Work Text:
[The Ottawa Centaurs are scattered around their locker room after practice in various states of undress. The camera walks up to Coach Brandon Wiebe, a hand extending with a cup that holds multiple pieces of paper. Wiebe smiles at the camera and reaches in to pull out a slip, he looks at it, and then reads.]
Wiebe: Shake the hand of the player that is the baby of the team.
[Wiebe's smiles grows, his eyes traveling across the room as he begins to walk toward Luca Haas. He holds out his hand and Luca's already flushed face grows even more read as he reluctantly shakes his coach's hand back.]
Luca: Seriously, Coach? Not you, too. I'm almost twenty two for fuck's sake.
[Next to Luca, Zane Boodram grins and pats Luca on the back and Ilya Rozanov calls from nearby.]
Ilya: You are not old enough to say fuck until you can explain what it means!
[There's laughter throughout the room and Luca sighs, his shoulders drooping a bit as Wiebe looks at him apologetically.]
Wiebe: You might be the baby of the family, but that doesn't mean you're not great at what you do. You score lots of goals and you remind Ilya that he's supposed to act like an adult at least occasionally.
Shane: Trust me, that's a very important job.
Ilya: Yes, because Shane is so much older than me he makes me feel like a baby.
Shane: It's only thirty-six days, asshole.
[Ilya looks at the camera, and holds his hand up to block his mouth from Shane's sight.]
Ilya: You'll have to excuse him. He's gotten mean in his old age.
Luca: Shake hands with the player who's the social media managers favorite.
[Numerous catcalls go out in the room as Luca makes his way towards Troy Barrett who appears to be snacking on a cake pop that was left in his stall. Luca holds out his hand and Troy shakes it as he chews.]
Troy: I don't know what you're talking about. He posts way more shit about Shane and Ilya.
Ilya: Hello. Because it's me. And Shane is married to me. Of course we're on there more.
Shane: Hey, did you ever consider it's because you're married to me?
Ilya: No.
[Ilya bats his eyelashes innocently at Shane while Shane rolls his eyes and pushes at Ilya's bare arm.]
Wyatt: Like that's the only way you could be his favorite.
Zane: And I'm sure that cake pop you're eating just magically appeared in your stall and no one else's then?
[Troy throws the empty stick behind him where it bounces off his shoulder pads and then hits him in the head back of the head.]
Troy: I don't know what you're talking about.
[The camera flips around to show an amused Harris Drover, who quietly mouths, 'I bought it for him, he's my favorite' before the camera flips back to show Troy with a lovestruck expression on his face.]
Troy: Okay, maybe I do know what you're talking about.
Troy: Shake hands with the player who motivates everyone.
[Troy walks the few steps toward Zane Boodram and holds out his hand while everyone claps with Ilya being the loudest as he cheers over the noise. They shake hands before Zane tugs on Troy's arm and pulls him in for a quick hug.]
Zane: I always knew you had good taste from that first night when you ate my jerk chicken and your eyes only watered a little bit.
Zane: Shake hands with the player you trust the most when the opposing team is on a power play.
[Zane turns to his left where Wyatt Hayes pulls off his leg pads. Zane holds out his hand and Wyatt looks a little surprised before he accepts Zane's hand and smiles at him.]
Wyatt: Thanks, Bood, that means a lot.
Zane: With how you've been playing, the choice is obvious, my friend.
Shane: He's not wrong. Your save percentage is .941, I would choose you, too.
[Numerous heads swivel towards Shane, who looks around, apparently surprised by the attention while Ilya smiles at him fondly.]
Shane: What?
Wyatt: You know my save percentage?
Shane: Of course I do. You're the best in the league.
Wyatt: Wow, I'm feeling a lot of things today. Thanks, Hollander.
Troy: Do you know my stats?
Shane: No.
[Ilya nudges Troy with his elbow, a smug grin on his face as he wiggles his eyebrows.]
Ilya: He knows all of mine.
Shane: Yeah, only so I can make sure I beat them.
[Ilya's head turns toward Shane, his grin going soft, and Shane's face echoes the smile back brilliantly.]
Ilya: I'm sure that is the only reason.
Shane: Yep. That and nothing more.
[Zane laughs as he pulls a clean t-shirt over his head.]
Zane: And to think the league was worried they'd lose your rivalry with you too being together.
[Ilya leans toward Shane and kisses the spot behind his ear, causing Shane to scrunch up his shoulder at the ticklish contact as he laughs lightly.]
Ilya: Yes, we really showed them, didn't we?
Shane: We really did.
Wyatt: Shake hands with the loudest player.
[Wyatt walks toward Evan Dykstra, shaking his hand when he reaches him while Evan face carries a look of mock offense.]
Evan: Is this because of my music choices?
[The entire room erupts in a chorus of 'yes,' and Evan's expression turns into exaggerated shock. He shakes his head.]
Evan: Goddamn, you think you work at an accepting place, but they draw the line at the sound of angels from heaven.
Ilya: Satan was an angel too, you know.
[Evan pauses to consider this before he eventually shrugs and nods.]
Evan: You know what? Fair point.
Evan: Shake hands with the player who is most likely to miss a shot on an open goal. [He puts his hands down and looks wide-eyed into the camera.] Damn, Harris, this might be the meanest thing you've ever made one of us do.
[The camera flips around to show an apologetic Harris. He makes a cringing face as his free hand scratches at the back of his neck.]
Harris: Sorry. Put a little too much trust in the intern.
[He turns the camera back to Evan who sighs and walks a few paces toward Tanner Dillon.]
Evan: Tanner, I love you, and I swear I'm only doing this because so many other people have already gone. [He pauses and takes a deep breath while he holds out his hand, saying in a rush] And because you did miss that shot on an open goal last season that cost us the game.
[Tanner smiles and takes Evan's hand, clear that there's no hard feelings.]
Tanner: Listen, man, with as stacked as this team is, I'm just glad I haven't been traded away yet.
[Ilya who is sitting close to the camera in his stall leans over to Shane and whispers, 'it does defy a certain logic,' which causes Shane to snort. Evan and Tanner look at him and he quickly fixes his face into something more neutral.]
Shane: Sorry, just got a little choked on something. We're all super glad you're here, Tanner.
Ilya: Super, super glad.
Tanner: Shake the hand of the nicest player on the team.
[He looks up from the paper and straight to Ilya, who immediately holds up his hand in defense of Tanner's approach.]
Ilya: Dillon, don't you dare come near me.
[Tanner doesn't listen, walking to Ilya and holding out his hand.]
Tanner: But it's true, Roz.
Ilya: It is not, I would trade you away in a heartbeat, tell him, Shane.
[Ilya grabs Shane and places him between himself and Tanner, using Shane as a shield from Tanner's hand. Shane doesn't protest, just lets out a huff of air, his face a strange mix of exasperated and fond.]
Shane: It's true though. You're the kindest person I've ever met.
Ilya: You just called me an asshole five minutes ago.
Shane: Because you were being an asshole.
Ilya: These two things cannot exist together. I am the world's biggest asshole. My whole reputation is riding on this.
Shane: Trust me, they can exist together. And I think your asshole reputation was ruined quite a few years ago with that shirtless dog calender you did with shelter puppies.
Ilya: A moment of perfect weakness that you still hold against me. I need you to back away, Dillon.
[Shane reaches behind him and grabs Ilya's arm, bringing his hand forward and into the still outstretched hand of Tanner Dillon, who takes it and shakes it with a bright smile.]
Ilya: I am ruined.
Shane: Are you sure that slip didn't say 'most dramatic' player on the team? Because that would have worked, too.
[Tanner drops Ilya's hand and Ilya leans forward, placing his chin on Shane's shoulder as Shane leans back against him.]
Ilya: I am a man of many layers.
[Ilya, now extracted from Shane, plucks a piece of paper from the cup, his eyes reading over the words as a grin curls at the corners of his mouth. He clears his throat dramatically just before he 'reads' aloud.]
Ilya: Shake the hand of the player who is the most beautiful, freckled hockey player who steals your clothes and makes you eat healthy things like avocados on things that aren't tacos and just so happens to also be the absolute love of your life.
[The camera moves to show Shane, his head is slightly tilted to the side as he watches Ilya, a knowing and sweet smile on his face.]
Shane: It definitely doesn't say that.
Ilya: Yes, it does, it's right here.
[Ilya waves the paper in Shane's face, and when Shane tries to come closer to grab it, Ilya moves it quickly away holding it out Shane's reach, angling his head to capture Shane's mouth in a deep kiss that has the room in instant cat calls and whoops. Troy snatches the paper out of Ilya's hand, an easy feat in Ilya's distracted state. He looks over the paper and then looks at the camera, walking closer and holding up the slip to the lens, so the words are clearly visible. 'Shake the hand of the best player on the team.']
@centaurshockey Come shake the hands of all our players tomorrow at FanFest at the Canadian Tire Centre!
Posted September 15th at 2:21 PM
***
@censbin thank god it's hockey season again.
@hockeywhore Another season, another Hollanov kissing video. All is right with the world.
@theblacknred hey @ilyarozanov81 whose hand would you have shaken if you'd really answered the question?
@ilyarozanov81 @theblacknred my answer would have been the same ❤️
@realshanehollander @ilyarozanov81 love you. Also @harrisdrover95 do I need to apologize for this? It was pretty tame as things go…
@evandykstra @theblacknred @ilyarozanov81 he's only saying that because he wasn't allowed to shake his own hand.
@ilyarozanov81 @evandykstra 😘😘
@harrisdrover95 @realshanehollander I mean, a few coffee apologies never hurt anyone.
@realshanehollander consider it done
@ilyarozanov81 @harrisdrover95 nooooo! don't trust him!! he will put oat milk in your coffee and no sweeteners!!!!!!!!!!
@censfan4lyfe there's no world where Shane Hollander doesn't know the stats of every single man in that room
@troybarretthockey @censfan4lyfe You really think so?
@tannerdillonottawa this was so fun! do you guys have any idea why I have a missed call from my agent and the GM?