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The fact that no one was injured on their team was a miracle. They had won, and a huge threat to the world’s safety was finally gone after so many years, but it was tough.
At one point during the fight, HYDRA even tried to take control back on Bucky, but Stark’s earbuds filtering Russian to not let the trigger words past his ears – or any other command for that matters – prevented the disaster.
The Avengers had hesitated to let him come fight HYDRA with them, precisely in case something like this would happen, but Bucky really wanted to be part of what would make HYDRA disappear for good. It’s Natasha advocating for him that eventually made them change their minds. A little later, she told him that she knew how it felt to feel powerless about one’s own life, so she understood the need to gain control again.
That’s why Stark came up with this earbuds idea. They were small enough to not be noticed, even if someone was a few inches away from Bucky’s ears. He even made them so that if Bucky was taken again, HYDRA agents wouldn’t be able to take them off, making it way harder to control him.
Steve wasn’t very fond of the idea that Bucky came with them to HYDRA’s secret headquarters, but he couldn’t really say anything about it, especially after a talk he had with Bruce about bodily autonomy. Bucky knew his boyfriend was worried but was grateful to not have to explain his reasons to him (he did try – and succeeded – to steal a kiss after Steve was done with his conversation with Bruce though).
Right now, Steve could see that Bucky was in distress but was holding it together for when they'll be in a safer place to break down. They were on their way to the tower anyway, so he let it be.
He was proved right when, as soon as he closed the door of their room in the Avengers Tower, Bucky slid his back against the wall and put his head between his knees, breathing heavily.
Steve put his stuff away and removed his shoes, giving his boyfriend a few seconds to himself. He was used to the kind of situation, after almost a year after getting Bucky back, though it has improved a lot. It used to be so much worse. Eventually, he learned how to deal with these moments. He went in the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water, that he drank in one go, before filling the glass back and coming back to his boyfriend.
“Want to tell me what’s going on?” he asked, handing him the glass of water.
Bucky shrugged, and then. “I know what we did today was right, I do. But I can’t help but feeling like I let them down- I can’t- I’m a soldier, I’m supposed to follow orders.”.
He took the glass, but didn’t drink, just held it in his right hand, shaking imperceptibly
“No, Bucky, hey- you’re not a solider”, Steve told him, crouching down to be at his level.
When Bucky tried to interrupt him, Steve rushed again, “you’re not anymore, anyway. And that’s what matters. You got out, you’re free now. You don’t have to obey them anymore.”
At that Bucky scoffed, “Free? With all these thoughts running through my head all the time? All the phantom pain on my arm, hell, even the real plain? That’s one way to put it.”
“You’re alive, Buck. And you’re not with them anymore. You will never be again. That’s also why we defeated them, yeah? They won’t hurt you, or anyone else ever again. And you’re making progress. I don’t expect you to be okay, I know it must be complicated for you. But you’re safe at least. It has to count for something right?”
“I guess” whispered Bucky.
And then. “I’m tired, can you keep watch in case I fall asleep?”
Steve nodded “Of course Bucky, anytime. Want to move to the couch?”
When his boyfriend nodded, Steve stood up and wrapped his arms around him to carry him to the couch. He sat down, letting Bucky put his head on his lap.
Bucky didn't fall asleep, just laid there, his breath too even and controlled to be natural. Steve pretended not to notice. Sometimes silence was the best thing you could offer to someone, he’ll try talking to Bucky again in the morning.