Chapter Text
“Jo look, the portal!” Raissa exclaimed, pointing to the rupture in the sand, shaped like that 8-pronged national symbol. Water and sand poured in from the beach on Nakali at their feet.
“We’re gonna miss you so much over here, dudes!” Raww whined, the ends of his words punctuated with the high-pitched hum of a dog-cry. “Remember to come back! I’ll make sure Batiba sends a portal key whenever we miss you!”
Jo looked down at her and Raissa’s interlocked hands, their bracelets defying gravity as they pulsated with sparks of magic, “I don’t think that’ll be necessary, it looks like we have everything we need… right here” Jo’s eyes trailed up to Raissa’s face, still feigning that awkwardness. “And if not, I’m sure Raissa and that smart brain of hers will eventually discover how to open inter-dimensional portal before she graduates or something.”
“Jo-” Raissa laughs “the logistics of doing something like that, well I would need a whole team to run the calculations- not to mention we would have to get the ethics department involv-” The taller girl suddenly felt a squeeze at her hand.
“What I mean-” Jo uses her free hand to softly take a hold of Raissa’s face, “We’ll figure it out… together.” Raissa leaned into Jo’s hand as a smile tugged at her lips. Jo quickly turned away from the gaze of Raissa’s eyes.
As the sun began to set on Nakali, their new found friends, the wild pack, all watch as their feet teeter at the edge of the portal. “Well… are you ready?” Jo smiles softly at Raissa. There is a sudden beeping on Raissa’s watch, it was exactly 7PM already. The plane is probably already pulling out onto the runway. But… for some reason, the deadline that Raissa had been so hell-bent on making this entire adventure meant absolutely nothing. She had never been more compelled than this moment.
They could have died today. They could have lost each other. Jo could have lost Raissa and stayed here on Nakali without even remembering how she got here. Raissa would have returned more lost than Jo.
“Jo I-”
“Enough thinking- Tayo Na!” As they speak at the same time, Jo pulls Raissa’s wrists as they descend into the celestial portals. Hues of blue and purple surround them as Raissa screams and Jo, turned onto her belly, just laughs.
“Soar, Raissa, soar!” Jo’s arms open up as they fall as if they were birds. Raisa, flipping through the air dramatically, is pulled in by Jo, finding each other’s hands as they flatten out in mid air, gusts of wind flying through their hair as they both giggling inconsolably.
–
They land back on the same beach they had entered, Raissa landing flat on her face and Jo rubbing their sore bottom.
Eventually, they are lying on their backs on the sand, looking up at the dark night sky glittered with dots of stars. The scent of the ocean, trash, and the city are suddenly overwhelming in comparison to the fresh smells of Nakali. Raissa’s hand is on top of Jo’s.
“My parents are actually gonna kill me” Raissa fake-laughs. The kind of laugh when you know you’re fucked but you don’t want to show it.
“Well after they chew you out we can go and buy some isaw and betamax, celebrate at home” Jo thinks for a moment “I think I have some red-horse in the ref” she entices the other.
“Jo..” Raissa sits up. “They’re definitely not letting me out of the house… I think they’re actually gonna be serious this time.” Raissa pulls her knees to her chest and looks out at the water, her hand unmoving from where it sits.
Jo looked up at Raissa. Raissa kept on looking out at the water.
“Is it… our last night together then…? Like, for real?”
Raissa didn’t know where all the confidence she just had ran off to. Right before they entered the portal, she was so ready. Ready to take on her parents, Cal-Tech, the world. Ready to tell Jo everything she felt. After she leaves, it will never be the same. And yet, she could feel the sting of tears in her eyes.
Seeing Raissa like this reminded Jo of all those times she would have to comfort Raissa. The first time it happened, Jo helped Raissa stay up all night to finish an art project. Despite all of their hard work, Raissa ended up getting a 70 on the assignment. She was in absolute shambles when Jo opened the door for her. The rest of the night Jo and Lola watched movies with her and sang karaoke until their throat was dry and itchy.
Jo knew Raissa was never upset over her grades, but she knew how hard her parents pushed her to succeed. To be everything they couldn’t be at the cost of Raissa just being herself. Where Jo was always encouraged to be herself, Jo only wished to extend this same compassion for Raissa. Her home was always a place where Raissa could be Raissa without having to worry about the future.
Even after Lola passed, Raissa was the one who held her hand throughout the novena. Even when Jo lost herself in the aftermath, Raissa bought her a new sketchbook and oil crayons.
The second time Jo found Raissa crying by herself, Raissa was sitting in front of the nun’s office at school. Even with the long knee-length skirt, Jo could tell that Raissa’s knees and elbows were red and scratched up. The type of marks you get when you’ve been kneeling for a long time on a carpet and your elbows are propped up. Instead of their friendship bracelet, wrapped around her hands was a beautifully handmade rosary. They were about 15 at the time. They both didn’t say anything that time. Jo didn’t ask where their bracelet was or what they told Raissa in there. Jo had been in there enough times to know exactly how many times the nuns demanded her to recite the Hail Marys and the Our Fathers repenting for the non-existent sin of being a tomboy.
That day, when they were still the same height, Jo pulled Raissa’s arms over her shoulders and hooked her arms under Raissa’s knees, hoisting her onto her back. The whole time Jo carried her towards the street, she could feel all of the trembles and hiccups and hesitant breaths taken in and allowed Raissa to dry her tears on Jo’s unkempt hair.
That night, they bought isaw and barbeque skewers at the stalls that lined the streets. Usually, Raissa wasn’t allowed to eat street food, but today was special.
It was also the night they first tried alcohol and energy drinks together. They drank on the abandoned jeepney on the beach and added the tab of the beer can to their friendship bracelets that Raissa had fished out of her bag and pulled back on her wrist with teary eyes.
That night, Jo was sure.
As Jo looked up at Raissa now, though… There was maybe something different. Her “best friend,” who was always indecisive, probably faced the biggest decision of life leading up to now.
America had only taken people from Jo’s life. There was no future for her over there.
But there was no future for Raissa here. Maybe, that’s how Raissa saw it. And that’s why Raissa chose what she chose when she sent in her application to Cal-Tech.
“I always imagined that we’d always just be together, Rai.” Jo mumbled, “You’re leaving faster than I even… thought was possible”
“But we had such a great adventure together, right? We fulfilled our promise, we got back here together.” Raissa’s free hand smoothed over the empty part of her scalp. “We probably had the most memorable goodbye that best friends could ask for” she laughed dryly, her eyes fixated on the crashing waves.
Best friends.
The waves roared in both of their ears, filling that silence.
“Why were you so okay with just forgetting me, Jo? If- you know, I didn’t save you- you wouldn’t even remember who I am. Who- who I am to you.” Raissa’s words were punctuated with hics as tears continued to stream down her cheeks. She removed her hand off of Jo to wipe her tears.
Still looking directly at Raissa, Jo could feel her face contort in an unreadable expression between disbelief and worriedness. “ I did it for you.” Jo finally got out. “Raissa when you leave, I’ll be here. When you come back with your big fancy American degree, I’ll be here. When you come back with your husband and family to show them where you grew up, I'll still be here” waiting for you.
Raissa choked out a sob at the last point.
“Rai, there was nothing for me here” but you “Don’t you see?” Jo laughed out, tears stinging her own eyes. “I-I would have been fine staying on Nakali and- finding out what happened to Lola, learning her stories, writing about them! But- but you…”
“No- I don’t want that!” Raissa exclaimed, finally looking down at Jo on the sand. “What we had was worth so much more.” Raissa thought back to when she begged on her knees for Jo’s memories to return. Back then, she cried for Jo to remember us but of course what she actually meant at that time was lord, don’t forget about me. Which, now as she reflects upon it, the two statements were completely different.
A wave crashed.
Jo sat up and cupped Raissa’s face. “You came and saved me.” Something that Raissa has done almost a million times in the past. Since they were kids, Raissa held a hand out to Jo to coax her down. Even in that dark time, a simple “tayo na” led Jo crawling off of a ledge. “You saved me the one time I thought I could be the one saving you.”
Raissa pulled her face away from Jo’s hand to gaze back out towards the ocean. The water that pulled up to their bare foot, the beaches of her home. When she’s over in California, it’ll be the same ocean, just a million miles apart.
Looking hurt, Jo’s hand falls back down to her side, suddenly more aware of the sand hard against her back.
“Jo, if it was just for you… I wouldn’t be leaving at all. We could wake up tomorrow and I’ll drive you to work and pick you up after. I’ll transfer to UP and finish my degree. I’d stay here and find a job in Manila.”
“You sound like you got it all planned out, don’t you?” Jo laughed dryly again, “and I fit in wherever I can follow, huh? But it’s not just for me, no, you have almost every tita on the block counting on your success in America”
“We’re going in circles.”
“My whole life I’ve been following you around in circles, Raissa.” Jo exacerbated.
“What do you want from me, Jo?” Raissa sobs, “I’ll stay here, disappoint everyone, live a life without speaking to my parents ever again? Spend my days with you like some dying star? That’s the perfect life for you, ‘di ba?!”
Jo sits up and shifts so she can directly face Raissa, “I don’t want this to be our last night together Raissa. I don’t want to sit here and cry with you and keep secrets until 20 years later we want to kill ourselves over how stupid we were that we never said anything.”
“... What are you talking about…” Raissa cautions.
Looking at Raissa’s face now, red and puffy eyed, Jo’s looking the same. The tide slowly crept up the sand and reached their toes. Jo leaned slightly in, her head tilting downwards to meet Raissa’s eyes.
Suddenly Raissa was shaking her head softly. She licked her lips before she spoke, “I’m about to leave… for 4 years.” She looked to the side to avoid seeing Jo’s expression. “If we say what we mean, I’m leaving tomorrow probably, we’ll be apart… what’s the use Jo… We’ve wasted so many years”
“The use?” Jo moved her head again to catch the other’s gaze. “The use is that we will know.” She inhaled deeply. “Is it not even worth it to you to try…? Kahit the distance, Rai? You won’t even let us try?”
Raissa leaned forward finally, her forehead meeting Jo’s shoulder as she sobbed into it, inhaling Jo’s familiar scent. “I’m saving us the hardship, Jo”
“I don’t need saving this time.” Jo said sternly. “And you don’t know everything that will happen.” Jo’s hand instinctively went to soothe Raissa’s back, her hand combing through the strands of pin-straight hair.
There was a beat of silence, it seemed that Raissa was deep in thought.
“Then… me. I’m saving myself.” she exhales into Jo’s shoulders. “I’m being selfish. I’m so scared, Jo. It can’t happen because- because they’ll just hate me.”
Jo looked up at the stars, “I understand.” Jo quietly mumbles so only Raissa could hear it. Yet the shakiness of her statement suggested the opposite. If Raissa was being selfish right now, they wouldn’t even be having this conversation. Raissa would be in Jo’s arms as hers and Jo would probably try to convince Raissa one more time to just ignore what everyone says.
Jo pulls Raissa closer, listening to the soft creaking of the nearby boat tied to the dock and the cicadas humming. Her last night in the Philippines and she’ll spend it surrounded by everything that makes it home. Foremost, the arms that currently envelope her.
“I want to stay like this…” Raissa mumbles, taking her glasses off with fogged up lens dripping with tears.
Jo was silent for a second, “then just stay…” She whispered. She felt Raissa shake her head against her shoulder, and with quiet surrender, Jo just held her tighter.
“The ocean is beautiful tonight.” Raissa finally whispers.
Jo shook her head, “I can only see you.”
After a few moments of silence, Jo awkwardly reaches over and clumsily presses play on her radio, the slow, emotional ballad All Out of Love by Air Supply fills the air. Raissa pulls away for a second to flash an Are-You-Serious? Look on her face.
–
It was just 30 minutes later when flashlights invaded their spot on the beach. The absence of the usual Jeepney that sat abandoned on the sand meant that it wouldn’t be able to hide Jo and Raissa anymore.
“RAISSA?! RAISSA MOLINA?” The flashlights called.
Raissa immediately pulled herself off of Jo, where they had readjusted from earlier and Raissa sat with her head resting on Jo’s lap.
“You need to go before they blame you, Jo” She quickly urges the other up. The flashlights were getting closer.
“This can’t be the last time I see you before you go.” Jo quickly begs, “Please, Rai..”
Raissa quickly nods “Ohkay, just go hide. Go-” Raissa stays seated as she pushes Jo away towards the grassy slope.
As the flashlights finally shine on the back of Raissa’s head, one of them quickly shine on movement towards the tree where only Jo’s sneakers were spotted before escaping. The lights shine back on Raissa as she slowly turns her head in the direction that she isn’t bald.
Her mother comes in the light, her face scornful and with a look so angry that Raissa had never seen it look like that before. “Raissa what the hell is wrong with you?!” she walks quickly towards her daughter and strikes her. A heavy blow to the back of the head.
“You escape during your party, don’t even help us clean up.” Her mother pinches her nose bridge “Lord, show this child some respect.” Behind her mom, Raissa peers at the other figure holding up a torch. It’s her father, with a blatantly worried expression on his face.
“Well? Do you have any explanation for where you’ve been? Who you’ve been with? Do you know how much plane tickets to America cost?!” she goes on. All Raissa feels like doing is looking down as tears well up in her eyes.
“Hah? Answer me!” She roughly pulls Raissa up by the wrists and, the moment Raissa was dreading most of all. As soon as her mother laid eyes on the other side of her head, she felt a heavy smack against her cheek.
“Bastos ka, Raissa! Bastos!” Her mother grabs at her face, forcefully turning it to look at the damage and the uneven bald spot. “Is this the thanks we get, Raissa? A disrespectful girl who acts out? Don’t you want to go anywhere in life, Raissa? You want to stay here forever?! And don’t even try to say you weren’t with that Jo.”
Raissa choked out sobs, “I don’t- mom I meant to be home-” she is pulled harshly towards her father as they are led to their car. Raissa thought that after everything she had gone through, the literal monsters she fought, perhaps she’ll go home and stand up against her mom. At least.
But maybe her mom was right… Her family gave her everything. She hadn’t even accomplished anything yet…
As if on autopilot, she entered the backseat of the car, her father starting the car towards their home and her mother turning around in the passenger seat to continue to berate her. Maybe if she couldn’t say for Jo, her parents would be so pissed at her they wouldn’t let her go to Cal-Tech anyways.
Of course that was wishful thinking. She was going to America now, more than ever.
Jo, watching from past the trees covered her mouth as she watched this whole debacle happen. When they were younger, Jo used to feel empowered enough to say something whenever Raissa’s parents were being rough on her. One time at dinner, Jo tried to change the topic from Raissa’s grades by putting on some music and showing tita Jane and tito Manny her new moves. They would laugh awkwardly and knew to lay off Raissa until Jo left later that evening.. But of course Jo always knew how hard Raissa’s parents were on her.
It was this night that Jo came to the resolve that she would save Raissa somehow. It was her turn.
–
It was the next morning already. Raissa’s bed was surrounded by Balikbayan boxes filled with her clothes, school materials, and snacks from home. Her room was dreadfully empty except for the posters of pop-stars on her wall and the crucifix hanging over her bed.
Last night while her mother was still screaming at her, her father meekly brought out his razor as he cleanly shaved off the side to at least make it look neater. The whole time he shook his head in disappointment at their only daughter.
Her eyes were swollen from the tears, lips dry, exhausted from… everything that happened in the past 2 days. As she laid on her childhood sheets, she stared up at the bottom of the crucifix above her and sent a quick prayer begging that all of it was just a dream.
She couldn’t sleep at night, her eyes were as heavy as the burdens on her heart. Her new flight wasn’t until later that night, so she allowed her eyes to finally close… when she heard pebbles thrown at her window.
As if compelled by a force, her chest shot up as she raced towards the window, tripping, and then crawling the rest of the way to open the latch. She pulled herself to look over the railing.
Peering down, it was exactly who she was expecting. “-Jo!” she breathlessly exclaimed.
Jo pretends to not notice Raissa at the window and exclaims “Raissa, oh Raissa! Wherefore art thou Raissa? Deny thy father and err..” Jo messes up on the last part. They had read Shakespeare during their last year of senior high school during their English Literature unit.
“Actually it should be switched since I’m the one at the window…” Raissa mumbles with a giggle before looking around cautiously. She sighs, “You… shouldn’t be here, Jo…” she mumbles. “If they see you they’ll… well you know”
“Relax Raissa, I’m not taking you anywhere, just wanted to see you before you left, is all.” Jo smiled warmly, though Raissa could tell that pained smile anywhere. Jo’s eyes slowly trail over to Raissa’s arm, a noticeable absence of their friendship bracelet.
In response, Raissa quickly grabs her wrist and purses her lips, “It’s packed away! On my carry on… I was so scared I would forget it here.” she quickly clarifies. Although the truth was that last night her mother berated her for holding onto such childish memorabilia when she can start anew when she gets to America.
“Don’t worry, Princess, I know after everything you wouldn’t get rid of it when you’re around all of your cool new American friends.” Jo laughs inwardly. It was actually a huge insecurity. One that kept her up last night. “You can’t get rid of us that easily, you know.”
“Mm.” Raissa hums in small agreeance as she peered down at Jo, her eyes dull with pooled melancholy. Jo was wearing a tight burgundy top and loose jeans, and a belt Raissa bought for her. Her hair was roughly pulled up as it always was.
“What time are you um… leaving?” Jo looked around again to make sure no one was around as she continued talking, “I’ll be there to send you off, I’ll make sure of it.” There was a sudden pang in her chest again. She was no longer burdened by confidence as they were last night. With the hot sun high in the sky, it was as if their senses had returned. But… were these pleasantries really the last things she wanted to tell Raissa before she would leave for a couple of months?
“I’m leaving in 2 hours.” Raissa looked at the clock hanging on her wall. She looked back at Jo with a frown on her face. “My parents are out running errands before I leave, but they’ll be home any second now” Raissa winces.
That was enough reassurance Jo needed before she started to scale the wall up to the window and let herself into Raissa’s room. The amount of sleepovers they had here, the pictures they hung up together, and afternoons of them laying around suddenly flooded back into Jo’s mind. “Wow… It’s so… empty.” Jo looked around with wide eyes.
Raissa stepped back as Jo peered into the nooks and crannies that were once filled. Hugging herself awkwardly, a wave of insecurity and doubt filled her head. The thought of getting caught sitting heavy in her mind. Sitting at the foot of her bed, Raissa took it in too. A goodbye to her childhood, her home, and everything that made her safe. She thought of all of this while her eyes focused on Jo.
“Hey- remember when I won this for you from-” Jo turned around to look at Raissa holding up a strange, dust covered, Sanrio plush. Her words stopped when she looked at Raissa’s sad eyes. “Hey- hey no more crying, okay?” Jo placed the toy down on the dresser next to her. “You cried all night yesterday and I’m not gonna let you cry all day today too.” Jo faked cheerful encouragement.
The truth being that Jo pushed away tears all night last night. The thought of everyone leaving her heavy on her chest.
“Do you hear me?” Jo cupped both of Raissa’s cheeks and gave them a squish.
Raissa laughed softly and slowly before moving to lay horizontally on her twin bed. “It’s real this time, though… I’m actually going.”
Jo laid beside her again, cautious not to touch her. “Well. I just got some load on my phone. I’ll text you on WhatsApp everyday! You’ll be sick of me!”
“Jo, I don’t want to text you everyday” Raissa, emboldened by the confidence of maybe not seeing her best friend for months or even a year, rolls over and pulls herself on top of Jo, her arms on either side of the other. “I want to see you…”
“Ha- um” It was Jo’s turn to look everywhere but Raissa’s eyes. “We can video chat, yeah…?” Jo looked at Raissa for a split second before looking away again and licking her dry lips.
“Yeah… video chat is fine.” Raissa hums, unsatisfied, “But what am I gonna do…” Jo’s hand unconsciously trails a light touch over Raissa’s side on top of her, “What am I gonna do without you…? So far away..?” Raissa continues, her head drooping in defeat.
“Just come home, come home as often as you can. See me on weekends. See me on the phone. See me at Nakali” Jo jokes as she shakes her wrists, the charms jingling against each other.
The room smells like dust and sweet jasmine. Their childhood laughter echoing off the walls. They both didn’t know if they could even still open a portal. They didn’t even know if they had to be together. How could they even access Nakali from miles apart?
“Yeah, I’ll see you” Raissa smiles softly, her crucifix necklace dangling above Jo. She is silent again. Like she often does when she's taking in all of her senses. She can feel Jo’s hand lightly trailing up and down her side from her ribs to her hips, she can feel Jo’s heaves, she can feel her knees trembling slightly, and she can feel Jo under her.
“The ocean is beautiful tonight” Raissa mumbles incoherently.
They were sitting in Raissa’s bedroom. Far from any type of water, there wasn’t even a poster to explain what she just said. Jo looks at the other, lost for a second before she finally gets it.
Jo breathes, “I only see you.”
Raissa’s breath hitches before leaning down “What are we doing…” She mumbles as their foreheads touch.
Jo’s hand trails up to Raissa’s back, her neck, and finally beneath her hair and grasps firmly at her scalp, pulling her down.
Beneath them, the front door of the home is opened.