Work Text:
Aiichirou used to think that Rin simply kept an incredibly strict training regimen. Running and swimming twice a day seemed like over training to him, but he recognized it was possible Rin was training on a level he'd never studied. (Because while Aiichirou was not great at swimming, he was great at studying swimming.) The more he helped Rin train, though, the more Aiichirou read into the workouts of Olympians. Rin wasn't over training, by their standards, but he wasn't losing time the way they did, either. Aiichirou had suspicions, but he kept them to himself. It was hardly polite to pry.
~
It wasn't long before Aiichirou noticed how little Rin ate. What began as an idle observation turned into serious concern as he discovered a routine. Rin didn't eat before his morning run, but he did have a pineapple cup afterward. Aiichirou never saw him eat lunch or dinner, but an average of three protein bars seemed to supplement that. All the food in their dorm was Aiichirou's. Rin never went out to eat, never talked about eating.
1680 calories. That was the most Aiichirou had ever seen Rin eat in a day.
He continued his silence, but Aiichirou kept a closer eye on Rin.
There was a lot he hadn't noticed.
~
Three times a week, Rin went to the weight room. This wouldn't seem strange, if Aiichirou had seen it on his work out sheet.
It wasn't.
There were a lot of things that Rin didn't put on his work out sheet. The core work that he did when Aiichirou went to visit his sister, the extra run he took every Saturday during lunch, the laps at the pool he sneaked in at three in the morning when he had trouble sleeping. The more Aiichirou watched, the more he noticed.
Aiichirou didn't know who to talk to, though, so instead, he began offering Rin food. Often, he was met with only looks of distaste. The rare occasions when Rin accepted, when Aiichirou saw Rin eat something other than fruit and protein bars, made those looks worth it.
~
It snowed the first day Rin fainted. Aiichirou might have seen symbolism there, if he'd been reading about it in a book. Instead, he was hunching over Rin, checking for a pulse and breath, shaking him lightly.
“It's just a little dizziness,” Rin had said when he'd slowed down. There, kneeling next to him, Aiichirou wishes he had said something.
~
Rin tells everyone he hasn't been feeling well, and Aiichirou lets him lie. Seijurrou tells him to take a few days rest. Aiichirou knows he won't.
When they get back to their dorm, he waits for Rin to sit down before he starts talking.
“I know what your doing to yourself,” he says, and the shock looked on Rin's face rips at his memories. “I can't make you stop, either, and we both now that.” Aiichirou watches as Rin's eyes slide closed and sighs to himself before continuing. “For the next couple of days, I want you to stick to the approved work out schedule.”
Rin says nothing, but the way he looks up, his eyes defiant, speaks for him. The glare reminds him of Akiko. He takes a calming breath.
“Fine,” Aiichirou bites, sliding off his tennis shoes. “But I'll be here. Remember that, at least. I'm always here.” Climbing onto the bunk, he curls into the blankets and tries not to cry as memories rise to the surface of his mind. Thoughts of his sister plague him. Aiichirou doesn't know if he can handle feeling that way twice.
~
Nothing changes. Aiichirou didn't expect it to. Rin works out too much, loses too much weight, eats too little, and gains seconds during all of his races. Aiichirou knows what's happening, knows muscle is being eaten away. He has read books and watched movies about it, all in an attempt to understand why a person would do that to themselves. He still doesn't.
Aiichirou doesn't know what to do besides tell someone, but he also feels it isn't his secret to share. He remembers his sister's shame and remains silent, even while understanding it's the wrong choice. Logically, he should get Rin help. He can't find the courage to divulge the information, though.
Instead, Aiichirou makes sure to be there for Rin's unscheduled work outs, a figure in the background, always ready to step in. He tries to convince himself it's for moral support, but he's a terrible liar. Aiichirou is afraid Rin will faint one day while he's alone.
~
Aiichirou learns how to cook, and how to hide his calories in food. It has him gaining a little weight, himself, but Rin eats the food Aiichirou makes more often than anything else he's handed. For a while, Rin eats starts eating what could only be called lunch right after his run It doesn't do much to stop the weight loss.
All the butter Aiichirou uses seems to slow it down, though.
Things are going well, in theory. Small amount of weight are gained, eventually, and to Aiichirou, every pound feels like a victory. Rin's face grows more disappointed every time he steps on the scale. Aiichirou ignores that as best he can.
Then, he discovers Rin vomiting in the men's restroom.
~
Seconds pass like hours as he stands there, listening to the sound of retching. He'd followed Rin to ensure everything was all right, after an abrupt departure from lunch. Aiichirou winces at the noises, keeping his spot at the entrance and reaching behind himself to lock the door.
The puking stops with the click of the lock.
“Hello?” Rin asks, and Aiichirou can hear the toilet flushing, can feel the cogs turning in Rin's mind, as he tries to formulate an excuse some normal person would accept.
Aiichirou is no normal person.
When Rin walks out of the stall, he meets Aiichirou eyes and flinches.
“You've got a problem,” Aiichirou says. “I was going to let it stay your problem, but you fainted. I tried to help you, but that's obviously failing. I need you to tell me what I can do.”
Rin glares, snarling. With his face pale, its effect is lessened.
“How about you leave me alone?” There's bite in his words, but it's weak. Akiko was always harsher.
“And what? Let you waste away? I bet you think you're making yourself better this way, don't you? I have news for you: you're not. I bet you think this is the way you'll get faster, don't you?” He knows that's the absolute worst thing he can say, remembers heated conversations in his childhood home. He's too angry to care. “Watching someone starve themselves is the ugliest thing I've ever seen, and I don't want it to happen to you.”
Aiichirou takes a steadying breath, looking up from the ground. “I don't know how to help you yet, but I'm not going to stop trying.” He unlocks the door.
Walking out of the bathroom, Aiichirou doesn't look back. Instead, he stops by his room, grabbing his back pack. It's time to do something he's been putting off.
He needs to visit his sister.
~
“I don't know what to do, Akiko,” he mumbles, settling onto the grass of her grave. The tombstone shows wear, despite its age, but he can still read the inscription. “Eaten away by life.” It's horrifyingly ironic, Aiichirou thinks every time he visits. His mother had come up with it not long after they found her lying in bed, cold and skinny as a skeleton.
In his nightmares, Rin lies on the bed. The idea scares Aiichirou more than he wants to admit.
“I've already failed you,” he whispers to the ground, “how can I expect to help Rin? I'm making all of the same mistakes. I want to tell someone, but I don't know how.” Tears slip quietly down his cheeks, and for the second time in his life, Aiichirou feels absolutely helpless.
“I miss you, Akiko. Why wouldn't you eat? Who made you hate yourself so much? Who made you feel ugly? You were always beautiful...” His words dissolve into sobs, hands clutching his sides as tears blur his vision. Often, Aiichirou think about what he would give up to have his sister back. The stakes get pretty high.
~
Upon returning to school, Aiichirou feels heavier. He normally does after he visits Akiko, as if he's taken upon himself the weight she lost.
Rin is not in their dorm room when he enters, and Aiichirou allows himself a moment of panic before spotting the note on his cluttered desk.
“ Nitori,
I've gone to talk to someone.”
He sighs, changing slowly and climbing into bed. Maybe things can get better now.
~
Things don't get better. Really, they get worse. Aiichirou sits Rin down on the bottom bunk when the scale reads 134 pounds, taking his seat on the floor across the room.
“Who did you go to talk to?” He tries to ask calmly. It comes out as a demand.
“I don't see how-”
“They did an even shittier job than I did, is what. How much have you eaten today? How long did you swim alone? How many hidden miles have you run? How many secret sets of core? Don't even bother pretending you don't have it all memorized.” Rin is silent. “You talked to the same person who drew you to train a little harder, didn't you? It all started with wanting to be a little better, to beat them, didn't it?”
Aiichirou takes Rin's silence as an answer.
“And you went there seeking closure, didn't you?” Aiichirou scoffs. “She tried that, too. It put the exact same look on her face, the exact same craze in her eyes. I'm convinced it's what killed her. I don't care who they are, I don't care if it's me, I don't think they're the one you should be talking to. I don't think you should talk to them until your better.” Rin growls, half befuddled and half angry, but Aiichirou just shakes his head. “Rin, you're sick. You need to talk to a counselor, a professional, hell, even someone who dealt with this and won.”
Aiichirou laugh is bitter as he leans heavily against the wall, staring at the ceiling.
“I guess I know someone who lost, too, if you want to meet her.” The confused look on Rin's face is fitting. “Spoiler alert, she's dead.”
Rin's head snaps to attention, his eyes wide, and Aiichirou realizes how cold this has made him. He promised himself he's never be this way again. Akiko would be disappointed.
Akiko is dead, Aiichirou reminds himself. She doesn't get an opinion.
~
When Rin begins disappearing for an hour every Thursday, Aiichirou assumes it's another unscheduled work out. When Rin starts writing in a journal, Aiichirou figures it's just another place for counting calories. He knows what comes next.
Then, Rin starts stealing pieces of his lunch, so subtly Aiichirou doesn't notice for weeks. After finally catching on, he meets Rin's eyes and smiles.
~
The sight of Rin on a scale was terrifying months ago, but now, it makes Aiichirou happy.
“How much have you earned, Rin?” He asked, careful with his wording. Rin's therapist said that changing the words they used when talking about weight might be helpful. It seemed to be working.
“Five pounds, Ai,” Rin replies, pride replacing what would have been dread so many months ago. Aiichirou wraps an arm around Rin's waist, leaning into him.
“That's 167 pounds now, right?” Rin nods, and they stand there a moment, both lost in thought. Akiko would be proud, Aiichirou knows as he stands tall to kiss Run's cheek. She'd always claimed he was terrible at learning from his mistakes, but he must have learned something. "Even fools can find their, when given enough chances," she used to say. Aiichirou thinks he's had all the chances he needs. (He just wishes he could have gotten it right in the first place.)