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“Zero. A moment, please?”
“Yes, Your H—” Suzaku bit his tongue. “What is it?”
Schneizel. Suzaku still wasn’t used to this version of him. Having a once cold-blooded nihilist follow him around like a loyal dog still unsettled him, and although Schneizel was practically gift-wrapped, Suzaku hesitated to utilize him.
“Lady Nunnally wishes to speak with you before the ceremony.”
“Na—Nunnally?” Suzaku stuttered. “She’s here?”
He was almost certain she’d retreated from the public eye after all that had happened. It hadn’t even been a month since he took Lelouch from her, and he could only imagine what the sight of him might stir up.
Glancing back at the handful of Black Knights he’d brought with him, he found them smiling warmly, offering him an encouraging nod before returning to their own conversations.
Their ease did little to quell his worries, but Suzaku did want to see Nunnally. A quick glance confirmed that crimson rings still encircled Schneizel’s eyes, but Suzaku kept his hand close to his sword all the same as he followed him. There was a chance that he’d been tricked to leave his post.
“Zero! Please come in!”
When the doors slid open, Suzaku nearly dashed across the room to envelope her in a tight hug. There was still a hoarseness to her voice and her complexion was paler than before, but otherwise she seemed to be recovering well.
“Lady Nunnally,” Suzaku forced his tone to remain even.
“There’s no need to be so formal! It’s just Nunnally now,” the former princess smiled. “Brother Schneizel, I’d like to speak with Zero privately, please.”
Suzaku stiffened, suddenly reminded of the time Euphy had requested to meet Zero in private. He may have killed the person beneath the mask, but Zero remained, even if things were different now. He took a deep breath and counted to five as Schneizel exited the room.
“I’m—it’s good to see you, Nunnally.”
“Likewise! This past month must’ve been difficult for you.”
“It was my duty,” Suzaku’s throat went dry. “The world is finally headed in the right direction.”
“Yes, the world is doing better,” Nunnally agreed. “But how about you, Zero?”
Suzaku looked away. “The demon emperor is dead. How I feel is irrelevant.”
He tried to suppress the memories of curling up around Lelouch’s clothes, crying himself to sleep night after night. It wasn’t until he returned to a tidied room one evening that Suzaku realized he’d gradually moved the rest of Lelouch’s belongings to his own room.
“That’s not true!” Nunnally exclaimed. “You may be a hero, but you’re human, too. May I have your hand?”
Suzaku’s blood ran cold, pulling back his hand sharply.
Can I do it? Can I lie to Nunnally again? No! Ever since that time, I swore I wouldn’t. But Zero Requiem itself…what if I tell her the partial truth? Would she resent Lelouch? Would she forgive him? What about my anonymity as Zero? What if the truth reaches the public? I’m meant to be dead. People would—
He jumped when Nunnally’s hand found his left. Her eyes remained shut, just as they had been when they reunited a year and a half ago, before she’d overcome the geass on her own.
You’re mistaken, Suzaku wanted to scream. It’s not me. It’s not me—
But when Nunnally’s lip quivered and tears gathered beneath her eyelashes, Suzaku knew he was done for.
“Nunnally…I’m sorry. I…”
He struggled to find the words. What should he even begin apologizing for? Deceiving her? Betraying her? Joining her brother to orchestrate his death and faking his own as part of a mutually destructive oath? Was he apologizing as Zero or as Suzaku?
The girl shook her head earnestly and squeezed his hand.
“Do you remember when I told you?” Her voice trembled as she moved her other hand toward his face. “As long as there’s a hand reaching out towards you…”
“…‘you’re not alone’,” Suzaku whispered.
Keeping his left hand beneath hers, he slid off the helmet with his other, shrugging off his mask as he did so. His bangs fell forward, tickling his cheek, and Suzaku’s heart panged at the memory of the last time he’d gotten a trim — the first and last time Lelouch had cut his hair for him.
“It really is you…” Nunnally sobbed into her hands. “Suzaku…”
Suzaku smiled through the ache in his chest and knelt before her, gently peeling her hands away from her face.
“I missed you so much…,” her voice cracked. “You and my brother…”
His heart broke. After spending weeks telling himself that Lelouch’s death had been necessary, that his own disappearance from the world was necessary, he finally felt seen.
“I missed you too, Nunnally. I’m so, so sorry—”
“Please don’t apologize,” she hiccuped, wiping her eyes. “I understand what you both did.”
“How can you accept me so easily? I don’t deserve such kindness,” Suzaku shivered. “How did you know it was me? How long have you known…?”
“Well, there was only one person that my brother trusted more than anyone. There’s really nothing you two can’t do together.”
Suzaku didn’t try to deny it. The feeling had always been mutual. They had betrayed each other time and time again, and it was for that reason that he decided to take this gamble, to accept this punishment, to make this wish come true. He’d decided to turn a coincidence into an inevitability, and an inevitability into a choice.
“Besides…”
Besides?
“My brother held you in his final moments, did he not? I was just a few feet away, so I saw it clearly.”
Suzaku flushed. He didn’t think anyone noticed.
“But maybe I was wrong?” Nunnally pouted. “My sight only returned recently, after all…”
“N-No,” he rasped. “He did. I…didn’t expect him to.”
And I couldn’t bear to wash his handprint away. I’m wearing the same clothes he did. I still scrub them with lavender soap each evening. I killed him, and I still can’t let him go.
“I’ve said so many horrible things to you both, when all this time you’ve been…Suzaku, I…”
“Oh, Nunnally,” Suzaku leaned forward and wrapped her in a hug. “We planned to be hated by the world. Please don’t blame yourself.”
The girl snuggled into his shoulder, her long chestnut hair falling over his sleeves. “But…to become this all by yourself, that must be so lonely.”
Lonely?
He hadn’t spared a moment to think about how he felt. He learned to ignore and hide his weaknesses from others — something he shared with Lelouch. But now, without the mask of Zero, with Nunnally holding onto him as though he were still the same person she had known all those years ago, Suzaku finally allowed himself to be vulnerable.
“The truth is, I haven’t…I haven’t been doing so well,” Suzaku mumbled. “It was my choice to join Lelouch and pay for my sins with him. But now that he’s gone and I’m still here, surrounded by people who celebrate his death? It’s a kind of loneliness I’ve never felt before.”
“Suzaku, you’re not alone anymore.”
He looked up to meet Nunnally’s gaze.
“I’ve been leaving a lit candle at my door every day since then,” she continued. “Not just for my brother, but for you, too. I hoped that you would find your way back home someday…”
She smiled through the last of her tears.
“…and here you are.”
“Nunnally…”
After everything he had done, after all the ways he had convinced himself that he deserved to disappear alongside Lelouch, someone had still left a light burning for him. She still believed in the person beneath the mask, not just Zero.
Hope fluttered in Suzaku’s chest as he took Nunnally’s hand.
I still don’t know how to move on, or if I’ll ever be ready to. But I don’t have to do it alone anymore.