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There are hands on your throat. It’s about the only thing you’re aware of, the only thing your addled, oxygen-deprived brain can focus on.
The nails are sharp, fingers digging into your nape, thumbs pressed against your gullet. You gag, one hand twisting around the grass until it burns, the other feeling the familiar ridges of your dagger’s handle.
Your vision is growing splotchy and dark, even crowding out the bright light above you. Your ears are filling with blood, drowning out the laughter.
You try to breathe, in and out, but that hasn’t worked in a long time. You haven’t needed to breathe to survive, your body, your Universe, would always just stitch you back together. But for the first time that you can remember, when you reach out, nothing reaches back.
You know that Loop is laughing at you.
If you could hear them, they’d be teasing you, mocking you. You never were as powerful as them, never went through as much as they did. They’ve been biding their time under this once-changed tree, and you’ve been wearing yourself out.
It’s ridiculous, it’s brilliant, it’s tragic.
It’s like those stupid plays you used to love. The ones that are ruined forever for you, because you know what goes on behind the scenes. You were an actor, a director, a producer–
In another life, you were a sponsor. You wish you hadn’t been.
The pressure above you shifts, just enough that the roaring in your ears clears up, and you can hear their voice in your ear, tingly sweet like having too much sugar and now your head and forearms hurt. “Oh, stardust, I was really expecting more of a fight!”
You can think.
For a wonderful, blinding, shattering second you can think.
You rip up your arm, dagger aiming straight for Loop’s neck. You see it plunge.
Loop glitches.
Before you can comprehend the change, you find that your arm is once again moving up towards them. They know it’s coming, and they reach up and catch your wrist. You cough in a rough inhale through half your throat while they press on your radius and your dagger drops.
Loop catches it before it hits the ground, and leans back towards you, tilting their head. You swear you can see them smile past their bright visage. You imagine them with too many teeth and shudder.
The blade has found your throat, but it doesn’t cut. It just. . .
Rests there. Waiting for you to struggle.
“Come on,” Loop goads. “I wanted you to fight. So much waiting went into this, this grand, dramatic finale~! And you can’t even put on a good show!”
You clench your teeth at them, feeling the blade press against your throat at the motion. You try to grab the handle and shove it back, but Loop is stronger than you. They always have been. You’re an idiot for ever thinking otherwise.
You release the grass to push, praying, hoping that two hands are better than one, but your hand slips and catches the dagger’s blade. A sharp stab blisters against both your palm and your neck as Loop presses it more firmly to your throat.
“Even an animal would fight back.” Loop hisses at you. “What? The only time you won’t act like a dog is when it matters? I would ask if you’re suicidal, but we both know the answer to that!”
You cough, growling against them.
Loop’s right. Loop’s right–
Since when have you ever faced death lying down?
You dig the balls of your feet into the ground and arch your back, ignoring the sting of metal against flesh, because you’ve felt worse! Loop blinks in surprise, apparently not anticipating that to actually be what inspired you to finally do something, and then they grow blisteringly brighter, cackling!
They tighten their knees around your waist until it’s almost bruising, leaning towards your face as their hand shakes. It jars against your neck, trembling so hard that you can feel it wiggle in your skin, cutting you further open even as you scramble against Loop.
You’re trying to get them off, you’re trying to fight back, but the more you do, the more they press against your neck.
Once again, you find yourself unable to breathe or think.
Your neck grows slick with blood.
Loop is close enough now that you can reach up and grab their neck. You reach up both hands to grab them back, tightening your grip on them as you choke on the nothingness in your lungs, hoping to return the favour.
You feel like you’re floating in space. If you inhale any more, your lungs will explode from the pressure. You can’t help but try to breathe in anyway.
Loop giggles as your hands tighten as much as they can, leaning in sharply until all you can see is them, them, them. Your eye starts to water at how bright they are, burning it the way a campfire or the sun would.
“Oh, Siffrin, Siffrin, Siffrin. . .” Loop mused, eyes twinkling in unrestrained delight. “Do you actually think that will do anything? I can’t choke, can’t even die! If I did, I would just loopp, over and over! But you. . . poor little you. . .”
You try to dig in your thumbs anyway. You can’t let them win!
You think of Mirabelle, brave, kind Mirabelle, always look out for others, and that somehow includes you. Her smiles, her ever-changing self, the way she’s so similar to you–
“You’re all out of energy, aren’t you? You’re dying, and you can’t even get me off of you!” Loop snarks. “You don’t want to die alone, do you, even if it’s just with your murderer!”
You remember Isabeau. Protective, thoughtful, beautiful. The kiss you promised to re-do, to practice. His strong arms supporting you up to the Head Housemaiden, and then carrying you down the stairs when you got too tired.
And Loop wants to take him from you!
“So tired, so helpless. . .” Loop teases. Their free hand traced around your good eye, nails teasing the skin surrounding it like they were going to pluck it out of your face.
You try to throw your weight to the side. It. . . does nothing against them.
They’re so strong. . .
“Oh, stardust. . . How are you supposed to take care of them? You’re not the best Siffrin anymore. I am.” They tilted their head down, nuzzling what they could of your wrist. It’s revolting. “You can be comforted knowing I will always take care of ‘our’ family!”
You think of Odile! The way she understands you better than anyone else! The closeness you both share, the kindness she treated you with. The way she can read your mind like a book, understands you better than anyone else, the way she forgave you immediately–
“You won’t recover from this.” Loop muses, shaking their head at you. “You’re too weak, and I can feel it, even if you can’t. . . Your grip is loosening.”
You gasp. You need to heal yourself, you know you do. You squeeze your eyes shut, you wish for more time, you–
“That’s not going to work.” Loop presses the knife deeper into your throat.
Bonnie. Oh, Bonnie, young, innocent Bonnie. You love them so much. Wish you were better for them, actually smart and brave the way that they are. You need to fix your relationship with them in this loop. For good.
“You can relax now.” Loop whispers. Their hand moves from your eye to your hair. Their fingers stroke your locks, tucking them behind your ear and smooths down your cheek until they’re holding their chin.
You hate them, you hate them, you hate them, you hate them!
All you want is your family. . . !
Loop pulls back the dagger.
They let it clatter at your side, standing up as you gasp, hands slipping off of their neck. As soon as they’re gone, you hesitantly lift your own hand to feel the horrible gash wound on your neck. You can feel the spurting blood, the jagged edges of sliced apart skin–
You turn your head to stare at Loop, a sniffling sob breaking out of you.
Loop is holding a leaf in their hand, not plucking it from the tree as they carefully hold it close to where their mouth should be. You can’t hear what they whisper into it, but you have a building hunch when they turn around and it’s your own face smiling at you.
“Don’t worry,” Loop coos, walking away from you to sit on your tree root, tucking their hands neatly on their lap as their glow turns into hair. “I’m not going to leave you. I’ll be here until your heart finally starts beating. I may want your life, but I’m sorry you have to die for it.”
Their body flakes away and flares away until all their hands are hidden behind a cloak identical to yours.
They’re you. They’re fully you!
“Go to hell!” You spit blood and saliva at them. Both miss their mark.
Loop, you, laughs at you, swinging one leg over the other. “Oh, stardust. . . That’s not nearly the threat you think it is!”
You clench your teeth and seethe.
Their eye glimmers. “We’ll see each other down there anyway.”