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It’s a widely spread lie that time heals all wounds; some of them cut deep enough to keep bleeding for life. Time does not care for any one person, the days keep flying by and never stop to consider a man’s fate, the cycles of Moon and Sun forever unchanged, no matter what tragedy befalls us. This is one of the simplest truths of the universe.
None of it means anything to Li Si, however, for him time might as well have ceased to exist. His world has already ended on the day Meng Rui closed his eyes and this reality surrounding him feels like an illusion constructed by his mind to keep his soul from falling apart. None of this feels real to him, the fact that he seems to still be alive and as healthy as he had never been, the fact that life around him keeps moving on and the fact that Meng Rui is still exactly in the same state as the events have left him, not a day older, not a breath more alive.
Li Si spends every night by his side.
Sometimes he meditates or falls asleep in a nest he has created for himself where he keeps him safe from prying eyes but most of those nights he gazes at Meng Rui’s face in silence or speaks to him in hushed tones. There are people who know of this, of course, but he ignores each and every subtle attempt they make at convincing him to go back to living at his own house.
He thinks they don’t actually realise how much his heart would break if he were to enter the home in which he has had the audacity to hope to live a happy life.
The leaves turn golden then fall to the ground, winter sweeps across the land then gives way to the new life in spring, the days grow long and warm again but Meng Rui’s skin remains icily cold under Li Si’s fingertips whenever he dares to brush them across his hand or cheek in a soft caress meant to reach him across the planes of existence.
Li Si doesn’t cry anymore, all of his tears already spent, though his throat remains hoarse, perhaps never meant to heal from the howls only the moon has heard.
In that damaged voice of his, he whispers all about the events of the present days though he can’t care less whether Great Shi survives or if the Divine Constable Bureau crumbles; but he thinks Meng Rui would care so he tells him everything, no secrets left between them in the quiet nights basked in the candlelight.
An entire year soon passes by, both fast and never-ending. On the first anniversary Li Si puts on a white robe and calls off all activities, wishing to spend this day wholly at Meng Rui’s side.
When he enters the room, his heart clenches as always while his eyes search for any signs of change - good or bad. He notices no change still but at least it means it’s not getting worse so he finds a minor comfort in that.
“It’s been a year, A-Rui…” he says wistfully. “Every day I thank you for the life you’ve given me but until you wake up to witness it… I must refuse to live it.”
Li Si puts down the mind-calming incense he brought with himself, then approaches the lying man, pain flashing in his eyes as he observes him. On a whim, he gently brushes Meng Rui’s bangs out of the way and kisses his temple. Part of him thinks that the audacity may get him struck down by the heavens but the rest of his mind can’t help but long to show Meng Rui the full extent of his love, hoping that maybe such a powerful force could reach where no known method of cultivation has.
“I regret many things in this life but the one I regret the most is never telling you how much I love you, even when I knew you loved me back but wouldn’t dare say a word. Ah, Meng Rui, Meng Rui, I meant to spare you the pain of losing me but I see it was always your choice to make - which one of us would suffer in the end.” Li Si sighs and kneels by the side of the cot, and falls quiet for a moment.
He studies Meng Rui’s profile attentively then blinks, a rush of adrenaline flooding his body when he notices a pinkish stain where he kissed him before. He brings his fingers to his lips, his first thought that maybe they split and it is his blood but they come back clean. With a shaking hand, he touches the spot tentatively and collapses backwards when he senses warmth. It’s not a barely perceptible lingering warmth of his kiss but rather a burning hot point, the heat clearly coming from within.
“Meng Rui?” he chokes back a sob but Meng Rui remains still.
Li Si’s head spins, his heart racing so hard he almost loses consciousness but he persists and crawls back towards Meng Rui. He is terrified because he can’t be sure what’s going on and precisely because he can’t be sure, he is all too aware that there is a room to destroy the fragile balance and push Meng Rui into death’s arms. His hands tremble when he cups Meng Rui’s cheek and he has no idea where such a striking thought comes from but a strong conviction suddenly overwhelms him and he wholeheartedly believes that in this critical moment he must kiss Meng Rui’s lips.
His breath comes out ragged as he leans in, hopeful and scared, and he confesses his love once again before his eyes fall shut and his soul reaches out to Meng Rui’s across the death’s door, calling him back with a sweet kiss.
Blue energy bursts from where their mouths connect as Li Si’s breath slips past his lips, filling Meng Rui’s lungs with air and life. It burns but he doesn’t back down, tears rolling down his cheeks as he desperately channels his qi, giving Meng Rui generously what he has borrowed before. He chokes on a sob and breaks the kiss, terrified of opening his eyes but then, unexpectedly, long fingers bury between the strands of his messed up hair and he is being pulled down, back into a devouring kiss. His eyes fly open in shock and Meng Rui takes advantage of his little gasp, pressing his tongue past Li Si’s lips, lively and warm, uninhibited like never before.
When he lets their mouths part and opens his eyes, the blue energy still reflects in the depths of his pupils but his gaze is full of love, smiling and not one bit shy.
“Li Si,” he says, his hand cupping Li Si’s face, mirroring Li Si’s gesture.
They stare at each other for a longer while. Tears keep falling soundlessly as the silence swells with happiness and too many thoughts and emotions to express all at once. Finally, Li Si throws himself into Meng Rui’s arms and buries his face in the crook of his neck, his whole body trembling with relief and joy. Meng Rui holds him, asking no questions as he rubs gentle circles into Li Si’s back and kisses his temple over and over again until his sobbing subsides. Meng Rui smiles softly as their gazes meet again, eyes red and swollen, as beautiful as ever.
“I heard your words and they awakened my frozen soul, your warmth has led it back home and my eyes have opened only for the promise of seeing your face again,” he says, then briefly presses his lips to the corner of Li Si’s mouth. “Without the memories of you, I would have been lost and succumbed to the endless darkness but whenever my soul weakened in fear, I felt your caress gently protecting my heart. Li Si, you were, are and always will be my guiding light.”
“Meng Rui…” Li Si wants to speak but finds himself at the loss of words, his hands squeezing Meng Rui’s forearms as if to make sure it is not a dream.
“I’m here,” Meng Rui presses his forehead to Li Si’s. “Take a deep breath, you can live your life now, love.”