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Suzaku halted at the bottom of the stairs to the Kururugi Shrine, blinking as the first drops of rain hit his eyelids. It was hardly a day for such a visit, especially without cover, but the rain made it less likely that he’d be spotted — he was Suzaku today, not Zero.
He’d managed to avoid the subject until Jeremiah approached him privately, asking if he was “ready” for the third time. The one-eyed man was gentle in his questioning, but Suzaku could tell that he and everyone else were growing increasingly concerned. He considered making another excuse, putting it off again, but it was hard to lie to a handful of people who were directly involved.
Even Cécile had offered to accompany him, reassuring him that Lloyd would remain unaware of it, but Suzaku had declined. This, too, was his cross to bear.
He made his way up the steps, trying not to count the weeks that had passed since the day of the Requiem. The distance between him and Lelouch grew with each sunrise, and Suzaku wrestled with the selfish wish to keep him close, even if it meant refusing to let the current take him.
Suzaku’s fringe drooped as the rain grew heavier; there was no way anyone would recognize him now.
“Your hair has always been puffy,” Lelouch had said. “Why ruin it with gel?”
Suzaku had thrown the gel away after that. He rarely gave much thought to his appearance, and even less so when Lelouch seemed to do most of the fussing for him. Not that Lelouch ever did anything about it, but he was never shy of offering an opinion.
The shrine, as expected, was empty. But that wasn’t his destination. He turned sharply to his right, forcing himself not to dwell on the idyllic afternoons he’d spent with Lelouch and Nunnally.
He wondered if Lelouch had picked this place out of nostalgia or if he’d done it to torment Suzaku further, knowing he would come alone with nothing but memories accompanying him. He supposed he deserved that much, for Suzaku had done the same to Lelouch, using their friendship as a weapon to maim them both.
Suzaku parted the grass behind the shrine and followed the hidden path he knew like the back of his hand. He remembered when he’d first seen Lelouch as an unwelcome guest with a sharp tongue, though there had been something admirable about him — a boy with the world on his shoulders, yet secretly gentle and caring underneath it all.
Dirt turned damp beneath his feet, the rainwater glistening on loose pebbles as he walked. Even though Suzaku had called it his “secret base”, it wasn’t particularly well-hidden. Before long, the clearing came into view, as did the hollowed-out trunk that had once fit the three of them perfectly.
Vibrant yellow and purple flowers peeked out from the small cave as he neared. He’d never imagined that his hideout would become a haven that sheltered the thoughtful trinkets and offerings people left behind.
He steeled himself and made his way slowly around the tree, stealing a glance at the clean, pale slate jutting out from the ground—
A strangled whimper escaped Suzaku, and he squeezed his eyes shut, turning away as tears began to sting.
Is this how you wanted to be remembered?
The glimpse of unmarked stone hit him harder than any epitaph ever could. Without the flowers, no one would think twice about this patch of land.
To be left nameless, knowing the world wants to forget you?
Suzaku glared through his rain-soaked fringe, no longer able to tell his tears from the rain.
How selfish, Lelouch.
Suzaku desperately wished for something to hold on to — a tiny message, a photo tucked away somewhere, initials — anything to fill the space that Lelouch no longer occupied, the wound of his absence still raw in his chest.
But the smooth stone gave no answer, offering neither consolation nor comfort.
“Will you have the courage to visit me when I’m gone?”
Suzaku winced. “Do we really have to talk about this?”
“If not now, when?” his best friend countered. “If you’re going to kill me, you’ll need the strength to bury me, too.”
“Lelouch…”
“I’ll be laid to rest in these robes.” The emperor extended an arm, letting the loose fabric flutter in the breeze. “The dirt will cover me, but my wretched legacy remains. People will curse my name for decades to come.
“My headstone shall be nameless,” he continued as though he were merely forecasting the weather. “My coffin shall be plain. Only a select few will know where to find me.”
“And you think that’s fair?” Suzaku asked sharply.
“Of course,” Lelouch hummed. “Being vilified and forgotten is fitting punishment for a tyrant, is it not?”
“You think that’s fair to me?”
Suzaku swallowed hard and shook his head. I’m just as selfish.
He scrubbed at his eyes, glancing around to make sure he was alone before lowering his mask.
“I’m h-here, Lelouch,” he managed. “I’m…sorry I didn’t come by sooner. I was…”
Missing you. Learning to live without you. Wishing I could feel your touch again. Regretting not telling you how I felt. Guilty with every breath I take without you by my side.
“But you knew this would happen, didn’t you?” Suzaku mumbled. “That’s why you chose to rest here, where I would always find you.”
His gaze lingered on the far side of the stone, where he imagined Lelouch lying beneath it. Holding on to the image of Lelouch at rest, Suzaku closed his eyes and bowed deeply.
“Nunnally misses you,” Suzaku said, his voice wavering as he remembered her hand trembling in his while they talked about their time together.
“They’ve finished rebuilding the Academy,” he continued. “There are sunflowers growing there now. You have Nunnally to thank for that.”
I’ll think of you whenever they bloom.
Suzaku pressed his lips together as he remembered how every single student council member had outrun Lelouch while he tried to manage a school festival and a coup d’état at the same time.
“You always acted like you didn’t care about school, but we both know you enjoyed your time there,” he sighed. “It was the only time you could live a normal life.
“The world is doing so much better now. People are helping each other now, setting aside their differences and choosing kindness over hatred. It’s just as you’d planned. Everyone is moving forward…”
Suzaku rolled the words around in his mouth, almost ashamed to admit something Lelouch could no longer hear.
“…while I’m stuck in this broken hourglass. I’m the one who agreed to all this, but living in this new world without you, is…it’s—
It’s torture.
“You left me confused, Lelouch.” Suzaku’s voice tightened. “Even though I’m the one who killed you, I can’t help wanting you here with me — next to me, living peacefully in our new world.
“I thought I’d said everything I wanted to say to you the night before Zero Requiem, but I was wrong.”
Suzaku took a deep breath. He hadn’t planned for this, but death had a cruel way of making him realize how he’d truly felt.
I might as well say it now.
“I—”
Suzaku jumped as thunder cracked overhead, drowning out the rest of his words. Shit. Only then did he notice how soaked he was, his clothes clinging cold and heavy against his skin.
His face warmed with embarrassment, as though the Gods had heard him and answered. He cast one last look at the stone before turning away.
If you’re watching from somewhere —you’d better stay dead— I’m sorry for not telling you sooner.
The rain continued to fall, washing away nothing yet revealing everything.
Even now, six feet under, you still pull me towards you. So keep watching over me, wherever you are. I'll keep the embers burning until we meet again.