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It’s a starry, semi-cold night, but not too cold that the two girls Jecka and Nicole need to cover up. Like they would anyway. They’re both perched on Jecka’s dad’s beat-up truck, which is probably almost broken now. But they aren’t driving it, so how could they know? Nicole is trying to look up at the little dots of light in the sky, but Jecka’s cigarette smoke isn’t making it easy.
“I thought we were actually stargazing. Unless you’re just trying to get me hooked on your cigarettes.” Nicole says.
“Yeah right, Nicole. Like you want to stare at the sky quietly for three hours.”
“You’re making assumptions. I was actually set out to watch Toyota Camrys pass through your neighborhood.”
Jecka laughs, “Pfft, you seriously noticed that that was the only type of car in my neighborhood.”
“Unlike you, I have eyes.”
“And I don’t?”
“No.”
Jecka rolls her eyes, something that really only Nicole does. Jecka’s the more chill one of the two, well, Nicole thinks that. And she’s pretty sure everyone else has spotted that. It’s more likely that someone hears Nicole’s name associated with a not-so-great situation than AP student Jecka. The girl’s taking college classes while Nicole is still taking what is basically 7th grade English. Not that Nicole isn’t smart, she just couldn’t give less of a shit about school. She’ll dig herself out of this hole someday- or just kill herself before graduation (if she even graduates).
“You’re so fucking stupid.”
Jecka turns around, startled by Nicole’s blurt. “Wow. Thanks so much.”
“Not like that, it’s like, you’re so dumb, but also kinda smart. It confuses me. I kind of hate you for that.”
Jecka smirks, “Or you’re just jealous?”
“Fine, you can stick that complement up your ass, then.” Nicole scoffs.
Jecka drags her cigarette and hands it to Nicole, and she takes a drag too.
Jecka sighs, “Ya know, I’m kind of worried about what I’ll do after high school ends. I’m scared that I’ll never find a job, or I’ll just become a sex worker. And like, if I’m desperate enough for money, I get it, but I don’t really wanna do that.”
“So don’t become a sex worker then?”
“But I’m worried that it’ll be the last resort.”
“I’m sure any old boss would get you a job. You’re… well, attractive, and yeah, they’ll probably use you for more sales, but you could probably get a small apartment. Or something. I don’t know.”
Jecka smiles, “As long as I’m not living in a dumpster I could probably get some sleep.”
“I’d sleep anywhere.”
Jecka frowns at her. Nicole notices the small brightness in Jecka’s chocolate brown eyes, glistening in the moonlight. It’s something she’s never noticed before, how her smile is so natural, not with disgusted undertones like Nicole’s has. Her wavy blonde hair, tied up in a bun/also ponytail, something she’d taken from Nicole. Nicole thought it was kind of cute, how Jecka automatically copied her hairstyle after meeting her. Which was when Nicole 'accidentally’ made a guy jump off the edge of one of the school buildings. Nicole wasn’t trying to make him do it, he was just sensitive, that’s all. And that wasn’t really her problem.
Jecka’s light hair flies in the midnight wind, almost ethereal how the moonlight captures it. It’s almost like she’s made-up to look perfect at every time of day…
What the fuck is Nicole thinking? Getting all sappy just by looking at Jecka? Feeling something? Feelings are for people who spend all day reading about two irrelevant characters sloppily making out- not Nicole. (and definitely not the reader of this)
Maybe the Xanax she took this morning didn’t wear off.
It’s totally that.
Totally the drugs.
Nicole needs to say something. Now.
“Hey, so am I like, staying over or something? Cause I don’t really want to arrive home to my bitchy mom yelling at my brother for committing a felony.”
“I mean sure, but it’s not like my house is better.” Jecka mutters.
“Well your room is bigger.”
“So that’s the only reason?”
Yes.”
“Right, and I’m not to be worried about you committing something?” Jecka’s eyes dart to Nicole.
“Besides suicide, yeah.”
“You’re insufferable.”
“Big words for such a small brain.” Nicole smirks.
“You literally just called me smart a few minutes ago.”
“Oh I did, huh.”
“You’re proving my point. Insufferable.”
“Did you pick that word up from Honors English?”
Jecka scoffs at Nicole, “No, I know it because I know words.”
“Yeah, what does redamancy mean?”
“Knowing you, it’s probably a way to kill something.”
“It’s not.”
“Then what’s it mean, Einstein?”
“I’m not telling you.”
Nicole is never going to tell her. Because it might be a word that she came across while searching on the computer about these feelings. Something that she, a sociopath, should NOT be feeling. And she needs to get rid of them. Really soon.
Jecka’s gazing at the moon, her warm cheeks highlighted by it. She looks so calm, like everything is alright. Nicole admires it. A lot. She wishes she felt like that.
Nicole realizes she’s going down the path of staring-at-Jecka -until-she-notices, again, so she forces her eyes to her dirty shoelaces tied around her shoes.
Jecka’s just another girl. Another girl like Ari. Or Emily. Or Kelly. Or all of the other sluts who populate her school. Just like Ari, who Nicole uses to get what she wants. Nothing more, nothing less. Nicole shouldn’t give a shit about Jecka. Nicole doesn’t give a shit about Jecka. Okay, maybe a little bit. But it’s not like she wants her or anything. Nicole’s not invested in her, though. So she can just ask and it’ll be fine. It’ll be 100% fine.
“Have you ever… wanted to like, be with a girl?”
Jecka coughs, “Huh? That’s random.”
Nicole shrugs, “Just wondering.”
“I think you’re just bored. You probably actually had fun dating Ari, and now you miss it. The girl is obsessed with you. Just text her and you’ll have your plaything again.”
“No, I’m asking about you, bitch.”
“Oh. Seriously?”
“YES, seriously. Jesus fucking Christ.”
“Uhh, I don’t know. I guess. But like every girl has thought about it. It’s not unique or anything.”
“Well yeah, but I was wondering. Uhm.” Nicole sighs. “Nevermind.”
“Do you like, want to try it out with me?”
“I guess, well, I thought it would be cool. I don’t know, we’d get like hella popular. Like picture it. Everyone fawning over the sapphic couple of the hottest girls in school. Guys will go crazy. We’ll get free money and drugs forever.”
“That… does sound kinda nice.”
“So?”
“Ugh, Nicole. I’m not sure. I haven’t dated since sophomore year. It’ll look really weird if it just happened randomly.”
“But imagine what we’ll get…”
“I feel like you’ll just take it all for yourself.”
“I said it was a joint effort. If you want to back out, I’m totally fine getting everything on my own. With other ways.”
“You’re backing me into a corner, Nicole.”
“Yeah, that’s kinda what I do.”
“...Fuck. Whatever. Fine, I’ll do it. You win.”
Nicole smiles, she’s finally going to get rid of these feelings. Using manipulation, but as long as it works.
Jecka looks a little angry, is it that she doesn’t like this idea? Nicole thought it was awesome. She’s just being a pussy.
“We should.. Head inside now.” Jecka mumbles.
The two sneak past Jecka’s dad, who is sleeping and also probably drunk on the couch. Great.
Jecka stays mostly quiet the rest of the night, falling asleep only an hour later. Nicole wonders if this is even a good idea after all.
—------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So it wasn’t really a good idea. The whole school day has consisted of the blonde and the dark brunette acting as a really lesbian couple. It’s almost making Nicole sick. But the plan she told Jecka was working, they are getting a whole lot more attention and probably are going to get a whole lot more things. But Nicole’s feelings have almost doubled since then. Now she gets butterflies, and she thinks she might stab those little butterflies that are in her stomach right now.
And Ari seems really upset, but Nicole couldn’t give less of a shit what that sad puppy thought of it. Ari should really find some other girl who would agree to date her. Maybe on like Tumblr or something. God save her.
Emily didn’t seem to notice, but that’s expected given such an airhead she is. She’s always staring out into space, she probably didn’t even notice Jecka and Nicole’s hands intertwined. At least that’s one less person to not get pissed off by.
Nicole's mostly pissed at herself, though. Why did she think dating Jecka would stop her crush on her? Nicole can never take the easy way out. She always finds the path to the worst possible situation. So where will this take her? Lesbianland?
Jecka comes over to Nicole’s house after school, the two rushing to the dark brunette’s room.
“Told you it was a good idea.” Nicole says as she hangs up a sweater that was laying on her floor for weeks.
Jecka sighs, “Yeah. I guess it was.”
Nicole’s eyebrows arch, “What? Aren’t we getting what we wanted?”
“Of course, but it’s just, I don’t know.”
“Spit it out.”
“Well, it’s sad, how it’s not… real.”
Nicole whips around. “...You want this to be real?”
Jecka’s face gets red. Oh God, she’s actually blushing. Nicole laughs.
Jecka looks up, “I really shouldn’t have said that.” She buries her head in her hands.
“No, you’re just blushing like crazy. It’s fucking prissy.”
“How is it prissy?”
“Because you can just say you want to be my real girlfriend!”
Jecka’s eyes widen, “Well, I guess I’ll be direct then.”
Nicole’s face forms somewhat of a genuine smile, something she hasn’t done in a while.
“Okay, go on.”
“You’re seriously making me do this.”
“Yes, I am. Or I’ll just manipulate and gaslight you forever until you want me dead.”
She rolls her eyes, “Fine. Be my fucking girlfriend, Nicole.”
“Hm. I don’t know about this one. Risky.”
“I hate you so much.” Jecka stands up and shakes Nicole, playful anger in her eyes.
Nicole’s smile gets wider, “Alright, I guess I will.”
“Finally.” Jecka responds, and pushes Nicole. She laughs and then goes over to sit on her bed. They both stare at each other for what feels like a week.
“So.” Nicole says.
“So.” Jecka says.
“What do we do now?” Nicole replies.
“We can make out or something.”
“Ohh, we can save that for school. Ya know, piss a whole lot of people off.”
“Good idea.” They both smile, and scoot closer to each other.
“Uh, Nicole?”
“Yeah?”
“This means you actually have feelings for me, right?”
“Well, I guess you don’t make me want to drown in a pool of my own piss.”
“Wow, that’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me.”
“I’ve said nicer things.”
“When?”
“In my head.”
Jecka elbows Nicole. Nicole realizes, wow, that plan really did backfire. She was supposed to lose feelings for Jecka. Not learn of Jecka’s similar feelings for her. Now she’s just like Ari. Well, at least she’s not a pining lesbian. More of a sociopathic bisexual. That works.
She looks over at her new girlfriend and takes her hand, the blonde’s finger brushing against the cuts on Nicole’s left wrist. She’s probably not going to add more in a while. So that’s a plus.
The answer is, this isn’t the worst situation she thought of happening. Probably her inner conscious’s best situation. But that’s something she’s keeping locked away in her mind. It’s not like this changed her in some sort of way. She’s still an edgy attractive teenage drug addict, just with a preppy girlfriend. Maybe she’ll be nicer. Sounds pretty great.
Nicole looks around her room, still messy even though she picked up some clothes. Why are rooms like that? You clean them but they still stay fucking dirty. It seems Jecka notices too, because she says,
“Damn, your room’s messy.”
Nicole scratches her neck. “I think I’m aware of that.”
“Wanna clean it?”
“Wowww, first hour into a relationship and I’m already a housewife. Lesbians move fast.”
“No, I mean let’s clean it together.”
“Housewives, then.”
“We’re not married.”
“Housegirlfriends.”
“Shut up, please.”
Nicole smirks, and they both start picking up the shit on her floor.
It’s pretty bad, but Jecka doesn’t seem to mind. Nicole doesn’t know how, because she really does.
They meet in the middle of the room, which is dim because Nicole turned off the ceiling light. Clothes are piled in a lump on the floor.
Jecka brushes off her hands, “We did a good job.”
“Guess so.”
The two go silent, then Jecka blurts, “This is like, a really bad date.”
Nicole laughs, and grabs Jecka to get her closer to her. She holds her cheek in the palm of her hand. “C’mere, loser.”
Their lips meet each other, something that Nicole never thought would happen. But it finally happened. She guesses this means she’s never dodging these feelings. But maybe that’s okay…?
Jecka’s lips are soft against Nicole’s, a hundred percent better than the crusty dude lips that probably have leftover food encrusted on them that Nicole has reluctantly kissed. But Nicole isn’t kissing Jecka reluctantly. She wants to. And she’s wanted to for a while. She never pictured this is how she is going to end up, kissing a girl she met on the first day of her new school. But it’s not as bad as it could’ve been. And Nicole’s somewhat grateful, almost happy about it. Jecka releases from the kiss, and as Nicole stares into her deep brown eyes, she thinks,
Huh. Maybe I won’t kill myself by June.