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"Hold, hold on, hold onto me, 'Cause I'm a little unsteady." (Unsteady - Ambassador X)
"Well I hope you know how proud I am you were created, with the courage to unlearn all of their hatred." (Hope Ur ok - Olivia Rodrigo)
AGENT BRIGGS
It was lunchtime on a Saturday. I was sitting at the kitchen table with Sloane. She had a notebook in front of her, and I had a cup of coffee.
Apparently, we were having our first lesson.
"You said you wanted to know how we work out our percentages."
Sloane nodded, "I understand the basic concept."
"Of course you do."
She looked at me,"You don't believe me."
"I believe you."
"You don't."
I smiled, "You're a natural. I've learned not to underestimate you."
She looked down at the notebook.
"I don't understand why statistics are useful in the FBI."
"They're useful for almost everything."
"Like what?"
"Crime analysis."
She immediately looked interested, "How?"
I turned the notebook toward her. "Say we have a hundred cases."
She picked up her pen, "Okay."
"Twenty of them have the same characteristic."
"Twenty percent."
"Good."
"What if there are five hundred?"
"Then one hundred have the same characteristic."
She frowned, "Because twenty percent of five hundred is one hundred."
"Exactly."
She wrote it down, "That's easy."
"I know."
"You're making it too easy."
I laughed, "Fine. Let's make it harder."
She looked pleased. I drew another table. We worked through it for several minutes.
She was quick. Really quick.
"Okay," I said. "Let's say we have a sample of two hundred people."
She nodded.
"Thirty percent have characteristic A."
She wrote it down, "That's sixty people."
"Good, if twenty percent have characteristic B."
"Forty people," she nodded.
"So if twelve percent have both........."
Her pen stopped. I looked at her.
"Sloane?"
She wasn't looking at the notebook anymore. Her eyes were fixed somewhere beyond me.
"Sloane?"
She didn't answer. Her fingers tightened around the pen.
"Hey."
She dropped it and it hit the table. She flinched so badly that I immediately stopped talking.
"What's wrong?"
She shook her head, "Nothing."
Her breathing changed. Short. Shallow. Fast.
I stood up. She immediately looked frightened by the movement, so I sat back down.
"Okay."
She stared at me, "I can't."
"Can't what?"
"I can't do it."
"You don't have to."
She shook her head.
"I should know this stuff."
I glanced at the notebook. Everything was right. "You do know this stuff."
"I can't."
"You can."
Her eyes filled with tears, "They're wrong."
"What?"
"The numbers."
"They're not wrong."
"They are."
She pushed the notebook away, "I don't understand."
"You don't need to."
Her breathing became even faster, "I can't breathe."
I moved my chair back slightly.
"Okay."
She looked at me helplessly, and something about the look on her face made my chest hurt.
"I don't like this," she whispered.
"I know."
She put both hands against her chest, "I can't make it stop. I need it to stop."
"Look at me. You're having a panic attack."
She swallowed, "What do I do?"
"You stay with me."
"I can't."
"You can."
I held my hand out, "Can I touch you?"
She stared at my hand then nodded. I reached across the table slowly. She grabbed my hand. Hard. I didn't pull away.
"Good."
Her breathing was still frantic.
I thought for a second. In the FBI we all had training on what to do in these kinds of circumstances. I had more experience than most from dealing with Dean and Lia. I knew what I was supposed to do.
"Can I hug you?" I asked.
She nodded immediately. I stood slowly and moved around the table. She got up too, almost stumbling as she did. I caught her before she fell.
"Easy."
She wrapped her arms around me. I held her. One hand rested on her back. The other around her shoulders. She was shaking.
"I'm here."
She buried her face against my shoulder, "I don't understand."
"It's okay."
"I was doing it right."
"You were."
"Then why is this happening?"
"Because sometimes your brain gets scared even when nothing is wrong."
She stayed quiet. I rubbed her back slowly.
"You're safe."
Her breathing began to slow.
"You're safe."
Another breath. Slower this time.
"That's it."
Eventually the shaking stopped. Her breathing returned to normal. She didn't move. Neither did I.
After a while, she said quietly,
"I hate this."
"I know."
"I'm not normally like this."
I frowned. "It's okay even if you are."
She pulled back slightly.
"What does it mean? Why does a panic attack happen?"
"They mean you're scared."
She looked down, "I'm scared a lot."
"I know."
She hesitated, "Will that bother you? Will it hinder the program?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because you're still here."
She didn't understand.
"It happened sometimes with Dean and Lia aswell but look at them now. They're okay."
She nodded. "Okay. So I'll be fine?"
"Yes," I said, closing the books in front of us, "I promise you'll be fine."
That evening, I called a family meeting.
"Kitchen. Everyone. Now, please."
Lia appeared first, followed by Dean and Judd. They settled around the kitchen table, exchanging confused looks as I pulled out a chair.
"Is everything okay?" Lia asked.
"Yeah," I assured her. "Everything’s fine. I just need to talk to you about something."
They quieted down.
"It’s about Sloane."
"What happened?" Lia asked immediately.
"She had a panic attack earlier."
Dean straightened in his chair.
"A panic attack?" Lia repeated, her voice softer now. "Is she okay?"
"She’s okay. She’s upstairs right now."
"Was it bad?" Lia asked, looking worried.
"Pretty bad."
Dean nodded slowly. "What helped?"
"Physical contact."
Judd looked at me. "Like a hug?"
"Yeah," I looked around the table, making sure I had everyone's attention, "So if she asks to be hugged, hug her."
Lia nodded. “What if she doesn't ask?”
“Ask first.”
"Are we supposed to do the breathing thing? And the five things you can touch and see thing?" Lia asked.
"You can try that. It might work."
Dean nodded. "Anything else?"
"Don't bombard her. And make sure that if it happens, you don't panic yourselves. That'll make it worse. And don't make her feel embarrassed afterward."
There was a moment of silence as they took that in. Then Dean asked, "What triggered it?"
“I don't know,” I sighed. "We were doing some statistics, and it just happened."
Lia looked confused. "How?"
I shook my head. “We were working through a problem, and suddenly she was gone. She couldn't focus on what I was saying. She was struggling to breathe, and she couldn't seem to get herself out of it.”
Lia thought for a second. "That sounds really scary."
"Yeah." I rubbed a hand over my face. "It was horrible watching her and not knowing what was happening at first."
Judd's eyes stayed on me. "Did she tell you what she needed?"
"Not really. She wasn't in a state to explain anything. I had to figure out what was helping as we went."
Dean had his profiling face on. "Maybe it reminded her of something," he suggested.
"Maybe," I agreed. “Or maybe there wasn't a reason. Panic attacks don't always come with an obvious trigger."
"Should we go check on her?" Dean asked.
"Not right now. Let her come down when she's ready."
I leaned forward, resting my forearms on the table.
"I also want you to understand something. This is real and it's serious. She's not doing it for attention, and she can't just switch it off because someone tells her to calm down. When it happens, it's real for her. She's scared, even if she can't explain what she's scared of."
Nobody interrupted.
"And afterward, don't make a big deal out of it. Just be normal with her."
Dean nodded. "Got it."
Judd tilted his head. "And if she doesn't want to talk about it at all?"
"Then she doesn't have to."
"Fair enough."
Lia picked at the edge of her sleeve. "What if we say the wrong thing?"
"You probably will at some point," I said honestly. "We're not going to get everything right. If you're unsure what she needs, ask her. If it seems really bad you can call me. Or Judd."
Lia nodded slowly, she had a determined look on her face.
Judd leaned back in his chair. "Either way, we know what to do."
"Yeah."
I looked at all three of them, "Just to recap. If I'm not here?”
Dean answered immediately. "We stay."
Judd nodded. "We don't panic."
"And we ask before touching her," Lia added.
I let out a breath, some of the tension finally leaving my shoulders.
"I'm not going through all of this because I don't trust you. I'm telling you because I have a feeling this will happen again and I don't want any of you to be caught off guard. I don't want her to feel like she has to hide it from us."
Lia looked up at me. "She doesn't have to hide it. We understand what it's like."
I reached out and took Lia's hand in mine. " I know, you guys probably understand what she's going through more than me."
For a moment, none of us spoke. Then Dean pushed his chair back slightly.
"So basically we just act like ourselves around her?"
I smiled faintly. "Exactly. Be there for her."
Judd stood first, giving my shoulder a brief squeeze as he passed. I felt something in my chest loosen.
"Don't worry about us. We'll be fine. She's family now," he said gruffly. "We'll figure it out."