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Hyunwoo isn't going to confront him.
It was a Q&A post-it. From someone who was clearly partial to Hyunwoo, too, if his memory wasn't playing tricks on him. All the fan asked of him was to create a family tree, assign his members to preexisting familial circumstances; it was nothing new considering how often they would play up their close bonds as those of a true clan (no pun intended).
Most of the positions were relatively interchangeable, depending on which member was asked. Changkyun, aware of his status as the youngest, would rarely suggest Hoseok to be an older child, leave alone grandparent or uncle on an especially clingy day. Jooheon refused to recognize Changkyun's maturity so as to be able to have a fellow rapper to baby, and Minhyuk, in turn, pushed the other limit and tried his best to present the maknae as a boring, old man.
The only possible thing to stay beyond the shadow of doubt was Hyunwoo's reputation as team dad. In the beginning, Hyunwoo remembers, it was a role he was extremely uncomfortable with. He has never been a stranger to responsibility, and he made his peace with everything that comes as a two-for-one deal with being the eldest hyung. But taking up the metaphorical function of a father, to him, was different in ways he hadn't been ready for back then.
It wasn't making sure all his members were able to memorize the choreography; it's making sure the ones who are having trouble aren't eaten up by their frustration from the inside, making sure they know they're doing well and valuable beyond any day-to-day failures, making sure they don't close off, but embrace having six other people by their side.
It wasn't checking the attendance of the group on days in new cities and old hotels; it's caring for his dongsaengs so that they feel sated in affection and inspiration, it's establishing relationships close enough for them to always know they can rely on him and trust him when something isn't working out.
When it's half past three in the morning, the lyrics won't stick to the beat – and Hyunwoo is a vocalist, a dancer, not a rapper – but his mere presence is calming enough for Changkyun to collect his ideas more neatly than he has been able to for the past three hours and doze off on his leader's broad shoulder.
When it's quarter to four, Hyungwon feels like a joke, and just needs someone to bring him back to reality.
When it's ten past five, their schedule begins in an hour, but the tracks of sandy homesickness have not dried on Hoseok's face just yet.
When it's twenty after six, they're getting their make-up done, but Minhyuk has this distant look on his face that’s telling of how little he remembers of the reason for why he's doing any of this.
When it's forty past eight, the sun is going down and Jooheon feels like he's got nowhere to go other than into Hyunwoo's arms.
Hyunwoo could have never imagined he would have all this to give and more. Could have never been happier that there is more to him than a selfishly talented boy with too small face features and too big arms. That he has somewhere where he can belong, a place that is really no more a place than any stage or hotel or dorm bed or the top of the world.
But, more importantly, that there is a place in his heart that people other than his mother want to claim; and that there is enough place in those people's hearts for him, as well.
He's not alone. Not alone, too, in helping those people he has grown so awfully fond of march forward, because the only thing to remain as equally unchangeable is Kihyun and his nagging, caring, loving motherly everything.
✶
There's no enigma or mystery to it.
Kihyun always wakes up first. Hyunwoo always wakes up second (or, rather, third, because Hyungwon has to be awakened as early as possible to emerge from his bed somewhere during the day at all). Kihyun cooks breakfast. Hyunwoo prepares dinner (if takeout-loving Minhyuk and his big puppy eyes aren't convincing enough that particular day). Kihyun does the laundry. Hyunwoo cleans the mess after snacks eaten between beds and protein shakes spilled onto counters. Kihyun is who the members go to if they want a proper kick into the butt. Hyunwoo is the one who listens to nonsense whining from members hoping to be let off the hook for one thing or another (and then he is the one with an injured backside. Kihyun never skips leg day).
It's a routine they, this little makeshift/patchwork/always-on-the-road family, have settled into easily and comfortably. Once the initial shyness (mostly from Hyunwoo) and awkwardness (definitely from Hyunwoo) have subsided in the wake of bone-deep exhaustion and other, more specific shared experiences, that is. It's playful calls of Appa, where are you off to? because Jooheon, for all his toughness pretense, loves to be babied and spoiled beyond belief. And Ah, there's mom, saving lives one at a time ("I just made some ramen, Hoseok."You just made my day , that's what you did, Kihyunnie.").
Monbebe seem to find it endearing, too, which is nothing but a plus and an encouragement that calling your friend dad more often than you do your father is perfectly normal.
On that note, Hyunwoo thinks back on today's breakfast, where Minhyuk felt the need to bring up the very post-it that's been making him question everything that's normal and real, because while every single member – Hyunwoo included – had elected Kihyun as mom and Hyunwoo as dad, Kihyun himself chose Hyungwon as dad and Hyunwoo as grandmother. Which is, well. Probably not the most surprising option, considering his quiet, often old-fashioned nature, and the fact that he literally played a grandma in an itchy grey wig for their new show.
✶
But— but, and here is where Hyunwoo struggles to understand slash express himself the most (the line is often slim when your problems are so on display due to not having a minute to yourself). Because rationally and factually, both qualities or factors Hyunwoo very much likes, he knows this doesn't change anything. Doesn't suddenly pay for acrobatics lessons and force his world to attend them and learn how to walk upside down for the rest of its – his – life. There is no sudden clock installed that signifies endless Yaja Time.
Hyunwoo shudders just thinking of being doted on and affectionately looked down at in that certain way only the maknaes get the 'fortune' to experience, and reminds himself to do something nice for Changkyun in the near future.
To conclude, there is no need to panic or over-think or reevaluate.
Reevaluate, though, that is a good word. It's a fitting word, a word that comes the closest to describing the fraudulent frequency Hyunwoo has been functioning on today. All the way through watching his cereal become soggy, getting his hair and make-up done, posing for a concept photoshoot and going for sushi with Hyungwon and Hoseok, paying for all three of them because of some money they insist he owes them.
There is no such thing. He does it anyway.
All the way through rehearsals for their comeback, taxing and seemingly never-ending with the uneasy energy inside of Hyunwoo that won't be set free through physical exertion. Though, oh, how he tries.
✶
It's sometime in the evening, possibly a few hours before the barrier between a successful day and the push for a successful night. Hyunwoo doesn't bother checking the clock. The perspiration caking his forehead and cheeks won't cool off in a room full of equally sweaty people, he reasons to himself, and bids a quiet goodbye to his members.
He's often already back in his own head by the time late afternoon rehearsals finish, causing him to be hushed and spacey, unless there are plans of game or movie nights to keep him outwardly awake, so it shouldn't be too strange. Shouldn't concern anyone. He's just going to take a shower to wash off the grime of the day and off to recharge for the next day. That's all there is to it.
The shower doesn't rub his mind squeaky clean from intrusive thoughts, but it makes him feel better all the same. There's a detached edge to it when Hyunwoo asks himself whether Hyungwon just might be more likable, might be more of a cool dad type than he is. It's this detachment, along with the water stream hitting his back turning ice cold, that reminds him comparing himself to any of his members is no good.
Once Hyunwoo emerges from the shower, he's afraid the growling of his stomach will wake up the entire building. He tiptoes his way to the kitchen, just in case the members are being smart and catching up on sleep for once. They seem to be, because the kitchen is dark and empty when he opens the fridge, water from his hair collecting in the small towel around his nape.
There's something cathartic about the process of making sandwiches late at night, Hyunwoo decides, messily chopping a cucumber into round slices. As he stands there at the counter, chewing on the cracker-ish bread, it's much easier to reflect on things. It's only now that he realizes it was the fact that Kihyun thought him more of a grandmother than a dad that bothered him so much. Does that have to mean something?
Kihyun's steps are, to his envy, infinitely quieter than Hyunwoo's. He cuts the edge of the beef and begins to construct another sandwich to the sound of Kihyun shuffling around the kitchen, working his way around him with a brush of elbows as an acknowledgement of his presence.
Somehow, it's the most at peace Hyunwoo has felt today.
Kihyun is behind him, at the round kitchen table, when his raspy voice breaks the fall that is silence.
"So, what's up?"
Hyunwoo doesn't know how to answer. It's evident by Kihyun's tone, the pretense of casualness in it, that he's picked up on whatever unease Hyunwoo must have let through his calm façade. Are there pink fishes, Hyunwoo muses, because he feels an awful lot like bait thrown into the water with no control over his movements and Kihyun's locked onto him so tightly there's no point in trying to shake him off.
That's all good and smart, choosing the path of least resistance, but Hyunwoo still can't help the dull Nothing seeping through his teeth.
There's silence.
The sounds return, then, the careful slide of knife across something, the mute friction against the cutting board – Kihyun is meticulous with things like that and Hyunwoo admires that about him. Admires the fact that he's cutting an apple even though he could just take a bite out of it, all just to give Hyunwoo time.
As appreciated as it is, it's not very effective, because there's no amount of time that could help him make You didn't pick me as the dad in a stupid fan question and I've been off-kilter ever since sound like an issue worth mentioning.
It becomes increasingly hard to not just say it, though, when Kihyun leaves the cutting board behind and positions himself next to Hyunwoo – or in front of him, considering the fact that he's half-turned towards the door. There are small, even apple pieces clutched in his small, stubby fingers, and the low light from beneath a cabinet hits his face just so, painting him in a soft, peach light. His eyebrows are upturned in worry, bare face twisted, reaching out to him, the leader who's up too late making himself a snack for the hell of it.
The moment feels muted. It feels like something beyond group concepts and variety show games and “dad” and “mom”. It's not lost on Hyunwoo, even when the offer in the corners of Kihyun's mouth begins to turn rigid with the little bit of impatience. Here is the realization, the solution, laid out in front of him the way the right, the necessary things often are only in fairytales.
Holding onto the idea of acting as a father to six grown men, while generally fun and amusing, can be wearying, and it's not the thing to focus on. All that Hyunwoo needs to be is all that he is, and then a tad better. A tad stronger, a tad more at home in his skin, but he's all right. He's okay. Grandma or father or youngest daughter aside.
"You have this look on your face," Kihyun says and smiles brightly, everything on display, as he pops two apple pieces at once in his mouth. There's the nagging and the annoyance and the fact that he really does think Hyunwoo acts too old sometimes, but he no longer feels the need to swallow it so far down that it near intoxicates him with the acidic bitterness.
"I'm just thinking," Hyunwoo says, honestly, and reaches back, trailing his fingers along the edge of the counter until he feels Kihyun's arm. Caresses the smooth skin in motions that aren't quite circular but end up in something like an ellipse.
Kihyun catches him by the wrist and puts the rest of the cut up apple near the sink (which is very unhygienic, Hyunwoo thinks to himself) so that he can trace Hyunwoo's crooked thumb with two fingers.
The apple juice is sticky on his skin, and Hyunwoo considers licking it off, but it doesn't seem like the right moment for it.
Kihyun leans forward and puts their entangled hands on Hyunwoo's shoulder, while his nose runs the contour of Hyunwoo's jaw and their bodies are level with each other at a comfortable rate of pressure. Hyunwoo can still feel softness in the layers of growing muscles from the intense workouts in Kihyun’s body and it makes him press a breathy kiss behind Kihyun's ear, right onto the hair that looks light orange in this space and time. Kihyun returns the favor with one on the spot where Hyunwoo's sideburns would be, before he nips playfully at Hyunwoo's cheek.
"You're gonna talk?" he asks against his skin, bringing his other hand to rest on Hyunwoo's shoulder blade; a heavy, warm weight.
"I've been thinking," Hyunwoo repeats, dragging his lips across Kihyun's forehead before pressing a kiss there, too. Pauses. Chuckles noiselessly. "That you smell."
Kihyun punches him in the side, but he barely even feels it, so he adds: "Grandma."
Kihyun pulls away from Hyunwoo's neck, looking scandalized. "Hey! Is this payback for something?"
"Have you been saying bad things about me I don't know of?" Hyunwoo asks back, furrowing his eyebrows for a moment, before a sly smile replaces the frown.
Kihyun gives into the resistance and slides closer into Hyunwoo's arms to escape his eyesmile.
"I would never, Shownu-yah," he assures, laughing, with his teeth grazing Hyunwoo's Adam's apple. "All I ever say about you is the cold, hard truth."
"From a cold, hard heart," Hyunwoo teases, palms rubbing against Kihyun's back because everything except for his mind and his mouth feels kind of cold, indeed.
"Ah, it's the only one I've got, hyung," Kihyun defends. "It's one that's going to offer to cuddle you tonight though, so."
Hyunwoo squeezes him tighter. "Uh-huh," he agrees, I'm fines and I feel betters on the tip of his tongue.
But he won't spoil this unique opportunity for himself like he accidentally has before.
"Come on, then," Kihyun says, taking his hand, and Hyunwoo feels like he's back in the place where he belongs again.