Work Text:
In Which Bilbo Sends Thorin the Most Hobbity of Gifts (and Thorin isn't sure if he should be thankful)
Thorin II Oakenshield, son of Thráin, son of Thrór, King Under the Mountain
I hope this letter finds you, your kith, and kin well under the mountain. As a member of your Company who risked life, limb, and general incineration to reclaim Erebor I find I spend a bit of time pondering its general longevity and the overall health of its population. I do not believe this is unreasonably considering the personal investment of time and sanity put into the quest.
While I hear that Erebor has once again secured steady trade with Dale, Lake Town, the Blue Mountains, and occasional, not spoken of, dealings with elves, a kingdom should not be reliant on trade alone to fill its pantries. As I am sure was mentioned during our travels hobbits are at their very core, no mater the status of their birth, farmers and gardeners. We have large families and we feed them well. We understand the workings of earth and the seasons as you understand the workings of stone and metals.
With this thought in mind, and because you have seventy years of dragon fertilizer I doubt you’ve done anything with, I have sent two hobbits to your gates. If fate and luck holds they should be standing before you. They are Sadoc Goodbody and Tolman Greenham.
Young Sadoc is a Journeyman gardener though he should have been granted his masters several years ago. Unfortunately places worthy of his skills seldom open, and as a fourth child his parents have not the funds to purchase him an appropriate position. His skills lay both in the aesthetics of gardens and in the creation useful hybrids. He was granted his journeyman’s status by developing a strain of strawberries with a slightly tart flavor and far fewer seeds making them ideal for jams and preserves. The Tooks' have already pulled out a quarter of their well-established strawberry beds and given them over to this new strain. He has also developed a type of potato, that while slightly smaller than average, seems nearly impervious to the black leaf rot that can take two thirds of a crop in a damp summer. He will almost certainly be able to develop food crops that will flourish out in the Desolation.
.
Young Tolman is the fifth son of the Greenham family which manages some of the largest tracks of farms in the Shire. He is knowledgeable in irrigation, crop rotation, pest control, soil management, and the general skills needed for efficient food production. He is hard working and well-spoken of. Unfortunately, due to his birth order, he will inherit a stake in the farms but will most likely spend his days working for his eldest brother with no proper land of his own.
At my own expense I have sent multiple samples of seed types and sub-varieties so they may begin to develop an understanding of what will grow on your mountain. They are both skilled and dedicated to their work and I am sure between the two, with your royal blessings, they will be able to pad the larders for lean times or during trade difficulties, as well as provide some delicacies for the royal tables. And don’t try to tell me dwarves don’t enjoy their fruit and vegetables. I know what was in my pantry and what wasn’t by the time the Company got through with it. I have even seen Ori eat a cheese and spinach tart.
I would also ask you, great and kind king that you are, to take in these two hobbits for another reason. As we discussed during our travels things are different in the Shire when it comes to affection and physical partnerships and what is and is not acceptable. The two lads before you are very much in love and have been since their tweens. This is something they cannot make known to their families or even some of their closest friends. They would be mocked at best and cast out at worse. As they are both now of age they are receiving pressure from their families to find nice hobbit lasses, wed, and start producing more hobbits. It is a situation that would be most cruel to them, and not exactly fair to the lasses involved either. It is a situation I avoided only by the early passing of my parents and the general indifference of my cousins, allowing me the time and freedom to go crawling around after a dragon for you.
It is my hope that under the traditions and laws of your people Sadoc and Tolman might find the freedom and peace of heart to live in a manner they wish. I ask you to factor this kindness into your decisions.
As always, at your service,
Bilbo Baggins
Royal Burglar (retired)
P.S. They are both good hard working hobbits from strong families. They will not be nearly as fussy as I was and I made sure they packed handkerchiefs.
Thorin flipped to a second page and found a letter granting the two young hobbits access to Bilbo’s share of treasure for reasonable lodging and upkeep until they can establish their own positions. He passed to letters to Balin and looked over the hobbits. They bore some distinct differences to Bilbo. Their bodies were obviously stronger and their hands showed the marks of hard work. Their skin was darker either through sun or bloodlines. And their clothes, while tidy and well-kept, showed signs of mending and were of a sturdier make. Their buttons were of well carved wood, not the shiny brass Bilbo was so proud of. They were also a good deal younger. In dwarf years he’d put them at about Kili’s age but he wasn’t sure what that would be for a hobbit.
“Sadoc Goodbody?”
The finer dressed of the two stepped forward and bowed low. “At your service your majesty.”
Thorin quirked a smile. He knew that wasn’t a hobbit greeting. In fact he was pretty sure the traditional greeting for a hobbit was ‘would you like some tea or maybe a bite to eat’. Bilbo must have lectured them before departing.
“Tolman Greenham?”
“At your service,” younger looking but taller one, repeated with a low bow and a nervous creek in his voice.
Thorin stared at them for a minute watching them shift. "The letter you just presented requests that you be allowed to farm and garden my mountain."
"Yes, your majesty," Sadoc replied with another bow.
Bilbo was never that deferential. However Bilbo had wealth (by Shire standards) and a bit of title (by Shire standards), and his pantry was all but cleared out by the time they were introduced which was not a good first impression by hobbit standards.
"What did Mister Baggins tell you about this place before you left?"
"That it is a grand kingdom and that you are a good, wise, and caring king." Tolman answered quickly. "And that dwarves know all there is to know about the working rock, metal, and fine gems, but…" Tolman suddenly stuttered to a stop his face flushing.
"What exactly did our dear Mister Baggins say? I'm sure it was bluntly phrased."
"That…" Sadoc cleared his throat and took a deep breath. "That you wouldn't know a purple dandy tomato from a ruby bliss if it hit you in the face." He quickly cast his eyes to the floor flushing deeply.
Thorin tried not to laugh. He was sure he'd probably just been gravely insulted by hobbit standards. "I see. Anything else?"
"He mentioned something about a dragon but he was just funning us."
"Does that look like funning?" Dwalin gestured to the scorch marks around the base of the throne and high on the pillars. Thorin had insisted on leaving them as a reminder to himself and all future kings the price of greed and arrogance.
"There really was a dragon?!" Tolman squeaked looking around as if it was hiding in a corner.
"Oh yes, and your sponsor crawled right under its nose."
"But… But that’s just a silly story he tells the little ones. Dragons and trolls and nonsense."
Dwalin and Balin both shook their heads. "All too real my lads. Mister Baggins also ordered seventy years of dragon leavings carted outside but I'll say it's not grown nothing but weeds."
Both hobbits instantly relaxed since they were back on the topic of growing things.
"My Da always says where you can grow a weed you can grow a rose." Tolman stated with a firm nod.
"That's all well and good but you can't eat a rose," Dwalin grumbled from his place beside Thorin.
The hobbits looked at each other as if to confirm what they'd just heard. "Of course you can."
"Rosehip honey is the best thing over scones."
"Especially in winter."
"And you can't have a wedding without candied rose petals on the cake.
"And-"
"Yes." Thorin cut them off. Bomber had once gotten Bilbo onto the subject of apples and it had resulted in a two day lecture. And Bilbo wasn't a farmer. "Thank you."
Thorin considered the hobbits. It would be handy to have some internal food stock. Even if it wasn't enough to feed Erebor on a daily basis Dwarves could subsist on minimal food in the event of crop failure or trade problems. It wouldn't make Dale or Lake Town happy but it probably wasn't anything Balin couldn't negotiate away. And while his people had been forced to take on rural jobs in their wanderings he doubted any of them wanted to return to it. Thorin stood. The hobbits took half steps back.
"Follow me." Thorn took long strides past them and out of his throne room. He was flanked by Balin and Dwalin as well as guards and members of court. He didn't look behind him to see if the hobbits followed, and those sneaky little bare feet of theirs were silent on stone, but he took it on faith that they were scurrying along.
He passed through his city and out the doors into the light that was just beginning to soften with the late afternoon. He marched down onto the fields covered ankle high with scraggly, prickly grass and odd yellow flowers. Thorin could never remember if they had grown there prior to Smog's burning of the countryside.
He turned to find Sadoc and Tolman with their faces turned to the sun and their toes curling into the grass.
"Here are the weeds. Do you think you can grow roses?"
"You can grow a rose anywhere your majesty. It's just a question of what kind." Sadoc stated plainly while both hobbits dropped to their knees and started working their fingers into the ground. Tolman took a small trowel from a deep pocket. He cut into the earth with it before lifting out a piece that looked like a coring sample with the grass still attached to the top and the roots dangling from the bottom.
He plucked a pinch of dirt from the hole and brought it to his lips. His face pulled together in thought before discreetly spitting the dirt to the side. "Not early as acidic as I feared. Still going to need a good deal of work."
'Acidic?' Thorin though. He didn't know dirt had acid in it. It was dirt.
Sadoc was peering closely at one of the yellow flowers. "Looks a bit like oxalis. Could be a problem."
"Something to keep an eye on."
Some insect flew by. Sadoc dropped the flower and caught the bug between cupped hands. He cracked in fingers open and Tolman peeked inside. "Looks like a pod wasp only smaller. We'll have to plant marigolds beneath any trestles."
Thorin allowed the two hobbits a few minutes to examine the dirt, the grass, random bugs they managed to catch. The court stared at them with great curiosity, most having only heard stories of the one hobbit to ever set foot in the city. "Gentlemen," he finally stated causing them to jump to their feet. "Your thoughts?"
"Yes," said Tolman.
"Yes," Sadoc echoed.
"Yes?"
"We can grow something here."
"Well, really we could grow something anywhere. It's sort of what hobbits do."
"We won't be able to grow what we might in the Shire."
"And it's far too late in the season to put in a crop."
"We'll need the rest of the year and then some for proper soil enrichment but, yes."
Both nodded their heads in agreement their faces serious. Thorin was a little surprised. From what he recalled of the Shire it seemed as though you could spit out a pit and have a tree by the next season.
"So you are confident in this? Our… dirt is not the soft kind you know."
Tolman tilted his head and seemed to puff himself up. "The Shire is not the first home of the Hobbit's. We've made mountainsides bloom before."
That surprised Thorin. Hobbits seemed so perfectly suited for their land. He couldn't picture them living amongst mountains. "I see. And what will you require to do this?"
"We'll need records of weather, detailed as possible with a look at your calendar so we can convert it into Shire Reckoning."
"We'll need any maps of water sources, springs, rivers whatever you have. Especially seasonal ones so we can plan irrigation."
"And lists of insects native to the area. Pest and friendly."
"With special notes as to recurring swarms. Wouldn't do to put in the first crops only to have a once a decade swarm of grasshoppers eat through it all."
"Also rodents. And any previous information on soil condition, especially the acidity of it. I know it's changed since your dragon but it will be a place to start."
They both blinked up at Thorin expectantly as if he would be able to spit out all the information right there. He was a tad embarrassed that he couldn't but he consoled himself with the fact that the hobbits probably couldn't tell the difference between aragonite and a lump of wulfenite.
"That information may be in the library however there was damage to many records. You can probably get more of what you need in Dale." He looked over Sadoc and Tolman. They were young and eager and obviously knowable in their arts. There was also a hint of desperation in their eyes that Thorin recognized as one his own people had done their best to hide in their wandering days. "In two weeks you will present me with a preliminary plan for food production. If I approve I will grant you a year's worth of needed resources. I don't expect full crops within a year but I would like to see a successful start to the endeavor."
Both hobbits bowed low their bodies nearly collapsing with relief. "Thank you your majesty. Thank you so much."
Thorin just grunted. "Balin will begin arrangements for you."
Thorin turned to back to the gates when he felt Dwalin's hand on his shoulder. "You might want to ask if either of them are baring." He muttered softly.
"Why would I do that?" Thorin was of the belief that a dwarfs ability to reproduce was not a kings business outside of the need for royal heirs and that belief extended to hobbits.
"Think of how big hobbit families are. We let in two we could be up to our eyeballs in the sneaky little buggers before we know it."
Thorin looked over his shoulder. Tolman and Sadoc had their arms wrapped around each other and were hopping up and down like excited children. Thorin opened his mouth to voice the question then closed it again. "No. You can ask them later when we're less likely to be lecture on seasonal insects."
~
Dear Mum, Pa, Adaldrida, Chica, Daisy, Doderic, Halfred, Marcho, Saradas, Wilcome, Tobold, Salvia, Ponto, and May
Me and Sadoc have made it to Erebor. We've met lots of dwarves and the letter Mr. Baggins gave us had us presented before the King! The King is a bit gruff but Fili and Kili the Royal Princes tell us that he's really very nice but he's a king so it's his job to be stern.
Like Mr. Baggins told us dwarves don't really know anything about farming which is strange because they like their food and ale almost as much as hobbits. It will be fine though. We have lots of dwarves who want to help us in some way or another.
I'm sending plans for the glass house the Princes are having built for us. It makes Farmer Maggot's sprouting house look like a shack. We'll be able to put full grown trees in it!
And Mum the next time Mrs. Goodboyd is bragging about Milo you can tell her that your son is now First Engineer of Farms of an entire Kingdom. It's only for a year until we prove ourselves but you don't have to tell her that. And Fili and Kili told us that their Uncle the King is sure to give us proper contracts.
We've already made friends with other dwarves, mostly the ones that Mr. Baggins traveled with. And he wasn't funning about the Dragon at all! He is a great big hero here! Dwarves keep asking me if I'm going to sneak up on any Dragons and I tell them I'm just a farmer. They smile but I don't think they believe me.
I won't write to much more because the messenger will be leaving soon but I want to tell you that I am very happy and doing well and I love all of you.
Your loving Son and Brother
Tolman Greenham
First Engineer of Farms of Erebor by the Royal Appointment of Thorin II Oakenshield, son of Thráin, son of Thrór, King Under the Mountain
~
Dear Mother, Father, Holman, Hob, Gilly, Filibert, and Erling
I am writing to tell you that Tolman and I have arrived safely in Erebor and have begun to establish ourselves. Mr. Baggin's letter of introduction had us presented before the king and his court. I cannot begin to describe the sight. The throne is perched above a vast cavern that seems nearly bottomless, it sparkles with streams of gold and gems.
Even in our finest we must appear as poppers to the dwarves. Even the most humble we have encountered have beads of silver in their hair. Despite this the king and other dwarves have been quite kind to us and seem eager to help us in our endeavors.
The royal princes, Fili and Kili, are arranging for a glass house to be built for us and heated with water brought up from the vast forges of the kingdom. Though in truth calling it a glass house is calling Brandybuck Hall a 'nice little place'. I am including with this message some of the preliminary designs. It will easily hold full grown trees and be able to start entire crops. Dwarves don't do anything small.
I have been named Master of Gardens and granted a one year contract. Tolman is now Chief Engineer of Farms. The princes and several other dwarves have assured us that we are nearly guaranteed a continuation on that contract.
I should also mention that 'mad' Mr. Baggins is not nearly as mad as one might believe. He has understated his adventure quite considerable. For one there really was a dragon. There are sets of toys down in the market for children that have a toy dragon, thirteen figures of dwarves, and a fourteenth figure that does not look much like Mr. Baggins but it has short curly hair, bare feet, no beard, and truly could not be anything other than a Hobbit. We have heard three ballads already that mention his name though two of them are in the language of dwarves. The one we could understand was about him slaying spiders large enough to eat an elf.
I know many considered Tolman and I a little odd for taking this trip but we have been welcomed warmly, treated kindly, and have already achieved rank in our trades. Something that was unlikely to ever happen back home.
I will endeavor to get a second message to you before the mountains are snowed in for the winter. If this one gets through I will also try to include small gifts for the family with the next one. The dwarves are truly great craftsmen, they just don't know much about gardening. I hope all of the family is well and continues to be, and perhaps at some point in the future, when we have properly established ourselves, we may be able to make a visit home.
Your loving son,
Sadoc Goodbody, Master of Gardens, of Erebor by the Royal Appointment of Thorin II Oakenshield, son of Thráin, son of Thrór, King Under the Mountain
~
Bilbo Baggins, son of Bungo, son of Mungo, son of Balbo
I have received your 'gift' and I have yet to decide if I should be thankful or quite cross. Within ten minutes of meeting your hobbits I found myself being questioned about soil acidity and seasonal insects. They then proceeded to engage in a charm offensive against my entire court.
It seems during our wandering many of my kingdom developed tastes for foods not normally part of a dwarf diet. The chief engineer of the western mines has taken it upon himself to design large buildings of glass for growing plants out of season. He's in cahoots with my nephews in this, and has talked the masters of my forges into piping hot water a half a mile to the surface to heat these buildings. And all for the promise of something called a Yellow Pear which isn't a pear at all but a type of tomato.
One of my generals is building what appears to be the most fearsome machine of war. It will be pulled by two stout ponies and is nothing but spinning blades. It is supposed to be for 'soil enrichment'. I have forbidden any member of the family from going anywhere near it until it has been fully tested.
My kitchens are engaged in quite, backroom, quite possibly illegal trade negotiations for the seeds of spice plants that are normally only grown by Easterlings and traded across half of Middle Earth. I will admit I had no idea just what the kitchens spent on pepper, which is a shame since I rather enjoy it on my eggs. Now I am afraid I might end up at war over it. And I will not even get into the very concept of Second Breakfast. If there was anything I did not need my people knowing about it was that.
While I have granted your hobbits contracts for a year Fili and Kili keep making eyes at me and I have no doubt that I will soon be sending part of the treasury back to your Shire for seeds, sprouts, and possibly more blasted hobbits. Dwalin is looking over my shoulder as I write this and is trying not to snicker but I know he wants whatever kind of apple was sitting in your pantry that night.
With that said I hope this missive finds you well and enjoying your retirement.
Thorin II Oakenshield, son of Thráin, son of Thrór, King Under the Mountain (and soon to be king of fields and buildings made of glass.)
~
Dear Mister Bilbo Baggins
Tolman and I have arrived safely in Erebor and it is far grander than we ever imagined. As you said your letter had us presented before the king and court. He is very much as you described and welcomed us kindly if not necessarily warmly. He has granted us contracts for a year to prove our ideas. And it is a good thing as well for no one seems to know a thing about the outside of this mountain, just what is under it. I am now Master of Gardens and Sadoc is Chief Engineer of Farms, something our mothers can brag about to all the other women.
We have been given very nice rooms that aren't too deep in the mountain.
We took your advice and introduced ourselves to Miss Dori. She has been absolutely lovely to us and we have taken tea together several times. She has gone out of her way to introduce us to all the best people and has rather taken Tolman under her wing. It still feels very odd. We are just simple hobbits but we are being introduced to nobles, generals, and we have even met the royal princes who speak quite fondly of you.
There has been great interest in our plans. One general nearly swooned describing a peach he had once that sounded like the Pink Lady peaches Farmer Maggot sometimes sends to Bree if he has a particularly large crop. The princes want lemon and orange trees and are building us glass house to grow them. I'm just not sure where we'll get the cuttings or how to get them here.
Did you know there are ballads about you? I have informed my family in my letter that you are not nearly as mad as people are claiming and that your stories are quite true. We have been asked many times if we are related to you. Tolman has explained several times that you are fourth cousins twice removed however hobbit family lines seem to confuse dwarves. I guess our families are a good deal larger than most of theirs.
I know you told us things would be different here. You explained that dwarves loved in different ways from hobbits but I will admit I didn't entirely believe you. The ideas seemed less possible than the existence of dragons. A few weeks after we arrived Miss Dori invited us to take an early tea at one of the better establishments she knows. While we were there a large wedding party came in and Miss Dori told us that the dwarves getting married were both lads! We still have a hard time telling the lads from the lasses from the brasgnem* but Miss Dori assured us they were both lads. Their mothers had whole barrels of ale brought out. They were kissing right there in front of their families. And everybody cheered. They sang to each other. I don't know what the words were but it was beautiful. I've never heard anything like it. Tolman started crying. Some dwarves noticed and I had to tell them that weddings are very important to hobbits and that Tolman always cries at weddings, which are true things but I'm pretty sure that's not why he was crying.
He started talking to Miss Dori alone often after that. I don't mind. He has never made friends easily.
I will admit I miss the Shire, and I am sure I always will with its green hills and soft black earth, but I confess a sense of both peace and purpose has settled into me since arriving. I know Tolman is changing as well. I believe he sees the future when he looks at rough mountain soil. And I believe he sees the past, our Harfoot elders who dug the first Smials into the rough Misty Mountains.
The messengers west are departing soon so I will end this letter with my thanks. Our ancestors with adventurous spirits first ventured west to find peace and with your encouragement and guidance we have ventured east and found the same.
Thank you and always at your service,
Sadoc Goodbody, Master of Gardens, of Erebor by the Royal Appointment of Thorin II Oakenshield, son of Thráin, son of Thrór, King Under the Mountain
~
Thorin looked over the six hobbits standing before him.
"This is his revenge for all the times you were unkind to him on our journey." Dwalin whispered in his ear. "He is trying to take over Erebor one hobbit at a time. You know at least one of them has to be bearing."
"How many strawberries did you have with breakfast?" Thorin grumbled back.
He looked down at the letter in his hands.
Thorin II Oakenshield, son of Thráin, son of Thrór, King Under the Mountain
I hope this letter finds you and yours well. As requested I have arranged a wagon in an eastern bound caravan to carry quantities of various seed stock as well as dormant cuttings from several varieties of fruit baring trees. I am not sure how well those will survive the trip and I'm afraid not even the offer of mithril will get Farmer Maggot to part with so much as a leaf of one of his peach trees. I am not surprised but it was worth a try.
I have included viable pepper seeds for you as well. We grow it in the Shire so there is no need to go to war.
I have also included six hobbits to assist in the cultivation of these fine plants. They are Bill Gardner, Griffo Burrows, Hugo Roper, Falco Boffin, Gorbadoc Proudfoot, and Miss Berylla Bloger.
The first four are farmers and gardeners by trade. Gorbadoc is good in a garden but his family is well known for its brewing. Particularly of fine ciders. Miss Berylla is sadly one of those rare hobbits that is more or less incapable of growing anything, however she has been assisting her father in the accounting of the Took family fortune since she was quite young. I thought you might appreciate someone in your treasury who has more interest in a cheese scone than a mithril tiara.
I ask again that you treat them kindly. An adventurous hobbit is a rare thing. Finding this many willing to travel so far to the East for any reason was difficult. None have been further than Bree in their lives.
Do extend my thoughts to Dwalin, Balin, and the others of the company. And I wish health and prosperity to your kingdom.
As always, at your service,
Bilbo Baggins
Royal Burglar (retired)
Thorin looked back up from his letter to the hobbits. Their eyes were flicking around the chambers taking in the high pillars above and vast depths below. "Miss Berylla Bloger."
One of the two hobbits in the middle of the group jumped then hopped forward. "At your service your majesty."
She was a study in spheres and the shortest of the group but she had a bright smile and her clothes were easily the finest. Her full skirts were of a bright yellow and her jacket was much like Bilbo's, complete with brass buttons, but in a rich green. Despite that her long deep brown hair was held in place with clips made of wood. Wood! Oh they had lovely carvings even if the pattern seemed a bit elvish, but that didn't change the fact that probably the wealthiest of the hobbits was wearing wood. The poorest of dwarves would leave their hair unbound rather than use wood.
"What do you make of that?" Thorin pointed up to the arkenstone.
"That your majesty?"
"Yes, the stone."
"It's… pretty?" Thorin heard half the jaws in his court drop. "Very… sparkly?" The other half dropped. "It's… it's like my great aunt Hanna's best broach. It was an opal and it was even in a silver setting. Great uncle Dodrick traded six whole barrels of his best pipe-weed for it and gave it to her as a courting present even though she was supposed to be courting someone else."
Berylla smiled like she had just told a naughty secret. Thorin resisted the urge to slap his hand to his face. The glorious arkenstone that brought an entire kingdom to ruin had just been compared to an old lady's broach. Thorin sighed.
"Yes Miss Berylla, I think we can find a spot for you, and the rest of your lot as well."
The hobbits all grinned. Thorin resisted the urge to find a wall to bang his head against.