Archive of Our Own

“No big deal?”

“Yes, Eddie, it’s no big deal”

Eddie folded his arms across his chest and tapped his foot against the hospital floor impatiently, staring down at Buck with a stern expression – a hunched figure sat in front of him, averting his eyes elsewhere and trying to make himself as small as possible.

As Eddie meticulously cast his eyes over every inch of Buck, he found his attention was drawn to something new with every glance. Beyond the broken and swollen nose, Eddie saw a large bruise covering Buck’s upper arm that he’d never noticed before, a scratch mark that was already beginning to fade, and a set of teeth marks that had sunken into his forearm deep enough to break the skin.

Eddie bit at his bottom lip and sighed, his expression softening as he unfolded his arms and stuffed his hands into his pockets.

“Okay, the nurse will be in shortly with your discharge papers” The Doctor said bluntly, snapping Eddie out of his daze.

Eddie turned and nodded politely in the Doctor’s direction as she passed by in a hurry, clipboard in hand. When he was confident that she was out of earshot, Eddie turned his attention back towards Buck.

“Okay, now it’s your turn. You want to tell me what the hell is going on?” Eddie said, pointing towards the tapestry of bruises, bites and scratches that covered Buck’s arms.

“Really, Eddie, I already told you, it’s no big deal. We were watching Nacho Libre, he got a little inspired, his aim less so…” Buck huffed.

“He hit you in the face?” Eddie asked, concern creeping into his voice as he instinctively stepped forward and closed the gap between them.

Eddie leaned in to get a closer look at Buck’s face, confusion taking over as he noticed that Buck seemed to flinch and duck his head.

“Not on purpose, he was laughing, flailing about and then his legs went…” Buck said, mimicking the action of being kicked in the head.

“And those?” Eddie asked, eyes flickering across to Buck’s exposed arms. “More wrestling?”

“Those? Oh, no, those are old” Buck replied casually, as he glanced down to inspect his own arms.

Eddie titled his head and frowned, a sinking feeling opening up deep in the pit of his stomach. He couldn’t help but wonder how long this has been going on.

Why wouldn’t Buck say something? How could I not notice sooner? Why didn’t I ask more questions?

“Buck” Eddie said exasperatedly, “Look, you can’t just-”

“BUCK! LOOK WHAT I HAVE!”

Eddie was immediately cut off by the bellowing sound of an excitable four-year-old charging towards them, tiny hands clutching on to what seemed to be a giant toy dinosaur. Eddie instinctively jumped backwards, trying to clear a path as Theo barrelled towards the two of them with absolutely no sign of slowing down.

Theo eventually skidded to a halt right in front of the hospital bed Buck was perched on the end of, bouncing on the balls of his tiny feet in excitement as he stretched as far as he could reach to shove the giant dinosaur in Buck’s face.

Eddie smiled down at the sight, once again folding his arms across his chest and watching on intently as Buck leaned over to lift the dinosaur out of Theo’s arms.

“No way, how cool is this? Hey check it out, Eddie” Buck said enthusiastically, turning around and pushing the dinosaur into Eddie’s face whilst letting out a spectacularly unconvincing roar.

Eddie isn’t even sure if T-Rexes did actually roar, or if that’s just something they did in the movies. Not that that is important, right now. But… still. He’ll ask Buck later, he’ll probably know.

Theo, positively delighted, let out a sharp giggle as Buck continued to shove the dinosaur deeper into Eddie’s face, causing him to step backwards and resist the urge to swat it out of Buck’s hands. Instead, he just tried to ignore the bulging vein in his neck and smiled back at the two of them. The sound of their joyous laughter was such a comforting sound, it almost made Eddie forget about the sinking feeling that threatened to consume him just moments ago.

“Okay, you ready to get out of here, little man?” Buck asked eventually, leaning over to meet Theo at eye level.

“Can we get ice cream on the way home?” Theo asked innocently.

“As if I could ever say no to ice cream” Buck replied, a little too enthusiastically, as he slipped off the edge of the bed and began walking Theo towards the exit.

Eddie watched on for a brief moment, arms still folded and shoulders hunched.

“Yeah, and that’s the problem” he muttered under his breath, before breaking out into a light jog to catch up with the two of them before they disappeared from view.

~*~*~

“Okay bud, what flavor do you want?”

“Can I have rocky road, mint chocolate chip and strawberry!?”

“Sure, little man, you can have whatever you want”

Eddie lingered behind the pair of them in the line at the ice cream parlour, biting down on his tongue and resisting the urge to say anything.

First of all, those are absolutely terrible flavor combinations, who has mint chocolate chip and strawberry together? Secondly, there clearly needs to be a conversation about boundaries, here.

Buck glanced over his shoulder to meet Eddie’s gaze, his face seeming to falter a little as he did so. Eddie felt his own expression soften, once more, in response.

“Eddie? What flavor do you want?” Buck asked tentatively.

Eddie twisted the corner of his mouth and narrowed his eyes.

“None for me, thanks” he said, looking down and smiling softly at Theo.

Buck let his gaze linger on Eddie for a moment longer, before he simply pouted and nodded his acknowledgment, turning his head back down to Theo as they both stepped up to the counter.

“Eddie, do you not like ice cream?” Theo asked softly, twisting his head and staring up at Eddie as Buck spoke to the server behind the counter.

“Oh I love ice cream, Theo, but guess what?” Eddie said softly, crouching down to meet Theo’s gaze and smiling gently.

“What?” Theo asked sincerely, a wide-eyed expression of curiosity taking over his entire face.

“Well, you see, I can’t have any ice cream right now” Eddie whispered, pouting dramatically.

“Why not!?” Theo cried out.

“Because I haven’t had my vegetables yet, and everyone knows that you have to eat your vegetables first” Eddie said, nodding exaggeratedly.

Theo twisted his head and narrowed his eyes, pouting as he stared up at Eddie.

“But I don’t like vegetables” Theo pouted, “Buck says I don’t have to eat them if I don’t want to”

Eddie’s eyes briefly flickered up towards Buck, who’s back was still turned to the two of them as he reached over the top of the counter to collect two large cups of ice cream. Buck spun around with a larger-than-life smile plastered across his face as he reached down to hand a cup of ice cream to Theo.

Eddie once again found himself biting down on his bottom lip as he tracked Buck’s movements. As he took a moment to really study Buck, Eddie spotted something in him that maybe no one else would be able to spot. But nobody else knows Buck quite like Eddie knows him, possibly not even Buck himself.

As he watched him carefully, Eddie noticed that Buck seemed a little tense, like he was on edge. He didn’t look comfortable, like he wasn’t sure what to do with himself. He had a huge grin plastered on his face, but behind that there was a hint of sadness in his eyes. Eddie felt that pit in his stomach get just a little bit wider and a little bit deeper at the sight.

“C’mon spiderman, let’s go and sit down” Buck said, gently ushering Theo towards an empty table in the far corner of the ice cream parlour.

Eddie stood back up and once again stuffed his hands into his pockets, slowly and quietly following Buck and Theo towards the table.

“Alright, careful now, try not to make too much of a mess” Buck said to Theo.

“I won’t” Theo said, as he began to stand up on his chair. Buck reacted almost immediately, lunging forward and carefully picking Theo up and placing him back down into a seated position.

Eddie watched on in silence, eyes flickering between the both of them as they sat in silence eating their ice cream.

“So… what are the two of you planning on doing with the rest of the day?” Eddie asked, eventually.

“Well, I thought maybe we could go for a nice walk around the park, maybe feed the ducks, then maybe we would watch a movie later, how does that sound, Theo?” Buck replied, turning to smile down at Theo.

Theo, whose nose was now entirely covered in a mixture of strawberry and mint choc chip ice cream, looked back and nodded enthusiastically.

“Another movie? Buck, are you sure that’s a good idea? You know, after…” Eddie said, waving generally in the direction of Buck’s face.

Buck looked back and blinked, leaning back in his chair with a blank expression on his face.

“Yes, I’m sure” Buck said bluntly. “Thanks for your concern, though…” he mumbled quietly.

Eddie sighed and began tapping an unsteady rhythm on the tabletop with his fingers, simultaneously tapping his foot against the floor once more.

“What about dinner?” Eddie asked.

“PIZZA” Theo yelped out, earning a few looks from the other patrons in the ice cream parlour.

Eddie raised his eyebrows and looked at Buck, who in turn shifted uncomfortably in his seat and turned to face away from Eddie.

“Err… maybe not tonight, bud” Buck whispered, looking at Eddie out of the corner of his eyes.

“But Buck, I love pizza, why can’t we have pizza?” Theo said, pouting and banging his fist against the table.

Eddie found himself flashing apologetic smiles and waving politely towards the other customers, who were once again looking towards their table.

Buck’s mouth open and closed a few times, each time a false start where no coherent words seemed to come out. Eddie, once again, looked on in silence and began to notice things. Buck’s leg was bouncing up and down uncontrollably, something he always did when he felt nervous and a little uncomfortable. He was scratching at his neck, another thing he did when he was uncomfortable.

That horrible sinking feeling in Eddie’s stomach just kept getting bigger and bigger.

Theo was becoming increasingly more agitated, now banging both his fists against the table and chanting the word “PIZZA! PIZZA! PIZZA!” over and over again, becoming louder each time. Buck was trying to calm him down, but it seemed to be a battle he was losing.

“Hey, I have an even better idea” Eddie said, flashing a bright beaming smile in Theo’s direction.

At the sound of Eddie’s voice, Theo stopped mid-chant and turned to look at him inquisitively. Eddie saw, out of the corner of his eye, Buck sink a little further down into his chair. He averted his gaze from Theo and tried to flash Buck a reassuring smile, but instead Eddie was simply met with another blank expression.

“Why don’t you both come round to my house for dinner, tonight? How about a nice home cooked meal, me, you, Buck, and Chris… what do you say, Theo?” Eddie said.

Theo looked to Buck, who in turn looked to Eddie.

“You don’t have to do that” Buck whispered quietly.

Eddie’s eyes softened as he looked back to Buck, trying to decipher the expression on the other man’s face.

“I know I don’t have to; I want to Buck. There’s a difference” Eddie said firmly.

Buck paused for a moment, seemingly unsure.

“Really, it’s no big deal” Eddie said again, softer this time.

After considering it for a moment, Buck eventually nodded silently.

“Great! How does chicken and lots and lots and lots of vegetables sound?” Eddie asked dramatically, leaning in towards Theo and pulling a silly face, earning himself an excited chuckle.

Eddie looked over to Buck and once again tried to flash him a reassuring smile, but all Buck did in response was furrow his eyebrows and twist the corner of his mouth. Eddie felt his own smile falter slightly, before Theo drew his attention once more.

“And then I can have more ice cream?” Theo asked.

“Maybe, we’ll see” Eddie said, shooting Theo a wink.

“Okay, well… I think we better get you home and get you cleaned up and changed before dinner. We’ll… we’ll see you later, Eddie” Buck said abruptly, as Theo picked up his empty ice cream cup and threw it across the table.

Eddie looked across the table to Buck and inspected him as he stood up and picked Theo up. He wanted to reach out and give Buck a gentle, reassuring squeeze, to let him know that he was here to help and support him… but before he had the chance to do so, Buck had slipped past him with Theo’s hand in his, and then just like that they were out the door.

Eddie turned around in his chair and watched as they both disappeared down the street, concern etched across his own face.

~*~*~

“Dad, would you stop pacing?”

“They’re late”

“By like fifteen minutes”

“What if something has happened?”

“Dad, I’m sure they’re fine”

“But what-”

Before Eddie had the chance to unleash the stream of his inner consciousness, he was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. He immediately stopped pacing in circles and sprinted to open the front door.

“I told you they’re fine” Chris mumbled under his breath.

Eddie just rolled his eyes and ignored him, instead reaching forward to swing open his front door; smiling at the sight of Buck and Theo in front of him.

“Come on in” Eddie said cheerfully, opening the door wide and stepping to the side.

Buck and Theo stepped across the threshold, Theo sprinting across the floor lightning fast and charging towards Chris, who was already sat at the dining room table.

Buck flashed Eddie a huge grin and apologized for being late, as Eddie closed the door behind him. Eddie is sure that he can still see a hint of sadness in Buck’s eyes, no matter what the smile on his face says, but he chooses not to say anything.

“No need to apologize, honestly I barely even noticed the time” Eddie said.

Chris looked up from the table and scoffed, before immediately turning his attention back to Theo, who was attempting to show off his cartwheeling skills to Chris.

Theo could not cartwheel. He just simply fell to the ground and rolled around before staggering to his feet and repeating the same action over and over again. Chris still said “Wow, good job Theo” every single time. Eddie felt so much pride and warmth swell inside his chest as he watched the two of them together. Something about the sight just felt right, like it belonged.

“We don’t have to stay, really, if this is… too much” Buck said, nodding towards Theo, who was currently a sprawling mess in the middle of Eddie’s floor.

Eddie shook his head in confusion and stared back towards Buck incredulously, surprised that Buck would even suggest such a thing.

“You don’t get away from us that easily, I’m afraid” Eddie said, reaching forward and clasping Buck on the back.

Buck looked like he wanted to say something, but instead he simply just nodded and then made his way across the floor to say a proper hello to Christopher.

Eddie let out a deep breath that he wasn’t even aware he had been holding in and made his way into the kitchen.

“This is going to be great” Eddie whispered under his breath to himself, giving himself a little pep talk.

Dinner, in fact, was not great.

In fact, dinner went just about as terribly as it possibly could have gone. Eddie was hoping that this would be an opportunity to talk to Buck, to better understand what was going on and for him to open up to Eddie, so that they could figure this out together. Sadly, it did not transpire that way.

Theo was, as he always is, an uncontrollable fireball of energy that just seemed to burn evergreen. It didn’t matter what he did, he didn’t seem to tire. He had spent the entire evening racing through the Diaz household, pulling and tugging at anything he could grab his hands on.

Buck had tried to chase after him a few times, but he eventually gave up and instead sank down into the dining room chair at the opposite end of the table to Eddie with a slightly deflated look on his face. Eddie looked across the table and tried to smile at Buck, to let him know that everything was okay, but once again all he got was a blank stare.

The evening had started with general small talk, Buck asked Chris how school had been going lately, things had been pleasant enough. Then Chris brought up the elephant in the room, and things eventually went south.

“What happened to your face?” Chris asked, looking at Buck with suspicion.

Buck faltered for a moment, as he reached towards a half empty glass of orange juice, slowly taking a sip.

“Err, I broke my nose” Buck replied, eventually.

“How?” Chris asked.

“It was… it was an accident” Buck said.

Eddie narrowed his eyes as he stared across the table, keeping an eye on Buck’s mannerisms.

“What kind of accident?” Chris asked, probing further.

“Well, Theo and I… maybe got a little too excited after watching a movie, tried to recreate one of the scenes and then…” Buck said, making the same action he did at the hospital earlier.

“You see, Chris? This is what happens when you have too much screen time” Eddie said in between bites of chicken.

He glanced up and his eyes flickered in between Chris and Buck, eventually letting his gaze settle on Buck; who was once again staring back at Eddie with a blank expression.

“I don’t… I don’t think it’s that bad” Buck mumbled.

Eddie nodded to himself, pulling his phone out of his pocket.

“What’s your screen time like, anyway?” Buck asked, nodding in Chris’s direction.

Chris also reached for his phone, unlocking the screen and turning it to show Buck’

“Five hours and seventeen minutes” he said smugly.

“Per day? That’s… that’s not bad” Buck said, narrowing his eyes and leaning in to get a closer look at Chris’s screen.

“Still not great…” Eddie mumbled, getting distracted at the sound of Theo running around in the distance.

“Okay, what’s yours?” Buck said, now looking at Eddie.

“One hour and thirty-three minutes” Eddie replied, also flashing his phone in Buck’s direction.

“What? How?” Buck asked.

“Because I know how to exercise self-restraint” Eddie replied; to which Buck simply sank further back into his chair.

“Anyway, what about you?” Eddie said.

“Errr… eleven hours and fifty-four minutes, well… at least half of that screentime is Theo’s…” Buck said, locking his phone and slipping it back into his pocket slowly.

“Hmm” Eddie said, simply, staring Buck down right as Theo continued to yell in the background.

Buck shifted uncomfortably in his seat and avoided Eddie’s gaze. Eddie had wanted to say something, to use this as an opportunity to open up a dialogue about boundaries, but upon seeing how uncomfortable Buck looked, he bit his tongue instead.

“Hey, look, dinner was great, why don’t I help you clear up?” Buck said abruptly, changing the subject. He went to stand up and began collecting plates, when a tiny little blur of a human whizzed past at a dangerous speed.

“I’m a race car driver!” Theo exclaimed, on his most recent lap across the floor.

Eddie glanced over, keeping a beady eye on the little race car driver’s route to make sure he didn’t get into any roadside collisions.

“Is Theo not eating?” Chris asked, nodding towards the plate on the table that had been left completely untouched.

“Err, we’ll probably make a pitstop on the way home” Buck replied, that same larger-than-life smile stretching across his face. Eddie looked at Buck and narrowed his eyes, still remaining unconvinced on the authenticity of said smile.

“Hey, I think I have a toy race car in my room, I’ll go get it for Theo” Chris said, slipping into his crutches and slowly getting up from his seat at the table.

“Chris, that’s so nice of you, thank you, I’m sure Theo would love that…” Buck said softly, the boisterous smile he was sporting now replaced by something more subdued, more real.

Eddie looked across at both of them and once again felt a swelling erupt inside his chest. Everything about this just felt right, he didn’t know how else to explain it. There was a familiar feeling that brought with it a sense of comfort, everything in front of him just made Eddie feel at ease.

Chris had barely gotten to his feet, when all of a sudden, he was immediately brought crashing down to the floor with an almighty thud as a rolling basketball flung towards him and knocked out one of his crutches from underneath him. Eddie had barely registered what had happened before he was lunging down to the floor, Buck only one step away, both of them now crouched down by his side.

“Chris! Chris, hey, are you ok?” Eddie asked, as he reached over to gently help Chris sit upright.

“Yeah… Dad, really, I’m fine… It’s no big deal, honestly” Chris replied.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it” came the soft and apologetic voice of Theo, who was stood only a few steps away and looking on with sadness in his eyes.

Eddie turned and nodded, smiling gently down at Theo, whose lips were beginning to tremble.

“I know” Chris said sincerely, in a tone so gentle and so understanding that Eddie wasn’t entirely sure what to do with himself.

Eddie eventually managed to help Chris get to his feet, refusing to let go of him as he checked over to make sure that he was okay.

“Listen, maybe we should go…” Buck said quietly, after a moment.

Eddie helped Chris back to his seat, trying not to look towards Buck or Theo.

“Yeah, maybe you should” Eddie said gently, as he returned back to the table.

Buck collected Theo in his arms, both of them once again saying their apologies as they made their way to the door. Chris smiled at both of them and told them not to worry once more, waving them both off as the door closed behind them with a gentle thud.

Both Eddie and Chris remained sat at the table, sitting in what now felt like a deafening silence. Eddie took a moment to reflect on the events that led up to tonight and found himself overanalyzing the last few months. He found himself recalling memories of Buck over the last three months and thinking to himself; What could I have done differently? Why wasn’t I there? Why didn’t I try to help sooner?

After what felt like a lifetime of silence, Chris looked towards Eddie and asked him a question he wasn’t expecting.

“Are you ok?” Chris asked.

Eddie blinked and turned to look at his son, who had a concerned look on his face.

“Me? Yeah… I’m fine” Eddie said, staring off into the distance.

“You don’t look fine” Chris noted.

Eddie sighed and looked at Chris, smiling gently. He considered putting on a brave face and telling Chris that everything was okay, but after seeing the way that Christopher was looking at him, he knew there was no point in lying. Eddie had put in a lot of work over the years to get better at learning how to process and communicate his emotions in an attempt to be a better example for Chris, he wanted his son to know that it was okay to talk about how he felt. He wanted Buck to know that, too.

So, instead of lying, Eddie told Chris the truth.

“I’m worried” Eddie said, after a pause.

“About Theo?” Chris asked.

“Yes, also about Buck” Eddie replied, letting out a weary sigh.

“Because he broke his nose?” Chris asked, gently probing Eddie to open up more.

“No” Eddie said, “Well, yes, that too, but it’s more than that… I’m worried that Buck isn’t coping as well as he lets on, I’m worried that maybe he’s… struggling to adjust. I just want him to talk to me, let me help him. You know… the same way that he helped me” he finished.

Chris nodded solemnly, before reaching over to pat Eddie on the forearm. Eddie hadn’t even realized he was carrying so much tension in his muscles, until Chris drew his eyes down to his outstretched arm across the table and he saw how tightly his fist was balled up.

“You just gotta keep trying, dad” Chris said.

Eddie just laughed and nodded to himself.

“Yeah, you’re right there” he said, softly.

~*~*~

Eddie had taken Chris’s advice on board, and he kept trying.

He texted Buck a few hours later, checking in to make sure that he and Theo had made it home safely and to check in to see if Theo was still upset. It had taken Buck a little longer to respond, but he eventually texted back to assure Eddie that everything was okay, and how sorry Theo was. Eddie just felt the pit in his stomach continue to grow deeper, as he responded with a ‘heart’ emoji and told Buck that everything was fine.

Tension between the two of them continued to mount, for several days after the incident at dinner. Eddie would take any opportunity he could on shift to check Buck over for any fresh injuries, he’d not so subtly check over Buck’s arms for bruises and would keep one eye on him at all times when he was out on call, to make sure he didn’t put himself in any more danger. He wasn’t sure at first that Buck had noticed, but he was soon met with a rolling of the eyes and a plea to ‘just drop it, Eddie, I’m fine’ on the third consecutive day of him giving Buck the once over.

Eddie kept trying to get through to Buck, he would periodically send texts to him when they were both off shift, asking after him and Theo, checking in to see if they needed anything. Buck’s replies started to become more sporadic, and he started to take longer and longer to reply, each of his replies shortening in length.

Eventually, after a few more days, Buck had just stopped replying to Eddie’s texts altogether. Eddie wasn’t entirely sure why Buck was suddenly withdrawing and closing himself off, it was out of character for him to be so guarded and to isolate himself in this way. The more Buck withdrew, the more Eddie worried about him and the harder he tried to break through these concrete walls Buck had suddenly built around himself.

Since Buck stopped replying to his texts, Eddie tried calling instead. He would call non-stop, completely undeterred by his calls being sent to voicemail, Eddie refused to give up. Eddie tried to corner Buck at the fire station on their next shift together, but he was pointedly avoiding him altogether, every time Eddie walked into a room it seemed like Buck would slip out of it. When they were responding to calls, Buck would somehow find himself paired off with someone else, he even sat on the opposite end of the engine now, using multiple members of the 118 as a buffer between them.

Eventually, Eddie decided that enough was enough.

On their next day off, Eddie jumped straight into his car and drove straight to Buck’s house, not even bothering to call ahead. He pulled up in the driveway and marched up to the door, ringing the doorbell repeatedly until eventually a bleary-eyed Buck yanked the door open.

“Eddie, what the hell are you doing?” Buck asked sharply.

“Can I come in?” Eddie asked, ignoring the question.

Buck hesitated for a moment, before eventually nodding and opening the door wide. Eddie nodded curtly and stepped into Buck’s house, looking around with earnest curiosity.

“Where’s Theo?” Eddie asked, as he walked deeper into Buck’s house and making a beeline for the living room.

“He’s at Maddie’s and Chimney’s, they agreed to babysit for the morning” Buck replied, slowly walking in and joining Eddie in the living room.

Both of them stood there for a moment in silence, Eddie took the opportunity to inspect Buck properly. He was no longer covered in bruises or bite marks, but he had dark circles under both of his eyes and all of the light that usually shone so brightly from his blue eyes seemed to have faded. He looked tired, he looked sad.

“Buck, can we talk?” Eddie asked, going to take a seat on his couch, accidentally sitting on an Action Man figure as he did so.

Buck paused for a moment, still standing firmly in place in the middle of the living room.

“About what?” he said bluntly.

“About this” Eddie said, gesturing around to the chaos of Buck’s living room.

“Right, I see, so you want to talk about what a terrible job I’m doing with Theo, is that right?” Buck spat.

Eddie was caught off guard by that, immediately sitting upright and leaning forward, frowning as he looked at Buck.

“What? No, not at all, why would you think that?” Eddie asked.

Buck bit down on his bottom lip and nodded, avoiding Eddie’s gaze at all costs. Buck moved across the floor and slumped down onto the couch next to Eddie, throwing his head back and staring up at the ceiling.

“You don’t think I’ve noticed the looks you’ve been giving me? All the little… comments, checking up on me constantly, texting me, calling me every five minutes” Buck mumbled under his breath.

Eddie twisted his head round and stared at Buck, confusion taking over his own face.

“Buck, is that what you think I’ve been doing? You think I’ve been judging you?” Eddie asked, hurt creeping into his own voice.

Buck let out a sharp laugh and eventually twisted his own head, finally making eye contact with Eddie.

“I would judge me too” Buck sighed.

Eddie sighed and buried his head in his hands, eventually scooting closer to Buck until their legs were pressed against each other.

“Buck, listen to me, I’m not judging you. I’m worried about you” Eddie said firmly.

“I know how much you love Theo, I know that you want what’s best for him, but you have to trust me when I say that what’s best for Theo is for you to be the adult in his life, not his best friend. And that means that sometimes, you need to be the bad guy” Eddie said softly.

Buck just stared back at Eddie, his steely resolve now starting to soften.

“What if I can’t do that, Eddie?” Buck asked quietly, voice barely above a whisper.

“What do you mean?” Eddie asked.

“Theo has been through so much already, how can I deny that kid joy? Eddie, I know what it feels like to grow up with parents that didn’t care, I know what it’s like to grow up feeling unloved and unwanted-” Buck said.

Eddie reached over and squeezed Buck’s shoulder, gently applying pressure until Buck stopped talking.

“Buck, that is not the same thing. You are nothing like your parents” Eddie said firmly.

Buck blinked back the tears that were brewing in his eyes and let out a deep breath.

“I can’t afford to be like them, Eddie, otherwise Theo might turn out like…”

“Like you?”

A brief silence descended upon them both, before Buck spoke again.

“Yeah” he said quietly.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing” Eddie said, refusing to remove his hand from Buck’s shoulder.

“What do you think it would mean, if Theo was to grow up to be just like you?” Eddie asked.

Buck paused for a moment, refusing to answer. Eddie rolled his eyes and dropped his hand from Buck’s shoulder, instead placing it gently on his thigh and giving him a reassuring squeeze.

“Okay, I’ll tell you what it would mean. It would mean that Theo would grow up to be a selfless, loyal, brave and kind-hearted man. Someone who always puts others first before himself, someone who loves fiercely and unapologetically, someone who wants to make the world a better place. Does that sound like such a bad thing to you?” Eddie said softly.

“You sure you don’t mean to say… what if Theo grows up to be reckless, stupid, impulsive…?” Buck asked, managing to bring out a soft chuckle.

Eddie just rolled his eyes and squeezed Buck’s thigh again.

“You might be all of those things, too, but one thing you aren’t is a bad parent. All you need to do is your best, and maybe accept the help once in a while, and Theo will be just fine” Eddie said.

“He’s lost so much, Eddie, I can’t… I can’t be the one to cause him any more pain” Buck said.

“You won’t” Eddie said firmly.

“How can you possibly know that?” Buck asked.

“Because…” Eddie said, squeezing his eyes shut, as he searched for the right words. “Because I’ve seen you do this before” he said.

Buck sat upright at that and turned his entire body to face Eddie. His brows were furrowed in confusion, chest rising and falling rapidly.

“What are you talking about?”

“Well… I’ve seen how you are with Christopher. I’ve watched the two of you together for years”

“Eddie… c’mon, you know that it’s not the same thing”

“… isn’t it?”

Buck tilted his head in confusion, his breath hitching slightly before he was able to speak again.

“What are you trying to say, Eddie?” Buck asked.

“I’m trying to say that you’ve done this before, even if you don’t realize it. You’ve helped me so much with Christopher, now it’s my turn to help you. We can do this, together” Eddie said, simply.

Buck stared into Eddie’s eyes for a brief moment, his gaze eventually flickering towards the hand Eddie still had pressed against his thigh, and almost without warning he jumped to his feet and immediately started pacing in circles.

“No” Buck said, after a while.

“No?” Eddie asked, narrowing his eyes.

“Yeah, no” Buck said, nodding animatedly.

“What do you mean, no?” Eddie asked, jumping to his feet and staring Buck square in the face, only mere inches separating them.

“Eddie… you can’t just say stuff like that, do you know how it sounds?” Buck said, eventually grinding to a halt, staring at Eddie with a frantic look on his face.

Eddie placed his hands on his hips and shrugged his shoulders, staring at Buck with a pout on his lips.

“Stuff like what? Sounds like what?” Eddie asked.

Buck looked down at his feet, his breathing becoming noticeably shallower.

“Forget I said anything”

“Not a chance, what did you mean by that?”

“Eddie, please, can we just drop it?”

“No” Eddie said, pointing a finger towards Buck, “We can’t just drop it”

“Don’t make me say it out loud, Eddie” Buck mumbled, forcing himself to look Eddie in the eyes.

Eddie took a moment to absorb the sight in front of him, Buck was scuffing his feet against the floor, and his eyes were darting around the room, chest rising and falling rapidly.

“I want to hear you say it” Eddie said.

Buck looked like he almost stopped breathing, meeting Eddie’s eyes once more. The soft and fragile blue of Buck’s eyes locked with the steely defiance of Eddie’s brown, a moment of charged silence ensued so electric that Eddie felt the hairs on his arms stand up.

“You make it sound like we’re a… family. A proper family” Buck said under his breath.

“Aren’t we?” Eddie asked defiantly.

Buck rolled his eyes and tried to step backwards, trying to create space between them. Eddie slowly followed Buck’s every footstep, mirroring his movements until eventually Buck’s back bumped into the wall and suddenly there was nowhere else to go. Eddie didn’t take his eyes off of him, once.

“You know that it’s not the same, we’re not… you’re not…” Buck stuttered, tripping over his words now as Eddie continued to close the gap between them.

“I’m not… what?” Eddie asked, stopping immediately in front of Buck, refusing to take his eye off him, closely watching his every move.

“You’re not… you’re not able to give me what I really want” Buck settled on, eventually.

“Huh. What is it that you really want?” Eddie asked.

Buck gulped and looked around the room, possibly trying to plot an escape. He stayed rooted to the spot.

“Eddie…”

“You can say it”

“What if I’m reading this wrong?” Buck asked, quietly.

Eddie rolled his eyes and reached forward, grabbing a fistful of Buck’s t-shirt and pulling him in closer, without hesitating Eddie leaned in pressed his lips against Buck’s. It was messy and awkward, their lips colliding together in chaotic fashion; Buck was hesitant at first, but as soon as Eddie snaked his arms around Buck’s hips and pulled him in tight, Buck seemed to succumb and was suddenly kissing Eddie back with a feverish hunger that must have been lying dormant for years.

After what felt like a lifetime, the need for oxygen caused them both to break apart, foreheads resting against each other and their chests both rising and falling in sync as they both gasped for air.

“I have a lot of questions” Buck said, eventually.

“You always do” Eddie laughed.

“Did you just kiss me?”

“Yes”

“Was that… good for you?”

“Yes”

“Have you ever… kissed a guy before?”

“No”

“Then… how did you know you wanted to kiss me?”

“I just knew”

“How long have you known?”

“A while”

“Why… why now?”

“Buck?” Eddie asked softly, lips curling up into a soft smile.

“Yeah?” Buck replied, eyes glossed over completely.

“You think we could have this talk later?” Eddie said.

Buck just nodded, seemingly stunned into total silence.

“What time do we need to pick Theo up?” Eddie asked, glancing down to check his watch.

“Err… one o’clock” Buck said.

Eddie flashed Buck a smile and turned on his heels, making his way back towards the front door.

“We better get going, then” Eddie said plainly, turning back around to look at Buck, gesturing for him to join him.

Buck seemingly faltered for a moment, before he sprung into action and eventually stepped forward to join Eddie at the door, grabbing his jacket from the coat hanger on the way.

“I can’t believe you just kissed me and you’re acting like it’s no big deal…” Buck muttered under his breath.

Eddie rolled his eye and laughed, opening the door and placing his hand on the small of Buck’s back as he stepped outside, closing the front door behind them and watching as Buck fumbled with his keys.

“It is no big deal” Eddie said.

“I still have so many questions…” Buck said.

“Later, I promise” Eddie said, leaning forward and planting a soft and sweet kiss on Buck’s cheek.

Eddie stepped past Buck and made his way towards his car, looking back over his shoulder to see Buck stood frozen in one place, mouth hanging agape slightly and his hand just gently pressed against the spot on his cheek that Eddie had just kissed – almost as if he was in total disbelief.

Eddie just laughed to himself, slipping into the drivers’ seat and honking the horn to grab Buck’s attention. Buck eventually snapped out of his daze and sprinted towards the passenger seat, fastening his seatbelt with a gentle click and turning to stare at Eddie once more.

“Buck, stop staring at me, I told you… it’s no big deal” Eddie said simply, before turning the engine on and driving them both to Maddie and Chimeny’s house.

They had a lot to talk about, but they’ll get to that later.