewind left
“NEXT!”
“Headrick Uni, also known as Universal Man…okay dude seriously you need to wash that damn suit” Kenneth said as he slightly gagged on the horrible smell coming from Universal Man “Why?” Universal Man asked
Kenneth sighed
“Look, I get that you don’t have a civilian life, you literally tried writing your name down as Universal Man, look whenever you like it or not, you need a civilian life, you apparently got arrested several times when you were banned” Kenneth explained
“Pfff, they were just jealous”
“Oh my god”
“Okay, another thing! Your failure on Beta-Force, you worked with Blazestone, why did that fail?”
“She was unstable”
“Alright that may have been true, but I suspect another reason, you work better alone than with teammates, but there is no I in team!”
“There is in the a-hole”
“Yeah! In the a-hole! You’re an a-hole sometimes dude!”
“However, your decision to still be good during the ban is at most a controversial one, you helped people and kept communities safe, but you weren’t supposed to at the time. However you still did good, so I’ll let it slide” Kenneth said
“So, minus you stinking like a sewer, you’re fine for duty, you can leave” Kenneth said as Universal Man left
“NEXT!”
“Rebecca Swift, also known as Vectress, are you by any chance related to Taylor Swift?” Kenneth asked
“No, just same last name” Vectress explained
“Cool” Kenneth said
“Okay so we need to talk about you being yet another repeat power super”
“I’m aware! Phylange and Meta-Man have the same powers as me!”
“Speaking of which, how did you find out your power?”
“Okay so I tried being a country girl, I had the voice for it, so during a show at a bar, I hit a high note, a bit too loud, and I accidentally shattered the roof, they thought it was part of the show, it was not”
“Mmmmmmm”
“One last thing Vectress” Kenneth paused “We need to discuss your relationship with Blitzerman”
Vectress went red
“So, on a scale from one to ten, how much do you like him?”
“Ten-no nine, crap no seven”
“That’s a different scaling, why is that Vectress?”
“I-I like him?”
“But he says you guys are friends with benefits?”
“That's us! Yes!”
“Mmmmmmmmmm”
“Just be honest with me, do you like him?” Kenneth asked
“Yes…”
“Mmmmmmmm”
“Well Missy, you’re a good hero, but you should really sort out your relationship with him Blitzerman first, but other than that you’re good to go” Kenneth said as Vectress left
“LAST PERSON CAN COME IN!”
Herman Mats, also known as Waterboy, so buddy, you’re my last person I’m meeting with, how have you been” Kenneth asked
“Great! W-wait n-no good!” Waterboy said
“Great bud! So, your new supersuit, where did you get it from? Because you haven’t dripped water at all?”
“O-oh! I-I got it f-from this nice lady n-named Edna Mode!”
“Yeah, I heard about her, and she made you this suit that keeps you and everything you touch dry?”
“Y-yeah!”
“Mmmmmmm”
“So other than you not getting everything wet, you’ve been a good hero here at SDN since Robert took you onto his team, so good job man!”
“T-thanks!”
“Well, you’re free to go now, thanks for not being a major pain” Kenneth said as Waterboy left
Kenneth sat there alone, before he called Robert back in
“So, regarding your team, and you. You all suck and have problems” Kenneth explained to Robert
“Thanks, Kenneth, for being so nice to my team today” Robert sarcastically said
“You’re welcome!” Kenneth said as he got up and shook Robert’s hand
“You’re free to go” Kenneth said as Robert shook his hand
An hour later Kenneth sat in his car with his head on the steering wheel
“I hate those idiots so much” Kenneth said before he felt his phone ding
Flambitch:You want dinner Kenny?
Kenneth looked at the message and thought long hard
Kenny:If you’re not implying sex, then YES!
Kenny:I want pizza
Flambitch:Say the magic word
Kenny:May I please have pizza?
Flambitch:Then come to my place
Kenneth put down his phone and smiled as he drove himself for free pizza