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“Nunnally…are you sure you want me to come with you?”
Suzaku slowed the wheelchair to a halt and paused before the Ashford Academy gates, anticipation and nervousness simmering in his gut. He wanted to admire the rebuilt campus, of course, but it was who would be there — who wouldn’t be there — that he was anxious about.
“Of course!” The girl turned to look up at him, beaming from ear to ear. “It’s been so long since you’ve visited, too.”
Arthur meowed from where he was curled up on Nunnally’s lap, as if he, too, were eager to catch up with the rest of the student council. Nina had kindly offered to take care of him, but the feline had refused to leave Suzaku’s side. He had decided to bring him along today; he was sure the others would be happy to see him again, too.
The last time he’d been here, he’d stayed out of sight, waiting for his cue to crash in — Lelouch did like dramatic entrances, whether it was his own or his knight’s. Given Zero’s history of theatrics, his appearance today would be shockingly mundane, except that no one would know it was Suzaku beneath the mask.
Once Suzaku confirmed with a quick glance over his shoulder that Schneizel wasn’t trying to follow them onto campus, he took a deep breath and pushed through the school gates. He was mildly frustrated that the former prince had taken his “serve Zero” command too literally; he’d had to check the hallways before retiring to his room on many occasions, only to find Schneizel at his heels, some five steps behind him.
Although the parts near the entrance hadn’t needed to be rebuilt, Suzaku felt like an intruder as he walked down the same tiles. Now, he heard the clicks of his heels rather than his school shoes, and realized how much he missed his old life, his chest filling with regret that he hadn’t tried to cherish those moments when he still could.
His eyes widened when he noticed sunflowers planted in the flowerbeds around them. He was almost certain that they hadn’t been there before, and his heart twisted as they filled his mind with images of his childhood, of those summer days.
“Ah, the sunflowers!” Nunnally chirped excitedly. “I was worried they’d forgotten to plant them.”
Suzaku blinked. “You requested this, Nunnally?”
“Mhm! Perhaps it was selfish, but I wanted to plant them as a reminder of us and big brother.”
“You are too sweet. But why sunflowers?” he asked.
“The Kururugi Shrine was covered in them, from the fields to our little hut! They kept me company when you ran off with my brother,” she giggled.
“Oh. I guess I did steal him away from you quite a lot.” Suzaku flushed in embarrassment, recalling vibrant afternoons before the war tore them apart. “I’m sorry—”
The girl shook her head. “Please don’t apologize; you made him very happy, and for that I am eternally grateful. Hearing him laugh again was a blessing, and it was thanks to you, Suzaku.”
“You give me too much credit,” he muttered. “I’m sure he just wanted to see you laugh, too.”
“That may be true, but you were always special to him in a way no one else ever was.” Nunnally smiled.
Suzaku let out a shaky exhale and tightened his grip on the handle of her wheelchair. Having that closeness pointed out to him always made him feel bare, especially when the other man was no longer here.
Nunnally perked up when the group came into view; they hadn’t spotted them yet, but Suzaku suddenly found himself fighting the urge to flee. How would they accept him when he’d taken so much from them?
“It’ll be fine,” she said, reaching to touch the back of his hand.
Glancing down at his gloved hands, he realized he’d briefly forgotten that he was in his Zero outfit. He was meant to be meeting the student council for the first time, not reuniting with them as Suzaku.
“Nunnally!”
“Lady Nunnally! And Zero, too.”
His former classmates turned to greet them as they approached, and Suzaku bit his lip before a “It’s good to see you again” could escape. Instead, he gave them a nod, discreetly brushing a thumb at the underside of his helmet to make sure his voice changer was active.
Kallen, Rivalz and Milly all gasped when they noticed Arthur, immediately crouching down to fuss over him.
“So this is where Arthur ended up!” Milly exclaimed, scratching him behind the ears. “I was worried he’d get lonely.”
“You see, I actually wanted to take him in, but…” Nina trailed off, exchanging a brief, panicked look with Suzaku when she realized she’d revealed too much.
“Eh? You don’t seem like a cat person, Nina,” Rivalz pouted. “And I say that with love.”
“It’s okay, he seems to be attached to me somehow, just like Zero is!” Nunnally said brightly, waving up at Suzaku.
He knew she wouldn’t betray his secret, but a thin bead of sweat formed at his temple nonetheless.
“Speaking of…” Gino piped up. “Zero, how did you get to know Nunnally? Aren’t you supposed to be the leader of the—pardon me, I meant advisor of the Black Knights?”
Suzaku stiffened. He’d prepared himself for such a question, yet the words failed him now. It was hard pretending not to be himself when he was surrounded by those who had once been close to him. Every familiar quip and jab made the mask feel a little more fragile, as though it would crack at any moment.
“As it turns out, Zero and I have a lot more in common than you might think!” Nunnally interjected.
Thank you, Nunnally.
When the former princess confided in him and suggested that they work together, Suzaku worried that the public would figure out his true identity. But when he soon found that she was the one to fill the silence when he was lost for words, he realized what she’d truly meant. And he would be there for her in return, just as Lelouch had always wanted him to.
“So, Nunnally, what do you think of the new campus?” Kallen asked.
Suzaku let their chatter fade into the background as they caught up with each other. A part of him wished he could join the conversation, but he was content to remain where he was.
…that was, until Gino wormed his way over to him, one brow raised.
“Hm. The new Zero doesn’t seem nearly as intimidating in person,” Gino remarked, his braid falling over his shoulder as he scanned him from head to toe. “Even if he is a lot more muscular.”
“Well, um,” Suzaku croaked awkwardly, shrinking from his scrutiny. “Lelouch was just…skinny.” Scrawny. Slender. Delicate. Could be lifted with one hand without trying.
Gino hummed in agreement. “And you’re definitely built more like a soldier. Say, how come you’re the same height? Was that intentional?”
Suzaku stayed quiet, paranoid that any answer might give his identity away. He stared incredulously at the top of Gino’s head when the man suddenly knelt down, pointing at his legs.
“You’re wearing heels!” he exclaimed. “I must say, they really complete the outfit. Whoever came up with this did a fantastic job.”
Gino wasn’t wrong; Lelouch was a surprisingly great fashion designer. He supposed his Knight of Zero outfit had merely been practice for his Zero heels, which were half an inch taller. Lelouch never failed to compliment how he looked every morning, either. The flattery was truly unnecessary, as were certain parts of the uniform, but Suzaku couldn’t complain when Lelouch seemed to like it so much.
Suzaku snorted. “We als—didn’t the Knights of the Round also wear heels?”
“That’s true, but they barely added any height,” Gino mused, casually throwing an arm around Suzaku.
He rolled his eyes, thankful that the mask hid his mild annoyance. Maybe this was what Lelouch meant when he’d complained about Tamaki’s overzealousness and obsession with him.
“Does Zero let everyone do this? He’s quite the man!”
Suzaku sighed. “Gino, you’re not a threat.”
The blond feigned a gasp. “I can be threatening!”
“Okay, okay,” Kallen said, stepping in to pry Gino’s arm off him. “Hands off Zero, please.”
“But how can I, when he knows my name?” Gino asked with a frown.
Dammit—
“Of course he knows your name, you’re—you were—a Rounds member. A loud one, at that.”
“Oho, I like a feisty woman!”
Impassively, Kallen pulled a pink pouch from her pocket, revealing the edge of a knife. “It’s like you’re begging to be stabbed.”
But that only seemed to entice Gino further, who clasped his hands together as if in prayer. “Oh no, that would be awful!”
“Ugh, you’re hopeless.”
Their laughter drew Suzaku’s attention back towards the original members of the student council.
“Kallen, you’re like a whole new person!” Rivalz beamed. “I have to say, this suits you a lot better.”
Milly nodded. “I’m glad we finally got to see the real you!”
Suzaku smiled. He still had to wear his mask, but he was glad that Kallen no longer had to put up her façade. Gino seemed to be fitting in well with the student council, too. Suzaku wondered if his former comrade would continue to study at Ashford, though he couldn’t ask him directly anymore.
A sudden series of pops rang through the air, and everyone turned towards the roof of the academy. Even Arthur sat up, meowing enthusiastically as colors bloomed across the sky.
“F–Fireworks?” Nina gasped. “Who could be…?”
“That’s right…” Milly mumbled. “Lelouch promised to set off fireworks again with everyone.”
“I hope Shirley and Rolo are watching from somewhere, too…” Rivalz sniffled.
“They are,” Nunnally said gently. “We’re all looking up at the same sky, I’m sure of it.”
Lelouch, you lied again. To me…to everyone.
His vision grew blurry before he could figure out why. He didn’t care that no one mentioned Suzaku; he had been the knight to the demon emperor, an insatiable reaper that didn’t deserve to be remembered. But this was all part of Lelouch’s plan. He had saved the world, yet no one would thank him for it.
If I’m the only one left to mourn you, to grieve for you — so be it. I’ll take this punishment, too.
He hiccuped when he felt Nunnally’s hand rest on top of his. Tears seeped into the fabric of the mask as he looked down, meeting her sad smile.
“Nunnally…you sh-should be watching the fireworks…” he whispered unevenly.
The girl didn’t respond, simply tightening her grip on his hand. She had been doing it increasingly often as of late, grounding Suzaku whenever he was about to lose himself in his solitude. But he knew that Nunnally needed it just as much, for her eyes also glistened as she watched Suzaku’s shoulders tremble.
He could imagine Lelouch’s bony hands wrapping around theirs, urging them to smile. But how could he, when Lelouch’s ghost always found him after dark, replacing his nightmares with visions of them living a peaceful and happy life? How could he, when he woke each morning clinging to that formless nostalgia like a dream he couldn’t remember? A time they didn’t have the luxury to indulge in, where he and Lelouch were—
Suzaku shook his head.
Above them, the fireworks continued to flourish, each burst illuminating the faces of the ones Lelouch had left behind. Suzaku watched them in silence, allowing his friends to express the gratitude he couldn’t admit to sharing.
There was no going back, no point in dwelling on what could have been. For now, he would allow the lingering waves to wrap around his ankles, to pull at him whenever the memories grew too heavy. He would carry the ache the same way he carried Lelouch’s memory, even if it meant mourning him for the rest of his life.
Even though Lelouch was gone, his dream had been realized.
And Suzaku would make sure it stayed that way.