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Phil lies in bed with his ankles crossed. Beside him, Dan is curled into himself, slumbering softly as he tends to do. Phil can't sleep.
It started as tour prep, plain and simple. A bit that they thought of over dinner, half a joke, half not. It's not a joke only if Phil finds something non-invasive enough to display to an audience of tens of thousands. Otherwise, it'll just be a fun thing that occupied half of Phil's Saturday.
Okay, so Phil is fibbing slightly. He found a good voicemail to use on the tour about four hours ago. The rest of his deepdive has been entirely for him. And he totally could sleep, if he chose to. But this is far more fun. He's never been so happy that he's not in the habit of deleting anything off his phone.
September 4th, 2026
"Bibble. If the visa office makes you explain who Dan and Phil are, you should show them one of our charity streams, like the Stand Up to Cancer one where we threw like fifteen million pieces of toast on the ground. Even the Americans can't take issue with people being funny and silly for the sake of fighting cancer. Or you should stand there and make them watch Basically I'm Gay for 45 minutes. That way, if they still deny us, we can sue them for hating gay people. Just a thought I had while looking for jalapenos to put in my omelette. When will my husband (sixteen year situationship) return from the war (American bureaucracy.)"
May 12th, 2026
"I am in a pickle. Pickle sounds like a silly nickname I would give you, but that's not the point. The point is that I moved into our second bedroom because you were honk-shooing like a hog but now I kind of miss you… and I'm calling you because I know you're on Do Not Disturb. Which is crazy because what if I'd like. Twisted my ankle. And I needed you. I would just have to yell. This bed is kinda comfy though. Maybe if you were sleeping here, you would sleep more quietly. You menace. If you wake up early and you get this voicemail you should come snuggle with me."
January 18th, 2025
"I remember that Martyn told us what Freja's favorite color is but I don't remember if he said greeny-blue or bluey-green and I feel like those are very different things. Like one is… rounder. Y'know? And why are all the unicorns pink? Why can't I find a bluey-green and/or greeny-blue unicorn? Gonna hang up on you now and call Martyn to ask. Close the cupboards."
October 18th, 2024
"Phil, where are you? The producers say that they've been looking for you for an hour and Marco was planning to start driving in twenty minutes. Did you go back to that plant shop we saw earlier? I'm not about to abandon you in Los Angeles on our fifteenth anniversary just because you want to buy another cactus. I'll go to the big American mall and have them put out an announcement. Yes I lost my Phil. He's a tall, pretty blond. No, he's not a child, he is 37. Please find him, otherwise my career is down the drain."
August 4th, 2023
"Hey bitch. Don't forget to tell the doctor about that thing you were complaining about. You're probably right that it's nothing, but — holy shit that is a weird looking squirrel. I think it's pregnant. And deaf. Anyway. Maybe you're pregnant and deaf and that's why your head hurts. Oh, and uh. Let me know if you want me to get you the thing on my way home. kk. Love you bye."
November 19th, 2022
"hi creature. I'm glad you're not awake, because it's late there, and that wouldn't be the way to take care of chronic migraines, but… I miss you, Pipple. I miss you so so so much. You know what's silly? I keep hearing people around me talking about Thanksgiving. And. And we don't even celebrate Thanksgiving, 's not even a real holiday. But the idea of spending any holiday without you is making me so sad. Even a holiday that I don't give a shit about. We need to call soon. Tomorrow. A good four hours, like the old days. I want to make you laugh."
November 1st, 2022
"Phillllllll it's so unfair that it's the middle of the night for you right now. Or, worse than that. Five in the morning. Don't know why I'm pretending like I don't know the time difference by heart. It's honestly kind of good that you're not picking up this call, because you're going to wake up to these nun photos and lose your fucking mind."
October 1st, 2021
"Homo. The W.H. Smith in Piccadilly Circus has those cookies you said you wanted. Should I — fuck it, I'm getting 'em. What do you want to be for Halloween? Peej will not want us showing up without costumes. Lowkey. Gomez and Morticia? Thoughts?"
May 12th, 2020
"Hi honey. I think you're probably just not picking up my calls right now, rather than being busy. Which is good. I think we both need some space. Not in like a, we need space, get away from me kind of way, I just… don't think two people are meant to spend all their time in one room surrounded by boxes and only ever looking at each other. Not that I don't like looking at you. I'm just… I'm really sorry I yelled, Phil. Should have led with that. It's not your fault that I'm having a hard time and I shouldn't have acted like it was. I think I'm just gonna go on a relaxing walk with my audiobook for a bit. I'll come back with food and then we can relax and have a chat. Okay. I love you. Don't forget."
December 24th, 2019
"Colin, say hi to your brother in law. …. Colin. Colin. I swear to god, this dog has been screaming at me for the past hour and the minute I actually want him to be loud, he doesn't say shit. Colin, say hi to Phil. Look, Colin. Look. Here's a picture of Phil. Yeah, sniff it. Isn't he cute? He's got such a nice face. Say hi…. no? Okay. Well, sorry, Pip. I tried. We're getting hate-crimed. Genuinely homophobic dog."
April 21st, 2019
"Hi. Uh. I saw a rabbit two minutes ago. Like an actual, honest to goodness easter bunny. Feels almost comedically picturesque. And I just… we're having such a nice day, Phil. Me and my family. It feels… stunningly rare. So. I don't think I can tell them. Not today. Because I don't want to be the person who ruins it. I know that sounds awful, but… there it is. I hope you're having the best time with your family. Tell them all I said hi. Maybe… maybe next year I'll be there. I can promise that I'll try."
February 2nd, 2019
"I'm gonna be home in like five minutes but I just wanted to call you because I'm currently alone on the tube with a pigeon. Very strange experience. Fucker's looking at me weird, too. Hey siri can birds tell if you are gay."
August 9th, 2017
"Philly cheese steak. [pant pant]. Wait, no, I shouldn't call you that. That's like… an anti-Phil slur. [gasp] I'm so fucking hyper I'm literally just jogging circles around our apartment. I've been at it for like ten minutes — that's what he said — and it's genuinely not helping at all. I need to be, like, dragged around on the floor or something. Fuck, Phil, imagine how much harder this is going to hit when we have our own massive fucking house. I'll put that in my notes. Space for Dan to run free like a wild horse."
March 2nd, 2015:
"Philip Michael Lester. I know that you got this call. You don't get to text me some ridiculous bullshit and then ignore me two seconds later just because you don't like what I'm going to say. If you buy that stupid pig — if you spend THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS on that stupid pig — I'm going to divorce you. I'm going to take you to Las Vegas — could we shotgun wedding there? Is it legal? Whatever, I'm gonna look it up — and do a shotgun wedding just so that I can divorce you for buying that awful fucking pig. Legalize gay marriage, and then immediately legalize gay divorce because your boyfriend has terrible taste in home decor. Put it down, buster. I mean it."
January 10th, 2015:
"♫ The internet is here. The internet is great. ♫ Uhhh. Fuck. ♫ Without the internet, we never would have met. ♫ Is that too far? Nah, that's just a statement of —- woah, look at the sunset. Phil, if you get this message less than five minutes after I send it, you HAVE to go to the window. It's so pretty. I just realized I should probably stop using our voicemails as tour-related voice memos. What would I have done if you'd picked up? Just serenaded you on a street corner? Maybe."
November 5th, 2014
"Tell me why this weird-ass man just tried to connect my love of black clothes to my relationship with my dad. God forbid a traumatized loser just wants to be edgy for completely unrelated reasons. What they don't tell you about looking for a therapist is that people of all professions can be shit at their jobs. Ugh. Anyway. There's a lady closer to our neighborhood, so maybe I'll give her a call. Tomorrow. A rat just ran over my foot. Was that you? The only other thing I'm doing tonight is buying curry to angrily binge eat on the couch. And snuggling with you, maybe playing a game. Because then I won't be upset."
April 4th, 2014
"Oh. Uhhh. I forgot to tell you before you left. Tell your dad that I read that article he sent me and that I found it so interesting that I subscribed to the paper it was from… I mean I did have actual nuanced opinions about it also but I'd rather gently debate your dad in person. Not that I don't trust you to properly convey my feelings about the stock market. Fuck, I barely trust myself to properly convey my feelings about the stock market but I will do literally anything to make your father think I am moderately intelligent. Is it working? You decide. Have a nice weekend bub."
October 20th, 2012
Wow. Three years together and he's still not picking up my calls. I feel like a Victorian wife. Anyway. Don't let me forget: I said I needed eggs, butter, milk, Squashies, Red Bull… so basically all of the staples. I'm not sure how we even made it this far without them. Y'know, one day, I should really just try out this whole paper grocery list thing, but whatever. Save the planet. Oh, call me back and tell me if you want me to get strawberries. If you don't answer I'll just assume that you do. And then they'll grow ecosystems in our fridge. Finally, the Dan and Phil pet: moldy strawberry. E. Coli.
September 14th, 2010:
"Hiiiii, Phiw. I'm completely drunk in the bathroom at this boring-ass party and — is that a bloodstain? Sssoryyy — there's a weird stain on the sink, it's either coffee or blood. or maybe i'z wine. should I lick it? Ignore me. I am very stupid. But I miss you. And I'll probably turn up at your house tomorrow to do my laundry."
September 14th, 2010:
"y'know, phiw. I could probably figure out how to do my own laundry. But then I wouldn't have an excuse to go and bother you every day. Except. You don't seem super bothered. So I'll just keep doin' it. Anyway. I hope you sleep well. I hope you're already asleep, because if not you'll be all grumpy tomorrow and I'll just have to kiss you until you feel better… oh nooooo…. "
Phil continues like this — scrolling and skipping and listening and blushing — until a hand fastens softly around his wrist. He jumps, but only a little. It's a very familiar hand.
"Shit, sorry Dan," he says, "I didn't mean to wake you up."
"You didn't," says Dan, "I'm just awake. Why are you awake? You're usually Mr. honk-shoo-mimimimimi."
Phil laughs. "What's the opposite of doomscrolling?"
Dan sits up slightly, just enough to angle his gaze over Phil's phonescreen. He chuckles lightly. "You're still going through those voicemails? Haven't you found one good, normal, non-invasive one to display to thousands of people? You've been at it for hours."
"That's what he said," says Phil, pulling a loving scoff from Dan, "No, I found a couple good ones hours ago. I've just been enjoying listening to them. It's like a time capsule. Besides, I like your voice, and your little jokes. And I like listening to you being weird as hell. You're like an interesting new species of bug."
Dan snorts, faking offense that Phil knows he doesn't really feel. "Oh, please. We both know that if either of us is an interesting bug, it's you."
Phil hums thoughtfully. "Maybe together we are both bugs when you lift up a rock."
"That's quite sweet," says Dan, "The voicemails will still be here tomorrow, bub. Why don't you put the phone down and try to get some sleep?"
Phil considers it for a moment, then obeys. Turns out that the only person who can pull him away from past Dan is present Dan. Before he turns in for the night, though, he clicks one last voicemail. His earbuds are flooded with a voice that still sounds like young love, even after all these years. Warm, beautifully posh, diffferent yet so familiar.
October 19th, 2009:
"Uh. Hi Phil. This is Dan. I think I'm about ten minutes away from the — oh, wait. You're calling me back. Hold on."