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"You're in the kitchen humming, all that you ever wanted from me was nothing." (Sweet nothing - Taylor swift)
AGENT BRIGGS
Sloane had another panic attack the following Thursday, when I wasn't home. I'd been called into work that morning, for a case. Sloane had been fine when I left. She'd even asked me what time I'd be back.
I'd smiled and said, "I'll see you later." Everything had seemed normal. Until around three.
Lia was in the living room watching television. Judd was in the kitchen preparing dinner, while Dean and Sloane were helping him set the table.
It was an ordinary afternoon, until Sloane dropped a plate. Her fingers slipped, the plate hit the kitchen floor and shattered. The sound was sharp and sudden. Sloane froze.
Judd immediately turned around, "Whoa. It's okay."
But she wasn't looking at him. She was staring at the broken pieces scattered across the floor. Her face had gone pale.
Dean noticed first, "Sloane?"
She didn't respond. Judd carefully stepped away from the broken shards.
"Guys, don't move, okay? There's stuff on the floor."
Sloane stared down at her hands. Her breathing was becoming quicker.
"It's okay," Judd repeated gently. "It was just a plate."
Sloane took a step backward, then another, her eyes fixed on the shards at her feet.
"I'm sorry."
Dean set the cutlery down. "You're fine. It's an accident."
"I'm sorry."
"Sloane..."
"I didn't mean to."
Lia, turned the television down, "Sloane?"
Sloane looked toward her. Her eyes were wide, "I didn't mean to break it."
Lia got up, "I know."
"I didn't...." Her breathing hitched. She pressed both hands against her chest, "I didn't mean to."
Judd's expression changed. He knew that look.
"Okay," he said quietly. "Dean, can you get the dustpan?"
Dean nodded and moved toward the cupboard.
"Sloane, sweetheart?"
Sloane shook her head, "I can't."
Judd stopped where he was,"Okay."
"I can't breathe."
"You can."
Lia gave him a look. "We're not supposed to tell her that," she whispered.
"Okay," he corrected "It feels like you can't breathe."
Sloane nodded desperately. Her breathing was becoming faster, each inhale shorter than the last.
"Judd, I broke it."
"I know, sweetheart. It's okay."
"No, it's not!"
The words came out louder than she'd intended. She flinched at her own voice. Then she started crying.
"I'm sorry."
Lia glanced at Dean, who had returned with the dustpan. He put it down well away from them.
"Sloane?"
She backed away from the kitchen.
Lia remembered the instructions. Don't tell her there's nothing to be scared of. Don't ask too many questions. Don't crowd her. She sat down on the living room floor, several feet between them.
"I'm staying here."
Sloane stared at her, "Why?"
"Because I want to."
Dean moved closer, but stopped a few feet away.
"Do you want us here?" He asked.
Sloane nodded quickly. Dean sat down beside Lia. Judd carefully stepped around the broken plate and followed them into the living room.
"Sloane?"
She looked at him. Her breathing was getting faster.
"I broke it."
Judd sat down in front of her "Yeah. You did."
Dean shot him a look. Judd quickly corrected himself, "And that's okay. Plates break."
Sloane shook her head, "I shouldn't have."
"It was an accident."
"I wasn't holding it properly." She pressed her hands against her chest again, "I can't breathe."
Judd's face softened, "Okay. We're right here."
Lia spoke quietly, "Do you want me to call Briggs?"
Sloane shook her head immediately, "No. He's at work."
"Okay."
Sloane looked relieved, although her breathing remained uneven.
Judd held his hand out, "Do you want my hand?"
She reached for it. He let her take it, allowing her to grip his fingers as tightly as she needed.
"Do you want a hug?"
She nodded.
Judd opened his arms. Sloane moved into them almost immediately, burying her face against his chest. He held her carefully, one hand resting against her back.
Lia stayed beside them,"You're safe."
Sloane shook her head against Judd's shoulder, "I broke it."
"I know," Judd murmured.
"They're going to be mad."
Dean frowned, "Who's going to be mad?"
"Briggs."
The room went quiet for a moment. Judd rubbed her back.
"Briggs isn't going to be mad at you for breaking a plate."
"You don't know that."
Dean's expression softened.
"Briggs once dropped five glasses because he tried stacking too many at once."
Lia looked at him, "That was different."
"How?"
"Because Briggs did it."
Dean stared at her, "Are you saying he's not allowed to make mistakes, but everyone else is?"
"And I once broke the TV" Lia said, completely ignoring Dean's question, "It was fine nothing happened."
"That was different," Judd said giving her a look. "You did that on purpose."
"She threw the remote at the screen whilst watching the traitors," Dean explained.
"The lies were so obvious and they still voted out the wrong people. I got triggered," Lia huffed, "And that's not how I broke it. The TV survived that murder attempt. It was a week later when it actually broke."
Judd thought for a second. "Oh I remember now, they were playing a video game and she threw the remote again because she was losing."
Lia scoffed. "I was not losing."
Sloane let out a tiny, shaky breath that almost sounded like a laugh.
Judd smiled, "There you go."
"Do you want to do the things Briggs taught us?", Dean asked.
Sloane nodded against Judd's shoulder.
"Okay," Dean said gently. "Five things you can see."
Sloane lifted her head slightly and looked around the room.
"The lamp. The TV remote. The window."
Sloane's eyes moved toward the kitchen entrance. She stiffened.
Judd noticed immediately. "The plate can wait," he said.
She looked back at him, "Okay"
Dean continued, "Two more things."
Sloane looked around the living room again.
"The plant and that book."
Dean smiled, "Good."
Lia spoke next, "Four things you can touch."
Sloane looked down, "My hoodie. The carpet," she looked at Judd, "His shirt."
The panic wasn't gone, but it was getting quieter.
Lia looked at her, "You're doing really well."
Sloane frowned, "You're not scared?"
Lia shook her head, "No."
Dean shrugged, "We know what to do."
Sloane stared at them, "How?"
Lia smiled, "Briggs taught us."
Something about that made Sloane relax slightly. She leaned back against Judd.
"That's good of him."
Judd rubbed her back, "He'll be home soon."
Sloane nodded, "I know."
They stayed like that for several minutes. Eventually, Sloane pulled away. Her eyes were still red, and she kept rubbing her palms against her sweatshirt.
"I'm sorry."
Lia immediately shook her head, "You didn't do anything bad."
Sloane looked toward the kitchen.
"We'll clean it up," Judd assured her.
"I should do it."
"Nope," Dean interrupted. "You shouldn't go anywhere near sharp stuff while you're still shaking."
"You're more important than a plate," Lia whispered.
Sloane stared at her. Lia suddenly looked uncomfortable.
"Don't make it weird," she said looking at the others.
Dean shook his head. "It's not weird. That may actually be the most sincere thing I've ever heard you say."
"This is you making it weird," Lia scowled.
Dean eventually cleaned up the broken plate while Judd and Lia stayed with Sloane. Nobody made a big deal of it.
I got home just before six. I opened the front door and called out "Anyone alive?"
"Unfortunately," Lia yelled.
I laughed, "Good."
I walked into the living room.
Sloane was sitting on the sofa with Judd beside her. Dean was on the other side and Lia was sitting on the floor. Sloane's shark was tucked underneath her arm.
I looked around, "What happened?"
Nobody answered immediately.
Sloane looked at me, "I had another one."
My chest tightened briefly then I realised. She looks fine. They all seem fine. It was all okay. They handled it.
"Are you okay?"
She nodded, "I'm okay now."
I crossed the room and crouched in front of her.
"What happened?" I asked.
Sloane hesitated, "I broke a plate."
I blinked, "A plate?"
She nodded, looking down at her hands, "It slipped and it smashed on the floor."
"Sloane it's okay. We have more plates. Besides, I've broken plenty of things in my time."
Sloane smiled. "Dean told me about the glasses."
I turned to look at Dean, who had suddenly started to study the carpet.
"Dean."
"What?"
"Traitor."
Dean shrugged. "I told her about the time Lia broke the TV as well. So it's even."
I sighed, "Don't remind me about that. It's a traumatic memory."
Lia snorted. Sloane let out a quiet laugh. I looked back at her, concerned.
"Are you feeling better?"
She nodded, "Yeah."
I glanced toward the others, "You seem to have handled it?"
Judd nodded, "Yeah."
Lia smirked, "Like professionals."
I rolled my eyes.
"Who helped you?" I asked Sloane.
She looked around the room, "All of them."
I smiled, "Good."
Sloane hesitated, then she held her arms out toward me. I didn't say anything as I crossed the remaining distance and hugged her. She held on tightly, burying her face against my shoulder.
"You did really well," I whispered.
"I was scared but they knew what to do."
I smiled "They did."
Sloane pulled back and looked up at me.
"You taught them."
"I did."
She looked toward the others, "They remembered what to do."
I nodded, "That's because they care about you."
"They stayed."
My chest tightened. I was positive that Sloane had experienced panic attacks before without properly knowing what they were. Maybe she'd been having them since before we met her. Maybe back then when she had a panic attack nobody had noticed. Maybe nobody had cared.
Judd reached over and ruffled Sloane's hair.
"You're stuck with us now. Like it or not."
I glanced at Dean and Lia. Both of them were watching us with varying degrees of very poorly disguised affection.
Two weeks ago I had been anxious about how Sloane would fit in here. Dean and Lia were a unit. They were different, they fought sometimes, they both knew things they shouldn't, and they had their own ghosts they were running away from. However now I felt relieved. I knew they cared about her and I could trust them to be there for her if she needed them.
And Sloane was definitely getting better. I could see it. She was learning, she was growing and she was safe.
I knew from experience that healing wasn't one big life changing moment. Sometimes it could look like a home full of broken and brilliant people who fought at the dinner table, occasionally threw things at the TV, and knew what to do when things went wrong.