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As he watched her die on that screen his heart broke into a million shattered pieces that would never be put back together.
He watched her tell Tobias that she loved him. He watched her take her last breath and he watched her bleed on the ground.
But he couldn't cry.
He didn't have a chance to really start the grieving process until he was alone that night hours after he should have been asleep; Alone and away from everyone he could finally try.
Tobias had lost his girlfriend, Cassie had lost her best friend. Ax had lost the only other person who thought the same way he did about the war, Jake had not only lost his cousin AND brother, but had issued the death sentence himself for both of them. Marco had lost himself.
At first he didn't understand why he was so upset about Rachel's death. She had been a friend and a comrade, but nothing more in reality. A pretty blond he had fought next to for three year. Even calling them friends could be considered a long shot if you didn't know better. But as the first days turned into weeks he started to grasp the pieces and put the puzzle together. And the picture no matter how tragic and beautiful was still shattered.
He had lost a lover.
Sure it was just a few times. But he never got over the fact he had been her first. Not Tobias, but him. He came to realize that she must have knew she was going to die that night.
Part of him was pissed off.
Pissed off at her for doing that to him; for giving herself to him and not telling him she wasn't going to be around.
Pissed at himself for taking her virginity; even though she took his as well.
Pissed off at Jake for sending her to do his dirty work. For letting her be his insurance.
Pissed off at Tobias for not giving her what she was looking for; and for getting to be the one that got her last words.
A few weeks after her death he slipped out and flew to the old bell tower. Nothing had been touched, everything as they had left it. A few blankets on the floor, a old couch throw pillow. Her pink sweater, in one of those stupid plastic boxes; because she had told him that It was one of her favorites.
As he stood there he could hear the ghosts of their past. Her laugh, almost a giggle, the little sounds she made when he touched her. The whisper of words. Him almost panic over her virginity.
It was too much, everything was too raw. He left, taking the pink sweater with him.
At night, when he was alone, he would ball his eyes out like he had done when he thought his mom had drowned, as if he was a young child again. He missed her like no other, no one challenged him like she had. She haunted his dreams most nights.
He kept that pink sweater under his pillow for months. Until it no longer smelled like her.
When Tobias left and Cassie quit talking to them. Marco moved on with life.
He dated girls that might be her but weren't. He would imagine her when he slept with them. It was always Rachel.
He went to toss the sweater in the trash one day, but he couldn't do it. So in the closet it went, only to make an appearance when he was alone and needed comfort. But life went on even without her. Marco went on shows, and had his own. He talked about the fights, the scary things, how amazing it was to fly or be so strong you could literally crush someone, he talked about his friends and told jokes, but he never divulged about the real Rachel.
Just before he left with the others he visited Cassie. She was surprised to see him but as friendly as always.
They talked about life, what was going on- except the fact he was leaving to fight again and she was not.
They talked about the past, about losing a big chunk of their childhood. He asked her about her future and her plans after college; and then they talked about Rachel.
“She would have been proud of you; I hope you know that.” She told him. “She would have been proud of you for living your life as you wanted after the war.”
He smiled. “She would be proud of you too Cass. Jeans that fit and nice boots.” He joked. “She would be prouder of you.
Cassie smiled at him. “I saw when you went to that event a few months ago I saw your date” she started. “You took that Alissa who you met on Ellen. The one with down syndrome. And then you took her to her prom. The pictures were all over the Internet. That girl had the time of her life twice. She wasn't the prettiest girl but you took her. Rachel would have wanted that.”
And that made him proud.
When they left to try and save Ax he knew he was never coming back. As he packed his bag he picked up the old sweater. He held it up to his face and inhaled deeply. It still smelled faintly of her he imaged. He looked at it for a moment, and placed it in his bag.
And before he died, his last thoughts were of her.