Chapter Text
Charles frowned at the camera, unsure how he had ended up here. Matthew had promised to get him interviews so he could improve his image and further his political career. This was very far from what he'd expected, but he would make the most of it.
"Hello, I'm Anania, and this is Gaydar !" The interviewer said cheerfully. Wait, what ? Matthew knew about how important it was for him to avoid alienating his potential voters by hiding his sexuality. He would be having some stern words with his brother after this. He took a deep breath. This was fine. All he had to do was pretend he was straight. He'd been doing it as long as he'd been alive, so this shouldn't be too difficult.
Anania pointed the microphone at him. "What is your name, and what are your pronouns ?"
"My name is Charles Fairchild, and my pronouns are he/him," he replied. He smiled politely at her - he didn't want to come off as reluctant, or worse, antagonistic, because that would pain him in a bad light. He could only hope that the video would do well and expose new voters to him, all while maintaining his credibility as a serious candidate.
"Alright, Charles, let's start off easy. I'm going to show you a flag, and you have to tell me which queer identity it represents."
On one of their cue cards, Anania showed him a flag with pink, yellow and blue horizontal stripes. He frowned. The very little he knew of pride flags was from his younger brother, who seldom left the house without a bisexual flag pin attached to his shirt. The pink and blue stripes reminded him a bit of that flag, but the shades were different, and the yellow was throwing him off. He wished he'd gotten the bisexual flag. He wasn't used to not knowing the answer to something, usually meticulously preparing his interviews with cue cards. Curse Matthew! He was thoroughly unprepared for this, because his brother hadn't told him what to expect. He tried to go about this logically. If pink and blue stood for men and women, as they did for the bisexual flag, then this flag indicated something to do with both genders. Probably not attraction, since the bisexual flag was something else.
"I'm going to guess… the trans flag ?" Charles guessed. Anania looked disappointed.
"No, honey, the trans flag is pink, blue and white. This is the pansexual flag."
"But isn't… Pan means all. Wouldn't being pansexual be virtually the same thing as being bisexual ? Why do they need another flag ?"
Anania frowned at him. "Can I see you in my office ?" He looked around at the park they were in, wondering where this "office" was, and why they weren't having their interview there in the first place, since it would be a more professional, controlled setting. Then, he saw that she was simply turning around from the camera, and that it must be a running gag on the show. Embarrassed, he did the same.
"I'm not going to explain this to you, but I'd highly recommend you do an Internet search after this interview," they advised him. Then, she turned around again, and he followed her lead.
"Now, would you like to apologise to the pansexual and trans communities for confusing them, and also for questioning the need for a separate identity for pansexuals ?" They pointed the microphone at him again, and his anxiety levels rocketed. The fact he'd already angered her audience was not a good sign at all.
"I sincerely apologise for my lack of knowledge on the symbols of your respective identity, which does not at all translate to any disrespect on my end," he began. "And I apologise to the pansexual community for any and all perceived wrongdoings I might have committed. It was not my intention."
Now, Anania seemed partly amused, partly judgmental as they swapped out their cue card for another one. "Let's not rehash that particular bit of discourse, or we'll be here all night !" She said, sharing a conspirational look with the camera. They were excellent at her job, seamlessly moving past his blunder to give him another chance. Although, now that he'd failed at the supposedly "easy" question, he was afraid of what would come next.
"Rank these cities in order of queerness : Paris, London, and Rome."
He had no idea what to answer. He'd never thought of any of these cities as particularly queer, or straight, for that matter. This was a ranking question, which meant technically, there shouldn't be a right or wrong answer like for the previous one. He couldn't afford another mistake if he wanted to salvage this media appearance. In desperation, he tried to think of what his brother would say.
"Least queer would probably be Rome ?" he replied. "I'm not familiar with the city, so apologies if that's wrong. I'd say London in second, because I've been told it has a rich queer nightlife. Also, I know many queer people who live there." He realised how that sounded, and course-corrected. "Such as my brother, for example. And, well, Paris, because..." Alastair's face flashed through his mind unbidden. He pushed the memory away, coughing to clear his throat. "Because it's Paris," he concluded very awkwardly after some hesitation.
Anania seemed to think this was a passable answer, so they moved on to the next question.
"What's the gayest thing you did as a child ?"
This was certainly a complicated question. He couldn't answer it honestly, because then people would think he was gay. He would have to answer something very straight-sounding, to throw everyone off-course. "I'm afraid I can't answer that," he replied. "I've always been very straight." Anania looked at him strangely, though he didn't think anything he'd said was particularly odd at all.
"Name three books by queer authors."
"The Picture of Dorian Gray," he said, because that was the one Matthew was always raving about. He cast his mind back further, and landed on a memory of Mr Bridgestock where they were discussing queer books, albeit not in a very positive light. "Genderqueer. And, um… "
Anania was nodding encouragingly at him while he tried, and failed, to come up with a third book.
"Um.. What was it that Mr Bridgestock was telling me…" Too late, he realised he'd spoken aloud. Anania's eyes widened.
"Bridgestock ? As in, the homophobe who kicked out his daughter because she's a lesbian ?" she demanded, looking more than a little offended.
"I used to be engaged to his daughter !" Charles scrambled to save his answer. He hoped this wouldn't anger Mr Bridgestock himself, who he needed as a political ally. "That's how I know him."
They raised an eyebrow at him, clearly not really believing him, but they moved on.
"Last question," she declared. "You're a politician currently campaigning for office. Tell our queer viewers how you would improve their lives if you are elected."
Charles internally thanked whoever had written those questions for including one about politics. "I would lessen the amount of taxes, which ultimately benefits everyone, including your viewers," he answered confidently. Anania did not look even remotely convinced.
"I'm going to give you another try," they told him. "I meant, what measures would you put in place to improve the lives of queer people specifically ?"
"I would add more police forces around next year's Pride parade, to avoid any riots from breaking out. That way, people can have a good time there without worrying about their safety."
Anania seemed like they were deeply regretting interviewing him at this point. Well that makes two of us, he thought.
"Alright ! Now for the verdict. Do I think you are gay, straight, or a homophobe ?" She scanned him again. "Gay and a homophobe," they announced.
"What ?" Charles demanded, panicking. "That can't be right !"
"Charles, you have to realise it sounds very bad that, among others, you are acquainted with a known homophobe, and want to increase police presence at Pride to prevent riots. The first Pride was a riot. It's the entire point."
"Not that part !" he protested. "I'm not gay ! I'm straight !" Anania looked at him like he'd just grown two heads.
"What do you mean, you're straight ?" She started counting on her fingers. "You ranked the only city you've never gone to last in order of queerness, and the city where you live second because, and I quote, 'I know lots of queer people there'. Also, that pause when you ranked Paris first was extremely suspiscious! And you were engaged to a lesbian."
"Lots of straight men accidentally date lesbians !" Charles argued. This interview was probably the worst political blunder of his life, counting when he'd angered the French vampires. Except this time, he didn't think Matthew would come help him resolve the situation. No, his little brother would probably watch the video with glee and cackle at his misfortune.
"Sure they do," Anania said, though it was clear she didn't believe him.
"I told you that I couldn't think of anything gay I did during my childhood, because I'm very straight !" Charles continued, desperately trying to salvage this. Anania looked partly amused, part exasperated.
"You can't live in denial forever." The camera cut, and Charles could no longer say anything in his defense. His shoulders slumped. Anania was reorganising her cue cards as they got ready for the next interview.
"By the way," she told him as she left. "You don't have my vote. If that wasn't obvious."