Archive of Our Own

Jonathan Sims: Please use this channel for work-related conversations only.

Timothy Stoker: This is remarkably modern of you Jon. Didn’t know you had it in you.

Sasha James: You know, Jon, given that our job involves talking to people about whether or not they’ve encountered stuff like ghosts, monsters and homicidal kettles; that one incident where someone claimed their house contained all of infinity for a solid month (and I’m pretty sure there was also something about werewolves?) I’d say that ‘work-related’ can contain multitudes.

Martin Blackwood: oh, we have a group chat?

Martin Blackwood: that’s fun!

Timothy Stoker: No, no, Martin, not fun. Strictly business

Timothy Stoker: For instance - some work-related resources: https://docs.google.com/sexywerewolves/; https://docs.google.com/sexyghosts/; https://docs.google.com/sexysexykettles/

Jonathan Sims: Tim. A word in my office, please. Now.

Melanie King: Since when did this place have a work chat? And does that cover planning to kill your boss?

Martin Blackwood: Look, I know you don’t exactly like Jon, but I really don’t appreciate this kind of joke.

Melanie King: not Sims, idiot. Bouchard.

Martin Blackwood: oh, right! That’s fine then.

Martin Blackwood: encouraged, even

Jonathan Sims: While I can’t say I don’t understand the sentiment, I would ask you all to refrain from actively planning murder on the work chat. Also, I should remind you that Elias is probably reading this.

Melanie King: good. I want him to know what’s coming. I want him to know every detail. Can you feel it, Elias, the way that my knife is going to press so sweetly against your ribs? Your stomach? Your heart? Your liver? The blood that pours out in a rich, red torrent, more than you could possibly have imagined one body could hold, and you can feel each individual drop of it, as it leaves in tearing agony …

Jonathan Sims: Melanie. Please.

Melanie King: Ugh. Fine.

Melanie King: But I do have a printer question.

Jonathan Sims: Is this related to the unholy screaming noise it makes, when asked to print statements with the word ‘moist’ in; the haunting piano music, which sounds like the very essence of pure grief, in melody; or is it just jammed again?

Melanie King: Jammed. And, also, what the actual fuck?

Melanie King: Just a suggestion, but maybe get a non-haunted fucking printer!?

Jonathan Sims: I’ve tried. They all do the same thing within three days.

Jonathan Sims: On a related note, please don’t use the laminator on a Tuesday. Sorry, should really have mentioned that before, but, you know … the ‘wanted for murder’ thing. And the ‘being kidnapped’ thing. Slipped my mind.

Melanie King: … you know what, I don’t even want to know.

Sasha James: Who … where … cold …

Timothy Stoker: Whoever the fuck this is, it isn’t funny.

Sasha James: … fragments … stolen … I see you … see who? … help? … someone help me … please …

Timothy Stoker: Jon, fucking shut down Sasha’s account, before I hurt someone.

Jonathan Sims: I already deactivated the account, Tim. I’ve asked IT to take a look. We’ll get it stopped.

Timothy Stoker: Yeah. Right. Because you’re so good at fixing things.

Jonathan Sims is typing

Timothy Stoker: If that’s another apology, just don’t fucking bother, okay?

Timothy Stoker: fuck this. fuck you. fuck everything.

Timothy Stoker: why does death feel like a group chat?

Timothy Stoker: this is a weird fucking dream.

Timothy Stoker: I exploded. I actually exploded.

Timothy Stoker: Didn’t feel as good as I expected.

Sasha James: exploded. Is that what happened to me?

Sasha James: feel scattered. Pieces are coming back

Sasha James: too slow. no one to hear me. No one wants to hear me.

Sasha James: hear me?

Timothy Stoker: Sasha?

Timothy Stoker: Sasha fucking James is that actually you, you?

Timothy Stoker: I can’t … damn it … I can’t see you or touch you or … there’s nothing here.

Sasha James: Sasha. I think … I think that’s my name.

Sasha James: I think that’s a piece of me. Mine.

Timothy Stoker: 😢

Timothy Stoker: Oh fuck I cry in emoji now

Timothy Stoker: this is so messed up

Sasha James: Tim. Your name is … Tim. I remember, I think. Are you … are you a piece of me too?

Timothy Stoker: 😭😭😭😭😭

Timothy Stoker: yeah, Sash. Yeah, I’m a piece of you

Timothy Stoker: it’s going to be okay, yeah?

Timothy Stoker: I don’t know how but … it’ll be okay.

Sasha James: I have a distinct memory of … sexy werewolves?

Timothy Stoker: Yes! That’s my girl!

Timothy Stoker: We’ll have you all back in no time.

Jonathan Sims: Okay, whoever it is who is roleplaying my late colleagues on here …

Jonathan Sims: ✨👁️✨ Oh. Oh god.

Jonathan Sims: It’s really you.

Jonathan Sims: Tim, Sasha, I …

Jonathan Sims: I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

Sasha James: Jon? I remember you, I think.

Sasha James: small things. Associations. Pompous. Tired. Funny. Kitten.

Timothy Stoker: 🤣😂🤣

Timothy Stoker: She’s got you there, Jon.

Timothy Stoker: Or should I say sleepy pompous kitten?

Jonathan Sims: I would really rather you didn’t.

Jonathan Sims: God, I missed you so much. But, are you two … sorry if this is a delicate question, but Gerry said it hurt to be dead.

Jonathan Sims: So, are you two okay?

Jonathan Sims: Do you want me to try and exorcise you?

Jonathan Sims: I can probably get hold of some holy water.

Jonathan Sims: Though it never worked on the printer.

Sasha James: it doesn’t hurt here

Sasha James: its weird. Empty. But it has Tim.

Sasha James: and I’m just figuring myself back out.

Sasha James: so, no thanks on the exorcism for me.

Timothy Stoker: much though it amuses me to imagine you trying to work out the logistics of dehaunting a group chat, gonna have to say no to that one too, Jon.

Timothy Stoker: Sasha’s here. That’s enough.

Timothy Stoker: not in pain, now. Not so angry anymore, either

Timothy Stoker: exploding kind of gave me a new perspective on things.

Jonathan Sims: Good. That’s good. I mean, not the exploding, obviously, but that you’re not hurting. But, if there’s anything I can do for you, either of you … I’m not sure what, exactly, but … I’ll try.

Sasha James: Thanks. Talking helps. The more I have someone to talk to, the more of me comes back. Makes me feel real again.

Jonathan Sims: I can do that.

Jonathan Sims: Honestly, I could do with someone to make me feel real again.

Jonathan Sims: Things are a little … sorry. Not important.

Jonathan Sims: Would you like to tell me about yourself? What you remember?

Sasha James: Yes. Yes, that would be really good, actually.

Sasha James: the thing I remember best, is that i always wanted to know stuff …

Alice Tonner: Hey. So, Jon tells me that the group chat is haunted? Tim, are you really stuck in here? I mean, I got stuck in a coffin for months, so … guess I can relate.

Alice Tonner: Never really chatted to dead people before. Except, you know, in my head. Had this whole guilt thing to work through, lots of corpses screaming at me.

Alice Tonner: Which, you know, fair. But exhausting.

Timothy Stoker: Daisy. Huh. Didn’t expect you to be the first one Jon talked to about us.

Alice Tonner: Yeah, well, things are pretty messed up here. Think I’m the only one actually talking to Jon, right now. Apart from you two. Thanks for that, by the way. Makes him less of a Mr Mopey Muppet.

Timothy Stoker: What about Martin? Wasn’t he all goo goo over Jon?

Alice Tonner: gone to work for the enemy. Jon seems to trust him, but I think he’s being a jerk, personally. Isolate and annihilate, that was a tactic we used to use in the force. Play people against each other, cut them off from support.

Alice Tonner: if you’re reading this martin, i don’t like you but jon does, so get your bloody act together.

Sasha James: Daisy, is it? I don’t know you do i? But Tim mentioned you. Didn’t you try and kill Jon once?

Alice Tonner: Kind of an Archives rite of passage, at this point. Think Tim’s got closest, so far. Unless Martin breaks his stupid fragile little heart.

Jonathan Sims: Daisy, that’s enough! Martin is working on something important and he knows what he’s doing. I won’t have you talking about him like that.

Jonathan Sims: And my heart is not ‘fragile’.

Alice Tonner: fragile isn’t a insult Jon. God knows i used to think so, but … things change. People shatter and reform, best they can. Weakness, strength, it doesn’t mean what it used to. It’s all just part of being … us.

Sasha James: I like that, i think. I’m not quite who i used to be, but i am who i am and that feels like something that matters. Cracks and holes and all.

Timothy Stoker: Damn straight, Sasha.

Timothy Stoker: … and I think i should be awarded a medal for not cheapening that touching sentiment with jokes about cracks. And holes.😏

Jonathan Sims: Medal officially rescinded.

Sasha James: Hey, Martin. Can we talk a moment, please?

Sasha James: martin? I know you’re still on here.

Sasha James: martin k blackwood, get your arse on the chat.

Timothy Stoker: @Martin Blackwood. @Martin Blackwood. @Martin Blackwood. @Martin Blackwood. @Martin Blackwood. @Martin Blackwood

Sasha James: @Martin Blackwood. @Martin Blackwood. @Martin Blackwood. @Martin Blackwood. @Martin Blackwood. @Martin Blackwood. @Martin Blackwood. @Martin Blackwood. @Martin Blackwood. @Martin Blackwood. @Martin Blackwood.

Timothy Stoker: Don’t try and ghost a ghost, Martin. We can tell you’re there, you know. Spooky intuition comes free with every death. Whoooooooooooo, I can feeeel your presence! (and so on and so forth).

Martin Blackwood: fine! God. Yes, I’m here.

Martin Blackwood: and I’m sorry you’re dead. Really sorry. I miss you both

Martin Blackwood: i miss a lot of things

Martin Blackwood: but that’s how it has to be, okay?

Sasha James: but is it? Actually? How it has to be?

Sasha James: spooky intuition, remember?

Sasha James: and the fact that even though i don’t know peter lukas i know that he’s Bad News with extra capitals.

Timothy Stoker: BBBBBad NNNNNews.

Martin Blackwood: I’m not stupid, guys. I know lukas is bad, i know he’s full of bullshit. Trust me, i really know. But i have some ideas of my own and I just have to see this through. There’s a lot at stake here, okay?

Timothy Stoker: yeah, that’s what i thought when i blew myself up.

Timothy Stoker: and it feels like nothing changed

Timothy Stoker: like we made all our plans and thought we were so smart, and then i was just a pawn in something, after all, following my little angry self-destructive path, like a good little playing piece

Sasha James: did you know there are threads all over you, martin? All of us but you and jon especially

Sasha James: it’s hard to explain because we can’t see here, not exactly. But when you type its like …

Timothy Stoker: its distracting. You’re all fog and thread and you, all at once. Really weird, actually.

Sasha James: and jon is … so much. Thread and blood and eyes and crushing and lots and lots more. And so much pain. If you could feel it martin …

Martin Blackwood: don’t. Don’t do that. don’t bring jon into it. I’m doing this for him, okay?

Martin Blackwood: it’s so lonely and scary and terrible but that’s okay, because i’m doing it for him.

Timothy Stoker: Martin, have you seen Jon recently? Really seen him?

Timothy Stoker: I mean, I’m dead and I think I’m doing better than he is.

Sasha James: Look, I’m still learning and relearning myself and all of this. Coping with being dead and remembering what it was like to be alive and navigating all the weirdness we can understand better from here but not touch.

Sasha James: but my gut says you should be unexpected.

Timothy Stoker: it’s like there’s a path you can see yourself being pushed down. And a path you can’t see yourself being pushed down. And you have to pick neither.

Martin Blackwood: Right. Great. and how i am supposed to know that the ‘neither’ path i go down isn’t secretly the invisible path I was supposed to go down all along?

Sasha James: you don’t

Sasha James: so best to just pick the path that isn’t lonely and scary and terrible

Sasha James: never liked those stories where the stony, brambly path was always the noble one by default

Sasha James: primroses all the way for me

Timothy Stoker: and by primroses, Sasha means Jon.

Timothy Stoker: go give him a hug, Martin. Seriously.

Timothy Stoker: Spooky intuition compels thee.

Jonathan Sims: Hello, Tim. Hello, Sasha. So, there have …

Jonathan Sims: There have been some developments.

Jonathan Sims: Martin and I had a talk. We agreed to face down the threat of the Extinction together, as a team, rather than have Martin pretend to work for Lukas.

Jonathan Sims: There were hugs. Lots of hugs.

Jonathan Sims: And then we sort of … overpowered Peter Lukas with the blazing power of love? Or something?

Jonathan Sims: Which is apparently incompatible with the Lonely.

Jonathan Sims: So he exploded.

Jonathan Sims: And then Elias showed up, rather annoyed, and we also had a talk.

Jonathan Sims: But no hugs.

Jonathan Sims: It turns out that my Beholding powers are stronger than his now. Much stronger.

Jonathan Sims: And he had a very … interesting story to tell.

Jonathan Sims: Long, and rather grisly, story short, he’s dead. We stuck the eyeballs through the blender, just to be safe. I put the juice safely in my ‘weird’ drawer, along with Jane’s ashes and my rib.

Jonathan Sims: You, ah, probably didn’t need to know that.

Jonathan Sims: Anyway, I think I’m the head of the institute now. And still thoroughly soaked in Fears and general horrors, unfortunately. Though one short of a full set, thankfully.

Jonathan Sims: And at least the world is not an apocalyptic nightmare, so that’s a nice plus.

Jonathan Sims: Thank you both. You’ve been very quiet recently, so I was worried that … well. If you’re still there, thank you so much.

Jonathan Sims: It won’t be easy, trying to change things.

Jonathan Sims: But at least we actually have a chance to try.

Sasha James: That’s great, Jon!

Sasha James: And don’t worry, we’re still here.

Timothy Stoker: We were just spending a lot of time in each other’s personal messages. If you know what I mean. 😉

Sasha James: And now you’ve made it weird.

Sasha James: Morning everyone. Love you @Jonathan Sims.

Timothy Stoker: Ugh. It still feels wrong to be awake this early. Even if I don’t technically sleep. I should still be doing the ghostly equivalent of being snug in my bed

Timothy Stoker: oh and love you @Jonathan Sims.

Basira Hussain: Morning is the best part of the day. Fewer people trying to bug you for things. Love you @Jonathan Sims.

Melanie King: oh god, is it good morning love yous, already? Fine, fine. Love you @Jonathan Sims, I guess. Ugh, shouldn’t have to do that before coffee.

Alice Tonner: Morning @Jonathan Sims. Love you, you muppet. And for the sake of all that’s unholy, quit being so droopy and miserable, every time the weight of your own inhumanity and the creeping threat of the Web start nagging at you. We’ve all got problems, you know.

Martin Blackwood: Love you a thousand times @Jonathan Sims. 💖💖💖

Jonathan Sims: Good morning, everyone. And I thought we all agreed that I didn’t need all the love affirmations to stave off the Lonely anymore, since the last fog traces vanished?

Martin Blackwood: You agreed. On your own. And I’d be doing it anyway, you can’t stop me. In fact, I’m goung to send you a ton of disgusting kisses. 😘😘😘😘😘😘 Muah! Muah! Muah!

Sasha James: Sorry, Jon, but given that the entire world is at risk if you tick off the last Fear on your Bingo card, I think it’s worth accepting a small amount of mandated daily gushiness.

Timothy Stoker: Sucks to be you, buddy. (Lifts hose and directs a blast of ghostly affection directly to the face)

Jonathan Sims: Huh. I think … I think I actually felt that.

Sasha James: You probably shouldn’t have told him that Jon.

Timothy Stoker: You definitely should have told me that. Life (afterlife? Whatever) is instantly ten times better. I have so many hose-related plans.

Jonathan Sims: Please, Tim, I am begging you not to phrase it like that.

Jonathan Sims: Though, I suppose, if it’s in the interests of saving the world, I can accept some … pleasantries.

Jonathan Sims: But now I’d like to remind you all that this is a work chat. So, can we please all get back to that?

Jonathan Sims: And, ah, I love you too, very much. All of you. (Yes, especially you, Martin). Er. Kiss noises.

Timothy Stoker: wow. Never thought I’d see the day that Jonathan sims was earnestly kissing everyone in chat.

Timothy Stoker: almost worth dying for. 😁