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Quiet Is How You Stay Alive

Summary:

Matt Murdock walks into a warehouse full of broken men and knows exactly who to blame. He's halfway through yelling at Frank Castle when he finds out Frank just got there. The real culprit is upstairs on the catwalk, hyperventilating, and the noise won't stop.

Yet another prompt from the great @empty.junior on Instagram (guys just follow her she's great)

Notes:

panic attack, sensory overload, a violent aftermath (non-graphic), and a kid who is not okay.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Matt Murdock smelled it from the street.

Copper first, thick enough to taste. Then the sour undertone beneath it, the body's own chemistry spilling out in places it was never meant to go. Then fear, old fear, the kind that had soaked into concrete and stayed there after the people who felt it were gone.

The warehouse sat on the edge of the docks, a dead tooth in a row of dead teeth. The tip had been simple: a trafficking ring moving product through Hell's Kitchen, eight to ten men, armed. Matt had come to stop it.

He went in through the roof hatch, dropped to the catwalk, and listened.

Nothing. No voices. No weapons being cocked. No frightened breathing from behind a crate.

Heartbeats, though. Faint ones. Slow, stuttering, scattered across the floor below like dropped coins. Eight of them. All of them going the wrong way.

Matt came down the stairs faster than he should have.

The first man lay against a pallet with his jaw rotated at an angle jaws do not rotate.

 The second was folded around a steel support beam, one arm bent in a place with no joint. The third had been thrown, not hit, thrown, hard enough to leave a dent in the corrugated wall at a height Matt had to tilt his head to judge.

He moved through them with his hands out, counting pulses. A rib cage that crackled like cellophane. A man breathing wetly through something that should not have been broken. Another, whose heart was fluttering so badly Matt knew he had minutes.

All of them were alive. None of them were safe.

And the violence had a signature. It was not clean. It was not efficient. It was something that had kept going long after there was any reason to.

Matt stood in the middle of it, shaking with a cold, controlled fury he hadn't felt in months, and heard the boots at the door.

He knew the stride. He knew the weight. He knew the slow, patient rhythm of a heart that had stopped getting frightened a long time ago.

“Castle.”

“Murdock.”

“Look at this.” Matt turned, and his voice came out harder than he meant it to. “Eight men. Eight. One of them is going to die in the next ten minutes if I don't get him to a hospital, and you stand there like it's a Tuesday.”

“I just walked in.”

“Don't.” Matt crossed the floor in four strides. “Don't do that. I told you. I told you, we have a line, and you can say whatever you want about what these men are, but this is—this is a massacre, Frank, this isn't justice, this is—”

“Matt.”

“—a man with his jaw hanging off, that's not punishment, that's—”

“Matt.”

Something in the voice stopped him. Not volume. Frank wasn't loud. It was the flatness of it, the flatness of a man reading back a casualty report.

“I've been here ninety seconds,” said Frank Castle. “I came in through the east door. I haven't fired. I haven't touched anyone. Listen to my heart.”

Matt listened.

Steady. Seventy-one beats a minute. No stutter. No lift. No lie.

The anger in his chest did not go out. It simply had nowhere to go. It hung there, a fist with no target.

“You didn't do this,” said Matt.

“No.” Frank walked past him, slowly, and crouched beside the man folded around the beam. He examined the arm without touching it. “And I'd know. If I'd done this, they'd be dead. Cleaner. This is...” He stopped. Matt heard him turn his head, the small click of a neck that had been through a lot. “Look at the wall.”

“I can't see it, Frank.”

“It's webbing.”

Matt's stomach went cold.

He crossed to the wall and put his fingertips to the dent in the corrugated steel. Beneath the dent was a pattern of strands, white, sticky, torn apart. Not cut. Ripped, as if whoever had thrown the man had been fighting their own hands.

“There's a lot of it,” said Frank quietly. “On the ceiling. On the crates. He tried to tie them up. Then he didn't.”

The kid.

Matt knew Spider-Man. Not well, but enough. A kid with a joke for every bad moment and a hand held out to everyone he pulled out of a fire. A kid who apologized to muggers.

He did not know a Spider-Man who could do this.


It was Frank who heard it first, which Matt would turn over in his head for weeks afterward. Frank, who had no enhanced senses, who had no power of any kind. Just thirty years of listening for the one sound in a room that didn't belong.

“Catwalk,” said Frank. “North side.”

Matt had already heard it. He had simply been refusing to.

A heartbeat, high above them. Not stuttering. Racing. A hundred and ninety, two hundred, a rhythm so fast it blurred into a hum. And under it, a breath, short, sharp, catching on every inhale like it was being dragged over glass.

Someone was hyperventilating up there. Someone was trying very hard not to make noise while doing it.

“Let me,” Matt said.

“He's armed?”

“He's Peter,” said Matt, and found, saying it, that he'd known all along. “I think it's Peter.”

Frank was silent for a moment. “The kid.”

“Yeah.”

“The kid did this.”

“Don't,” said Matt, very quietly. “Don't say it like that. Not yet.”

He went up the stairs alone.

The catwalk was cold and slick with something that wasn't water. 

At the far end, in the corner where two rails met, someone was folded into the smallest shape a person could make. Knees pulled up. Arms wrapped over their head. Matt could smell the suit, fabric, sweat, blood that wasn't the wearer's.

The rail beside him was bent. Not broken. Crushed, a long, deep groove where fingers had been, the metal pinched flat like paper.

“Peter,” Matt said.

The heartbeat spiked.

“Peter. It's Daredevil. It's Matt. I'm not going to hurt you.”

A sound. Not words. A broken, animal sound, the kind that comes from a throat that's forgotten how to make language.

Then: “Don't.”

“Okay.”

“Don't come closer. Please. Please don't. I can't—I can't—” The words fractured. “I can't turn it off.”

Matt stopped where he was, ten feet away, and slowly lowered himself to sit on the grated floor. He kept his hands where Peter could hear them, open, on his knees.

“Turn what off?”

“All of it.” Peter's voice was ragged, raw, pitched somewhere between a whisper and a scream. “It's all too loud. Everything's so loud, I can hear the building, I can hear the wires, I can hear everybody's heart, I can hear yours, it's so fast, why is it so fast, and my—my spider-sense won't stop, it just won't stop, it's been going for three days, it just goes and goes and goes, and I can't sleep, and I—I—”

He made a sound that might have been laughter.

“I think I broke somebody's jaw.”

“I know.”

“I didn't mean to. I swear to God I didn't mean to. I was just trying to web them up and they were shooting and it was so loud, and then I just—everything went white, and I couldn't feel my hands, and I—” His voice cracked. “I didn't stop. I didn't stop, Daredevil. I heard them stop making noise and I didn't stop.”

Matt felt something shift in his chest, a slow, terrible understanding.

He wasn't attacking them. He was trying to make the noise stop.

“Peter. Listen to me.” Matt kept his voice low, level, the voice he'd use with a witness who was one breath from running. “I want you to do something for me. I want you to listen to my voice. Not the building. Not the wires. Just my voice.”

“I can't.”

“You can. It's just one sound. One. Pick one thing and hold onto it. My voice is a good one. It's boring.”

A wet, shaking breath. Almost a laugh.

“That's it. Good. Now, I want you to count. Out loud. Not fast. Just one number at a time.”

“One,” Peter whispered.

“Good.”

“Two.”

Matt counted with him. Not fast. He let his own pulse slow, deliberately, the way he'd learned to when the world got too loud for him as a kid, in a hospital bed with chemicals in his eyes and every sound in the universe rushing at him at once. He let the rhythm of his own heart become a thing Peter could follow.

At eleven, the racing started to slow.

At nineteen, the breathing began to even out.

At twenty-three, Peter said, in a very small voice, “I'm so sorry.”

“I know, kid.” Matt waited. “Can I come closer?”

A long pause.

“I might hurt you.”

“I'll risk it.”

He didn't hurt Matt. Not on purpose.

But when Matt crossed the last few feet and put a hand on Peter's shoulder, Peter's own hand shot up and clamped around Matt's wrist, and for a second the world narrowed to a hot, white spike of pain.

Bones grated against each other. Matt felt the tendons strain.

Then Peter let go, as if he'd been burned, and scrambled backward into the corner with a cry.

“No no no no no—I'm sorry, I'm sorry, oh my God, I'm so—”

“It's okay.”

“It's not—I hurt you—”

“It's just a bruise.” Matt flexed his fingers. They hurt. Nothing was broken. “It's just a bruise, Peter. It's fine. You let go. You let go fast.”

Peter was sobbing now, the kind of ragged, exhausted weeping that comes after days of holding a sound inside. The mask was rucked up above his nose. Matt could smell salt and the sour tang of a body that had been awake far too long.

“I can't control it,” Peter whispered. “It used to be easy. I used to just know how hard to hold things. And now I pick up a glass and it breaks, and I touch a door and it comes off, and I'm so scared, I'm so scared all the time, and nobody—nobody can know, because if anyone finds out I'm going to—”

He broke off.

“Nine days,” he said. “I haven't slept in nine days. I close my eyes and I can hear everything.”

“Okay,” said Matt softly. “Okay.”

He'd heard enough lies to know when a story was missing pieces. There was more. A job lost, a friend not answering, something at home, something nobody had been told. A kid carrying too much for too long, until the thing that had always been a gift stopped being one.

But that was for later. Not on a catwalk in a room full of broken men.

“Matt.”

The voice came from the bottom of the stairs. Frank, low and level.

“The one by the door,” said Frank. “He's got maybe five minutes.”

Peter went rigid.

“I'll call it in,” said Matt. “Anonymous. I'm going to do that right now.”

“Is he—” Peter's voice shook. “Did I—did I kill—”

“No.” Matt said it fast and firm. “No. You didn't. Every one of them is alive. They're going to be hospitalized. Some of them for a long time. But they're alive, and they're going to stay that way, because I'm calling it in right now.”

Peter let out a breath that sounded like his whole body coming apart.

Here is a thing that did not happen often in the history of Hell's Kitchen: Frank Castle stood in a warehouse full of wounded criminals and made no move to finish the job.

Matt came down the stairs with Peter leaning on him, the kid's weight a dead, shaking pull on his shoulder, and found Frank crouched by the man near the door with two fingers pressed to the man's neck.

“Thready,” said Frank. “Probably a punctured lung. He needs a chest tube.”

“I'm calling it in.”

“I already did.”

Matt paused. “You did.”

“Burner. Told them there's a gas leak and a shooting. Four minutes out.” Frank didn't look up. “Ambulance gets here, they find eight men, a lot of webbing, a lot of questions. The webbing's going to be a problem.”

“Frank.”

“Hm.”

“Thank you.”

“Don't.” Frank stood. His eyes went to Peter, to the shaking shoulders, to the hands that kept clenching and unclenching like they belonged to someone else. For a second something moved across his face that Matt could not see but could hear, a catch in the breath, a slight tightening of the heart.

“Hey, kid,” said Frank.

Peter flinched.

“I'm not gonna hurt you.”

“I'm not—I don't want to hurt you.” Peter's voice cracked. “I can't—I don't know what I'll do—”

“Yeah,” said Frank. “I know.”

He didn't move closer. He stood where he was, hands loose at his sides, and said, in the dry, flat voice of a man who had never in his life been comfortable with comfort:

“I know what it's like when you lose it. When you look down and your hands are doing something and you're not the one doing it.”

Silence.

“It's the worst feeling there is,” said Frank. “You think it means you're a monster.”

“I hurt them.”

“Yeah.” Frank didn't flinch. “You did. And that's real, and you're gonna have to carry it. But here's the difference between you and me, kid.”

Peter looked up.

“You stopped.”

Matt felt the kid's whole body go still against him.

“You stopped,” said Frank, “because somewhere under all that noise, you didn't want to be doing it. You were scared. You were sorry. Do you know how many guys I've seen who weren't sorry? You're not what I am. You're a kid who's had too much for too long and nobody noticed.”

Peter made a small, broken sound.

“Now come on,” said Frank. “Sirens in two minutes. We're gone before they get here.”


Hell's Kitchen, 3 A.M.

They got him to Matt's apartment by the rooftops, a slow, awful route with Peter leaning on one of them at every jump, shuddering every time a car horn went off six blocks away. At one point he crouched on a ledge with his hands over his ears and said “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” to no one, and Frank, who did not do this sort of thing, sat down beside him and said nothing at all for five full minutes.

Matt's place was dark and quiet. Matt had made it that way on purpose, long ago, when he'd learned what a room full of noise could do. Heavy curtains. Soft rugs. A fan in the corner producing a steady, even hum.

He put Peter on the couch with a blanket. He put a glass of water in his hands, and when the glass cracked he took it back and put a plastic one there instead, without comment.

Peter was asleep in eleven minutes.

He slept like someone who had finally been told it was allowed. One hand curled in the blanket. Face slack. The heartbeat, now, was slow and even and young.

Matt sat in the armchair across from him for a long time.

Frank was leaning in the kitchen doorway. He had not been invited in. He had not left.

“I yelled at you,” said Matt.

“Yeah.”

“I was wrong.”

“About the guy,” said Frank. “Not about the rest.”

Matt almost smiled. “That's generous.”

“I'm not a generous man.” Frank was silent for a moment. “I'd have done it, you know. If I'd got there first and found those men. I'd have killed them and gone home. I'm not saying that to make a point.”

“I know.”

“The difference is,” said Frank, and stopped. He seemed to be choosing words. “Nobody ever sat down next to me on a ledge.”

Matt turned his head.

Frank shrugged. “Just saying.”

The fan hummed. Somewhere across the city a siren wound up and faded. On the couch, Peter Parker breathed in, and out, and in.

“We tell the Avengers?” said Frank.

“That's his to tell.” Matt's voice was quiet. “Not ours.”

“He's a kid.”

“He's a kid who needs help. And a doctor, and a friend who isn't wearing a mask, and about two weeks of sleep.” Matt let out a breath. “But he's not going to ask for it. Not if he thinks he's a danger.”

“So we make sure he doesn't think that.”

Matt tilted his head.

“Don't look at me like that,” said Frank. “I can say a thing.”

“I didn't say anything.”

“You were thinking it loud.”


 Morning

Peter woke at noon, to light through heavy curtains and the smell of coffee.

He lay very still for a long moment, listening to the world. It was loud. Not as loud as it had been. A distant, patient hum, rather than a roar.

He sat up slowly.

Matt was at the kitchen table, in a shirt and tie, reading a braille file with one finger. Frank was in the corner, leaning on the wall, eating cold pizza out of a box.

“Morning,” said Matt.

“Morning,” Peter croaked.

“Coffee's on the counter.”

Peter stood. His legs shook. He crossed the room and reached for the mug with a hand he held out very carefully, like a man picking up a bomb.

The handle came off in his fingers.

He froze.

Frank didn't look up from his pizza. “Pick another one,” he said. “There's a whole cabinet.”

“I—”

“Matt's got a lot of mugs.”

“I do,” Matt agreed. “I buy them in bulk, actually. For reasons.”

Peter stared at the broken handle in his palm. His eyes burned. For a second he thought he was going to start crying again, and he held very still, braced for the old panic, the roar, the white.

It didn't come.

It wasn't gone. He could feel it, out there somewhere, a tide that would rise again. But for the moment, there was just a quiet apartment, and a man who couldn't see him, and a man who'd decided not to look.

“Am I—” He swallowed. “Are they going to—the guys. At the warehouse.”

“All eight are alive,” said Matt. “Two in surgery last night. The one by the door is stable.”

Peter nodded slowly.

“You're going to carry that,” said Matt gently. “And you should. But you're also going to learn to hold it without letting it crush you.” He folded the file. “That's going to take a little while. And you're going to need help.”

“I don't—I can't tell Mr. Stark. I can't tell anyone. They'll—”

“You don't have to tell anyone today.”

“But—”

“Today,” said Matt, “you drink coffee out of a mug that won't break. Tomorrow, we talk to a doctor I know who doesn't ask questions. The day after that, you tell someone you trust, in your own time, in your own words.” He paused. “Not alone, though. Not again.”

Peter looked at him. At the sunglasses. At the blank, gentle face, which was turned in his direction with an attention more complete than any pair of eyes.

He looked at Frank, who had paused with a slice halfway to his mouth, and was very carefully looking at the ceiling.

“Why are you doing this?” Peter whispered.

Frank chewed. Swallowed. Said, to the ceiling:

“Because nobody sat down next to me.”

The room was very quiet.

“Drink your coffee,” said Frank.

Peter found a second mug in the cabinet. He picked it up in both hands, slowly, the way you'd hold a bird. It was heavy and warm, and for a long moment it stayed whole.

He lifted it to his lips.

Outside, the city went on, loud and endless and alive. Somewhere across it, a siren faded. Somewhere a door slammed. A thousand heartbeats, a thousand footsteps, the whole noisy machinery of a place that never slept.

And for the first time in nine days, Peter Parker listened to all of it, and did not break.

Notes:

Thank you for reading!

"Nobody sat down next to me" is the line the whole fic was built around.

Kudos and comments feed me, especially if you have thoughts on Frank and Matt's dynamic. If this hit close to home, please reach out to someone you trust. You don't have to carry it alone, either.