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When he was little, he danced. Realistically, even in his 10 year old mind, he knew it wasn’t the ideal task for a young man to do. His dad wanted him to play sports or join high clubs, always urging him to hang out with the other boys his age. Eddie never wanted to though. Both of his older sisters did ballet and he wanted to be just like them. His parents could only tell him ‘no’ so many times before they all got irritated with the constant persistence and eventually caved in to putting him in ballroom dancing.
He had loved ballroom dancing. It was so freeing from all the other stress going on in his life. He didn’t have to focus on a single thing besides the music and the rhythm of his limbs moving. Dancing was his freedom. It felt like the only place he could breathe in his life. Every movement was second nature to him.
He assumed his parents figured he would get tired of the whole thing pretty quickly, but he didn’t. He continued to dance well into his teenage years. Once it was clear he wasn’t going to quit, his parents finally let up on the constant nagging towards sports. His dad always complained about dancing not being manly enough. Eddie never really understood why he felt that way, but now, looking back on it, he understood what his dad was really saying.
Alas, once his parents figured out he was pretty good at that whole ballroom dancing business, they began signing him up for competitions. It was fun at first. He could show off his talent to others and be around people who share his passion for the activity. He made one of his very best friends through competition. His dance partner, Emily, was his closest childhood friend. She danced with him competition after competition. They moved like they weren’t meant to be together. Part of Eddie suspected that’s where both of their parents had believed this partnership to be going. Eddie never considered Emily as anything more than a friend though. Sure, she was pretty and kind, but she was simply just his best friend, and she felt the same way about him.
Throughout his time dancing, his parents took him to church every single Sunday. He took communion and participated in mass whenever he had the chance back then. Eddie hated church growing up. He woke up early every single day for school already, why would he want to wake up again on a Sunday for church? It didn’t help that he found the lessons boring and unrealistic. He used to claim dance practice was early Sunday morning in order to get out of church. That only worked a couple of times.
As he grew into his later teens, his parents began draining the fun out of every dance competition. It was always about the trophy. It didn’t matter how he competed or how hard he worked every day. It was only about the end result that was nothing more than a miniature fake golden statue. Somewhere around the year he was 16, he began getting physically sick before competitions. He was so stressed about doing well that night that he would lock himself in the school’s bathrooms, willing himself not to vomit due to the knot of anxiety in his stomach. He only endured that for so long before he quit.
His mom had been shocked, and quite disappointed. She loved bragging to her friends about how talented their son was in ballroom dancing, and now she had nothing more to brag about. When she asked him why he quit, he told her it was because it wasn’t fun anymore. He didn’t mention the fits of anxiety, panic, and the days spent huddled over the toilets at school. His dad had tried to act disappointed, but even at 17, Eddie could tell the man was pleased by the decision. He had never wanted his only son to be a dancer, so Eddie quitting ballroom dancing was exactly what he wanted. If he wasn’t going to get a football player out of a son, he at least wanted one to be proud of.
Part of Eddie wonders if his dad felt bad about all the weight and stress he put on his son's shoulders from such a young age. Encouraging him to step up and be the ‘man of the house’ before he knew how to ride a bicycle. He wonders if his childhood would have been different if he had just sucked it up and played football. Fallen right into the act that his father wanted of him. Maybe things wouldn’t have gone the way they did with Shannon. Maybe he wouldn’t have enlisted.
Realistically, Eddie wouldn’t change a single thing that led him to having his beautiful son in his life. Chris was his sunshine in the dark. He was Eddie’s reason for getting up every morning for the longest time. He regrets not being there for Chris’ early childhood, but he couldn’t change that now. Not that the boy even remembered.
He hadn’t even been ready to be a husband at the time, let alone a father. The only reason he married Shannon was because he had gotten her pregnant. She was just supposed to be one of his good friends and one night of stupidity was all it took to nuke his entire life. He remembers being 18, not even in college yet, sobbing on the floor of his bathroom as Shannon called him. He had wanted to go to college. He had wanted to explore the world and find himself. Then suddenly, he was hardly an adult now half responsible for a human life. He stopped going to Church every Sunday. All the place did was remind him of how he had failed to uphold the Lord's gospel. He did his best to make things right. He married the mother of his child and he tried to provide support by enlisting in the army.
Shortly after Chris was born, Eddie enlisted again. He couldn’t handle it. He wasn’t ready to be a father. He was too scared, so he ran. He remembers Shannon’s parents screaming at him, telling him he ruined their daughter’s perfect life. He remembers throwing out college acceptance letters to places he had worked so hard to get into because it simply wasn’t an option anymore. Everything he had wanted to do with his life was suddenly destroyed.
He knows his entire thought process was selfish. He was too close minded at the time to even think about what Shannon was going through. Whatever he was facing, it was 100 times worse for her. She was the one carrying the child at only 19. She was the one raising their son while her husband was overseas.
He served for years. Earned his silver star. Was left with his son. Packed his entire life up and moved to Los Angeles. Joined the firefighter academy. Watched his ex-wife die in front of his eyes. Gotten shot. And here he was.
After all those years, here he was, back in a Catholic church.
The church had always left him with this sinking feeling of dread and fear. The worry that he was doing something wrong in every single moment. The old wooden smell brought him back to the places in his childhood that he wanted to leave far behind him. Each painting and golden trim felt like a million eyes watching and judging him, analyzing his every move and breaking him down into pieces. He didn’t find peace in the church like Bobby did. The place was heavy for him. It left him feeling as if thousands of pounds of molasses were pulling him into the floor and suffocating him.
Still, here he was, sitting in a confession booth with a priest beside him just waiting for him to speak. Eddie couldn’t see the man. The fact that the man couldn’t see him was his only saving grace.
“Forgive me father for I have sinned.” The words fell from his mouth like a broken record, dusted off and replayed. He didn’t know why he was here. Well. He did know why he was here. It wasn’t because of the guilt he carried from Shannon. There was no amount of begging for salvation that could ever make him forgive himself for what he did to her. It wasn’t about the fighting phase, or the hate he spewed through the lawsuit. It wasn’t about the panic attacks or the anxiety of leaving Ana.
It was Buck. His Buck. The Buck that had pulled him underneath a firetruck in order to save his life after he was shot. The Buck who kept his blood in his body. The man who had helped him raise his son. The man that had been there for every single major event in his life since he moved to LA. His everything.
Buck was his everything and that is exactly why he was here.
“What are you here to confess?” The priest asked him. It all seemed just too straight forward. He wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to admit what he feared to himself or anyone else in the world. Yet, every time he looked at Buck, he felt all the things he was supposed to feel for Shannon.
Love. Lust. Passion. Every single emotion he has forced himself to feel for a woman ever since he was born. It never quite was enough. Then he met Buck and somehow it all came so easy. The man had everything to love. His smile. His voice. His humor. His laugh. His eyes. His personality. His fire. Eddie had zero doubt that Buck would defend anybody he was close with no matter the situation. He knew that he would endlessly have his back. They had promised that to each other one of the very first days they met.
Then Buck found him Carla. Helped him raise his kid. Saved his life countless times. Evoked so many emotions in him that Eddie had no idea what to do with all of them. So he came to the church. One of the places that started this all.
He was here to confess love.
“Are you aware the Catholic church views this as a sin?”
He thought about Buck’s warm smile as he hugged Christopher. He thought about the way his skin burned when Buck hugged him. He thought about every single moment over the last couple years of his life. The way his heart filled more every time he was with Buck. He thought about feeling like something was missing his entire life until suddenly Buck jumped into his life and rocked his world until Eddie had no idea what to do with himself anymore.
“Yes.”
His elbows were pressing against the table. He could feel his skin flattening against the hard surface beneath him but it wasn’t nearly enough to ground his spinning mind. He didn’t know what to think anymore. Whether he loved Buck or not didn’t matter if he couldn’t accept the fact that he loved a man.
He had spent his entire life trying to fit into this perfect little box that his parents had created for him, only for that all to be ripped out from under him because of this wonderful man in his life. He felt like he was sitting in front of his ten year old self, crying as he didn’t understand why his dad didn’t like him. He had spent so long pushing every feeling down, telling himself that he just didn’t feel love the same way his friends described. Then Buck came into his life and suddenly every single feeling the world told him to feel towards women he felt towards Buck.
Eddie shivered, his skin prickling uncomfortably. He rolled out his back, trying to rid himself of the ever-present tensions that had seated its way deep in his spine. He let his eyes flutter shut. There was a knot in his chest and throat that he worried would spiral into a panic attack if he let it fester much longer there. He took a deep breath in, feeling the air expanding his lungs. He breathed out. In and out. He was fine. There was nothing here that was trying to hurt him. It was just the loft.
“You okay?” Eddie jumped out of his skin. He jerked off the chair with an embarrassing yelp that he would deny. Bobby cringed and shook his head. “Sorry.” Eddie took a few moments to get his heart rate back to normal.
“You’re okay,” Eddie responded, only panting slightly, “I was spaced out.” Bobby nodded softly, sitting in the chair across from Eddie.
He sighed. He wasn't really ready to have an in-depth and philosophical conversation with his Captain about his mental state at the moment. Bobby was looking at him with those eyes that told him to start talking and say what was bothering him, but Eddie really didn’t want to.
Realistically, Bobby was the best person to turn to about the catholic and childhood guilt he had been facing his entire life. The man himself was catholic and one of the wisest and smartest people that Eddie knows. Eddie was scared though. Terrified.
He knew that Bobby had no issue with the community itself. Hen was a lesbian herself and Buck was bisexual. Bobby didn’t discriminate on any level. Eddie still didn’t want to say it. Saying it out loud felt like it meant he couldn’t take it back. That after he speaks it into the universe then suddenly the world will never be the same again. That child inside of him desperately wanted his parents' approval. The teenage boy who used to sit through church with Shannon just wanted to please God. Yet, he knew that there was no amount of pushing it down and praying to change that could get rid of this.
“I’m gay.”
And the words came out. Despite his terror. Despite his anxiety. Despite every fear he had ever had surrounding those words. He said them. He kept his gaze down. He didn’t want to look Bobby in the eyes. He didn’t want to see pity or worry.
Bobby didn’t make him look up. He didn’t start demanding questions. He didn’t make Eddie speak. He just sat there being an open presence, waiting for Eddie to come to him. Eddie took a deep breath, trying to calm the nerves buzzing through his veins. Nothing was hurting him. Nothing was wrong.
Still, Eddie didn't speak. He didn’t look up. He didn’t make any movements. He just stayed there. He could feel the shame crawling through his body, gripping his throat and making it burn. He needs to breathe. He was fine.
“Y’know that is okay, right Eddie?” Bobby’s voice was soft and inviting. He was giving Eddie the room to speak, but not forcing him to confront anything he wasn’t ready to at the moment. He bit the side of his lip, chewing on it softly as he breathed through the anxiety.
“It doesn’t feel okay,” That was the honest answer. Everything that had been drilled into his head his entire life made him feel like nothing about this was okay. He was supposed to be this strong man of the house that his parents wanted with him, yet that was the farthest thing from what he felt like right now. He felt small. Vulnerable. Terrified.
Bobby sighed in front of him, settling farther back into his chair. Eddie could tell the man wasn’t having the easiest time responding to what he was saying. Not because the man didn’t support him, but because he was trying to figure out the best way to support him.
“Did something happen that made you come to this realization?” Bobby asked him, voice deep and soothing against Eddie’s buzzing nerves. His cheeks flushed. How did you tell your boss you have caught feelings for your coworker? That was another reason why Eddie had hesitated for so long to tell Bobby. Not only was the man his boss, but he was also the surrogate father for the man he had fallen in love with. Part of him felt like he was asking Bobby’s permission to date Buck, but he knew that wasn’t the case for what was going on.
He opened his mouth, but nothing came out except a brief noise of embarrassment and confusion. Eddie flushed harder as Bobby’s face softened further. He knew Bobby wasn’t going to press it out of him. Eddie would either tell him or he wouldn’t, and god he had been waiting so long to get this off of his chest. To tell someone else in the world the way this perfect man made him feel. Eddie sighed.
“It’s Buck.” Eddie admitted, ignoring the heat crawling up his neck and burning through his skin. Bobby nodded his head with a soft smile. Eddie knew the older man probably knew that already. Bobby wasn’t blind. Neither was the rest of the team. They could see the way he and Buck looked at each other. How they talked about each other. How they acted around each other. It had all gone past simple friendships the longest time ago.
“I see,” Bobby replied, doing a horrible job of hiding the smile on his face and in his tone. Eddie groaned, shoving his face into his hands and wiping his cheeks. Bobby chuckled across from him and Eddie whipped his head up to glare at the man, which only made his amusement harder to conceal.
“Bobby,” Eddie complained, “This is serious.” The man fondly shook his head, wiping his hand over his mouth.
“I know it is,” Bobby replied, looking him in the eyes, “We were just waiting to see how long it would take you.” Eddie flushed again, burning red. He cleared his throat.
“Yeah, yeah,” He huffed, “Tell Hen and Chim I finally got it together.” He didn’t even want to think about the endless teasing from Chim involving his emotional constipation or the knowing glances from Hen every time he looked at Buck in the future.
“Who said I was talking about either of them?” Bobby teased, smiling at him. Eddie gaped.
“Athena?!” He questioned, but Bobby immediately rolled his eyes.
“No, not Athena.” Bobby huffed, shaking his head. “You think you were the first one to come to me about this?” Bobby inquired, giving Eddie a telling look. His eyes widened.
“Buck,” He whispered, the name tumbling out of his mouth like a prayer he had sung a thousand times. Bobby nodded.
“Yes,” He confirmed. Eddie sat there, dumbfounded as Bobby watched him. The man looked expecting. Eddie wasn’t sure what he wanted. Eddie tilted his head in confusion and Bobby sighed dramatically, rubbing his forehead in fond exhaustion. “Go talk to him Eddie.” Bobby instructed.
“Oh-” Eddie scrambled out of his chair, “Yes. Right.” He began making his way towards the stairs of the loft, head pounding in his chest, not from nervousness this time, but excitement. As he reached the stairwell, he looked back at Bobby. The man had stood and began to work on dinner. Eddie smiled.
“Hey, cap,” He called, and Bobby looked back at him, “Thank you.”
Eddie thought the conversation with Buck would be awkward and nerve-wracking. It wasn’t. Turns out when you really loved someone this much, it all came so easily. The words slipped from his mouth like syrup, sweet and intentional. Buck watched him like Eddie had hung the stars in the sky with his bare hands as he spoke.
When Buck finally surged forward and kissed him, it was like a piece of his world clicked together. This was what he had been waiting for his entire life. He pulled Buck close, hugging him so tight as they shared their first kiss.
If they started crying when they finally pulled apart from each other, well, that was between him and Buck.
And their captain who was watching with pride from the balcony of the loft.