Chapter Text
She had to.
And Maya was not so sure if she would ever be capable of forgiving herself for breaking a sacred promise she made with Carina six and a half years ago.
Nearly seven years of marriage had crumbled away into rubble in just the last eighteen months.
Eighteen months of webbed lies, finding Carina wandering around in the backyard at three in the morning and talking to herself, skipped doses of life saving medication gone, and one particularly damning heated screaming match with both Liam and Andrea watching unknowingly from the top of the staircase.
There had been plenty of arguments before in the past where Maya gave Carina the third degree either for refusing to take her antipsychotic alongside the antidepressant Doctor Reynolds prescribed or finding the pills disposed of down the garbage disposal.
Each confrontation had left Carina feeling ashamed of herself but also angry with Maya.
Maya truly believed their marriage had been rock solid up until then…
She knew from prior experience that a psychotic break would be inevitable for Carina.
For someone living with schizophrenia.
Someone who had endured postpartum psychosis weeks after Andrea was born.
And a complex diagnosis of dysthymia.
It was Liam asking Maya one day why her and Carina were fighting that broke something in the battalion chief. And it was one big mistake that Maya would never forgive herself for for the rest of her life.
She broke the promise she made to Carina when they got married. Shattered whatever was left of their vows.
“My lawyer will be in touch with you about divorce,” Maya whispered with finality in her voice, which was void of any emotion.
Divorce.
Maya had moved back into her apartment with a confused Liam and Andrea, both asking why they couldn’t see their mamma anymore.
The second she stepped through the threshold of her apartment brought back some terrible memories for Maya. But what was she supposed to do? Move into a hotel with both children in tow?
That was the last thing Maya wanted for either child.
To say the divorce went smoothly was an understatement. A great understatement at that. Since the house was not a marital asset, Carina was allowed to keep the home as it is hers.
But there was one big fish in the ocean besides smaller assets that were handled without any fuss.
Custody.
And it was yet one other thing that Maya would forever hate herself for. Something that Carina would never forgive and hate Maya for. But the blonde was ready for the hatred.
One other thing that she would spend an eternity for. Working on forgiving herself and Carina.
Maya went straight through with a blade and told her lawyer as well as Carina’s that she wanted complete and sole custody of the kids.
The moment Carina heard sole custody, she lost whatever calm composure and fought back hard. Carina could not believe that Maya was doing this to her.
To Liam.
To Andrea.
For weeks as the process of divorce dragged on, both Maya and Carina fought constantly over custody of the kids. Maya was still firm on sole custody while Carina argued fifty fifty custody.
Mediation was of absolutely no help. Instead it only fueled the Italian’s anger. It became too much of a heated argument that both lawyers agreed that mediation was not helping either parties and referred their case to family court.
Little did Carina know of the dirty move Maya had up her sleeve…
Carina’s lawyer tried using Maya’s past instability to attempt and torpedo her ex wife, citing her demotion from captain to lieutenant after defying a direct order, deteriorating mental health, including being placed on a 5150.
But it was simply not enough to prove Carina’s case of fifty fifty custody.
Maya and her lawyer came armed with a mountain of evidence. Journals with dates, times, and incidents, footage with clear audio recordings from within the residence, including a detailed log of Carina skipping and tossing her medications out.
Carina’s head hung in defeat when a family court judge delivered their decision.
Sole custody of Liam and Andrea was granted to Maya with one weekend a month given to Carina.
The divorce went through rather quickly after that final decision. And not once did Maya hear from her ex wife after. Only when it came to Liam and Andrea.
Even then Carina barely answered emails and text messages.
Andrew had already been kept in the loop about all the legal proceedings, refusing to take sides but remaining a neutral source for the sake of the kids.
He had moved in with Carina, watching as his sister slipped into a deep and persistent state of depression.
Either sleeping through the entire day to barely sleeping at all. Andrew had to physically wake Carina up just to get her to take her medication, to eat, to simply move around.
Each time Carina put up quite the fight with her own brother oftentimes having to sedate her.
From a once bright and lively obstetrician, Carina had become a shell of herself in only eighteen months. Carina felt hopeless all the time, even dreading weekend visits with Liam and Andrea.
Part of her understood why Maya had gone to such extreme lengths but another part of Carina really loathed how it went about.
Maybe with time would Carina learn to not only forgive herself but Maya. Right now at that moment Carina was not too sure about either.
Most days white hot blinding rage fueled Carina, her judgement too clouded.
During one such visit where Maya dropped off Liam and Andrea for a weekend visit did the seven year old ask one question that still stung to this day.
Andrea was in the kitchen with her zio making some snacks when Liam sat himself next to Carina on the sofa with a book in his lap, refusing to look Carina in the eyes.
“Mommy says you’re sick,” Liam’s voice was shaky, laden with unshed tears while barely above a whisper. “Is that true?”
Carina completely froze, all the color draining from her face. She really tried to focus on what Liam had just said. But the tingling sensation in Carina’s head had her going another route.
A dangerous one at that. Becoming consumed by the voices, delusions and paranoia.
Maya poisoned and weaponized your own children against you. They know you’re an unmediated schizophrenic.
She probably told Liam and Andrea some whack-a-doodle conspiracy that you are violent and dangerous.
Carina gritted her teeth, clenching her fists tightly until her knuckles turned white.
“Is that what she told you, Liam?” Carina countered with a question. Liam just shrugged, still refusing to make eye contact.
“She said that you talk to yourself like a lot and see things that aren’t there,” Liam picked absentmindedly at a loose thread on his pants.
Carina was utterly shocked.
“Ma— she told you that?” Carina stuttered, Andrew glancing towards mother and son before going back to cutting strawberries with help from Andrea.
“Mommy says that to Drea too,” Liam finally looked up, tears evident in his eyes. “That you get really scary and mean. Is that true, Mamma?”
Bile rose in Carina’s throat, threatening to come up.
Maya weaponized Liam and Andrea against you. I mean look, look at Liam. He’s clearly scared of you. Andrea does not know any better.
Carina sighed deeply, both angry and upset that Maya would do this.
Even before it all went to hell, both her and Maya had spoken with Liam in child appropriate ways that Carina was ill mentally, explaining it in a way that Liam understood what schizophrenia and dysthymia is.
Maya and Carina had agreed long after Andrea was born that when both kids were a bit older than they are now explain what schizophrenia and postpartum psychosis are.
A nagging feeling tugged at Carina, telling her that this wasn’t the full scope of it.
She probably did tell Liam that you tried to hurt herself and Andrea a week after she was born.
“Mommy told us that you almost hurted her and Drea,” he threw himself into Carina’s open arms, holding onto her with a tight grasp. “Is it true?”
“I—“
As if sensing that Carina needed rescuing, Andrew set Andrea up with a snack plate then hurriedly made his way to sit right in front of Liam.
Carina’s cheeks burned with embarrassment and rage towards Maya. Mumbling some excuse, Carina gently moved Liam to sit on the sofa before rushing off into the confines of the master bedroom upstairs.
All they heard was the soft click of a door shutting quietly. Andrew sighed deeply, shaking his head.
“Is Mamma sick?” Liam clenched his fists tight, trying everything in his power to not cry again.
Andrew took a minute to think. He was there when Maya and Carina made that promise to speak with the kids when they were older about what schizophrenia was as well as dysthymia and postpartum psychosis.
He just hated how Maya had used Carina’s mental health against her, quite possibly alienating them.
“Not that kind of sick, kiddo,” Andrew had blown out the breath he had been holding in, wheezing slightly. “Mamma has what is called schizophrenia. Sometimes she sees and hears things that are not there.”
“Like voices?”
“Yeah,” a small nod, not in the slightest caught off guard by a seven year old’s upfront demeanor. “And at times it can be scary for your Mamma because they tell her not so nice things about herself. Even—“
Silence fell. Liam understood. Andrea, bored of her snack and coloring book, had followed Andrew into the living room, having caught the tail end of their conversation.
Andrea may only be a year and a half younger than Liam but she had already caught on to so much. She knew that Carina has several mental health diagnoses, not about the short and terrifying period after her birth.
Those four months had just about nearly broken Maya and Carina.
Andrea’s birth was not all peachy daisy as most mothers would have you believing. It was far from perfect.
Carina had persistent high blood pressure that always crept back up to preeclampsia territory every time labetalol was administered.
No amount of medication, pacing the length of labor and delivery, or resting did much to alleviate Carina’s rapidly deteriorating condition.
Carina was in and out of consciousness too much for Jo’s liking, heart rate kept plummeting, which ultimately led to an emergency c-section.
It was the last thing Maya was expecting. Nearly losing her wife and baby girl due to excessive blood loss, but Andrea came out screaming at the top of her lungs, completely unaware her mamma was fighting for her life.
Jo was not expecting a routine surgery to turn into a splenectomy, shocked as to how Carina had gone so long like this. Had she been showing symptoms of a ruptured spleen? Was Carina’s fluctuating blood pressure a sign?
Maya didn’t know. None of them did.
Carina had gone septic in only a matter of hours following Andrea’s traumatic birth. Suddenly Maya felt all alone, too scared to parent two tiny babies all by herself.
Luckily she had a team full of firefighters and doctors stepping up to help at a moment’s notice.
By some miracle Carina’s case was moderate, not severe enough to be moved into intensive care but still worrisome. Maybe it was the c-section or ruptured spleen turned sepsis that instilled a dark fear in Carina.
Even as she made a slow but sure recovery, Maya knew something was amiss. The blonde noticed little things in the first few weeks of them being home as a family of four.
A struggle to connect and bond with Andrea.
Difficulty nursing.
Quick to frustration.
Maya had thought Carina was having another relapse but she had remained diligent in taking her medications religiously at the same time every single day.
Then it became more obvious. Delirious from barely sleeping in between feedings, moods changing at the drop of a dime on top of being disoriented half the time.
Carina was barely functioning, leaving Maya deeply concerned not only for her wife but Andrea as well.
All her symptoms finally clicked into place in the most frightening way just days after Andrea turned three months old. Maya was on a part time schedule, due to return to active duty two weeks after.
The blonde had crept into the shared home shortly after two in the morning, carefully removing her boots and placing them aside.
A chilling feeling coursed through Maya, telling her something was wrong. Really wrong.
Maya crept up the stairs, careful not to wake anyone. She quickly checked in on Liam who was asleep a few doors down from the main bedroom.
Her heart settled, finding Liam asleep in his crib, stars and moon nightlight shining bright, a soft plush lamb tucked under one arm.
Maya backed out quietly, leaving the door slightly ajar in case he woke up.
Each step Maya took towards the master bedroom solidified the pit in her stomach.
Carina wasn’t in bed and Andrea was nowhere to be seen.
And then Maya heard it. Faint whimpering coming from out back. Heart slamming against her chest at a million miles, Maya raced down the stairs, throwing open the door.
“No!”
Maya took off running in Carina’s direction as her wife headed towards the pool. She took a now wailing Andrea from Carina who appeared to be in a sort of trance.
Andrea continued to cry and scream until her voice went hoarse while Maya half dragged, half walked a dazed Carina back inside.
It took a while, nearly a half hour, but Maya got Andrea fed and settled into a bassinet placed in the family room.
“Amore—“ Carina’s body shook with fear.
Maya did not utter a word, pulling Carina tightly into her, tears streaming down her cheeks.
“You scared the hell out of me, Carina,” Maya’s head shook. “Something happened tonight and it can’t be ignored.”
“It is almost three in the morning, Maya!” the Italian’s voice suddenly became low and venomous. “You have no idea what I went through!”
“You nearly hurt yourself and Andrea!”
“Why on Earth would you care?” Carina hissed, pushing away from Maya all of a sudden, clearly offended. “You wouldn’t understand. She isn’t real!”
Silence. Dead silence. There it was.
She isn’t real.
Three words that Maya knew something was deeply wrong.
After much back and forth in hushed tones, Maya had sedated Carina much to her dismay, carrying her limp body back upstairs to bed.
From there it was an uphill and long journey.
Postpartum psychosis.
Carina had voluntarily checked herself into a mental health facility in Bellevue for two weeks. Maya had all but expected her to be vehemently against treatment, only to be genuinely proud that Carina wanted to get well and be the mother Andrea needed.
No one warned Maya that healing is not linear. Everyone goes at their own pace, and this was something that she would support Carina through, no matter how dark and scary her thoughts became.
“Mamma is still Mamma to us,” Liam giggled, Andrea following suit.
“Just cause she’s sick, it doesn’t make her different,” Andrea held both her thumbs up, lightening the mood considerably. “We love her lots and lots.”
“Lots and lots, huh?” Andrew wiggled his eyebrows.
“To the moon and back!”
Sunday night came too quick for Carina. Days that she had grown to appreciate even if it was only forty eight hours. But it was not the pleasant weekend she had envisioned.
When Maya came by that night after dinner, she was expecting to see Carina. Maya still had a spare key for emergencies so she let herself in, finding Andrew in the spacious den playing Mario Party Jamboree.
Liam had set his controller down when he spotted Maya. He frowned, turning to Andrew and hugging him tightly, laughing at something he said. Then it was Andrea before both children raced to get their shoes on.
“I was hoping to catch Carina and invite her to Liam’s spring recital on Wednesday,” Maya tilted her head slightly, sensing a shift in the atmosphere.
Andrew looked between his niece and nephew then up the stairs. Thankfully Liam was helping Andrea tie her shoes.
“Carina hasn’t come downstairs at all since yesterday afternoon,” he fixed the battalion chief with a pointed glare. “She knows that something is wrong with Liam and Drea. You need to fix it, Bishop or you are only going to fuck up even more.”
Maya paled at that, having been caught with her tail between her legs. Guilt and shame flooded her entire body.
A good part of Maya was still bitter and angry about how the divorce played out, including Carina’s secretive behavior and relapse with her schizophrenia.
All Maya wanted was answers, why her ex wife was and is still being secretive. And she hated herself for weaponizing Carina’s mental health against her.
“You don’t know what we went through,” Maya growled, angrily grabbing Andrea and Liam’s overnight weekend bags. “What the hell Carina has been through. Let alone put me through leading up to the divorce.”
“Please enlighten me then because all it sounds like is you are alienating and pitting two innocent kids against their mamma,” Andrew called Maya out, shocking the blonde. “Is that what you want? To have Liam and Andrea hate Carina for something completely out of her control?”
Maya had no rebuttal for his argument. For fucks sake Andrew was right. What was her endgame in doing all this?
Who was she trying to hurt?
Herself?
Carina?
Liam?
Andrea?
Maybe it was all of the above. Because at the end of the day, Carina is their mother and she deserves to be treated as such instead of acting like a middle school bully.
She sheepishly bid Andrew a goodnight with hopes of seeing him and Carina join her in going to Liam’s school for the first grade spring recital.
Liam had been talking nonstop about the event, practicing his lines twice, even three times a day. Almost always with Maya, Carina, or Ben. Especially Miranda who had a knack for school performances.
After all, both Pru and Liam were in the same class so it only seemed right to work together. Plus Liam got to show off doing backflips.
When Maya arrived back at her apartment later, she carried a sleeping Andrea up into the building while juggling both bags.
Liam trailed right behind not making small talk or cracking jokes like he usually does. Because this time something sat heavily in his heart.
Maya had spoken maliciously about Carina to their own children in an attempt to prove that the Italian was unfit to be their mamma.
Something about Andrew’s words stuck with the blonde long after getting Liam and Andrea situated in bed for the night.
She sat cross legged on her bed, phone in front of her as if willing for someone to message.
Is that what you want? To have Liam and Andrea hate Carina for something completely out of her control?
Maya thought long and hard about what Andrew had said. He was right. The blonde gained absolutely nothing from multiple attempts at alienating Liam and Andrea from Carina.
It did not help Maya that she always felt this immediate and intense guilt with each instance.
Those kids deserve to have both parents instead of one.
It wasn’t fair to Liam, to Andrea, let alone Carina.
[Andrew DeLuca] Carina is really hurt, Maya. You of all people should know our history with Vincenzo. She’s suffered enough as it is growing up with that man.
Maya’s thumbs hovered over the screen, knowing once again that Andrew was right. She thought about it before typing a response and hitting send.
[Maya Bishop] You don’t think I know that? Everyday I live with that guilt of Carina hating my guts. Liam avoided me as soon as we got home.
Liam was sharp for his age, attentive to his surroundings. Maya’s guess was that Andrew had told him about Carina and schizophrenia. Not that she blamed Andrew.
The blonde also had a hunch that Andrea knew as well.
Maya pulled up Carina’s contact, staring longingly at the photo attached. It was one of many from a Christmas party they had two years ago.
The first time either Liam and Andrea saw Gabriella in two years. Maya remembers that day all too well. Carina had ended up with cookie frosting on the tip of her nose, laughing with joy.
She sent a quick text, hoping her ex wife would reply.
[Maya Bishop] I know you probably do not want to hear from me but Liam is having his spring recital this weekend. We would love for you to come.
Maya stared at the screen for a long time, watching the text bubble appear then disappear multiple times until one single response came through.
[Carina DeLuca] 👍
A deep sigh. This wasn’t like Carina to respond as such. She usually had lots of enthusiasm but something felt off.
Maya eventually turned in for the night, groaning once she realized the time.
11:48PM
Not that she had anywhere important to be on Monday as it was her day off. Katherine normally did school drop offs but was thankful for the reprieve.
Something had fundamentally shifted in both children, especially Liam in the days leading up to the spring recital. He barely spoke to Maya, giving out one worded responses, sometimes not saying a single word.
Liam stopped saying his cheerful good mornings which usually came in the form of sing song voices. Andrea, as if sensing the tension, remained her usual self though she was a bit more timid around Maya.
[Maya Bishop] I don’t mean to ask but were Liam and Andrea okay this weekend?
Maya felt like she had no right to ask Andrew of this. For Christ sake there was clear and evident tension between the three adults.
Maya. Carina. Andrew.
[Andrew DeLuca] What do you expect?
Of course she expected it. Anger, silence, tension. Maya just wasn’t sure where Liam was at exactly.
Maya had decided to keep Liam and Andrea home the day before, informing Ross that there was a family emergency. At first the Fire Chief was annoyed that Maya was calling out on such short notice but once the matter was explained, Ross gave Maya the remainder of the week off on the condition she be able to work from home.
She immediately jumped at the opportunity.
But what concerned Maya the most was that she had not heard a peep from Carina since inviting her via text to Liam’s spring recital.
Only from Andrew and according to him, it wasn’t good. Carina had been a no show at work, her patients being handed off to Jo and another OB attending.
Carina was barely leaving bed, refusing any morsel of food and water. Sustenance that fueled Carina’s body to keep going.
Andrew had a feeling this was another relapse but was too soon to tell.
“Morning, bud,” Maya put her phone face down as he dragged his feet down the hall towards the kitchen.
Liam shrugged, grabbing a banana from the fruit bowl before retreating to watch television.
“Liam?”
“Hm?”
“I think we need to talk.”
“I don’t want to,” he shrugged, taking a bite of a banana.
“Why not?”
Liam ignored Maya, finishing his fruit before turning to look Maya in the eyes. He was angry from the way his eyebrows furrowed.
“You were mean to Mamma,” Liam raised his voice an octave, anger rising. “You said a bunch of mean stuff about her to me and Drea.”
“I didn’t—“
“Yes you did!” Liam shot up from the sofa, his show going abandoned. “You told me that she’s dangerous! That she tried to hurt Drea!”
“It’s not what you’re thinking,” Maya hung her head in defeat. How was she supposed to explain to Liam what happened that night with Andrea?
Hey, your Mamma tried drowning herself and Andrea in the pool when she was a few months old. She had to go to a special hospital to get better.
“Zio told us the truth,” and with that Liam stomped back off to his room, slamming the door shut.
The loud noise caused a few picture frames to rattle on the wall, forcing Andrea awake. She emerged from her own bedroom rubbing her eyes which were evident with tears.
“Too loud, Mommy,” Andrea whined, reaching out for the blonde to be picked up. When Maya held her close, Andrea let out a soft sigh. “Is Liam mad?”
“He is, Drea,” Maya answered truthfully, voiced laced with regret. “At me because of what I told you both about Mamma.”
“Mamma is still Mamma,” she yawned, small arms wrapping around Maya’s neck. “But you were a big meanie to her.”
Maya swallowed the vomit that threatened to come up. Not only was Liam angry and upset with the blonde but so was Andrea.
Whatever was going on between Maya and Carina was clearly harming Liam and Andrea in pretty significant ways. Two small kids who clearly loved their mamma calling out the other parent for saying things that are not true.
In the moment Maya wanted to turn the children against Carina out of malice, for all the pain and deceit caused. Maya hated that she broke the very promise she made, weaponizing Carina’s mental illnesses.
Part of the blonde wanted Liam and Andrea terrified to the point that neither wanted anything to do with Carina anymore, essentially going no contact permanently.
Nothing Maya did to pit the kids against Carina made her feel remotely better. In fact it made Maya feel like the worst person on this planet.
Setting aside her deep hatred for herself, Maya went about making breakfast, deciding to take Liam and Andrea late to school. After all, it was the day before the big show.
Even when Maya got Liam and Andrea off to school, she felt this immense void. Nothing she did around the apartment quelled her feelings.
Cleaning the apartment from top to bottom, washing every single dish by hand, even going for an eight mile run did nothing to make Maya feel better. In fact by the time she picked up Liam and Andrea from school, Maya Bishop felt infinitely worse.
“Mommy?” Liam wandered into Maya’s bedroom later that night, nervously fiddling with his fingers.
“What’s up, Liam?”
“Do you still love Mamma?”
Maya’s mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, leaving her completely speechless. Her cheeks flushed a bright red.
“I—“
“You do!” Liam exclaimed pointedly. “But you still don’t have to be mean to her.”
“I know, bud,” her shoulders deflated in defeat, eyes shining with tears. “I know bud, she doesn’t deserve me at all.”
“Then you have to say sorry,” Liam moved back towards the door, not facing Maya any longer. “Mamma still loves you even when you hurt her.”
Then silence.
Liam was right. She had to make amends to Carina, for harming her by filling Liam and Andrea’s minds with lies.
Maybe the spring recital would be the beginning of a new slate. Oh, how tragically wrong she was…
From the moment Maya woke up the morning of Liam’s big day, a deep seed of dread planted itself in Maya’s stomach. All her senses were heightened as if waiting for the other shoe to drop.
A buzz. Oh, who was texting Maya at half past seven in the morning? School didn’t start for another hour.
[Andrew DeLuca] Something is up with Carina for sure. I don’t know. She’s finally out of bed, actually eating and eerily calm.
Huh. That was odd of Carina. She hadn’t experienced this level of persistent depression. It happened somewhere in the process of Carina getting diagnosed with postpartum psychosis and eight weeks after returning home following intensive treatment in Bellevue.
This feeling of worry did not let up as Maya went about her morning.
Maya had also extended an invite to everyone from Nineteen to watch Liam perform alongside his entire second grade class. Jack wouldn’t miss it for the world. Vic had already volunteered with the school to take video. Travis had helped Liam rehearse one last time.
Just a small gathering of close family, people who had supported Maya and Carina while continuing to do so.
Because that is what made a family.
Andrea tried feigning illness to get out of going to school, wanting to be there to support her big brother while cheering.
Maya almost contemplated letting Andrea skip just this one day but remembered their plan to surprise Carina by inviting her out to eat.
Liam was more reserved than usual, but happy nonetheless to see his mamma again. Andrea was excited just to be able to spend a good part of the day with both her mothers.
[Maya Bishop] Tell her the kids have a surprise?
Maya did not elaborate further. Finally the trio made their way to the school, Maya failing in engaging small talk with Liam.
He was a bundle of nerves at the moment and she did not blame him.
The school’s auditorium filled with dozens of families waiting for the recital to begin. Andy, Vic, Jack and Travis were up front having saved some spots. Maya gave a quick but quiet greetings to Ben and Miranda.
Both were a bit more closer to Carina especially more than ever after the divorce. Maya understood there was still some lingering anger.
She accepted it.
Andrew was there but Maya didn’t see Carina with him. That’s when Maya scanned rows upon rows of parents until she caught sight of Carina off in the distance leaning against a wall.
Maybe it was lack of sleep but she swore Carina was in tears. Their eyes met briefly before Carina turned away.
Hurt. Pain. Betrayal.
Maya saw it all. And something suddenly broke.
She regretted the divorce. Regretted putting Liam and Andrea in the middle in a bitter attempt to get them to fear Carina. All of it.
Kids assembled on stage with several teachers pointing out cues. Liam stood front and center, smiling from ear to ear. Whatever pep talk Andrew must have given seemed to give Liam a much needed confidence boost.
Maya could not help herself by occasionally glancing over towards Carina. She was smiling, like an actual full on smile that reached both ears.
“I will never forgive myself, my love…” she whispered to herself, wondering what Carina was thinking of at that moment.
Half way through the recital was a brief intermission allowing for a small break. Maya hung back, watching Carina hug Liam tight to her chest, letting both have a mother and son moment.
She didn’t want to break their peace with her shame and regret.
“— want you to visit more.” Maya caught bits and pieces of their conversation from a distance.
Liam was bouncing head to toe with glee, itching to tell Carina about a big surprise. Carina just nodded along.
Maybe it was longing Maya could see in her eyes but something felt wrong. Carina was hinting at something but the blonde could not put her finger on it.
Andrew, too, felt a shift in Carina.
The rest of the recital carried on, kids dancing and singing along to the choreography. Vic snapped several different angles of Liam while simultaneously cheering him on.
No one from Nineteen knew this would be the last time in nearly nine months they would hear from Carina Elisabetta DeLuca.
Especially Maya…
Near the end of the performance, Maya was able to flag down Jenna, a kind woman in her early fifties who handled attendance.
Jenna had been made aware of possibly checking Andrea out early following the recital, having already done the process.
Andrea stood just behind backpack bouncing up and down from the five year old’s joy.
Liam spotted Carina real quick, rushing into her waiting arms. He was too excited and proud to notice the tears silently rolling down Carina’s cheeks.
“I did it Mamma!” Liam giggled, his light curly brown hair bounced. “I was scared at first but having you here was so amazing.”
All Carina could muster up was a tearful nod, silently reaching into her coat pocket and carefully pressing it into Liam’s palms.
“Dallo alla mamma, vuoi, mio dolce bambino?”
“Ma perché?” his mood suddenly changing, tears threatening to spill.
Carina was full on silently sobbing by this point. She hated how this was happening, quite possibly fracturing not only Liam’s trust but Andrea was well, maybe even permanently.
“Per favore, fallo per la mamma…”
And suddenly she was lost in the crowd, disappearing amongst other parents gathered around their respective children.
Liam just stood there in shock, clutching the crème envelope with a sealed wax stamp close. He found Maya not too far from where he was.
“Hey!” Maya gushed with joy, her face quickly faltering upon noticing his red eyes. “You did— what’s wrong?”
Liam shakily held out the letter with both hands as if it were a sacred treasure.
“Mamma said to give it to you…” his voice hiccuped with tears, Andrew pulling him in for a hug. “I think she left us.”
Andrew raised an eyebrow, Maya giving him a confused look. She carefully peeled the wax seal loose, nearly passing out from shock on the spot.
I’m sorry. Don’t come looking for me.
Maya recognized Carina’s neat cursive writing anywhere. Seven words. Each word sending sharp blades into her heart.
Carina was gone and she had no idea where. Maya read it over and over even as crowds began to disperse. She felt overwhelmed all of a sudden, struggling to breath.
Ben could see fear and panic in Maya’s eyes. The note fluttered towards the ground, Miranda grabbing it right away.
“This does not sound like Carina,” Miranda shook her head. “She was very cryptic in her writing.”
“What makes you say that?” came the question from Andrew who took said note, scanning for any clues.
“She—“ Maya shook her head, struggling to speak as panic consumed her. The edges of her vision began to blur, blackening at the edges.
So many familiar faces forming a protective circle around Maya did not help calm her down, in fact making everything worse.
Then her body collapsed into Ben, nearly taking him down with her.
When Maya came to, the sky was already dark, finding herself in a clean and sterile place.
This wasn’t home…
Maya sat up straight, blinking away the fog in her eyes. She was in a general room at Grey Sloan.
That is when Maya found not only Andrew but Gabriella. Huh. When had she gotten here?
“What—“
“You had a panic attack at the school,” Andrew started off, his expression dark and solemn. “When we brought you in, you broke the noses of two nurses and had to be sedated.”
Every memory from the last forty eight hours hit Maya like a tsunami.
“Where is she?” Maya blurted right away.
Gabriella and Andrew exchanged tearful but silent words, knowing Maya would find out sooner or later.
“She disappeared without a trace,” accent thick and heavy from tears, Gabriella showed her a text thread. “Police put out a statewide alert. Every morgue, hospital, and shelters have her picture and description but—“
“But what?”
“Police say there is no evidence of foul play,” Andrew chimed in. “Carina’s phone, wallet, and car are all at the house. The only things she took was a framed photo in the den and seventy grand in cash from her safe.”
Maya closed her eyes, falling back into bed as tears shook her body violently.
“No—“
“We will find her,” Gabriella offered sympathetically.
“How?” Maya’s voice was low, almost venomous. “You have no idea what the fuck I went through for eighteen months and now my ex wife disappeared into thin air with close to a hundred grand in cash!”
“Maya—“ Andrew pinched the bridge of his nose, voice filled with warning.
“Carina relapsed as a result of lord knows what and stopped all medications!” Maya threw her hands up in defeat, effectively silencing everyone.
Gabriella was one other person besides Andrew, Ben, and Miranda who was constantly kept in the loop regarding Carina when it came to her mental health.
Out of respect for Carina’s privacy and her direct wishes, Maya did not disclose to Gabriella what happened and why until Carina had been discharged.
And then it all clicked into place for Gabriella. The three months of silence from Carina, communication barely made.
There were no grudges after Maya elaborated every detail.
Liam and Andrea knew something was wrong. Every single day both asked Maya where Carina was. Each time Maya had to come up with a fib on the spot and say she was working a lot, which was not a lie technically.
Letters sent to Carina’s address went unanswered hoping she would return despite Andrew living there. Gabriella struggled with returning home to Italy but when it was made clear Carina was nowhere to be found, a monumental decision was made.
She packed up her life into several suitcases and made the move to Seattle in hopes Carina would come home.
But one month became two, and two months became three. Instead of constant questioning, Liam and Andrea woke up multiple times a night blaming themselves for Carina’s disappearance.
Each time both asked Maya if the reason Carina left was because of them. Multiple times where Maya had to gently reassure Liam and Andrea that Carina leaving was in no way their fault.
“I should not have told you both hurtful things about Mamma,” Maya admitted one instance, Liam having curled up on one side of the blonde, Andrea taking up the remaining space. “It was not nice and she deserves so much kindness, love, and respect.”
Oh, how any single one of them would do anything to hear Carina’s cheerful voice again.
Maya couldn’t continue on like a zombie. Life had to eventually move on with or without Carina.
Eventually the small family fell into a comfortable routine that fit perfectly. Maya would quiz Liam playfully on each week’s spelling words, whereas Andrea would prefer to read one book a day all by herself with no help.
Maya remained hopeful that Carina would return one day, tuning out questions about where she was.
Truth be told, the blonde was growing rather annoyed by her team and friends asking if she was okay.
One source of comfort for Maya was twice weekly therapy appointments with Diane where she could openly and freely talk without judgment on her feelings.
Not once did Diane admonish Maya for her actions towards Carina, understanding that said actions came from a place of anger and guilt.
Maya learned to function, eventually coming to accept that Carina could choose to forgive her or move on.
Even as the weeks went by and Seattle gave way from summer weather into fall, Maya, Liam, and Andrea just hoped that wherever Carina was that she was happy, healthy, and thriving.
November 21st was a day that would forever alter the way of many lives. Maya had just gotten out of back to back department meetings, deciding to stop by Grey Sloan hoping to catch either Andrew or Gabriella.
What Maya did not expect was to find numerous hushed whispers, primarily about her. Ben found Maya headed towards the elevator, grabbing her by the elbow and dragging her to one of several attending lounge rooms.
“I got a call,” Ben started off, Maya’s eyes going wide with worry.
“Did the police find her?” Maya spoke with worry in one rushed tone.
“Not necessarily—“ he pushed both hands into his white coat, sighing deeply. “Carina called me. She’s at a residential mental health facility in Aspen.”
“Colorado?”
Ben nodded.
“Carina asked for both of us.”
Maya nearly burst into tears on the spot. Part of her was relieved to know that Carina was in fact not dead, but alive. Though one question nagged at her.
Why was Carina over eighteen hours away in Colorado? She had no ties or connections to anyone in the state.
“Andrew and Gabriella have the kids handled,” Ben was already on the move, grabbing Maya’s keys. “It’s a long drive to Aspen and you are in no condition to do so.”
“Right.”
Both had made a quick pit stop at Maya’s, changing into more comfortable clothing. Ben already had an overnight bag waiting in the car.
Maya just needed to pack something light.
Ben was finally back on the road headed towards a cold and snowy Aspen.
“I was so angry in the beginning after we got divorced that I told Liam and Andrea lies,” Maya opened up about five hours into the drive. “I told our kids that Carina was dangerous, that she nearly hurt Andrea in a postpartum psychosis induced episode.”
“She told me the two of you were fighting about a lot but did not elaborate,” Ben held his tongue, careful about his words.
Maya had no idea that Carina had been in contact with Ben for the past three months. It was not his place to tell but Carina had opened up to him about past and recent trauma.
“I’m not proud of it,” Maya choked on a bout of tears. “And I respect Carina’s decision if she chooses not to forgive me. I broke our promise by hurting the woman I still am madly in love with.”
Eyes wide with realization, Maya clamped a hand over her mouth. Had she really said that last part aloud?
“That’s a step in the right direction, admitting out loud to your mistakes,” Ben pulled into a gas station, stopping at a pump closest to the exit. “And if there is one thing I know about Carina is that with time, I know she will forgive you.”
Maya felt a flutter of hope in her chest, a smile beginning to form. Maybe this wasn’t the end of the road for her and Carina.
There was a sliver of hope. A sort of comfort in Ben’s words.
After three stops for gas, food, and little breaks, Ben drove into Aspen just after the first rays of sun came through. Maya woke up, glancing at the dashboard.
It was barely eight in the morning.
Maya took in the scenery of Colorado. Small mountain town with homey vibes. It was just short of November’s end, some Thanksgiving decorations giving way to Christmas ahead.
Light snowfall painted the town in soft white snow, many people bundled for the season.
Ben kept driving towards a more private and quiet area of Aspen as residences became far and fewer. It wasn’t until they reached a long pathway lined with cobblestone did Maya see the brick signage.
Aspen Residential Recovery
“How long—“
“All in due time, Bishop.” Ben parked in a guest spot, turning off the engine. “You ready?”
“She’s going to hate me.”
Ben turned to face Maya, resting a hand on her knee.
“That is farther than you think,” he spoke with sincerity. Maya just nodded.
For almost ten minutes Maya sat in the passenger seat just focusing on her breathing and doing everything in her power to remain calm.
“I’m ready.”
Both firefighter and doctor exited the car, Ben grabbing Maya’s hand, giving a gentle squeeze.
The main lobby appeared straight out of a luxury resort. Marbled from top to bottom while remaining a clinical setting.
“You must be Benjamin Warren?” a petite woman with jet black hair greeted.
“Doctor Asher,” Ben shook the woman’s hand while Maya looked on in confusion.
The blonde was not sure if she could handle another lie.
Maya was under the impression Carina had only just now reached out to Ben but by judging how easily conversation flowed between him and Doctor Asher proved otherwise.
“How long?” Maya pushed Ben.
Ben saw a brief flash of anger then quickly replaced by something else entirely.
Understanding.
“Closer to three months,” he confessed, getting signed in, handing a visitors badge to Maya. “Carina asked me not to tell you until she was ready.”
“Oh.”
Doctor Asher led Maya and Ben past patient rooms in the acute ward, past high security until they reached a set of double doors labeled Havens Ward.
“What is this place?” Maya was not sure who she was asking. Doctor Asher? Ben?
“It’s a long story, Ms—“ Doctor Asher began, only to be cut off by Maya.
“Maya is fine.”
“Carina is in room 118 just beyond these doors,” facing Maya, Asher kept her voice leveled. “She has made great strides since checking herself in eight months ago.”
Maya wanted to be swallowed whole at that moment. Had she not hurt Carina by weaponizing her mental health, maybe, just maybe would she not be in this position.
But to hear that Carina voluntarily admitted herself provided Maya with a glimmer of hope.
“You’re her psychiatrist?” Maya was curious, or maybe the woman was one of many at Aspen Residential Recovery.
“You are correct,” Doctor Asher nodded, leading her and Ben past several patient rooms until coming to a halt. “Nadia Asher. Though I think it would be best that you hear directly from her about the why.”
Ben let out a low whistle, all too familiar with the ward Carina was currently in. Soft but warm colors, maternity posters placed strategically throughout. There was even a common space for other patients to socialize, a sizable kitchen right across despite there being a cafe where meals were served.
He had only been here three weeks ago. Halloween.
Maya was still just as confused as to why Carina was in a maternity wing of a residential treatment facility.
Her question was answered when the trio stopped in front of a room, name card clear on the side accompanied by a second.
DeLuca, Carina [Mother]
DeLuca, Fiamma [Daughter, newborn]
Fiamma. Who the hell is Fiamma? What is going on?
“Before I leave you both to it there is one thing I would like to disclose,” Nadia kept her voice professional, smiling softly. “Carina has made significant progress and I think what you, Maya, are about to see is a testament compared to when she came to us all those months ago.”
Maya visibly frowned at the memory. The day Carina left right after Liam’s spring recital, leaving their son with a cryptic note.
Only to find Carina eighteen hours away in a completely different state.
“Ready?” Ben took Maya’s hands into his, rubbing the back of her knuckles with both thumbs.
“I don’t think I will ever be ready.”
“You have me in your corner, Maya.”
Doctor Asher knocked briefly on the door, a soft “come in” was heard from the other side.
Maya could hear her heart beating in her ears as Ben pushed forward into the room. She was awestruck by how much different Carina looked.
Glowing skin, brown eyes sparkling immensely with life, hair cut shortly to the top of her shoulder blades. But what really caught Maya by surprise was the newborn baby wide awake, emerald green eyes studying every inch of her mamma’s face.
Carina was swaying gently while humming a gentle lullaby, stopping in her tracks upon seeing Maya in close to nine months.
“You came,” tears shining bright, Carina moved to sit on the edge of her bed.
As if her body were on autopilot, Maya took one step at a time until she was sat next to the Italian.
Ben ventured further in, taking a seat in a glider chair positioned close to a crib. For a while no one spoke.
Maya didn’t know what to say, instead looking as the small bundle swaddled in Carina’s arms.
“Mi dispiace di essermene andato in quel modo,” Carina carefully balanced her daughter in one arm, the other moving to wrap around her shoulders. “And I am perfectly okay with you never wanting anything to do with me again.”
The blonde gently hushed Carina by placing a finger on her lips.
“I’m not mad,” Maya was honest, searching for any signs of guarded tension. “I mean I was for a good while but eventually I learned to forgive you and understand your choices.”
Carina just nodded. Then she closed her eyes, focusing on her breathing and grounding herself for what came next.
“Andrea never knew that Vincenzo had moved to Tacoma,” her voice cracked in the beginning, growing more confident and stable as she continued on. “For weeks the visits were constantly happening. Mostly a couple of hours until they grew to everyday that branched into long weekends.”
Maya’s blood boiled at the mention of the devil incarnate, Vincenzo DeLuca.
“He wasn’t here to be closer to us but to torture me,” Carina scoffed, gently rocking in place when the baby began to fuss. “Vincenzo’s reasoning for being in Washington state besides seeing his children? Yet another “groundbreaking research” on a pill that can be used to track if a patient has been taking their medication.”
“What the hell?” Maya squeaked, causing the baby to whimper softly.
“Shhh, mia piccola Fiamma, la mamma è qui,” Carina cooed softly, peppering her baby girl with kisses. “Can you get me the pacifier in Fia’s crib, Ben?”
“Happy to help,” he grabbed a pastel purple pacifier with a little teddy bear printed on the front.
Taking the comforting item from Ben, Carina gently nudged the item against Fiamma’s lips who started sucking soothingly, settling back down.
Now that Fiamma was comfortable with a pacifier, Carina knew she had to get this out in the open to Maya.
“Each trial always ended horrifically,” rolling her eyes, Carina pulled back from Maya to finally look her ex wife in the eyes. “The relapse I had? Not taking my medication? The voices?”
“All because of Vincenzo,” Maya concluded.
“Sì,” heart heavy with sadness, Carina powered on. “Every single visit Vincenzo would find a way into my office, the skills lab, or watching from the gallery if I was in the middle of a c-section. He criticized every minuscule thing I did and berate me for fucking up.”
“That piece of shit,” Maya muttered under her breath, only Carina and Ben heard, nodding their agreement.
“Multiple natural births and he would try and position himself between myself and the patients by saying the baby was breached or showing signs of fetal deceleration,” Carina remained stoic despite Ben shooting her concerned glances.
“You can stop if you want to take a break,” he suggested, only to be waived off.
“Nonsense,” Carina held Fiamma close just as her eyes fluttered close, already snoring softly in sleep. “Fia nursed not long before you both got here.”
Maya couldn’t help but study the baby’s features. She definitely had Carina’s cheekbones, dimples, all the way to her hair.
No one addressed the elephant in the room.
“Back to what I was saying, Vincenzo would scream at me after every delivery,” Carina rocked in place to lull her daughter into a deep sleep. “He accused me of nearly killing every single one of those mothers. Calling me unfit, that I should lose my license.”
“He did a lot worse?”
“Worse is an understatement, Maya,” Carina attempted to joke, shaking her head in slight disapproval. “Catastrophic. Vincenzo tried to use my schizophrenia against me by telling patients loudly that I am unstable.”
Maya kept the small details of Vincenzo and Tacoma pocketed away, knowing that a friend of hers there owes her a plethora of favors.
“Unstable, dangerous, and violent were only a handful of the insults Vincenzo threw at me,” tears rolled silently down Carina’s cheeks. “I began to believe every single one. Maybe I was unstable, maybe I am untrustworthy of being around patients.”
“Hey, that’s not true,” Maya cupped Carina’s tear stained cheeks in her hands. “You are trustworthy. You are kind. You are compassionate about your job and that is one thing I will commend you for.”
A small smile begins to form, heart warming from hearing such kindness.
“I started making small mistakes here and there,” Carina cradled a now sound asleep Fiamma, focusing on the steady rise and fall of her tiny chest. “Jo began to catch on, leading her to lessen my workload by splitting half my patients with a few OB attendings.”
“Part of the reason why you relapsed,” Maya put two and two together.
“As if Vincenzo’s cruelty was not enough, something else had been going on for months,” Carina handed off Fiamma to Ben, holding her close. “One of the male psych nurses developed a dark obsession with me.”
“From Bellevue?”
Carina nodded.
“He must have gotten a hold of my records from the hospital or bribed someone because next thing I knew he had transferred to Grey Sloan,” Carina turned a ghostly white recounting the horrible memories. “Gregory Reid.”
Ben bit the inside of his cheeks hard enough to draw a bit of blood, the sharp metallic taste hitting him full force.
“Something about me intrigued him from day one, maybe it was the fact I’m a mental health patient diagnosed with schizophrenia,” Carina felt repulsed, bringing up a horrible trauma. But she had been prepared for this very conversation. “Gregory used that fact to his advantage.”
Maya growled low and dangerously, calculating the risks if she were to get ahold of this Gregory Reid person.
“He said that no one, not even nurses I’ve known since becoming a part of Grey Sloan, would believe me,” Carina paused, using one of many coping strategies she learned to stabilize her erratic heartbeat. “At first it started off with cornering me in blind spots, threatening me if I did not do what he wanted.”
“The missing fentanyl,” Ben summed it up, Carina confirming yet again with a nod.
“OxyContin too,” she added. “That was only after the head of pharmacology went ahead with an audit. The investigation dragged on for close to a month before it came up as an internal error in their system.”
“That fucker knows someone in IT who kept it hidden,” Ben shook his head in disbelief. “Gregory probably knows that individual personally or they were paid off to look the other way.”
“He was selling,” Maya guessed after putting every bit of information together. “And the same thing happened with the OxyContin.”
Carina let the tears flow freely, pressing a hand over her mouth to stifle the heartbreaking sobs.
“I tried to report Gregory and what he was forcing me to do but used my mental health history to keep me compliant,” Maya had pulled Carina impossibly close to herself, arms wrapped tightly around her. “And the worst happened.”
“He raped you.”
“Multiple times up until the beginning of March,” Carina closed her eyes, breathing in the scent of Maya’s cranberry lavender body spray, finding great comfort in the smell. “Helm was the first to know that something was seriously wrong. Millin clocked it from a mile away. Jo had always been suspicious of Gregory.”
Maya was seething with earth shattering rage, willing to tear Seattle apart building by building in search of Gregory.
“Police caught Gregory near the border trying to enter Canada with five bags of pills, a couple kilos of cocaine, and seven cases full of fentanyl,” Carina felt her chest ease up, finding speaking out against her abusers cathartic. “The FBI took over by that point and charged him with conspiracy to commit drug trafficking with the intent to sell.”
Maya breathed a sigh of relief but was short lived.
“In his confessing to the drug related crimes, Gregory bragged to agents about the multiple sexual assaults,” she felt exhaustion creep into her body, choosing to power through the last stretch. “It was not until I was at Aspen Residential Recovery for six months and collapsing in the middle of yoga did I find out about the pregnancy.”
“And that is when I came into contact,” Ben got up, gently placing a sleeping Fiamma in her crib. He then sat on Carina’s opposite side, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “Carina called me right away and I was on the next plane here to Aspen. She made me her contact person by that point.”
“Because you felt safest with Ben,” Maya concluded, Carina nodded. “That explains why me, let alone anyone else at Nineteen, rarely saw you.”
Ben clicked his tongue. “We wanted to tell you, believe me, but Carina was not quite ready.”
“I’m not mad,” Maya said right away, leaning into her ex wife.
“I know, amore mio. I know,” Carina was not sure how she was still awake given she had a newborn baby asleep just a few feet away. “I was just trying to process the discovery of a late stage pregnancy.”
“Fiamma,” Maya asked curiously, glancing towards a sleeping Fiamma. “If memory serves me right and my Italian is not rusty, her name translates to ‘flame’ and ‘little fire’?”
This made Carina’s heart leap with joy.
“Fia for short,” she was proud, even if Fiamma’s conception came from a traumatic experience. “Her name symbolizes so much in a world full of darkness and hatred.”
“And she is strong just like her mamma,” Ben chirped, earning a collective chuckle from both women.
“Carina is a fighter who found her way back to herself,” Maya complimented, only to be met with silence. “Carina?”
Carina had fallen asleep, body leaning heavily against Maya. With help from Ben, both got her tucked under the warm blankets.
Ben stayed with Carina before Maya exited the room, finding Doctor Asher speaking with two other psychiatrists in the patient's common space.
“I assume it wouldn’t be impossible for both me and Ben to stay the night with Carina?” Maya was hopeful, sounding just a bit too excited.
Doctor Asher smiled softly, pulling up Carina’s entire file on her laptop. “I will allow it just for today given Carina has been an exemplary patient despite two small setbacks.”
Maya wanted to tear up on the spot, instead she thanked the psychiatrist.
“She really has come a long way and I am very thankful for everything you have done,” the blonde thanked her again, knowing Carina was one step closer to coming home to Seattle.
“There is one thing before you go back,” Doctor Asher halted Maya with a hand around her wrist. “Carina voluntarily signed an agreement for ten months.”
Just like that Maya felt defeated.
“Her discharge is set for December 23rd,”
“One more month,” Maya sighed, feeling as if the next month was going to be longer than expected. “We can do that.”
Just thirty more days. Even then Maya wondered if Carina planned to make her stay in Colorado permanent or if she was intending to go back home to Seattle.
To Liam.
To Andrea.
To her annoying brother Andrew.
The rest of the day remained peacefully quiet, Fiamma waking every three hours for feedings, changes, including short wake windows.
Ben helped where he could while letting Carina rest as much as possible. Maya watched in awe how the Italian cared for Fiamma with grace.
Maya held the utmost respect, commending Carina for balancing care of her three week old daughter while partaking in group and individual therapy on a daily basis.
Doctor Asher was right.
Carina has made great strides since checking herself into Aspen Residential Recovery eight and a half months ago. And now she had a daughter who was just as strong and fierce as her mamma.
Despite years of abuse stemming from Vincenzo and months of hell endured from Gregory, Carina found herself again.
There would be days that Carina would dread, some harder than others. But knowing that Carina had a strong support system back in Seattle, Maya Bishop was sure she could endure thirty two more days.
Thirty two days to prepare Liam and Andrea for Carina’s return.
Thirty two days to figure out if she was going to tell Andrew and Gabriella why the person they cared dearly about left for Colorado.
But part of her wanted to hold back on that last one knowing that it was not her place to go into great lengths when it comes to Carina.
Regardless of what path they crossed, Maya and Ben would be there to catch Carina in case she fell.
Lights began to turn on outdoors, illuminating the beauty of Aspen at a late hour. Snow continued to fall lightly, some patients bundled up to enjoy the weather before it got too cold to be outside.
Carina had just put Fiamma down for the night, pulling up a carefully curated playlist of songs and lullabies on Spotify.
Fiamma curled both fists close to her face in sleep, snuggling in the warmth of her swaddle.
Ben had returned from picking up takeout that Carina had ordered.
“One more month,” he whistled, sitting down to eat. “Where are you going from there once you’ve completed treatment?”
Carina swallowed the bite of braised oxtail, dabbing at the corners of her mouth.
“I’m coming home,” she spoke with confidence, eyes not once leaving Maya. “My leaving suddenly and out of the blue was not fair to my bambini’s. They deserve to hear it from me.”
Maya nearly tore up at that. Part of her was dreading the reunion and how Liam and Andrea would react, not only to seeing Carina for the first time in months but also to having a baby sister.
Little was the blonde aware of this fierce and protective force for a child she barely had known for not even twenty four hours had begun to form.
“They aren’t mad, Carina,” Maya sat the container down, her katsu curry momentarily forgotten. “Liam and Andrea were really angry with me for the longest period. Then I got them into therapy and now both are understanding and hope everyday that you are happy and healthy.”
Carina blushed. Part of her was dreading the reunion. All sorts of possibilities swirled in her head.
Would they be mad?
Would Liam and Andrea be indifferent?
Would they have a tearful reunion like Carina had envisioned?
All sorts of possibilities that had Carina worrying. She wondered if Liam and Andrea missed her as much as she did them.
“One day at a time, Carina,” Ben reached for Carina’s hand, giving a soft squeeze. “It will take time but no matter what those kids still love you. And I know they will be gushing over Fiamma.
The remainder of their dinner was spent mostly chatting about nothing in particular. Maya couldn’t keep her eyes off Carina, noticing a different aura about her.
She seemed lighter, more confident than a year ago.
“You’re staring,” Carina gathered empty containers, disposing of them in a trash bin by her desk. “You only do that when you are deep in thought.”
Maya turned beet red.
“Just admiring how far you have come,” her smile softened. “You took initiative by getting help voluntarily. Vincenzo, Gregory, a relapse with schizophrenia. Despite going through literal hell, I am so incredibly proud of you Carina Elisabetta.”
Carina stopped in front of Fiamma’s crib, making sure she was still sound asleep. Sure enough soft snoring filled the room.
A deep blush spread across her face.
“A year ago you would have refused treatment, ending in being involuntarily committed to psych,” Ben gave Carina a gentle clap on the shoulder. “You would have shut everyone out and continued on denying anything was wrong. But now? You survived, are stronger and happier and have Fiamma.”
Carina wiped away the tears with the back of her hand, heart swelling with love and appreciation.
“I’m proud of myself,” she giggled through tears, trying her best to smile. “There are so many factors at this point that have me striving to be better but Fia here gave me a reason to keep going.”
“And we are ready to catch you even when the days become overwhelming,” Maya embraced Carina in a tight hug, rubbing soothing circles into her back. “No matter what, Carina, you can always call either me or Ben.”
“Grazie mille, Maya.”
Ben had gone to sleep on the grey futon bed an hour later.
Carina found herself curled up in bed with Maya holding her close. The Italian was struggling to sleep, but Maya’s strong and steady heartbeat was slowly lulling her to sleep.
Maya glanced at the digital clock on the desk.
9:48PM
“Maya?”
“Hm?”
“Will you come to the transitional meeting in two weeks?”
Maya smiled at being asked, honored that Carina chose her despite what both had gone through before and after the divorce.
Truth be told, Maya had been deeply angry, willing to do anything to hurt Carina even if it ended up harming both of them.
She understood that using Carina’s mental health against her was a low blow. And it was something that Maya would never forgive herself. Maybe some day but not now.
“I would be honored,” Maya’s eyes sparkled with hope, noting the dark circles and bags under Carina’s eyes. “Now get some sleep.”
“What about Fiamma?”
“Ben and I will take a few shifts so you can get some proper sleep,” Maya suggested, noticing the conflict in Carina’s eyes. “Only if you are okay with us helping.”
Carina just nodded against Maya’s chest, snuggling further into her embrace.
“There are a few bags of pumped breastmilk in my mini fridge inside my closet,” Carina made a sleepy motion towards a mahogany closet in the corner. “Fia will not go back to sleep unless you sing a lullaby.”
“Got it,” Maya pulled the thick blanket above their shoulders, leaning in to press a kiss to Carina’s forehead. “Now get some rest. I got this. So does Ben.”
Carina hummed a silent response, falling asleep a mere seconds later. Then her soft snoring echoed in the room.
Maya stayed awake another fifteen minutes before her eyes closed heavily with sleep, dreaming of the day she would bring Carina home.
They would take it one day at a time until discharge arrived.
Small occurrences were bound to happen, Carina having a bad day, becoming overwhelmed, emotions hitting at full force.
But Maya would be there. Ben as well.
And that was more than Carina ever wanted.